Somewhere between the bouquets and bloody clashes with ghouls, Tsukiyama Shuu fell in love with Kaneki Ken.
Love caused him to look at Kaneki with a heightened focus. Tsukiyama observed every detail of Kaneki with clarity: the gentle curves of his cheek and jaw, the dull blackness of his nails, the way he'd touch his face when he was hiding something. He never saw Kaneki cry.
Kaneki's smell changed, too. Its layered tones, once pure and harmonious, now carried an underlying dissonance, a sadness that reminded Tsukiyama of rain. A delicious smell. Tsukiyama despised himself for thinking so, despised himself because a small part of him still wanted to eat Kaneki. This desire throbbed weakly but definitely under the new emotions that bloomed within him.
Kaneki filled every empty space inside his heart. Thoughts of Kaneki occupied his hours and his days. Kaneki was simply a necessity.
And this was the part that really broke Tsukiyama's heart. He needed Kaneki; the reverse was not true. He was a sword for Kaneki, a useful tool and nothing more. No one falls in love with a weapon.
"Hinami-chan! May I speak with you in the kitchen for a moment, please?"
Hinami put down her book and stepped into the kitchen with Tsukiyama. Kaneki, Banjou, and the gas mask trio were in the living room playing cards.
"Mademoiselle, I have something to confess, and something to request."
"What is it, Tsukiyama-san?"
Tsukiyama's voice dropped to a whisper. "I…really like Kaneki-kun." Hinami nodded knowingly. "But I know he doesn't trust me…so I was wondering if you could help."
Hinami thought for a moment. "Since you're so good at cooking, you should cook for Onii-chan and then tell him how you feel! He told me once that his favorite food was his mom's hamburgers."
"Merci, little lady. That is a good plan."
Hinami winked cutely. And so they became co-conspirators. Tsukiyama was relieved he had her as an ally.
The following evening, Banjou and the trio accompanied Hinami to the bookstore, leaving Tsukiyama with Kaneki. Kaneki seemed neither excited nor unhappy when Tsukiyama told him he had planned a surprise meal. Tsukiyama, after skimming through some hamburger recipes online, tried his best to replicate them with human meat. He also opened a bottle of fine blood wine from his parent's cellar and poured two glasses.
When Tsukiyama set a plate of the dish in front of Kaneki, the latter's expression darkened.
"Tsukiyama-san. What is this."
"I tried to make hamburgers, mon cher. Hinami-chan told me they were your favorite. Is there something wrong?"
Kaneki looked up from the plate. His piercing gray eyes stared straight into Tsukiyama's.
"What are you trying to do?"
The question confused Tsukiyama.
"I…I wanted to cook something you'd enjoy, Kaneki-kun. Because, the truth is…" Tsukiyama wasn't sure if he should continue with the confession. This was already going not as planned, and horribly so. Why was Kaneki so angry?
"The truth is you want to eat me."
"No! Well, yes, but that's not—"
"You're being nice to me to gain back my trust. That's it, isn't it? And you're using Hinami, too. She truly likes you, but you're just using her."
Tsukiyama wanted to deny it, but none of it was false per se.
Kaneki stood up from the table and roughly pushed his chair in.
"I'm going to bed. You should probably leave, Tsukiyama-san."
No, no, no. This was not happening. This couldn't have gone worse. Tsukiyama decided there was only one thing left to do.
"The truth is, I'm in love with you, Kaneki-kun."
Kaneki froze but didn't say anything, so Tsukiyama kept talking.
"I'm enamored with you. Infatuated. And while it's also true that I still feel some desire to eat you, I don't want to hurt you." Tsukiyama reached across the table to grab Kaneki's hand. "Give me a second chance."
Kaneki didn't meet Tsukiyama's eyes.
"You know, when you first walked through Anteiku's door, I thought you looked like a model. You were so tall and…handsome. And then when you visited me at Kamii, you were so charming, I thought the others must be wrong about you. I thought you were really, genuinely, a kind person."
Tsukiyama's eyes started to sting.
"And then you tried to eat me."
"Kameki-kun, I am so, so—"
"I should hate you, shouldn't I? That's the worst part. I can't hate you. Sometimes, when I'm with you, I feel…almost happy."
Almost happy?
Kaneki slowly pulled his hand away from Tsukiyama's. Dimly the latter noticed a red stain spreading on the white table cloth. He must have knocked over a wine glass when he reached desperately across the table. A few drops had splashed onto the sleeve of his lilac shirt. That morning he had debated endlessly about what to wear, but it seemed so pointless now. Above them, the ceiling light hummed quietly.
Tsukiyama opened his mouth to say something, but changed his mind. There was an air of finality in the room, like all there was to say had already been spoken. He started to pick up the plates to clear the table. Kaneki stopped him.
"I'll take care of it. I'm sorry you went to all the trouble to cook for me."
Tsukiyama could only nod.
Tsukiyama returned to his parent's manor. He shooed away his servants, who tried to ask him what was wrong. He turned off his cell phone as well, buzzing with messages from Hinami.
As he returned his phone to his pocket, his finger brushed against plastic. He pulled out the bag containing the stained handkerchief from his first "date" with Kaneki. He opened the bag and the tantalizing aroma of Kaneki wafted up to his nose, teasing him. Sick. Tsukiyama was sick. It was really no surprise that Kaneki had rejected him. No surprise at all.
Tsukiyama removed the handkerchief, walked to the trash can, and let it fall. He was reminded of the tablecloth, pure white cloth stained irrevocably with red.