Something was up with Kyle, and it involved his girlfriend. Elizabeth wasn't stupid, the way he would act antsy around her, almost nervous and jittery. He almost felt like Tweek on a good day, but it was always around her . It seemed to start a month after Alice and Kenny finally gave in to their desires and did the deed, because with the increase in Kenny's mood, the more nervous Kyle became. Like, suddenly, all his friends - save for Cartman - were getting laid, and he was the last one left out of the fun. It didn't help when Craig and Token were talking about Tweek and Bebe with veiled hints about how they were in bed, while even Jimmy had himself a girlfriend, and was proud to say how hot she was.
Peer pressure was an awful thing to witness, and while no one was actively telling Kyle to bite the bullet and bang his girlfriend, he gradually started to feel like he had something to prove. The problem was that his girlfriend was Elizabeth Horowitz, a girl known for her violence against those who did her wrong and the way she could cut you in half with a simple glare. All the boys were afraid of her, except for a certain Fatass, and Kyle was proud that his girlfriend didn't take shit from anyone, but it still didn't mean that he was a little scared of what she may do if she realized he wanted to take their relationship further.
Stan understood his plight, because he was dating Wendy Testaburger. She was a feminist with the ability to lecture someone under the table and also took no shit from anyone, however according to Stan, she was a nympho in bed.
"Liz isn't going to kill you." Stan insisted, "Fuck, Kyle, it's not like you're some creepy old guy she never met before, you're her boyfriend. She'll understand why you want to get your dick wet."
Kyle rolled his eyes at Stan's crass choice of words. "If I had your way with words, I would have been shot in the head for admitting to her that 'I wanted to get my dick wet'."
Kenny snorted, "Dude, Alice uses those words and she's not ashamed."
Stan couldn't help but laugh, "Alice is a freak, Kenny, from what you tell us."
His blonde friend waggled his eyebrows, "Boy is she."
Kyle pinched the bridge of his nose, "Stop!"
The only one who didn't talk yet was Cartman, but he never said a word when Kyle would bring up his relationship. Mostly because he was still wearing the ankle monitor the judge had forced him on after Elizabeth and her father had taken him to court. He never looked happy at the fact that Kyle talked about Elizabeth, and it further annoyed him when Kyle brought up having sex with the girl.
"Elizabeth is classy, you know." Butters finally chimed in. "She's like a classic book, Kyle. So much substance that the style comes naturally." He smiled at his friend, "Be a gentleman, court her and treat the girl like you want to be treated."
It was the best answer he's heard all day, and Kyle finally looked less bothered. "Gee, Butters, that's pretty deep."
Butters laughed nervously, "Well, shucks, it ain't rocket science, yanno. Girls are princesses, ya gotta treat em like royalty."
"Elizabeth is more of a Queen than a princess." Cartman finally said, effectively putting the conversation to an uneasy halt. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny stared at him, eventually shrugging and going about another topic.
When Elizabeth arrived at school one day, she was graced with a dozen roses. A nervous freshman was holding them, grinning sheepishly and keeping a safe distance because all boys knew about Elizabeth Horowitz.
"Thank you?" She questioned, taking them hesitantly.
"Just the messenger, miss." The boy said, finally backing away. "Check the card!" He ran then, just in case.
Elizabeth's lips pressed into a thin line while she studied the bouquet, putting them up to her nose to take in their scent before her hand found the card that was attached. She pulled it out and read it carefully.
It's not Valentine's Day yet but you deserve roses anyway, with love, Kyle. :)
That was the start of the two-week wooing of Elizabeth Horowitz. She arrived to school each day and received small gifts from Kyle, delivered to her from freshman kids. Roses, candy, poems, trinkets and things that had a hidden meaning to both of them. They weren't lavish, and it was always a small box, as he understood she enjoyed the message more than the gift itself.
