Chapter 1

He needed help. Someone who knew what he was going through. You just don't hang yourself and get over it as soon as the branch snaps. He needed to talk to someone who didn't know anything about the club or him. He hated the fact he had the proof of his failure on his neck for everyone to see. He hated telling Chibs and then having to tell Jax. The pity on their faces made it ten times worse. He wishes that branch would have held. He wishes Chibs hadn't found him collecting the chain. He hated the shame that rolled off him like fog off a river. He wasn't happy; he hadn't been happy since being released from Stockton. Standing in the garage listening to the laughing and talking he wished he wasn't here. He didn't smile or laugh anymore. He made a decision as he stood there he would get help, become better and able to smile again.

Unser was at the club house talking to Clay. Juice walked up to him, "Hey can I ask you something?"

Unser frowned, "Yeah sure why not? Just another day in Charming." Unser sighed.

Juice looked around making sure no one was around to overhear him, "Don't you have a support group for cancer or something?"

"Yeah why? You got cancer?" Unser was looking at him as if he was trying to figure Juice out.

"No I was just wondering if they had other groups." Juice took another look around making sure none of the Sons were remotely close to them.

"Yeah they have a list on the bulletin board. Why?" Juice just shook his head at the older man; he wouldn't understand.

"Nothing. Don't worry about it. Thanks." Juice nodded at Unser and walked out of the clubhouse. He mounted his bike and headed out.

~Sons Of Anarchy~

He stood outside the church staring up at the steeple contemplating going in. He shifted from foot to foot. He pulled at his cut and took a look around. He needed help and it was possibly a few yards away but he was too scared to go in what if they judged him. He was starting to second guess himself.

"You won't burst into flames, you know?" He jumped and turned to see a woman behind him. She smiled at him. She was beautiful. She had deep green eyes, dark hair, and pouty lips. Juice stared at her face.

"The first time I came here, I was just like you, pacing, worried what if they judge me? But I went in and they were some of the nicest people I've ever met. Come on, I'll walk in with you." He was distracted by her pink lips and all he could do was nod.

She picked up his hand and walked toward the building. They made it through the door before he stumbled over his doubts.

"I can't do this. I'm not supposed to be here." He started to pull away but she wouldn't release his hand. He turned to her with pleading in his eyes.

She moved the jacket and cut away from his neck to reveal the bruise on his neck, "Really? That says different. You wouldn't be standing out there if you didn't think you needed help. Sit in on a meeting and see how it goes before you just walk away. You can always leave when you're ready."

"Why are you doing this?" He was gripping her hand as if it was a life line. She was a complete stranger and she was trying to help him.

"I've been where you are standing; you can go in there and listen to people or just talking to someone who loves you and will tell you that you have so much to live for. Stay." Her voice was only slightly pleading.

He stared at their hands and he finally gave in. He nodded at the woman, "Okay. What's your name?"

She smiled at him, "Sonny and you would be?"

"Juan Carlos." She smiled and led him down the hall by his hand. He frowned at the back of her head; maybe he was as dumb as his brothers were always saying. He didn't know the woman from Eve but he gave her his real name.

"It's nice to meet you Juan Carlos. The meeting you're interested already started. You won't get a chance to share today." As he was led by her, he noticed her body; she was very shapely with long legs. She stopped in front of a door and as she opened it he got the sudden urge to run. She still held his hand which kept him from bolting. They walked in; a few people nodded at them. There was an empty chair; she pushed Juice toward it and headed to grab another one for herself. He sat and glanced around at the people.

Some were younger than him, some older but they all held a haunted look in their eyes. A couple of them smiled at him while others refused to meet his eyes. Sonny came back and sat beside him. A guy with black hair and piercings was talking about his dad. People nodded and listened, some spoke up while the Father smiled at the boy. "Thank you, Tobias for sharing. Would anyone else like to share? We have ten more minutes."

"No okay that's fine. Sonny will you introduce us to your friend? Are you going to be his sponsor?" The priest asked with a smile on his face and a hand gesture.

"Um this is Juan Carlos. This is Father O'Donnell. Yeah I'll be his sponsor if he stays." She squeezed his hand in support.

"Welcome Juan Carlos. Sonny is possibly one of the best people you can get to help you through whatever you're going through. In this group, we won't force you to share only if you want to but sometimes talking about whatever it is can be for the best. Sonny'll help you." The Father nodded and stood. "Okay good meeting ladies and gentlemen. Our next meeting is in two weeks but if you need to talk before that feel free to call your sponsor or even me. Have a great day."

