Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 5
EPISODE 7
Airdate: October 16, 2016
"The Tussauds-Seattle Experience"
Special Guest Stars: Frank Gehry as Himself, Rodger Bumpass as Sebastian Q. LeBlanc, Alexandra Nechita as Herself
#TYH507
SCENE 1
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Art Class
Seattle, Washington
The kids are all in the middle of creating paintings. RK is splattering every color at his disposal on the canvas.
JAYLYNN: RK, come on! You're getting paint on me.
RK: Dude, you're wearing a smock. It's like getting upset at a guy for shooting you when you have on a bulletproof vest. Besides, I have to concentrate. I'm in the middle of an absolute masterpiece.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, right. What could you possibly be working on that's masterpiece-worthy?
RK: It's an abstract. You know what abstract is, right, Jaylynn? An abstract? Open to interpretation?
JAYLYNN: You jackass, I know what it is. So what's your painting supposed to be?
RK: I'm not sure yet. It's either supposed to represent how our modern society would be looked down upon by future generations with different priorities, or a homeless guy getting pushed into the street by the owner of a Quiznos.
SPARKY: Wade, what are you making? It looks beautiful.
WADE: Thank you Sparky. I'm recreating the cover art for The Low End Theory. It's one of my favorite albums. What about you?
SPARKY: I want to make something nice for Halley. You know, something that will always remind me of her so no matter what, my love for her will always be a part of my art.
WADE: Now that's what I call beautiful. You could always draw her in the realistic form.
SPARKY: Eh, I could. But I never thought of myself as much as an artist.
BUSTER: Sparky, you're thinking about it too hard. Just picture what you want to draw and it will come to you. That's what I'm doing.
SPARKY: What are you making?
BUSTER: I'm doing a Smokey the Bear painting! I'm taking a bite out of art!
Beat.
BUSTER: You know, because Smokey the Bear taught kids to take a bite out of crime?
WADE: Buster, that wasn't his catchphrase. You're thinking of McGruff the Crime Dog.
BUSTER: Oh. So what was Smokey's catchphrase?
SPARKY: Only you can prevent forest fires.
BUSTER: I thought that was Tony the Tiger's catchphrase!
WADE: Tony the Tiger was a cereal mascot.
BUSTER: Really? Ah, shit. If I don't get my cartoon characters straight, I'm never going to make it in the real world.
MRS. SMITH: Alright, class. That's enough painting for today. I have a big announcement to share with you all.
Sparky proceeds to look at the camera.
SPARKY: That's Mrs. Smith, our art teacher. She's very into creative things and thinking outside the box. Maybe that's why she became an art teacher.
WADE: Sparky, who are you talking to?
SPARKY: Oh, no one in particular, Wade, just, um...talking to Jaylynn, probably.
JAYLYNN: You weren't talking to me.
SPARKY: You know what? Mrs. Smith has something important to say, let's cut the chitchat.
MRS. SMITH: I spoke to Principal MacGregor and he approved my idea for a Madame Tussauds wax museum contest! It's actually happening!
BUSTER: Mrs. Smith, what's Madame Tussauds and how do I get excited about it?
MRS. SMITH: Well, Madame Tussauds is a world famous wax museum in London known for replicating the likenesses of several different famous people in wax. It was originally founded by Marie Tussaud many generations ago.
SPARKY: So what's the contest?
MRS. SMITH: Well, all the art classes in this school are going to take part in this contest. I want you guys to enter as wax sculptures.
JAYLYNN: I have to be covered in hot wax?
RK: No, that's not what she means.
JAYLYNN: So what does she mean?
RK: You have to wait for her to explain it, you maroon.
JAYLYNN: Oh!
RK: OH!
WADE: You guys have a weird friendship.
MRS. SMITH: You guys aren't actually going to be covered in hot wax, I hope that's clear. You're going to imitate the famous person of your choice and pose like an actual art sculpture for the contest. In fact, to make it less intimidating, I'm going to allow you guys to partner up if you so choose.
BUSTER: Okay. I call dibs on Sparky. If anyone has a problem with that, get in the back of the line.
Beat.
BUSTER: Oh, so no one has a problem with that? Just checking, just checking.
SCENE 2
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The kids are leaving Mrs. Smith's classroom.
SPARKY: This contest sounds pretty fun.
RK: Really? Sounds stupid to me.
JAYLYNN: You think everything we do in school sounds stupid.
