The Scrapbook

A/N: Gift fiction for D R A G O N L I L I E S.

Warning: Nonsense. Silliness. Crack pairings. Possible OOC-ness.

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach-yo.

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"Click! Whirrr-"

"Oi-" Hitsugaya briefly looked up from his report and was blinded by a rather - in his opinion - obnoxious flash of light. He gazed at his grinning adjutant warily, eying the camera in her hand. "Matsumoto, what are you up to-?"

Matsumoto paced around the office all the while snapping more photos and smiling offhandedly at her impatient superior. "Oh you know...This and that."

After a few decades with this woman, Hitsugaya was well-versed in her antics. "I see. Well either you help me with the paperwork-" He pointed to a rather daunting pile of papers in his 'in' box. "-Or you spit out what you have to say and leave me be."

"Aw Captain...You're no fun at all." Flaunting over to the diminutive leader of the Tenth, Matsumoto leaned into the desk and smiled mischievously, "Well you see, I'm scrapbooking."

He observed her carefully before giving a belated answer, "You're actually excited about this."

"Of course! It's my new hobby." She brushed back her long hair and waved the camera. "After all, every picture has a story behind it."

"...Right."

She pouted. "You know what Captain? I think I have to convince you."

"No, that's fine. I don't need-"

But his Vice Captain wasn't listening as she rummaged through her desk drawers. "Now where is it...?"

Hitsugaya sighed, deciding it was too late to dissuade her. Instead, he asked, "What exactly are you looking for?"

"A-HA!" She pulled out an outrageously purple notebook that had an orange cat on the cover. "My scrapbook!"

"Your scrapbook..."

"Of course. How else am I supposed to convince you of this ingenious art without real examples?"

The Captain could already feel an impending headache. "Carry on."

She squealed gleefully and flipped to the first page, presenting the picture and caption with flourish.

He looked at the caption first. 'Photoshop'd Love'. In the picture, it depicted Renji, Hisagi, Kira, and Ikkaku red-faced and drunk. It was obvious from his point of view that they had a sake party of sorts. Smack dab in the middle of the mess was a photoshopped Ichigo Kurosaki, complete with drool and pyjamas as he slept on the low table. Circling his head was a ring of dancing Chappy rabbits.

Hitsugaya's eyebrows shot upwards. "...What...?"

"Rukia-chan helped me with this." Matsumoto cooed. "Isn't it cute?"

Cute? Not so much if you consider the drunk sweaty guys in the background. Hitsugaya was hard-pressed in restraining a smirk. Were those carrot-printed pyjamas Kurosaki had on?

Matsumoto gauged his amusement positively. "Let's go to the next picture!"

She flipped to a image with the title, 'Underground Love'. The photo had Captain Komamura and Isane whispering to each other in a dim corner of a restaurant.

His Vice Captain spoke seriously, "I've been watching them very closely, Captain, and it's safe to say that there's an underground love going on between Captain Komamura and Isane-chan."

"...What?"

"Ah, that was my initial reaction too. Sometimes I suspect that Nemu is in on this too. You know, like a threesome."

"..." His ears burned.

"Or even a kinky foursome! I've sometimes seen Yumichika join them for extended periods of time in an isolated training room-"

"Matsu-"

"That's right, sir. A foursome for that new hair product Spritzy Hair Shine Shampoo!" Matsumoto pouted, twirling a loose strand of hair self-consciously. "They didn't even invite me to their make-over party too. A make-over party, Captain!"

Komamura at a make-over party...? Hitsugaya sighed and decided not to ask. Instead he distracted her by prompting, "How about the next picture then?"

"The next picture...?" She took a moment to glance at the next page and a grin leisurely appeared. "I'm sure you'd like this one."

His eyes scanned the photo with the caption, 'Thievery Love'. Angled from a kitchen window, it showed a suspicious Ukitake with a hand in a cookie jar, eyes darting around cautiously.

"Mou, isn't this cute?"

"You think everything is 'cute'."

"But sir, Captain Ukitake is stealing from his own kitchen to indulge his sweet tooth!" Matsumoto picked up a writing brush off of his desk and twirled it between her fingers. "I mean...Add a pair of ears and a few whiskers..."

He stared at her sternly. "Matsumoto."'

