My first songfic! This is a Death Eater parody of the number "War is a Science" from Pippin. It takes place the summer between Goblet of Fire and Order of the Phoenix.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, and all dialogue and lyrics belong to Roger O. Hirson and Stephen Schwartz.

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War is a Science: Death Eater Edition!

The stage at Malfoy Manor was dark. Suddenly, two lights came up at opposite ends, revealing Bellatrix Lestrange at stage left and Severus Snape at stage right. Each held tambourines emblazoned with the Dark Mark, and each was in a dramatic pose.

"Glory." Snape drawled.

"Death to Mudbloods!" Bellatrix screeched.

Off they went, doing a dance that involved much high kicking, tambourine jingling, and flamboyant posing. Various unnamed and unnecessary members of the Black and Malfoy clans too boring and insignificant to be honored as Death Eaters were in the orchestra pit. Onstage, Death Eaters moved benches into place. Bellatrix and Snape finally finished their dance and shuffled into place along the middle of the stage.

"Death Eaters, be seated!"

The Death Eaters sat down as their leader, Lord Voldemort, entered. The lights came on bright Slytherin green as Voldemort, black robes trailing like smoke, took center stage.

Draco Malfoy came sprinting in, robes askew. His first-ever unofficial Death Eater meeting—Mother and Father had promised him this as a fifteenth-birthday gift!—and he was late. He landed on the bench beside Snape. Snape frowned disapprovingly at the fifteen-year-old boy and coughed, thereby alerting Voldemort. The Dark Lord looked at Draco.

"Er, sorry I'm late..."

Voldemort's nostril slits flared. "Yes. You are sorry.'"

The Death Eaters began to slap their hands on their thighs and pedal their left foot down in rhythm as the piano banged away in the pit. Voldemort cracked his long, spindly fingers.

"Well, friends, it's been a long, hard march. Tomorrow, I lead the campaign at Hogwarts to vanquish Dumbledore and the Mudbloods. You all know the terrain, but just in case, I shall make a map here." Voldemort announced, creating a map with his wand. Malfoy sprang out of his seat, pointing his wand.

"Why can't we go in there and kill them? Avada Kedavra!" he cried. A bright green blot of light shot from his wand. All the Death Eaters leaned back as it hit a passing house-elf. The tiny elf pitched forward with a scream and died. "Oops..." The music and stomp-clapping stopped dead suddenly.

Narcissa Malfoy, six seats away, frowned down the seated chorus line at her son. "Draco!" Voldemort looked at Narcissa. "Leave him, Narcissa." Then he rounded on Malfoy and hissed, "But don't let it happen again!" Malfoy squeaked in terror and dropped back onto the bench. The moment his skinny little rear end touched the wooden seat, the band and chorus line struck up again as if nothing had happened.

"As I was saying, we shall mount our attack on the morrow. Then Hogwarts will be mine! Muahahahahahahahaha!" Voldemort cackled, inviting his cronies to join in.

"But why can't we just go in there and kill them like I said?" Malfoy piped up impudently. The marcato background music did not stop this time, only softened.

"Because war is a science, Draco." Voldemort said matter-of-factly. Lucius Malfoy, seated beside his wife five Death Eaters down the line, sent his son a disapproving glare.

"But that makes it sound not fun at all, like I'm back at boring ol' Hogwarts—no offense, Professor Snape!!" Malfoy blurted. Voldemort, instead of lashing out with a casual Cruciatus Curse, simply chuckled. "There's plenty of fun when you win!"

The music stopped and gave way to a dreamy melody played on a harpsichord and flute. Voldemort began to sing.

"War is a science
With rules to be applied!"

Lucius suddenly interrupted Voldemort's phrase with a loud, "DOO-DA!" But Voldemort went right on singing.

"Which good minions appreciate
Recall and recapitulate
Before they go to decimate
The other side!"

The stomp-clapping promptly began again, and with his wand, Voldemort conjured some colored, glittering shapes in midair and began moving them around, saying, "Now, Death Eaters, this is the plan for tomorrow's skirmish," and then explaining in song.

"The army of the enemy is stationed on the hill,
So we've got to bring them down here, and this is how we will.
Our men in the ravine (that's this area in green)
Will march up to the castle, where they plainly can be seen.
And the Ravenclaws (in blue) will undoubtedly pursue
For that's what you depend upon the Muggle-borns to do!
Then to guarantee their failure ,
we'll bring torture into play!
We'll fire just one Cruciatus—"

(Here, Bellatrix let loose a scream for dramatic effect.)