RK: Well, Jaylynn, it's important to be consistent. You guys expect this kind of attitude from me, so I have to deliver.
BUSTER: What did Mrs. Smith say the prize is? I was getting paint out of my ears, I wasn't paying attention.
SPARKY: I'm pretty sure it was a story in The Seattle Times. I don't know about you guys, but Buster and I are taking this home.
WADE: Oh, don't be so sure of yourself, Sparks. I'm entering too.
JAYLYNN: So am I!
BUSTER: You...you don't get to call him by his pet names.
RK: Well, guys, I hope you all have fun and take home the prize. I'm going to see what the lunch lady has hidden in today's gelatin.
WADE: Or you can help me brainstorm who we're going to be for the contest.
RK: Wade, this is a contest, which means you can enter if you want. And since I do not want, I do not enter.
WADE: I wish you told me that before I put our names down on the sign-up sheet.
RK: You son of a bitch, you won't let me sit this one out? I'm ten years old, Wade. I'm not as young as I used to be, at some point, I have to slow down.
WADE: Shut up. Look, RK, this is going to be good for the both of us. We're partners and I take school as seriously as the best of them which means we're guaranteed first prize.
RK: I still don't know.
WADE: Well, when you look at it this way, it's almost like that Simpsons episode.
RK: What Simpsons episode?
WADE: You know, the one where Homer teams up with Mr. Burns on the mountain and he knows that he's going to win since he's partners with the boss? Just a thought, you know.
RK: Oh no, you're right. Well, since television controls my life, Wade, I have to see things your way. But if we're going to compete in this, I'm going to spew out so much creativity. We're going to be cool famous people, not drug-addicted, confused, annoying famous people.
WADE: That sounds great. Meet me at my place today for some brainstorming.
RK: Sure thing.
RK leaves the guys.
SPARKY: Wade, do you really think RK's going to pull his weight here?
WADE: Of course I do. RK can do whatever he wants when he's motivated. This contest is going to be a slam dunk.
SPARKY: We'll see about that since Buster and I will mop the floor with you two without even trying.
WADE: I'd love to see it.
JAYLYNN: Wait, who's going to be my partner?
BUSTER: I don't know. KG?
Jaylynn gives Buster an annoyed expression.
SCENE 3
The Saleh Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Anja is doing her homework when she hears a knock at the door.
ANJA: Hang on.
Anja walks to the door and opens it up to reveal Jaylynn.
ANJA: Jaylynn, hey. It's safe to come in. Lynne's not here.
JAYLYNN: Oh, I really don't give a shit about her either way. But thanks for looking out. I was actually here to ask you a favor. If you have time on your hands, could you help me with a school project?
ANJA: Well, you know I would, but I would have to know the project first.
JAYLYNN: Oh, it's nothing. You know, just pretending to be a celebrity for this fake Madame Tuscon wax museum thing.
ANJA: Madame Tussauds?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, that. We have to act like wax sculptures for the contest at school and I want to know if you can be a sculpture with me.
ANJA: That actually sounds pretty cool. Wait, is it during school hours?
JAYLYNN: Definitely. Trust me, nobody would go to this if it was after school.
ANJA: Jaylynn, I'm sorry, but I can't help you.
JAYLYNN: What? Why not? You didn't have a problem less than ten seconds ago!
ANJA: Yeah, but that was before I found out it was on a school day. I can't miss my classes.
JAYLYNN: Anja, people are absent from school all the time. Showing up every day is not as special as teachers make you think. Just say you came down with a flesh-eating bacteria or something.
ANJA: That's not happening.
JAYLYNN: Your car was taken by the repo men because you couldn't make your payments. Now you're living on welfare checks and eating cold sandwiches with the rats in your basement.
ANJA: I don't have any rats!
JAYLYNN: Then get some, I can't be the only one thinking about this here.
ANJA: Jaylynn, I really wish I could help, but I just don't see it working out.
JAYLYNN: You know what? Forget I even asked. I knew you were just going to be an Anja about this.
Jaylynn walks away from Anja and slams the door.
ANJA: What the freak does it mean to be an Anja?
SCENE 4
The MacDougal Household
Exterior Front Yard
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and Buster pull up in front of the house and exit Sparky's car.
SPARKY: Did you really have to put away five pink lemonades at Ike's?
BUSTER: Of course, man. I have a reputation. I can't be slacking off. So what are we going to do for the contest?