"Kidding. Just kidding!" The Vice Captain flipped to the next page eagerly. "How about this one? Look at this one!"

'Food Love' he read. In this picture, Captain Kurotsuchi had a biscuit in one hand while he was shovelling a sweet bread roll down his mouth.

"He's eating." Hitsugaya could not see anything spectacular about the Head Scientist eating.

"Exactly!"

"Exactly?"

"It's proof that Captain Kurotsuchi eats."

Hyourinmaru's master gazed at her in disbelief. "...What kind of gossip have you been listening to, Matsumoto?"

"Oh Captain, you know me so well," teased his Vice Captain.

"...Well?"

Matsumoto leaned forward conspiratorially hands waving. "There's been this rumour going around that he filter feeds. Some even go as far as saying that he practices photosynthesis but in my opinion, he's a bit too pale for that. He should think about visiting a tanning salon more often..."

"I...see." Clearly, the shinigami need more work or tasks if they had enough time to conjure up farfetched stories. Hitsugaya stared at the photo in front of him, before remarking dryly, "Is Kurotsuchi crying?"

"Really?! Where?" Matsumoto took the book in both hands and stared at the picture closely.

He gleefully cackled inwardly while schooling his features to show indifference. "He's crying on the inside."

His Vice Captain paused and pouted, "You're teasing me!" But at his expectant look, Matsumoto conceded, "Alright, so maybe that rumour is a bit crazy...But well. It's Twelfth Division!"

She believed that Twelfth Division was a cause of a lot of problems. And to his displeasure, he found he couldn't refute the logic.

At his subsequent sigh, Matsumoto showed him the next photo. His eyes glanced over the words of the caption, 'The Bar Fight Love', and was surprised by the picture below it. The snapshot featured Captains Kyouraku and Zaraki, both looking drunk and quite angry. An exasperated Nanao Ise was in the background, cradling her head in her hands while Kaien Shiba was manhandled by the two larger Captains - one arm held by each in a fierce tug-of-war.

"Is that Vice Captain Shiba?" He pointed to the pained features of the man who was nearly ripped apart by the two Captains.

"Yes." Matsumoto smiled rather fondly, "This is such a special moment caught on film."

"Ah." He analyzed the way the Captains were glaring at each other. "What was happening when this picture was taken?"

"The participants were especially vague and weren't willing to tell me," frowned the woman crossly as if she was slighted. "But ah, I think we can realize it ourselves, neh? It's kind of obvious..." She chuckled gaily, "It looks like the two Captains and Shiba-san were fighting over Nanao-chan!"

"...Really." To him it looked like the Captains were fighting and Shiba got caught in the crossfire.

"Yes...But you know what? I think there's even more to that. I think that in reality, old man Kyouraku and Zaraki were fighting over Nanao-chan and Shiba-san." She smiled brilliantly. "Imagine both of them were sweet on Nanao-chan and Shiba-san and when they figured out each other's intentions, they wanted to force our innocent Vice Captains to choose. And then one thing led to another..."

One thing certainly did lead to another for he could feel his brain wilting in the face of the cheesy romance drivel. Adding his two cents even though he knew he shouldn't defile a dead man's name, he asked, "...I thought Shiba was married?"

"Hmm...You know how those pretty boys are...They swing both ways." The Vice Captain muttered to herself quietly, "Though I really thought Kyouraku was as straight as a-"

Hitsugaya rolled his eyes heavenwards. "Perhaps you shouldn't be so focused on their sexuality and instead focus on your own work more often, Matsumoto," intervened Hitsugaya smoothly. He then took the purple notebook and flipped to the next photo. Under the caption 'Love for Crafts', he could feel his mouth drop open as he stared at the picture of Zaraki and Hisagi diligently knitting pink sweaters.

Spotting his surprise, she inched forward to look down at the picture. "Oh hey! I nearly forgot about this one. So cute!"

He found his voice belatedly. "Matsumoto. There is nothing cute about two grown warriors knitting pink sweaters." There is nothing cute about Kenpachi Zaraki knitting pink sweaters. Period.

Matsumoto turned the pages of the scrapbook quickly before stopping to a specific snapshot. "How about this one? This one is definitely cute!"

Hitsugaya glanced at the picture. The 'Out of His League Couple' image had Orihime Inoue posing in front of a water fountain with a blushing, horrified Uryuu Ishida beside her. Hitsugaya thought the caption choice matched this photo well.