The group started to break up. She turned toward him with a slight smile, "So what do you think?" She studied his face for a little bit before reaching into her purse. Pulling out a pen she released his hand. He missed the feeling of her hand in his, "This is my number call me if you just need a friend."

~Sons Of Anarchy~

He sat at the bar staring at the palm of his hand and thinking about calling her. He was having a rough night. The people around him were smiling and he was faking it; trying to be the person he used to be but he was gone that man died on that branch. He asked Filthy Phil for a beer, grabbed it and headed for his room. He sat at his desk, opened the laptop, and typed in the phone number that was written on the palm of his hand.

He drank his beer as he waited for it to load. He would prefer to talk face to face because he didn't want to call her and his brothers over heard. Her information popped up on his screen:

Name: Alexandria Benson

Alias: Sonny

Age: 26

Race: White

Gender: Female

Height: 5' 8"

Weight: 140 lbs

Address: 1200 Kipling Street Apt. 13, Lodi CA.

He stared at the information trying to decide whether he was going to ride to Lodi just to talk to this woman that was a complete stranger or stay here feeling sorry for himself. He tipped the rest of the beer back, slammed his laptop closed, and grabbed a jacket heading out.

~Sons Of Anarchy~

He stood outside her door talking to himself, "Fuck. You are so stupid. Either knock or leave." He turned to leave, "Shit." At the last moment he turned back and knocked on the door. He waited only a few seconds before he started away again. He was halfway down the hall way when he heard her door open.

"Hey did you knock on my door?" He faced her. She stood in the doorway in nothing but a large t-shirt and her hair was messy.

He nodded, "Yeah I did. I know this is kind of stalkerish and I'm sorry but I'd rather talk to someone face to face than over the phone." He rushed his words and she frowned at him.

"Yeah it is a little stalkerish; It's okay Juan Carlos, come on in. Sorry for the mess." She stood back to let him in.

He looked around; there were vanilla folders everywhere and a basket of clothes in the middle of the room. "Actually this is a lot cleaner than most of the places I sleep sometimes."

She smiled at him. He watched her look around the room, "Yeah well half of these are out of date I just haven't properly disposed of them yet. Do you what something to drink? Coffee?"

"Coffee would be good thanks." He followed her into the small kitchen and watched her put the kettle on. He glanced around the kitchen, it was spotless. The walls were a pink blush color and the floor was gray. He could tell that the kitchen was used and taken care of. He was leaning on the counter, spaced out in his own little world when he heard her call his name.

"I asked if you want it black or with milk?" He shook his head and looked away from her feeling embarrassed.

She handed him his cup of black coffee and made hers the way she wanted. "Okay sit. Tell me what's going on in your head or just talk to me about anything."

They sat at the small round table. He smelled the coffee and Magnolias but couldn't see any candles or vases of flowers. His hands wrapped around his coffee cup and he stared into it, "Um I don't know how to start. Where I come from you don't talk about this kind of thing. You know?"

She nodded, "Start where you think it began. What was the trigger for this?" She touched his neck with a slim finger. He shivered at her gentle touch.

He nodded he was about to start but he hesitated, "Juan Carlos whatever you tell me stays in this room I swear on my life. Whatever you say is between us, no matter what it is."

He thought about it and saw that she was only trying to help. It wasn't like she was sitting there waiting for him to confess to a murder. She probably thought it was something like his father hated him or something.

He took a breath and began to tell her why he tried to hang himself. She listened, never seemed upset or scared; she wasn't judging him. She just listened to him. As he told her he felt a little lighter with every word.

He finished and was waiting for her reaction. She patted his hand, "Juan, why didn't you just tell—what was his name—Chibs?" Her voice was kind. "Why didn't you just tell him about it?"

He frowned at her and took her hand in his, "See blacks aren't allowed in my club it's a by law. They could kill me if they find out or worse they could exile me from the club. I can't get exiled they're my only family. Sonny, I'd rather be dead."

She nodded at him, "Okay." She took a breath, "You did what you thought you had to do and that's really all you could do. From what you told me you did it to protect the club, your family. There wasn't a reason to kill yourself."

"But I killed Miles because I was thinking of me and not the club." He put his face in his hands.

"It was flight or fight Juan. Your brain made the decision not you. Do you understand? Juan look at me." She tried to pull his hand away from his face.

"No how can you say that? I killed a man for no reason. I should have just let him turn me in." He pushed away from the table and started pacing. "I killed him because I didn't want to be labeled a rat."

"Juan. Stop. Yes you killed him but you didn't do it because you just felt like it. You did it to survive and that's all anyone can do." She was still at the table watching him pacing the floor.