She always sat by herself at lunch, even though the girls had invited her to sit with them a long time ago. Wendy was a good friend, but she couldn't stand Bebe. In her lap was a small packet of replacement strings for her violin, the latest gift that was given to her. Despite the gifts, Kyle kept his distance, as if he was playing the waiting game and giving Elizabeth her space to take in all the trinkets. She caught his eyes in the lunchroom and smiled, seeing Kyle smiling back with a faint blush.
"I think this is cute as fuck." Alice's voice startled her, and she glared at her sister slightly. Alice only grinned from her seat across from Elizabeth and settled her elbows on the table. "So, word is he's trying to romance the shit outta you."
Elizabeth flushed slightly, "I'd be lying if I said it wasn't working." She admitted calmly.
"Word also is that he's got a reservation to Buca Di Faggoncini next Friday, so I hope you got a good dress he hasn't seen yet." She tried to wink, but hated the fact that winking lost its power when you had one eye to work with.
Elizabeth went ridged at the news, "Sweet Moses, I'm going out on a date."
"You say that like it's a bad thing." Alice chuckled.
"I never been on a date!" She stared at her sister in a panic, "What do people do on dates? What's the social protocol? Do I let him get the doors? I don't even like that sort of thing! I can get my own fucking door, Alice! What if he's like those mormon boys who-"
"Whoa there!" Alice held up her hands, "Hold on, Liz. One- He's not mormon. Two- just be yourself, and by that I mean be less like you than possible."
Elizabeth glared at her. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"
"You come off as aggressive." She said simply, "Sometimes I wonder if you secretly get off on making boys suffer."
Elizabeth flushed a bright red, "Alice!"
Kenny suddenly appeared, and as it seemed, he appeared because Kyle saw how flustered Elizabeth was getting and sent Kenny over to drag his girlfriend away. "Al." He interrupted the two of them, smiling down at his girl. "I have a problem that needs to be looked at, in the storage room in the basement." He winked down at her.
Alice shoved herself from the table and took the bait, leading Kenny away.
Elizabeth groaned pitifully when she was gone, slumping forward and slamming her head on the table.
"You don't look well." Wendy's voice was suddenly next to her, and she looked up at the girl sadly. "Are you alright, Liz?"
Elizabeth opened her mouth, then shut it, thinking it over and soon uttering a squeak. "I got a date."
It was like writing her own death warrant, saying those four words in front of Wendy. Suddenly she was surrounded by girls, Heidi, Bebe, Red, Nichole, Nelly, Jenny, Lola, Millie, Esther, Sally. It was suddenly overwhelming, but didn't say anything when Bebe decided they all should go dress shopping on Saturday, making a date to take care of things on Elizabeth's end.
"She's going to have to get waxed." Lola said, "Boys love that no-hair look." She said suggestively.
"W-waxed?" Elizabeth looked like a scared deer.
"Oh my god, this can be a girls night!" Red squealed, "Right, Liz, you're coming to Bebe's house after school, we're going to do you up so pretty that Kyle's going to just go nuts!"
The boys looked on from their table, Kyle had his head in his hands while Stan was laughing nervously. Cartman snorted in amusement, "She looks like she's going to faint." He commented.
Kyle groaned, "I regret everything."
Elizabeth desperately tried to avoid the girl's night out, she did her damndest to get away, but Alice took the car before she could get to it and Bebe intercepted her before she could take shelter in Stan's jeep, actively putting up a fight in front of Kyle as Red and Lola dragged her away.
"Help me!" She screamed. She even begged Cartman for help, fuck the restraining order.
Cartman couldn't help but grin at the desperation, only waving at her tauntingly as she was taken away.
Kenny howled with laughter at the sight, and Stan was trying to help Kyle and reassure him that everything was going to be okay.
Marjorine was there, Elizabeth realized, the petite blonde taking charge of the group once Elizabeth was locked away in the basement of the Stevens House.
"Oh dear." She frowned, "You girls were rough on her, were you?"
"Please, please, please, let me go." Elizabeth whispered, hoping Butters could hear her. "Marjorine!"
