I just wanna a say that I did write this poem while I was suffering a massive panic attack. I was sixteen, almost seventeen. So a little over a year ago. I just thought it would be a good poem to apply to a character as well. All of my characters in fanfics have a piece of me within them. So this was from my perspective, then applied to Vlad.

Yell at me
Beat me down
You don't care how I feel
I feel like I could die
But no, please, yell some more
Don't stop
I deserve your cruel words
Sharp shards of hate in my heart, soul, and mind
They won't heal
I'll bleed black ink for eternity
As you can see, it's already begun
These words on these pages
They're the blood from my soul and mind
My heart, as it still bleeds, is numb
I go through the motions
But never make an impact
In a world of 6 billion people, my voice goes unheard
My pain goes unnoticed
My blood goes unseen
My wounds go unhealed
I die with every breathe I take
I was born to die
As are we all
The second we come into this hateful world
We start to die
So how can I live, knowing I'm already dead?
I can feel my heart beat racing
Faster and faster
I can feel panic spreading through my limbs
I can feel my mother's anger
I can feel my ink-blood drip
From the tip
Of a black bic pen
Drip...
Drip...
Drip...
A steady flow
Drip...
Drip...
Drip...
A constant reminder of my family's cruelties
Never healing
Never leaving
It makes me scared
Breathless
Am I dying?
Or does it just feel that way?
You all watch me as if I'm a science project
I'm no experiment
I AM a human being
With rights
Feelings
Tears
I just want love
Equality
Family
But no, I'm just a loveless, lowlife, freak
Borne of "love", raised by hate
How do you sleep at night?
How do you breath?
You know I hurt
So why ignore me?
You must be terrified
If you think it's okay to pretend I'm alright
That I'm not losing control
That I'm not falling apart before your eyes
You can see, yet you're blind with ignorance
You can hear, yet you're deaf to my pleas
You can speak, yet all you tell is lies
All I can do is nothing that's right
I fail at everything I do
Yet my words, useless letters, continue to bleed onto the page
Why can't I stop?
The panic has set in again
My heart feels as if it will burst
I can't breathe, it hurts
dripdripdrip
The faster the heartbeat
dripdripdrip
The faster the flow
babumbabumbabum
Faster and faster
The room is spinning
I'm getting dizzy
It won't stop
My world is spinning out of control
I'm slipping
I'm on the brink of screaming
The edge of insanity
And I'm about to fall
Who'll catch me you ask?
No one
No one will be waiting at the bottom of my endless, spiraling, insane, black abyss
My nothing is all around me
It's closing in
The room as it's spinning is getting smaller and smaller
I'm suffocating
The walls are pushing me in
b-bum b-bum b-bum
Faster and faster still
When will it end?
I can't find an escape
dripdripdrip
More black blood smears
Dirty smudges on beautiful, clean ivory
I'm tainting what's pure
My fear is consuming me
I see cruel laughing faces all around me
They taunt me
I want them to disappear
Make it stop
bubumbubumbubum
This ink-blood flows so fast now
It's like a river that can't be stopped
Grey, frothy rapids in an onyx stream
Twisting and turning
But look at the big picture
This deadly river is in my head
No one sees my frustration
Or my fear
I cry myself to sleep everynight
How is that healthy?
It's not normal!
I'm slipping deeper into a black noiseless ocean
I do everything wrong
I say the wrong things
I think the wrong things
I try to keep myself in check
But it's so hard to keep track
Of someone so lostm, so hurt, so scared
That they constantly shift gears and want to run and hide
Hide
That sounds excellent
I'll hide in a shell
I won't ever speak again
I'll cease to be seen
I'll bandage my own wounds the best I can
I'm only a child
How can I feel this way?
I'm lost with no guide
Lost on my river
Let's call it Peur Noire
Black fear
Fitting name, don't you think?
It fitss with my black, twisting fear
Noises everywhere
Once again panic begins anew
I can't focus
I can't do anything
But cry, twitch, and shake
My mind is reeling
I'm seeing painful clips from my past
No more! No more!
End it, stop it, please!
I need release
This ink-blod isn't helping
I'm getting worse
I need to go home
I need my control
Panic subsides temporarily
I have a moment to rest
A moment to think
But that peace
That clarity
They don't last long
Now sets in the saddness and guilt
The fear resparks
Tears flow freely
I'm alone
Bleeding ink
Crying makeup
Wishing someone wanted to help
But I can think of no one
No one who would forget everything and save me from drowning
Peur Noire is going faster now
Stealing my breath
I'm getting cold
My lips are purple
And getting darker every second
My movements are slow and stupid
My mind feels fuzzy
Throught the haze I wonder
"What will tomorrow be like?"
That scares me
Peur Noire goes faster
Grows colder
How people manage this
I'll NEVER understand
But what if everything I'm going through,
Is a memory?
What if I'm somewhere in the future comatose, forever panicking, floating Peur Noire?
If that's so, I'd rather be 6 feet under
In a black coffin
Lined with lavender satin
But I need to be here
So Peur Noire, I'll be back tomorrow
For another day of terror
So farewell until the day begins anew
My final words:
Everyday, after every journey, I'll give in, stop fighting Peur Noire and go under in my dreams.