SPARKY: I don't know. I mean, there are tons of famous people out there, we have...wait, who the hell is that at my door?
BUSTER: A Jehovah's Witness?
SPARKY: You think? I don't know. They usually leave you alone once they know you're not coming to the door.
BUSTER: Only one way to find out.
Frank Gehry rings the doorbell.
FRANK GEHRY: Hello, is anyone home?
SPARKY: Pardon me, sir, I happen to live in this house. If you're a Jehovah's Witness, I appreciate the offer, but I'm not interested in door-to-door services.
FRANK GEHRY: Oh, I'm sorry, little boy. I'm not a Jehovah's Witness actually. I just wanted to know if I could use your phone.
BUSTER: Dude, this guy is like, five seconds away from doing something to you.
SPARKY: Why do you need my phone?
FRANK GEHRY: My car broke down on your street and this just so happens to be the first house I tried. I'm just trying to find some roadside assistance.
SPARKY: Okay, what do you have to do with Cimorelli?
FRANK GEHRY: Cimorelli? I don't know what that is.
BUSTER: Sparky, I don't think it's the same thing as your dream.
SPARKY: I'm pretty sure it is. Who are you anyway, sir?
FRANK GEHRY: My name is Frank Gehry, pleased to meet you.
Beat.
BUSTER: Are you a real estate agent or something?
SCENE 5
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Frank Gehry hands Sparky his cell phone back.
FRANK GEHRY: Thanks a lot, Sparky.
SPARKY: You're welcome. So is your car going to get fixed any time soon?
FRANK GEHRY: Yes, of course. Some nice people are going to come by and take care of it so I can get to my hotel.
BUSTER: Dude, why is this guy still here?
SPARKY: Don't be rude, Buster. The car fixer people have to know where to find Frank. I don't know why that name sounds so familiar.
BUSTER: I'm telling you, I think he works for the company that got me to buy my condo.
SPARKY: Frank, do I know you from somewhere?
FRANK GEHRY: Possibly. You might know about my design of the Guggenheim Museum in Bilbao, Spain. That's what most people know me for.
SPARKY: Wait a minute. That's who you are! Frank Gehry, the architect! We learned about you in school.
BUSTER: You're an architect? Are you familiar with Seth Rollins?
FRANK GEHRY: Eh, I ran into him a couple times. He's got a big mouth.
BUSTER: Wow. I just gained a whole new appreciation for you, glasses architect guy.
FRANK GEHRY: Thank you, but you can call me Frank.
BUSTER: What about Frankie?
FRANK GEHRY: Only close friends are allowed to call me that. So what are you kids up to? Are you in school?
BUSTER: Yeah. It's fall, these things are expected.
SPARKY: Yes, we are. Mr. Gehry, since you're an artist yourself, we wanted your thoughts on something. We're doing a replica of the Madame Tussauds wax museum at school, and we have to pose as famous people but we don't know who to choose.
FRANK GEHRY: Well, Sparky, a hint of advice. Most people just refer to Madame Tussauds as Madame Tussauds, and nothing else. It's almost like the wax museum concept is implied.
SPARKY: Yeaaaah. Right. So anyway, who do we pose as? It's a contest and Buster and I really think we have a shot.
FRANK GEHRY: There are many people you can go as, boys. Antoni Gaudi, Michelangelo, Louis Henri Sullivan. All of them were instrumental in the field of architecture.
BUSTER: Um...do you know anybody else besides architects?
FRANK GEHRY: Of course I do, but there's nothing wrong with a little recommendation.
SCENE 6
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK: Wade, forget everything you thought about for this project because we're taking it to another level.
WADE: It's kinda weird that that ends up being the first thing you say after you walked in.
RK: Yeah, I'm trying to save time, but I make sense with these things that I am saying right now. Look, most kids are probably going to be replicas of scientists and Rhodes scholars and...lightbulb inventors, I dunno. We need something creative. Something that other kids aren't going to do.
WADE: Okay, like what?
RK: Who's your favorite athlete?
WADE: Is that related to what we're talking about or a random question?
RK: Time, Wade. Time.
WADE: I guess if I had to pick one, I'd go with Tom Brady.
RK: Ewww. But I can live with that. You just gave me a genius idea. You can be Tom Brady, and I'll be Rob Gronkowski.
