Continued from Periculum
Periculum Chapter 2: The Difference between Avoiding and Denial
many months since chapter one...
One could expect that after Remus Lupin confessed that Sirius Black was his first love since fifth year, that their relationship would be a closer one. However this was not the case the next spring morning. Sirius Black awoke in his bed and stared to Lupin's. The bed beside his was empty. It seemed that Remus had woken before him and decided to start the day without him. This gesture did not bruise Black though, he rose himself stretching his arms above his head. His mind was rested on the conversation that took place the previous day.
"The boy is dead!" Remus' voice called from the doorway. Sirius jumped at this and stared at the doorway. His eyes frozen on Remus. "What?" he asked feeling a sharp pain enter his heart. He felt stabbed. "Cedric Diggory. DIED. Dumbledore was right! He is on the move again! That's who killed Diggory!" Remus said short of breath as if he had ran their.
Relief washed over Sirius Black but at the same time sadness, to hear that one of the triwizard champions had died. Then of all, grief because it was at the hands of Voldemort. "Harry wrote to us about it? How is he?" asked Sirius. "He's devastated. Merciless! He killed him right in front of him! Killing curse! Like that! BAM!" Remus said.
"Hmm. That's awful. I can only imagine." Sirius said closing his eyes and sighing. Poor Harry. That must've been how his mother Lily felt. Her husband dead before her eyes. Alone and fighting for her and her son's lives.
"No one else is going to understand what he went through either. Being all alone there." Remus said. "That's it. He's coming here this summer!" suggested Sirius. "What?" asked Remus getting extremely confused. "Yeah! He has too! We'll be the only one's that'll get him!" Sirius said. "Why are you getting so defensive about this?" asked Remus. Sirius seemed to be getting flustered. The two of them sat on their beds and Sirius began to explain. As Sirius explained, Lupin also was brought back to the past. I shall now explain through flashback:
Fifth year within the so called 'Marauder era'. This period in time was like the moment the Beetles broke up. Devastating to all people. Severus Snape was especially resenting of the group, and the Marauders :Moony, Prongs, and Wormtail had not been speaking with Padfoot.
To summarize the sudden turning of the tables it was all in third year. The Marauders that is, Prongs, Padfoot, and Wormtail had decided to play a prank on Severus by tricking him into visiting Remus in the shrieking shack on the night that he was a werewolf. At the last minute Prongs stopped the events from occuring, and they turned on the devises of the plan since: Sirius Black.
Sirius weaved his tale and Remus longed to interupt, and tell his side. How hurt he was that Sirius had taken advantage of the fact that he was stuck with this miserable curse. He felt betrayed. Even then many years later, Remus felt anger simmering in his stomach as Sirius retold the story.
"Moony!" Sirius called in the empty hallways. The fifteen year old scraggly haired, Black had come down the halls, grinning, happy to finally get Remus alone. Remus looked about feeling hopeless. He was all alone. Usually in times that Sirius had tried to approach him again, the other Marauders were there to tell him to just turn away. But now Remus was alone, to decide whether he wished to give Sirius the satisfaction of mingling again, or to follow suit.
"Hey. Sirius." he answered, careful not to say Padfoot, as to symbolize acceptance. Sirius would take this. He stopped beside Remus, "How ya been?" he asked him. "Oh alright." Remus said awkwardly. It was odd. Not very often had Sirius taken an interest in Remus. "Yeah..." he said.
Remus couldn't take it anymore. He was looking at the boy and could see, that somehow his face lacked the same clever and obnoxious spark it used to. It seemed more desperate. L- oh what was the word, started with an L...hmmm... "What's wrong Sirius." Remus finally cracked. "What?" asked Sirius. "You look upset. What's up?" he asked again needing an answer. "Well then...Nothing really." Sirius lied.
Sirius looked about awkwardly and then back to Remus and laughed pathetically. "You know...I hate my family, so I thought that I would never have to miss anyone here at Hogwarts..." a random confession came out of the blue. "I'm sorry that was stupid." Sirius said shaking his head. Don't lose it. Don't lose it. Sirius thought to himself, salt stinging the back of his eyes. LONELY! of course! That's what Sirius appeared to be. Lonley as hell!
The Hallways were becoming dark and portraits began sleeping. Curfew was ticking away. "Eh...back to the common room with me then?" Remus suggested. "Huh?" asked Sirius. "Shut up and come on Padfoot." he said. He added 'Padfoot.' as a symbol of redemption and forgiveness. Sirius accepted. From then, the Marauders were reunited.
"He'll be just like me." Sirius said as his tale came to a close. "Alone. No one will believe him. People will even become angry at him for believing that he has returned." Sirius predicted wisely.
"You know. I understand. I was lonely then too. I knew that the James felt bad for the prank, but I never actually felt...healed. I knew that from the beginning all three of you had been planning it. taking advantage of my disability." Remus said. Sirius shook and became depressed and guilty at these words. "However forgiveness is more simple than we give credit for." Remus said. "Yeah but they won't see it that way." said Sirius making this about Harry again.
"You're right. I think he should come here then." Remus said after a pause that filled the room with sudden dust mites in the beams of light in the room. How awkward this was because indeed, Sirius and Remus had avoided this conversation for years since it's consent! Even the night of Sirius' earning of redemption, they had not spoken about it. The Unspoken Truce. It was sacred and to never ever be spoken of, no matter the absolute necessary circumstance.
The two men stared at eachother, Sirius and he felt a chat coming on. It was obvious that using the past as an example was not a good idea. "I trusted you since the consent of our friendship..." Remus began. "And I begged your forgivness!" said Sirius. "Not exactly." Remus corrected. How quickly a fued can bubble over the years! "Not aloud but you saw the point! I was lonely! Is that not something you can process? Always being surrounded by people!" Sirius argued getting frustrated with how Remus was suddenly pinning accusations on him.
"Yeah. I understand it perfectly! Until late in the years I was all alone in that shack! And not to mention after Lily and James' death! I was always alone! You went to jail! Even when the Marauders existed I was always the odd one out! Because I wasn't as outspeaking as you!" oh how Remus had quickly turned this into an argument of envy. However, with this statement, he was winning.
"Really now..." Sirius' voice had softend. "I was the only slytherin in the marauders, and you were the odd one out. It's true." he said. "You were shy then...and outspeaking after the deaath of your friends would be difficult." Sirius confessing his defeat.
"There you go...I really don't like to talk about it." Remus said oh wishing he could leave but knew well that now, Sirius would not allow that. "Well how the tables have turned Remus. How only a few months ago, you asked me why I didn't want to remember the death of James and Lilly Potter." Sirius said. "And now...you! You of all people, are confessing your denial? Always been such a gentleman have we?" asked he raising an eyebrow.
"You know...It isn't easy to talk about, without getting sad. I...I don't want to walk around a house of friends feeling useless and distraught so yeah, YEAH I choose not to talk about it! I don't like to think about it. It just ruins everything! It ruins all I've worked on to be the way I am now! I don't want to have to rebuild it all!" Remus said a face full of fluster.
As Remus panted, past his long winded speech, repetitive with words like ruin, sad, useless, and dont, want, to, talk, about, it...Sirius was gaining only satisfaction. "Well then mate. Confessing it is the first step, now let's focuss on getting Harry through the same." he said rising to leave the room. Remus sat staring at the floorboards sadness stinging his corneas and the walls of denial breaking, breaking him, depressing him deeply.
Lord what fools these wizards be.