Had I Known Grief
Funerals were not something the 4th Prince, Wang So, was entirely accustomed to. It was strange and foreign to him, but he did not lack manners or respect as a result. Funerals were a natural part of life, but they were not a pleasant aspect to endure what with all of the mourning and sadness. The only other one that he had ever attended had been the one for his 8th brother's late wife, Lady Hae Myung Hee, and as much as he wouldn't like to, he remembered it more than he cared to admit.
He hadn't grieved then, but he felt the sorrow of the people that had surrounded him, and a part of him did feel saddened for her loss. Lady Hae and his 8th brother, Wang Wook, had been kind enough to allow him to stay in their home before he'd been granted permanent residence in the palace. It had been short-lived, but he was still appreciative. She had been kind to him. Maybe it was because they knew long before of how serious Lady Hae's illness had been.
He had never really known that kind of pain before, the kind of pain that the people who loved Lady Hae had felt, and So was quickly discovering that this was something different. This feeling, however, was an odd sensation that strangely gnawed at him in a way he didn't like. It made him uneasy. He felt nearly shaken to the core. He hadn't known just how seriously ill his father had been. The King had done a pretty decent job at hiding his critical condition until it had reached a point he no longer could. What was this he was feeling now?
He knew suffering. He knew the ache of abandonment. He knew the pain of abuse. But the grief that accompanied the loss of someone that meant something and mattered? This was new to him. New in a way that he never wanted to experience again, but he would. Oh, he would, and he knew it. Everyone dies. It was like he had told Hae Soo the night his father passed away. Even if it seemed like a person would never die, they would eventually die.
And one just had. His own father.
The only parent that seemed to care, even if only a little. It had been more than he could've hoped for in a lifetime. To hear his father praise him, and tell him that he had his trust, to able to call him Abeonim for the first time in his life had touched So in ways that couldn't be explained. It was the love of a father, of a parent. And he was gone. The only love that So had ever felt, however brief, was never coming back.
The 4th Prince stood with his brothers gathered in a circle around the funeral pyre, not yet lit. The sun was shining brightly that day. Fluffy, white clouds decorated the sky, and the cerulean color betrayed the mood surrounding the courtyard. The trees and outside walls had been decored with eloquent drapes of white and royal flags insinuating the passing of someone royal.
That royal one being King Taejo Wang Geon, the first ruler and the great founder of Goryeo. He had passed away just a mere two days ago, and the funeral procession had been prepared. The king's body now lay inside of an intricately designed, white casket fit for only that of a king as a final resting place. It was placed high atop a large pile of carefully cut wood. Over the top of his casket lay a funeral shroud, bearing the royal crest.
Wind rustled the tree branches while the drapes and flags rippled and whipped. The courtyard was filled with more people than So had ever seen gathered together. From clans to soldiers, to court ladies, to ministers, physicians, and even the royal slaves. They were all dressed in white to symbolize their mourning. Everyone had been gathered to mourn and pay their respects and say their farewells to the fallen, late king.
In the front stood Queen Hwangbo with Princess Yeon Hwa accompanying her mother along with Grand General Park, his daughter and the astronomer, Choi Ji Mong. Guards were lined all around the courtyard, So assumed, to keep any unwanted company from entering or causing any trouble. There was no sign of his mother, Queen Yoo, as he guessed, that after his brother, the 3rd Prince Wang Yo's treachery, she was not allowed to attend. She was probably sitting in front of his prison cell, lamenting the fact that he was unable to take the throne, and So felt a smug satisfaction at that.
The 4th Prince glanced from his place near the front of the funeral pyre and his eyes fell on Hae Soo, also clad in white mourning clothing of her own with her long hair tied back into a low ponytail, who stood with her hands folded and head bowed. She was near the front, with a group of court ladies standing behind her. There was a sound of a song that filled the air, a tune of grief and sadness sung by one of the ministers as guards slowly made their way forward toward the princes, a wooden torch lit held in one hand.
The first guard approached the 14th Prince, Wang Jung, and bowed his head, handing him the torch. Jung nodded, accepting the torch, sniffing back tears. Next up was the 13th Prince, Baek Ah, to accept a torch. Followed by the 10th Prince, Wang Eun, the 8th Prince Wang Wook, and then he was next. So accepted the torch, his shaking hand grasping around the wood, warmed by the flames. The last to accept was his older brother and the newly appointed King Hyejong, Wang Moo.