WADE: You really want us to be athletes for this, much less Brady and Gronk? Besides, you're not even a Patriots fan.
RK: Yeah, but I want consistency. I mean, when everyone sees how cool we are with our matching football uniforms, we're a shoo-in for first prize.
WADE: Well, this is definitely a bold idea. If done right, we can impress everybody at the contest. I think we should go with it.
RK: Really? We...we're really doing this?
WADE: I don't see why not. Besides, deciding now just saves time.
RK: I like your style, Wade. I'm telling you, we're going to kill this. Not...literally, more in a metaphorical sense because I'm comparing what we're doing to murder.
WADE: I UNDERSTOOD WHAT YOU MEANT.
RK: Great, I didn't want anything to get lost in translation.
SCENE 7
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn walks out of her class whistling the theme song for Power when she sees Halley talking to Ashley. She then sighs.
JAYLYNN: If that's what it takes.
Jaylynn walks over to the girls.
HALLEY: So I told Sparky that if the guy's going to disrespect you like that, you shouldn't be ordering from that place anymore.
ASHLEY: And what did he say?
HALLEY: Eh, he said it's nothing. I don't think he cares enough to stop eating there.
JAYLYNN: Could I get some love, please?
HALLEY: Hey Jaylynn.
ASHLEY: What's up? Are we still having our meeting today?
JAYLYNN: Of course. Let Gilcania know, I feel like I haven't seen her in weeks.
ASHLEY: I know. It's almost like she doesn't want to hang out with us anymore.
JAYLYNN: Exactly. I mean, us Hispanics have to stick together.
HALLEY: You're Hispanic? Since when?
JAYLYNN: Since I was born in the D.R., ya dumb bunny. By the way, could I talk to you in private?
HALLEY: Why?
JAYLYNN: It will only take a minute. Just a minute, Ash.
ASHLEY: Take your time.
Jaylynn pulls Halley aside.
JAYLYNN: Okay, so I need to talk to you about something important.
HALLEY: I don't wanna talk to you. You just called me a dumb bunny!
JAYLYNN: Relax, I call everyone a dumb bunny. It's harmless.
HALLEY: When do you actually call people that?
JAYLYNN: I'm trying to work it in. So look, do you know about the Madame Tussauds wax museum thing going on here?
HALLEY: Yeah, of course I do. I have Mrs. Smith's class too.
JAYLYNN: Great. I think it's in our best interest if we partner up.
HALLEY: You asked Anja to be your partner, she found out it was during school hours, and she said no, didn't she?
JAYLYNN: How were you able to figure that out?
HALLEY: It's really easy to read you sometimes, Jaylynn. So you want us to team up?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, that's what I just said. I think we could work pretty well together. Are you down with that?
HALLEY: Sure, why not? I mean, no one's asked me yet and I wasn't even going to enter until now.
JAYLYNN: Well, trust me, we're going to make a statement here. The boys think they have everything figured out but they're not going to see us coming.
HALLEY: Eh, I just want to do well. But seriously, you're Hispanic?
JAYLYNN: Where have you been, man? We've had this conversation before. But if it makes you feel any better, I'm only half-Hispanic. The white side comes from my f***ing sociopath dad.
HALLEY: Damn.
JAYLYNN: Yup.
SCENE 8
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and Buster are watching TV that afternoon.
BUSTER: What channel is this? It's just a bunch of women screaming.
SPARKY: CBS, I'm thinking. But on another note, did you hear what RK and Wade are going as for the contest?
BUSTER: Yeah. They're going to be freaking football players. It's no fair. They're going to have the cool project and win without even trying.
SPARKY: Oh, please. They might have flash, but we have substance. If we really put our heads together, we're going to be the team to beat.
FRANK GEHRY: That's a great mindset to have, boys.
Frank is shown closing the front door of the house.
SPARKY: Frank, what are you doing here?
FRANK GEHRY: I wanted to lend my expertise to you guys and help you win that contest for sure. A great finished piece needs to have a great vision.
BUSTER: Frank, no offense, but we really don't need any help. We're just fine on our own.
SPARKY: What the hell do you think you're doing? One of the greatest architects of all-time is offering help and you're just going to deny it?
BUSTER: Of course I am. Don't you think this is inappropriate? An old man befriends children, only to take advantage of them? It happens every day.
SPARKY: Frank isn't going to do that. He's an artist, not the Subway guy. You know, Frank, we would really appreciate that help. We're still struggling here.
