A/N: Welcome to the cracktacular world of Fullmetal and Twilight! Please keep all arms, legs, automail, and other appendages in the car at all times!

Disclaimer: I do not own either fandom. Duh.

A/N: This chapter has now been edited. Yay for grammer!

Once upon a time, the beautiful Mary Sue- uh Bella Swan was going to biology class. She was looking forward to seeing her one and only true love, Edward Cullen. She skipped happily into class, pointedly ignoring all of her friends, sat down in her seat, and looked at the teenager sitting next to her.

Instantly she noticed something was wrong with her Edward. First of all, he was sitting with his chair tilted back and his feet on the desk, something her precious Edward would never do. Also, he didn't really look like Edward at all.

"Um Edward," she said "Something looks different about you."

Edward glanced at her, a look of confusion on his face. "Huh?"

"Well," she continued, "Your hair is long and blond. And your skin isn't absurdly pale. Also you're kind of short."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A MIRCROSCOPIC LITTLE PIPSQUEAK!"

Bella looked more than a little freaked out. But she managed to ignore all the other oddities about Edward for the rest of the day. Like the fact that he ate all of his lunch, and went back for more. He kind of freaked out when the teacher turned on a tv. And then he went out in the sun. Also, he seemed to be avoiding her, and looked very disturbed when she tried to kiss him.

Of course, Edward, who wasn't really Edward Cullen at all, but our beloved Edward Elric thought that this weirdo girl was a creepy stalker who wouldn't leave him alone.

Anyway, after school, Bella followed Ed into the parking lot. He was walking towards the front of the school, completely ignoring the cars.

"Edward!" she called "What about your Volvo?"

Ed flinched at the sound of her voice, but turned anyway.

"My what-vo?"

"Your Volvo silly, your car."

"I don't have a car"

At this moment, a shadow loomed over Ed. "Are you giving Bella a hard time you leech?"

Ed looked up. Standing behind him was a very tall teenager with wild black hair. He was glaring down at Ed, and cracking his knuckles. Then his angry look changed to one of confusion.

"Hang on, you look different today Edward." Jacob said.

"That's what I said!" Bella chimed in.

"What the heck are you creeps talking about!" Ed yelled.

"Hey! No one calls Bella creep and gets away with it!"

Jacob advanced towards Ed. Then a shadow loomed of Jacob. He slowly turned around. Standing behind him was a massive suit of armor, complete with intimidating spikes, strange symbols, and glowing red eyes. The armor looked down menacingly at Jacob.

"Oh, there you are Al!" Ed said calmly. "I've been wondering where you went."

"What's going on brother? Is this man trying to hurt you?" Al asked.

Jacob whimpered, and edged towards his motorcycle. The armor watched him. Then Jacob gave up trying to be cool, and bolted, screaming.

"What is going on here Edward? Something just isn't right." Bella looked like she was going to cry. She moved towards Ed, who nervously edged away.

"Look, I don't know who you are, but-"

"Don't know! How can you not know. You're Edward, my precious vampire boyfriend!"

"Vampire…?"

"Wow brother, we've only been here a day and you already have a girlfriend!"

"What," Ed yelped "I do not! She's lying!"

"No I'm not." Bella sniffled. "I can tell it's you. With your golden eyes and hard, cold skin," Ed awkwardly stuck his right arm behind his back "and the way you've been protecting me, it's obvious!"

"Protecting you? What?"

But Bella had made up her mind. She grabbed Ed's arm and pulled him to her truck.

"Come on, we're going to my house. Sorry Emmett, but you'll have to sit in the back. Why are you wearing that weird armor anyway?"

"Emmett?" Alphonse sounded hurt and confused. Ed just shrugged at him.

Soon they got to Bella's house. As they were walking (being dragged) up the steps, Charlie came out the door.

He saw Al and yelled "That's it, I knew this Edward guy was to dangerous for you Bella! Look at the weirdo's he brings to my home!"

Then he magically produced a gun, and started shooting at Ed and Al. Obviously this didn't go well, because obviously the bullets bounced off of Al's armor, and obviously hit Bella. Obviously.

"No!" The real Edward Cullen magically appeared. "My Bella! Oh I knew I was to dangerous for you to be around! I told you!" Then he flung himself dramatically on Bella.

"Edward, you weren't even here when I got shot." Bella pointed out.

"She has a point." Ed said.

"Um… well, it's still my fault!" Edward burst into tears.

"Oh no, Edward, it's my fault for being so clumsy! You know that's my only character fault, the only thing that keeps me from being perfect, and now…" she started crying too.

They held each other and cried and kissed for a few minutes. The Elrics stood by, looking disgusted and disturbed. Then with one last sob, Bella went limp.

"Well, now I can go back to my life." Charlie said, and went back into the house.

Edward held Bella a moment longer, then turned towards Ed.

"You! This is all you're fault!"

He launched himself at Ed, and bit his left leg. Hard.

There was a nasty crunching sound, like the sound of sharp, enamel coated calcium trying to rip through steel and carbon. Or so Ed would have told you.

"Ow." whimpered Edward, holding his mouth. "Dat huwt my teef."

The now fang-less vampire sat on the porch, looking put out. Ed and Al looked like they didn't know whether to run away, or laugh. Edward got back up.

"Wew, if I cand bide you den I wiw juwst wip you apawt!"

But before he could do anything, Roy Mustang came up and snapped his fingers. Edward burst into flame.

"You owe me Fullmetal." He told Ed, before walking off again.

The Elric brothers were still just standing there, stunned.

"O-kay." Ed said.

"Um, can we go home now brother? Please?" Al sounded slightly desperate.

"Yeah, let's do that."

"So wait, you got chased off by the Alphonse kid? Hahaha!" Dorochette was laughing at Jacob. "Oh that's rich! And you think you're so tough? Oh man this is too funny!"

"Come on dog-boy" Marta grabbed Dorochette and pulled him, still laughing, out of the house with Roa following, leaving a very hurt Jacob Black staring after them.

Well, now that's over with. If you liked it, please review! If you didn't, please review! If you didn't read it, I would like feedback, but am not counting on it.