Matsumoto 'tsked' sadly. "Poor Ishida-kun."

"Ah."

"Look at that yearning on his face."

"Yearning?" He looked at the photo sceptically. "He looks frightened."

"Frightened?" She laughed when she understood who he was implying. "No, not Uryuu, Captain!"

"What? Who are you talking about then?" Hitsugaya scanned the picture once more but could see no one else in the photo.

"Just look!" Matsumoto pointed to a small grey blur in the background . "Look at his yearning expression."

"...It's a grey blob." He squinted his eyes to better focus on the faint blotch. "It could even be a fingerprint smudge."

The Vice Captain made a scandalized noise. "No no. That's Ryuuken Ishida!"

He decided to play along. "...You mean Uryuu Ishida's father, don't you?"

She pursed her lips together and nodded resolutely. "That's right. Really, he's just too old for sweet Orihime-chan."

Hitsugaya rubbed his forehead tiredly. "...You're impossible."

"No, this is impossible."

Matsumoto stuck the notebook underneath his nose, forcing him to look at the image titled 'Young Love Couple'. The picture consisted of Soifon in the midst of throwing a sake dish at Byakuya's head.

He gazed at the snapshot of the normally collected female Captain before stating, "Explain."

A gleeful grin. "Captain Kuchiki may or may not have received a box of chocolates from Yoruichi and he may or may not have cold-heartedly trashed them and Soifon may or may not have been drinking away her woes and decided to vent on Captain Kuchiki..."

By the devious smile, Hitsugaya knew what had happened. He accused, "You set them up."

"Maybe..." Matsumoto grinned sheepishly. "Captain~ You won't tell them right?"

A warning glance. "Maybe....Maybe not if you-"

"Thanks sir you're the best! And look at this Captain," Matsumoto presented eagerly, "This is my rarest and possibly best photo."

He exhaled loudly, somewhat amused by her feeble attempts to change subjects but nonetheless obliged gracefully. Reading the caption title 'Fish Love', he was looking at a picture of Byakuya bent over his fish pond feeding the moon koi.

"Isn't it beautiful?" she breathed.

Hitsugaya wasn't sure if he should throw his hands up in surrender or try and puzzle through Matsumoto's logic. He responded deprecatingly, "He's feeding his pet fish."

He could feel the incoming migraine.

"Don't say it like it's an ordinary occurrence!" Matsumoto crossed her arms impressively. "I know you aren't a part of the Shinigami Women's Society so I can't blame you if you aren't aware of just how valuable this photo is." She simpered as she smoothed the notebook lovingly. "I mean...To have such a clear photo of our esteemed Sixth Division Captain in his natural habitat is rare, but to have him also passionately feed his fish - wow! This photo will cost a lot in terms of favours if someone wanted a copy."

Speaking like he's a rare animal or something...He rubbed his eyes tiredly. "So you've been spying on the whole of Gotei 13."

"Spying is such a devious word, Captain!"

And then a thought occurred. "Wait a second...Were you the one who took that picture, Matsumoto?"

"...Maybe."

"Scrapbooking." He groaned inwardly. "Don't tell me you came to the office today just to take pictures of the Tenth Division."

She indiscreetly fumbled with her camera and hid it behind her back hastily. "Of course not!"

"Matsumoto..."

"Don't worry Captain, I won't say anything bad about you." She winked at him and began to edge away.

"Don't you dare-Hand over the camera-!"

"Sorry sir, no can do-" She used shunpo to escape.

Rubbing his forehead in aggravation, he knew he was in for a serious headache later on, but for now, he tried to return to his report...

...Only to find it missing.

"Matsumoto!"

A pink sticky note was in its place with the following message:

Sorry Captain~ But I need the report as evidence...Besides you work too much. :P

(A month later, he would find piles upon piles of shounen manga on his desk courtesy from the readers of the Shinigami Women's Society Digest. Apparently in a fit of inspiration, Matsumoto made a snapshot for him entitled 'The Shunning of His One True Love', which featured himself ignoring the piles of paperwork and instead reading a shounen manga that was 'photoshopped' into the picture.

...He could only console himself that it wasn't a shouju manga...Maybe, just maybe, his reputation wasn't entirely shot.)

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End

~Phoenyxx