He snorted, "Have you ever killed someone? Watched the surprised look cross their face? The light go out of their eyes? Have you ever looked at your brothers and lied, making it look like the guy you just killed was a rat?" He gave a dark chuckle. "No you haven't; don't tell me it was all I could do. I could have told them everything and none of this would have happened." His voice started to crack and tears ran down his face. "How can I look my brothers in the eyes knowing that I betrayed them?"

He sank to his knees in the middle of the kitchen floor. She went to him, kneeling beside him, "I know you think no one understands but somewhere out there someone does. Maybe you need to talk to Chibs; tell him everything."

He looked at her through the tears, "I can't. Knowing I betrayed him is hell. I protected his family and I feel like I disrespect him. I can't."

"I believe he would at the very least listen to what you had to say and not jump to conclusions."

He stood up from the kitchen floor and looked down at her, "How can you be so calm about this whole thing? I told you I killed someone and you just say well you had no choice. Everyone has a choice.

She stood up sighing, "Juan calm down. You came here to talk and not be judged right? What do you want me to say? That you're a horrible person. You should have died that night." She picked up the coffee cups off the table and headed to the sink.

"Why were you even at the church? I mean you have this positive attitude about everything. Why do even sit in on those meetings? To make yourself feel superior?"

She turned toward him and leaned on the counter, "No I've been were they've been. I've wanted to die because I didn't fit in or felt unwanted. Adopted children are more likely to feel unwanted."

He looked at her and he saw that she didn't go to a dark place within her mind. She was standing there still with a slight smile. She held up her wrist to show him tattoos, her left wrist said Breathe and the right said Think. "I always think about my actions and the consequences. Haven't you ever heard of smile even though your heart is breaking? If you put a smile on your face it changes everything."

He laughed at her, "So you hide behind your smile and think no one sees how broken you are?"

"No. I know how broken I was. But you learn to talk to people and love yourself. You lose the hatred you feel for yourself." She smiled. "The tattoos hide more than the smile does."

He watched as she walked out of the kitchen and followed behind her, "What do you mean the tattoos hid more than the smile?"

She picked up a stack of files off the couch and placed them on the table, "I mean there's a reason they're placed where they are."

She turned on the overhead light and showed him the tattoos a little closer. He picked up her wrists and looked closely he didn't see anything. He ran his thumb over them and felt a thin line of scar tissue.

She smiled up at him, "My attempt failed too. I go to those meetings so I can repay those that helped me. Juan I want to help you through this."

He sat on the couch rubbing his hands over his face, "I don't know, Sonny. Or is it Alexandria?"

She blinked at him, "You did your research didn't you?" She sat down beside him and smiled.

"Yeah, it's kind of my thing you know. That and motorcycles." She smiled at him as he leaned back on the couch.

"I prefer Sonny but you can call me whatever you want. My mother does." They sat on the couch just thinking about the last hour.

"I just want to smile again, you know? I don't want to hate the people around me for being happy." He watched as she picked up his hand.

"I know but you're going to have to work through that by talking or finding something that makes you smile."

He shook his head, "I don't know what that is any more." He watched as her brow furrowed in thought.

"What's something that made you smile before this and can still make you feel better now?"

"Sex. Sex is the only thing that clears my head and I feel whole afterwards." He thought she'd be pissed about his answer but she just chuckled at him.

"That's because when you're having sex, you feel close to someone and you feel cared for." She turned her head toward him.

"Shit thanks for ruining sex for me." She laughed which made him smile. She bumped his shoulder.

"Puh-lease a STD couldn't ruin sex for you." He turned his head so he could look back at her with a shocked expression.

"I'm hurt that you think so little of me." They sat in silence. She picked up his hand and ran her thumb over his knuckles. Her head lay on his shoulder. After a few minutes he could tell she was asleep. He thought about leaving but it had been a long time since he had felt so free. He ended up spending the night on her couch with her. He wasn't even thinking about how to get in her pants for once. Most of the time when he talked to a girl it was for sex and that was it.

He didn't have healthy relationships with any women other than Gemma. He used and abused them for his needs. He didn't hate women or hit them; he just didn't have a constant stable relationship with them. Sometimes when he was lonely he wished he had some where to go just to cuddle and watch TV or just talk with someone.

Exhaustion suddenly set in. Sleep was normally a hard thing to come by. Juice's last thoughts before falling asleep was the peacefulness in his chest and the wondering thought: was it because of the weight lifted off his shoulders, or the presence of Sonny?