Each of the princes, minus King Hyejong, lay their flaming torches against the late king's funeral pyre. The fire crackled and snapped, slowly snaking its way to the top of the pyre, flames licking at the funeral shroud. So's heart squeezed as he lay his torch against the wood, his eyes following his flames and watching the sides of the shroud burn and furl, flames now engulfing the casket. After the flames had been transferred from the torches to the pyre, the guards took the smoking torches from the princes as they moved away from it, taking their places at the front of the crowd, with King Hyejong standing at the head of the crowd of mourners, directly in front of the late King Taejo's funeral pyre.
The 4th Prince's eyes darted through the front of the crowd in search of Hae Soo. He wanted to go to her. He wanted to seek her comfort. This was something he never thought he'd be doing in his lifetime, and it was twisting and bending his insides as if invisible hands were attempting to break him. He found her and made his way toward her, longing to have his heart and his uneasiness calmed by her. He approached her side and glanced down at her, his expression tortured.
Soo's dark, penetrating eyes searched his own, and more than anything he wanted to collapse into her, but he could not. This was his father's, the Great King Taejo's, funeral. He must maintain his dignity as a Prince and not allow himself to grieve openly like some commoner. His father would've never appreciated behavior like that from the royal family. So took his place at her side as the crowd all placed their hands up in prayer and they all bowed their heads. He watched the final flames of King Hyejong's torch light the pyre. So's eyes followed the trail of curling smoke upward into the bright blue of the sky, and he felt a twinge of anger.
The sky should not be blue like this. It should be grey, filled with rising clouds and raining. It should be mourning just like the rest of them were. It was almost as if the heavens themselves were mocking them, disrespecting the passing of His Majesty. There was a sound of soft sobbing near him, and So inclined his head toward the noise. He saw his younger brothers, Jung, and Eun along with the Eun's wife, Grand General Park's daughter Soon Deok, comforting one another. Jung had his arm around 10th Prince Eun, resting his head on top of his brother's while Eun wept softly, and Soon Deok had her own face buried into Eun's shoulder while Eun kept an arm around her, surprising So. He'd never been one to affection to Soon Deok, but maybe it was because of the funeral and Eun being generally warm-hearted. Prince Wook had silently taken his place between his mother and sister with his head bowed, appearing unphased, but he did not miss the looks of jealousy that Wook threw him, and he knew it was because of Soo.
The 4th Prince found himself looking forward once more at the aggressively growing flames covering his father's pyre as they burned away what was left of the late king, of his father and something inside of him made him want to lurch forward, to run to his father and break down the pyre, but he knew it would be in vain. How he longed to go back in time, to go back to when the king first found out he was ill. Maybe there was something he could've done. Maybe a better physician? Something that could've let his father live longer, but the heavy realization hit Prince So like an anvil to the heart. What a completely silly connotation. King Taejo was not coming back, and So would never see him again.
Abeoji...
Prince So felt his eyes becoming disturbed by a burning wetness, his vision grew distorted, and his nose tingled. He sniffed discreetly and remembered once again, the day of Lady Hae's funeral. He flashed back to that time where Hae Soo had stood in front of him that day. He remembered clearly how hard she had cried, placing one hand over her heart and another over her mouth trying to hold in her sobs, and now he understood.
Her overwhelming and bold show of emotion had once moved something inside of him, but he had not understood it then, just the kind of suffering she felt. He understood it now, and it was all he could do to not bring his own hand to his chest and claw at this new pain finding it's way into his heart. He clenched his teeth, his brow furrowing, and his jaw working in an attempt to hold back his own flood of emotions now.
So was pulled from that memory as he felt a small hand wrap around his shaking wrist and hold onto it comfortingly. He glanced down to see Hae Soo staring up at him with tears in her eyes, a small smile on her lips and look at him in a gentle understanding that nearly made him crumble right there.
I am here for you. It's okay.
His entire body began to tremble under the weight of his grief.