Marjorine frowned sympathetically and used the brush in her hand to straighten Elizabeth's messy hair. "Everything is going to be alright, Liz. We're here to help you, not hurt you."
"Marjorine's right." Wendy laid a hand on her shoulder reassuringly, "I know you're not used to this sort of thing, Liz. Let it be a learning experience!"
Bebe grinned, "Right, now let's start the fun."
Elizabeth wasn't used to this, at all. She thought it was some sort of forgotten medieval torture porn, the way that Lola insisted on getting her waxed. She didn't even know what a bikini line even was, eliciting laughter from the girls before she was shoved behind a curtain so Lola could handle it. After ten minutes Marjorine was called in to help talk Elizabeth down, the girl having a way with words and finally getting Elizabeth calm enough to accept the torture.
Girly things like this wasn't even on her radar. She never even had a manicure or a pedicure, or shaved her legs. She only shaved what was logical, and apparently that was wrong in Bebe's eyes. She was taught how to shave her legs correctly, and then forced to sit down as they soaked her feet. Luckily her eyebrows were deemed perfect enough to escape plucking, and then what was left was her unruly hair.
Alice arrived while Elizabeth had a facemask plastered to her skin, and she took out her phone to snap a picture.
"I'm going to end you ." Elizabeth said in a threatening tone.
Marjorine came to Alice's rescue quickly, "H-hey Alice, honey, no." She dragged Alice towards the stairs and whispered to her friend, "Liz requested no photographic evidence, okay? Let's respect her wishes."
Alice pouted, "I'm her sister though, the rule doesn't pertain to me."
Marjorine gave Alice a stern glare, "Alice. Phone. Now." She held out her hand.
Alice whined, handing over her phone and watching Marjorine delete the photo and put her phone with the others.
Kyle tried for the fifth time to call his girlfriend, groaning when he was again met with her voicemail. His sudden want to give her this fantastic night out had inadvertently sent her into the terrifying den of the Popular Girls, and he was starting to wonder if he had made a mistake.
"What if she dumps me?" He fretted, "What if this whole weekend turns out to be something mentally scarring for her and she ends up dumping me?" He looked at his friends.
"Better yet, what if this whole weekend makes her realize how much she's attracted to chicks and prefers to munch carpets than suck dong?" Kenny grinned.
Kyle couldn't throw his pillow at Kenny hard enough. "Motherfucking Christ, Ken! That's not funny!"
Cartman couldn't help but laugh, also receiving a pillow thrown at him. "Ey!"
"It's going to be okay, dude." Stan said reassuringly, "Hey, Wends is giving me updates on Liz every hour, so far everything's going fine." He held up his phone.
"They have her for the whole weekend, Stan." Kyle continued to fret.
"Tonight is probably the worst of it," Kenny offered, "Your girlfriend is a girl, Kyle, she's going to learn how to act like one someday."
Cartman was too busy thinking back to her pleading at him for help, remembering how hot that moment was.
Kyle hung his head, "I'm starting to wonder if this was the worst idea in the world."
"Dude," Stan sighed, "This is your first date with Liz after how many months?"
"Four." Kyle offered, "Next Friday is Valentines Day, her birthday."
Stan smiled then, "You're giving her a great present for her seventeenth birthday, Kyle."
Kenny's eyes widened at the realization, "Oh shit, I've been banging a sixteen-year-old." He laughed then, "Hot damn, don't tell the cops."
Stan snorted and punched Kenny's arm playfully. "You fucking perv."
Kyle rolled his eyes, relaxing just slightly. "This is good, right? A Valentine's Day dinner at an expensive restaurant?"
"I woulda taken her to the symphony, but sure, a fucking fake Italian restaurant is good enough for you." Cartman shrugged.
"Fatty sounds jealous." Kenny grinned.
"Fuck you Kinny!" Cartman shot back, "I'm just sayin' that Buca Di Faggoncini is a stupid place for a romantic night out. She's a classy chick, for Christ's sake!"