FRANK GEHRY: Struggling's good. Who says that creativity has to be easy? What you two should do is think about who you admire the most when it comes to famous people.
BUSTER: Great, I'm drawing a blank here. Ooh, Janet Jackson!
FRANK GEHRY: Let's stick to male celebrities, Buster.
BUSTER: Okay, if you want it your way. You know, I've always been a huge One Direction fan.
FRANK GEHRY: Isn't he that guy who left the boy band or something?
BUSTER: You...you, I don't...One Direction is the, you know what? I'm taking a juice break. I can't handle this shit.
Buster leaves to go to the kitchen.
SPARKY: He's, um, pretty touchy about One Direction.
BUSTER: I CAN'T HANDLE IT!
SCENE 9
The Vidal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Halley is writing in her notebook when she notices Jaylynn staring at her.
HALLEY: Jaylynn, what are you doing?
JAYLYNN: Looking at you intensely.
HALLEY: Why?
JAYLYNN: Because I'm bored. I thought we were going to decide what to do for the contest at my place. Being in here is so, so...
HALLEY: I have the right to kick you out, you know.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, but you're not gonna do that, because you love me.
HALLEY: I've...never loved you.
JAYLYNN: Come on, you know you can't do anything to hurt me.
HALLEY: Physically, I'll probably do something.
JAYLYNN: Okay, so are you done scribbling in your book? We have to think of something!
HALLEY: Dude, I'm writing down potential names right now. Personally, I think it will be cool if we're Aly & AJ.
JAYLYNN: Aly & AJ? Halley, nobody's heard of those chicks in ten years. We're going to need someone a little more...modern.
HALLEY: The Williams sisters?
JAYLYNN: Neither of us are black. And if you're even thinking of wearing blackface, well, you're just not as mature as I thought you were.
HALLEY: You know what? I don't even know why I wrote that down. I mean, clearly, somebody's going to get offended by this.
JAYLYNN: We're really not going anywhere with these plans.
HALLEY: Well, why don't you try coming up with an idea?
JAYLYNN: Um, we could be Heart.
HALLEY: Who?
JAYLYNN: Heart. You know, one of the greatest rock bands of all-time? Proved females could be successful in rock and roll? Nancy Wilson, Ann Wilson?
Halley simply stares at Jaylynn, forcing her to sigh.
JAYLYNN: Remember those Swiffer commercials they used to play?
HALLEY: Oh yeah, with the "What About Love" song?
JAYLYNN: Yeah. That one. Freaking millenials.
HALLEY: Wait, so let me get this straight. You don't want to be Aly & AJ because you don't think people will remember them.
JAYLYNN: Uh huh, one hundred percent.
HALLEY: But you want to be an old-school rock band that most people our age won't know and won't care about.
JAYLYNN: It's Heart. Who doesn't care about Heart?
HALLEY: I don't, for one. I want to be somebody like Demi Lovato.
JAYLYNN: Listen, if you're not going to...hey, that might work.
HALLEY: What might work? Being Demi Lovato?
JAYLYNN: Yeah. I love her. Great singer, great music, really down to earth, smoking hot body. What more could you want?
HALLEY: Wow, we actually listen to the same music.
JAYLYNN: I listen to a lot of music, I'm still a kid like you. But we need to jump on this now. We're going to have to get our costumes set up, research this girl, the whole ten yards.
HALLEY: It's the whole nine yards.
JAYLYNN: Pffft, like anyone really gives a shit about that.
HALLEY: Wait, are we going to get in trouble for being the same person?
JAYLYNN: I don't think so. I mean, it's not like anyone said that we couldn't be the same person. I'm just going to take that as a yes.
HALLEY: You're so carefree, Jaylynn. You don't think too much, you just do stuff.
JAYLYNN: That's the only way to live, Halley. The only way to live.
Jaylynn takes off her socks and places her feet on Halley's lap.
HALLEY: Yo, what the hell are you doing, man?
JAYLYNN: I'm being carefree. Besides, I like doing this at home so I want to feel like I'm never too far from it.
SCENE 10
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
On the day of the wax museum contest, several kids are shown getting into their classrooms as various famous people, most of them musicians and athletes. Mrs. Smith gives kids the thumbs-up as they enter her class.
MRS. SMITH: Wonderful choices from all of you. This is going to be a great replica of Tussauds!