She nodded her head to him as if to tell him it was okay, and the Prince felt the emotion, that he had been attempting to maintain, rain from somewhere in the depths of his heart. So lowered his head, allowing his fringe of long bangs to fall in front of his eyes, hiding his face from view. A quiet sob escaped him and grief of the likes that he had never felt tore into his heart. The pain was nearly overwhelming, and So placed his free hand over his mouth to hold in his sobs just as Hae Soo had once done.
Noticing this, Soo squeezed his wrist and ran her hand up his arm to place it gently against his bicep. She closed her eyes, resting the side of her head against his arm as if assuring him that it was okay to grieve for his father, that nobody would judge him or say a word. That was a part of what funerals were all about after all. So felt his aching heart strangely stutter at this comforting gesture and he released his hand from his mouth, placing it over Hae Soo's that was placed against his arm, his fingers gripping desperately onto her hand.
The Prince hadn't felt Baek Ah approach his other side when his younger brother placed a hand on top of his brother's shoulder and squeezed it in much the same way Soo had his wrist. So glanced over at Baek Ah who was staring straight forward and had silent tears streaming down his own cheeks, and back down to Hae Soo, who now had let her own tears escape, her eyes still shut and head still leaning on his arm.
And so the 4th Prince let himself cry quietly, allowing his grief to consume him, head hanging and shoulders jerking with each painfully silent sob. He had the support of Hae Soo and his favored brother. They were showing him it was okay, and so he let the tears spill in a steady stream, one after the other falling off his nose, off of his lips and chin, with no desire to stop them. He didn't care anymore if his brothers or the people around him saw or heard. It was a pain that couldn't be kept captive inside of him anymore.
A voice resounded through the air that So recognized as Grand General Park's and he could hear the trembling in the man's voice. He spoke of his time on the battlefield with King Taejo, the time they spent together as comrades in arms, the closeness they had as friends was like that of a brother, along with some other words that became lost to So as he seemed to find no end to his own grief, and wondered if he could ever stop this onslaught of tears that seemed to just keep coming. The last time he'd been in such a miserable state had been when his mother threw him away. That night at the prayer stones, in his grief and his rage, he'd destroyed what he could until Hae Soo had been able to stop him. It seemed like almost a lifetime ago when in truth it had only been a little over a year ago. That pain was different from this one. There was no desire to cause the same destruction being dealt to his heart.
Shortly to follow was Ji Mong to express his own words about the late king, followed by the newly appointed King Hyejong. The words blurred in and out as So focused on attempting to calm his turbulent emotions to no avail. He hoped it would be over soon. He was beginning to feel suffocated in all of this, and if he'd had his way about it, he would've escaped long ago from it all. It was too much knowing that it was final. His father was never coming back, and So did not want to go through this again.
Awhile after the funeral and King Taejo's burial, Prince So, Hae Soo and Prince Baek Ah had found themselves taking a quiet walk along the palace grounds. The sun was slowly making it's descent in the west, painting the sky in orange and red hues. So had finally been able to calm himself down and breathe freely, now that he was away from the claustrophobia of the late king's mourners. The three of them had agreed that they needed to get away from the crowds and take some time for themselves and to regather composure. Soo and Baek Ah stayed close to So's side, and he was truly grateful for it.
Their comfort and support made things much more bearable, and in turn, he offered them comfort as best as he could manage. Though now that he was calmer and able to think more clearly, So found himself confused as to why it was harder than he had expected to say goodbye to his father, sending him on to the next life. There was no lie that he had truly loved him. He was his father after all. So was sure the majority of the princes felt the same way he did, and if what Hae Soo had said was true, then his father had loved him too.
"It's strange," Baek Ah's quiet voice was the first to speak up as the three of them strolled slowly through the palace gardens. "I didn't realize having to say goodbye to Pyeha would be as painful as this."
So glanced up at his brother, eyes widened slightly. Had the man been reading his own thoughts? Was he that transparent, or maybe he wasn't wrong in saying that his brothers likely felt the same as him. Wind brushed past them, rippling through So's long ponytail and he lifted his head, closing his eyes as the breeze caressed and soothed him like a breath of fresh air.
"He was your father, Baek Ah-nim," Hae Soo took it upon herself to reply gently glancing upward at the man. "Of course you would feel pain at his passing. That's only natural."