"And retire to point A.
And then, and then
And Death Eaters, and then....

Malfoy jumped up, brandishing his wand. He decided that if Voldemort was going to sing his scheme, maybe he should get his point across by singing too:

"And then the men go marching out into the fray,
Vanquishing the Muggle-borns and carrying the day!
Hark! The blood is spewing from their ears
Jubilations! We can hear the grateful pureblood's cheers!"

A brisk, joyful military march serenaded Malfoy as he strode up the row and back down to his seat.

"DRACO!" Lucius and Voldemort boomed in tandem. "Sit down immediately!"

Malfoy meekly took his seat. "OK…"

The flute and harpsichord duet sounded from the pit, and Voldemort mused, Now, where was I? Ah, yes...." and began Verse 2.

"War is a science
A breeding ground for brains…"

He paused so another Death Eater could leap up, shout arbitrary, campy gibberish, and then plop back down. But Wormtail, the designated Death Eater, was stupidly staring into space. Snape brought his heel down on Wormtail's toes.

"YEOW!" he howled, jumping up.

"Very good, Severus, Peter. Now, where was I?" Voldemort said.

"War is a science
A breeding ground for brains…"
For though I went and changed my name
The men whose quills have brought me fame
Write endless paragraphs explaining
My campaigns!"

Together the evil chorus line and their leader went off into the second verse.

"Now when the Mudbloods see our soldiers marching through the lea
They will mount a charge and meet us at the point I've labeled B
And Hufflepuffs on the hill (in yellow on the map)
Will leave their posts to join the rest and fall into our trap
Then we'll cut off reinforcements and retreat of any kind
Bearing principles of cruelty and Dark magic in mind.
And if all the ploys we pick to really
Work to bring to pass occur
We won't just have a victory
We'll have ourselves a massacre!"

Voldemort dragged out "massacre", and then kicked his leg in the air with another random interjection: "Ska-doo!"

Snape stood up with a deadpan, "Ha-cha!" and some jazz hands, then he immediately sat back down. Pleased with the effect, Voldemort continued.

"And then, and then
And Death Eaters, and then...."

Malfoy, determined to be heard, got up and sang:

"And then the men go marching out into the fray,
Vanquishing the Muggle-borns and carrying the day!
Hark! The blood is spewing from their ears
Jubilations! We can hear the grateful pureblood's—"

"DRACO! I SHALL NOT BE UNCHARACTERISTICALLY LENIENT AND CAUTION YOU AGAIN!" Voldemort screamed. Then, without missing a beat:

"In conclusion, Death Eaters,
Now listen to me closely I'll endeavor to explain
What separates a charlatan from a Voldemort
A rule confessed by Dark wizards illustrious and myriad
Though serpentine as a Salazar or great-minded as a Grindelwald
A simple rule that every good man knows by heart
It's smarter to be lucky than it's lucky to be smart!"

The Death Eaters nodded their approval. They always went along with what Voldemort said, even if it was ridiculous and had most of its basis in 1970's showtunes.

Voldemort was gearing up for the grand finale:

"And if the fates feel frivolous
And all our plans they smother
Well, suppose this war does shrivel us
There'll always be another!"

The Death Eaters roared like a bunch of happy pirates in response.

"And then....
And then....
And Death Eaters,

AND THEN!!"

In the pause, the Death Eaters got to their feet, rolling up their left sleeves and holding their wands aloft.

"Now... everyone... now!" Voldemort directed.

The Death Eaters merrily tap-danced to the refrain Malfoy had been singing all along, singing it in a round:

"And then the men go marching out into the fray,
Vanquishing the Muggle-borns and carrying the day!
Hark! The blood is spewing from their ears
Jubilations! We can hear the grateful pureblood's—"

They sashayed back to their seats, kicking their left legs high in the air on the last note.

"…cheers!"

Voldemort applauded. "Great job, guys! Now join me in the dining salon for elf-made wine and piles of assorted pastries! But little Malfoy can't come—punishment for unruly war meeting behavior!" he declared. The Death Eaters, screaming like heathens, stormed to the dining salon for high-calorie desserts. Voldemort Apparated out and shut off the lights, leaving Malfoy locked in the dark auditorium.

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There you have it! Go on YouTube and look up "war is a science pippin"—it's a really funny number. It's a pain in the neck to stage—having been in the show, I have firsthand experience!—but a lot of fun and well worth it.

Review, or Voldemort shall lock you in the auditorium at Malfoy Manor! =]

~Mirei