At that point, an older man taps Mrs. Smith on her shoulder.
MRS. SMITH: Oh, Mr. LeBlanc, you're here.
SEBASTIAN: Mrs. Smith, for you, you can call me Sebastian. Now where's the talent? I like to give out my first impressions before I get to the review.
MRS. SMITH: Of course, but the kids are in hiding right now. The contest starts next period.
SEBASTIAN: Mrs. Smith, you can't mess with the natural order of things like that. For all I know, these kids could have terrible costumes and I don't want to be the Simon Cowell of the judging panel. I mean, I could, and have been on several occasions, but this is elementary school.
MRS. SMITH: Don't think about it too much, Sebastian. Just grab a cup of coffee and find your seat.
SEBASTIAN: If you say so, but I plan to be as thorough as I usually am. For art is not a form of creativity that can be taken for granted, as it consumes the very essence of our soul and regurgitates that soul in the fine works we witness each and every day. Sebastian out.
Sebastian leaves a confused Mrs. Smith scratching her head. The main five are then shown by their lockers, staring each other down.
SPARKY: So, um, you know? It's almost time to change.
RK: Yes. It is almost time to change. Wade and I have a project that's going to kick your ass!
BUSTER: Oh yeah. Well, you're not even going to see our project coming.
SPARKY: Yeah! It's like, the most badass thing you're ever going to see in your life.
RK: Unless it's "Stone Cold" Steve Austin giving a Stunner off the Empire State Building, I doubt that's possible!
JAYLYNN: All four of you are going to get spanked.
BUSTER: Oh yeah? I wanna see that belt before you do anything.
JAYLYNN: I have something none of you do. A really good idea.
SPARKY: You know, I appreciate you using my girlfriend as a pawn in your little scheme.
JAYLYNN: It's not a scheme, Sparky. It's me knowing who I work well with. Especially since somebody couldn't make it today.
RK: Well, whoever it is, they're going to miss Wade and I clobber all of you sons a bitches.
BUSTER: Yeah, they're gonna miss a lot of things. Like us YANKING YOUR GUTS OUT!
SPARKY: A little bit much.
BUSTER: We're going to win.
JAYLYNN: You guys are lame. I'm going to go change into my winning costume.
Jaylynn takes her shopping bag and goes into the bathroom.
RK: There goes Jaylynn popping off at the mouth again. Come on Wade, let's go.
RK and Wade head to the boys bathroom while Buster punches his locker.
BUSTER: Wow. That wasn't nearly as painful as you would think.
SPARKY: Buster, I think we're going to lose.
BUSTER: I know for a fact that we're donezo. No way we're going to impress those judges.
SPARKY: Well, at the very least, we should accept our defeat like men. Whatever RK, Wade, and Jaylynn do, it's going to be way more interesting than us.
SCENE 11
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Bathroom
Seattle, Washington
RK and Wade are arguing near the sink.
RK: Look, I know you're upset, but you could have at least joined in on the trash talk. I'm not a one-man show...unless I wanna be.
WADE: Maybe I chose not to take part because I know we're going to lose.
RK: See, if you believe you're going to lose, you're going to lose. I'm trying to stay positive here. See the difference between our ways of thinking, Wade?
WADE: RK, we have to go out there and deliver a knockout presentation if we're going to have any chance of winning first prize. How are we going to do that without shoulder pads?
RK: I don't know. Just say we left them at home?
Wade sighs and shakes his head as "Let It Roll" plays in the background.
SCENE 12
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Bathroom
Seattle, Washington
WADE: This makes no sense, man. How do we not have shoulder pads?! HOW?!
RK: Okay, easy there. Take a deep breath...and shut up, because you're going to give yourself a headache if you keep talking. Look, if you want to blame someone for this, blame KG. I mean, I was ready to go, dude. I fed Mrs. Tuxedo Pants, I had my car started, ready to go to Modell's but then he said he would just do it for me.
WADE: And then what happened?
RK: I watched some TV for a while and I took my pants off. See, normally, I keep my pants on even when I'm home alone but last night, I just felt like it was right. You know what I mean? That feeling you get when...
WADE: I MEANT, WHAT HAPPENED WITH KG?!
RK: Okay, tone that shit down, please. So anyway, he ran into his friends on the way to Modell's. They started drinking a lot of Sprite, they went to Pizza Hut and just ordered pies all night, drank more Sprite, and by the time KG got back, he forgot what he was supposed to do. Don't worry, I spanked him. It was the right thing to do.