So sighed and stopped his walking as they approached Lake Donji, the usually still waters a bit perturbed by the wind.
"I feel the same way you do, Baek Ah. For the longest time, it felt like Pyeha was just testing us, using us, manipulating or taking advantage, but then I got to thinking and remembering things that I thought I had long forgotten."
Hae Soo's small hand placed itself against So's arm tenderly and she gazed up at him warmly with those large, dark, curious eyes of hers. Eyes that seemed to stare straight into his soul and make his heart stutter.
"Would you be willing to share it with us?"
"I'm sure you don't want to hear my ramblings about the king or the past." So half-chuckled, half-huffed out, averting his eyes from Hae Soo's imploring ones.
"That's not true, hyungnim," Baek Ah spoke up. "We want to know more about you. We like when you share things with us. We're family, right?"
"Right!" Soo piped up, nodding her dark head fervently. "Please, Wangjanim. Share with us. We want to know.
The 4th Prince sighed. "Alright then... Two years ago, back when I was still living in Shinju, I was receiving my annual birthday gift from Pyeha. Usually, he sent Ji Mong to bring me a new mask every year on my birthday." He smiled a small, but painful smile, his eyes looking far away. "I made a comment about how he must have thought sending a new mask every year was enough fatherly affection."
So closed his eyes. "Ji Mong had laughed a bit about it, and while I was trying on the new mask, I happened to glance toward where the palanquin sat. I saw Pyeha peeking out at me. Something about his expression looked pleased, but there was something else in it then that I didn't understand. Maybe I do now, and maybe I don't. It was almost like he wanted to come to me. It's something I'll never forget."
So glanced upward at the swaying branches of the trees. "I had only been 16 then, but it made me realize that perhaps every year I was brought my birthday gift, he had snuck along just to get a glimpse of me. I don't know why, but something about that made me feel a little better. Like maybe I was a missed? I don't know."
"Hyungnim. I think that Pyeha definitely missed you, and often thought very fondly of you. He did say that he wanted you by his side before, right? Perhaps our father had more affection for you than you realize," Baek Ah stated, putting his hand on So's shoulder once more. So glanced toward his younger brother and gave him a smile.
"Thank you, Baek Ah," was all he could bring himself to say. Hearing those words eased something in his own heart, and he was truly appreciative that he and the 13th Prince had become so close. He was grateful for Baek Ah's friendship. Hae Soo and Baek Ah were the only ones he'd ever truly let in and break down those walls he'd spent years carefully constructing around his own heart.
"You know," Soo began thoughtfully. "Pyeha did have many children, but I believe that the ones he was closest to were all of you. You two, Eun, Jung, and Moo. All of the ones who lived in the palace with him. I think as King he did his best to show you all affection in the best way he knew how. It may not have always been perfect, and he may not have been the best father, but I believe deep down in my own heart that Pyeha loved and cared deeply for all of his sons."
So turned toward Hae Soo, a small lopsided smile on his lips. He placed a hand on top of her head and rubbed it gently. "You always know what to say to makes things lighter, don't you, Soo-yah?" Hae Soo grinned and blushed.
"So-hyungnim is right," Baek Ah affirmed, nodding his head. "You really do know what to say to help ease our hearts."
"I was just saying what I thought to be true," Soo responded with a heavy blush dusting her cheeks and nose. She placed her hands behind her back and toed lightly at the ground, causing the princes to chuckle a bit.
"Well then," Baek Ah interrupted, squeezing in between So and Soo, placing both arms around their shoulders. "I believe this calls for a drink."
"A drink?" So questioned, raising an eyebrow curiously.
"Yes! A drink! After all, it's another way to help soothe your grief, even if it's just temporary. Right, Soo-yah?" the 13th Prince glanced downward toward Hae Soo with a wink who had a surprised look on her face.
"Ah! Right! Myung Hee. Well then. I have to agree. We have some heavy drinking to do," Hae Soo agreed, amusement in her tone, and So just shook his head and chuckled.
"Alright then. Let's go drinking."
After the mood of the day, the grieving, the sadness, So found himself feeling at home, comfortable and happy with these two people. His people. His most beloved younger brother, Baek ah, and the woman he completely lost his heart to, Hae Soo. If anyone could quell his grief, it would be them.