"He's jealous." Stan finalized.
"It's fun to hear that Eric Cartman is pining for my fucking girlfriend." Kyle said flatly, glaring at him.
"Isn't he always?" Kenny asked, "I mean, he thought he was fucking cursed for two weeks and it turned out to be his own boner." He dodged Cartman's fist.
"I am not after some Jew bitch whore!" Cartman argued.
"She fucking hates you anyway, so it's never going to happen." Kyle seemed to smile at that, knowing that at least his girlfriend had a sense of decency.
Elizabeth was forced out of her comforting sleeping bag, her so called 'friends' hooking arms around the girl and taking her upstairs because the last thing Elizabeth was is a morning person. She was sat down in the kitchen and presented a cup of coffee, while Alice teased her nose with the scent of buttery toast.
"She's still asleep, isn't she?" Lola questioned, noting that Elizabeth's eyes were still shut.
"Give her two hours." Alice suggested, grinning when Marjorine burst into giggles.
"Actually…" The blonde gave them a wicked grin, making her way to the sink and grabbing the spray hose. "Back away right now or you'll die a horrible death." She warned the rest of them.
"Wait-" Wendy tried, but it was too late, Marjorine sprayed Elizabeth with ice cold water. The reaction was instant, and Elizabeth shrieked and launched herself backwards, falling off the chair and kicking the coffee all over the floor, scrambling out of the room like she was under attack.
"Marjorine!" Wendy shouted, but most of the girls, and Alice, were laughing their asses off. Alice was doubled over, clutching her best friend and cackling.
"Don't encourage her!" Bebe shouted at Alice, but her words fell on deaf ears.
Wendy had shot Stan a text two hours later, suggesting that the boys should hit the mall so Kenny could collect Alice and Marjorine, as they were banned from the day's activities. Also, Elizabeth needed time with Kyle to lick her wounds.
Cartman, despite the restraining order, decided to tag along anyway. He never really listened to it, and even though he was under house arrest he was able to slip off the ankle bracelet and stick it somewhere else. Somewhere along the line, South Park's police had stopped giving a shit about Eric Cartman's restrictions.
The government system was unfair, in Kyle's opinion. He ignored the loud crunching of his fat 'friend' eating in the car, while Kenny was on his phone with the girlfriend he was going to see in under ten minutes. Stan managed to keep his patience, because someone had to keep Kyle from freaking out today.
The group of girls weren't hard to spot, and the one girl that wasn't in pastels and bold colors was sitting irritably at the food court while the rest were gossiping amongst each other.
"You look like hell." Kyle mentioned to his girlfriend upon meeting her. Her eyes were tired and she looked ready to skin a cat.
"If I still had my curse I would have touched everyone." She explained simply.
Kyle paled slightly and moved to hug her, giving a small nervous laugh. "Let's not get too outlandish."
"I want them all dead." Elizabeth insisted. "Please tell me I can kill them, please."
Kyle's nervous laughter grew, "Liz, no killing anyone."
She grumbled in defeat and nuzzled his neck, her eye twitching when Alice took a picture of the sight.
"You can't kill your sister." Kyle said it before she asked.
Wendy sighed, grabbing Alice's arm and taking her over to Kenny, "She deserves to be punished." She told him.
Kenny grinned mischievously, "That's not a punishment, Wends." He slipped his arms around Alice's waist, "If anything, that'd be a reward."
Alice laughed when he attacked her neck. "Of if only she knew." She giggled.
Wendy pursed her lips together while Marjorine laughed. "I hate all of you." She finally stated.
Elizabeth mumbled something into Kyle's neck and pulled him away from the crowd. Her hand found his and she squeezed it. "I feel like I was tortured."
Kyle looked at her, "It wasn't that bad, was it?"
She laughed bitterly, "Yes, but...you're worth it, I guess." She said the last part quietly, flushing slightly.
Kyle became flustered at the words, laughing nervously and smiling.