Harry Saves the Day and Hermione Gets the Guy
Harry: *awkward silence* What the fuck is up with this title?
Hermione:
*reads title* And I get the guy?Harry:
Are they referring to Ron? That's what I want to know.Hermione:
Better yet, who the fuck are "they" and what have they done to Ron?Ron:
Yeah! What the fuck did they do to me?!?!Harry:
Er... Ron?Hermione:
*obviously annoyed* Giant spiders!Ron:
*pees pants* Where?Hermione:
Over there. *pushes Ron off cliff*Harry:
Damn you, Hermione! You always get the hot ones and you don't even appreciate them!Hermione:
*eyebrows pop off head and land in fruit salad* First of all, since when was little Ronaldo cute, even? And second of all, how come we didn't know you were gay before?Ron:
*from bottom of cliff* Yeah! Erm... I'm not hot? *runs off to Molly*Harry:
First, I'm bi, damn it! Bi. What's so hard about that? Anyway, it was even written on my inner thigh in block print, and has been since first year. And I happen to find Ronnie beyond sexy. *pulls up Ron* Come to Daddy...Hermione:
Erm... okay...Ron:
*tries to get the hell away from a very horny Harry (unsuccessfully)*Harry:
*cackles* Where do you think you're going?Trelawney:
I see... death. Lots of death in his future!Lavender:
It's okay, just come to momma, Sibyll.Hermione:
*twitches uncontrollably* SQUICK!Ron:
Erm... duh! You're usually a tinsy bit faster than that! Where has your head been, Hermione?Hermione:
Two words: Harry's shortsHarry:
Meep!Ron:
*aims machine gun* Bye, bye, bye, HMS Pumpkin Pie...Lavender:
*slow motion* Noooooooooo! *jumps in front of the ship, then gets hit by...*Trelawney:
...fruit salad? *sly tone* It's ruined your dress... guess that means you have to take it off...Lavender:
*nods head enthusiastically* Of course, Professor.Ron:
Kinky little bitches, ain't they?Harry:
*takes out camera* Of course. *snap, snap*Hermione:
Honestly boys! *picks up her own camera*Ron, and Harry:
*jaw drops*Hermione:
Can't I like girls too?Harry, and Ron:
*jaw still down*Ron:
Erm... it's not that...Harry:
Yeah! We just didn't think you were a... erm...Ron:
Pervert! We knew you were a lesbian. How could we not know? I mean, you don't find Harry hotter than hell!Hermione:
And you do?Harry:
Of course he finds me dead sexy. *slicks back hair*Ron:
Erm... what about me?Hermione:
What about you?Ron:
Weren't we going to...Hermione:
...shag like rabid plot bunnies?Ron:
Yeah. *blushes*Harry:
Figures. You straights are all alike.Hermione:
Fuck off, Harry.Harry:
Fine, I will. *does... something*Trelawney:
*releases Lavender and grabs camera*Harry:
*gets totally turned off by Trelawney, and stops* Die bitch!Trelawney:
What a coincidence! Death is in your immediate future!Ron:
Jesus Christ! Not that crap again!Lavender:
It's okay, baby. *schnoogles Trelawney*Hermione:
I can't deal with this shit! *schnoogles Ron*Trelawney:
Ow! Lavender, you hit my inner eye!Lavender:
Want me to kiss it and make it better?Ron:
Cameras ready, guys?Harry:
*loads film* Yep!Hermione:
*sets up camera stand* Yeah, Baby!Ron:
Did she just call me baby?Harry:
Duh.Ron:
Cool. *slides on dark glasses*Trelawney:
Ah! My eye's okay now. *shrieks*Lavender:
What is it, baby?Ron:
Lavender, can you cut the baby crap? We all know it's just for the "extra credit."Lavender:
*sticks tongue out*Trelawney:
It... it's... Harry!Harry:
What about me? Am I the father of your 280th love child?Ron and Hermione:
*twitches*Trelawney:
All along...Harry:
Huh?Trelawney:
you've been a true seerer all along...Harry:
*grabs bullhorn* Step away from the happy pills!Ron:
No! Never! *downs jar**awkward silence*
Hermione:
That was strange.Harry:
Yeah, really strange.Trelawney:
Ok, let's just start the obligatory forth of July orgy.Hermione:
But this is the UK, remember?Harry:
*cough* Shut up! She doesn't know that. *cough*Hermione:
*tries to look sly* Oh! I get it now.Ron:
May I start? *conjures up a 20-pack of condoms, lube, whips and various other things*Harry:
Yes you may, silly boy. *pats Ron on the head*All:
Sings "Joy to the World"Colin:
Hey guys! What's up? Can you sign my ass, Harry? Please? *pulls up donkey*Harry:
*looks relived, then slides out of his handcuffs and proceeds to schnoogle Colin*Hermione:
*takes cue and huggles Ron*Lavender:
*runs far, far away from a divination Professor in heat*Colin:
Oh I wish I was an Oscar Meyer meatball...