WADE: I can't believe you're just so calm about this.
RK: Well, I didn't want to enter this contest in the first place. In the grand scheme of things, I don't care what happens. And you shouldn't either.
WADE: Yeah, but I really wanted to make a good impression on the judges. Now it just feels like we're missing that one piece to make things whole.
RK: No, we're not.
WADE: What are you talking about?
RK goes into one of the stalls, takes out a bunch of toilet paper, and walks back to Wade.
RK: Could you roll up your sleeve?
WADE: No. No, absolutely not. We are not about to humiliate and degrade ourselves by using toilet paper as shoulder pads!
RK: Do you have any better ideas, Mr. Brady?
Wade sighs.
WADE: No. For the first time that I can remember, I don't. Stuff my shoulders.
RK: Now you're speaking my language. It doesn't matter if we have dead raccoons stuffed up our shoulders, Wade. People are going to love our presentation. You just need to have a little...confidence in yourself. There, now you're ready to go. Now, if you may do the honors for me, and do it fast before somebody walks in here and thinks we're freaks?
SCENE 13
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and Buster look nervous as the contest is about to start.
SPARKY: Dude, I have a really bad feeling about this.
BUSTER: Me too, but I want to hide it. If we give these people the impression that we have high self-esteem, we'll do fine.
SPARKY: I hope so. The worst part is, we got no help from Frank. It's like he was just there to waste our time after the first few trips.
BUSTER: He said the f-word one time. I don't know if you heard it or not, but he swore under his breath and I was right in front of him when he did it.
FRANK GEHRY: You know, guys, I actually am very impressed with your costumes.
BUSTER: Okay, can someone call the cops, please?
SPARKY: Frank, you actually came to the contest?
FRANK GEHRY: Yes. I have to come here if I'm going to fulfill my judging duties.
SPARKY: Judging duties?
BUSTER: Wait a minute. You're one of the judges?!
FRANK GEHRY: Of course I am. I mean, I come to Seattle every now and then, but when I do, it's more in the spring. This is all about business.
SPARKY: You do realize that you came to my house multiple times and you never even hinted at the fact that you're one of the judges, right?
FRANK GEHRY: It must have slipped my mind, I guess.
BUSTER: Could I ask you exactly what's wrong with you?
FRANK GEHRY: Look, I have to go. I'll be pulling for you all the way.
BUSTER: Yeah, we appreciate that. That son of a bitch, he completely tricked us.
SPARKY: But for what reason? What the hell did he have to gain from any of this?
BUSTER: I don't know, man. Old people are crazy.
SCENE 14
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn and Halley have taken their place with the other kids, waiting to be judged. Halley is dressed as Demi Lovato and Jaylynn is Heart's Nancy Wilson.
HALLEY: Um, Jaylynn, I thought we were going to both be Demi Lovato.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, but last night, I changed my mind and felt like it would be better if we were different people. Plus, this Heart idea was too good to pass up. By the way, I found out last night that they actually made a song about one-night stands. I don't know, I'm pretty sure they hate that song now.
HALLEY: Jaylynn, you look absolutely ridiculous.
JAYLYNN: Bitch, you're no better. Trying to imitate Demi's legs when you know you don't have her legs. You're ten years old, who are you trying to impress?
HALLEY: When this is over, I promise you that I will kill you.
JAYLYNN: Hey, sisters are doing it for themselves.
HALLEY: What?
JAYLYNN: Look, I was listening to a lot of 80s songs last night, I just wanted to slip that one in.
ALEXANDRA NECHITA: Hey guys, check this one out. These girls look absolutely adorable.
SEBASTIAN: Alexandra, I'm starting to think you're looking at all of these children as absolutely adorable.
ALEXANDRA NECHITA: I can't help it. Who are you two supposed to be?
HALLEY: Hi, my name is Demetria Devonne Lovato, and I was born on August 20, 1992 in Albuquerque, New Mexico.
JAYLYNN: And my name is Nancy Lamoureaux Wilson, born on March 16, 1954 in San Francisco, California.
HALLEY: We come from different genres, but one thing's for sure...
JAYLYNN AND HALLEY: We're women who are all about the music!
FRANK GEHRY: I'm really interested in how these kids seem to know so many people from before their time.
SEBASTIAN: Well, when you have a fine mind like mine, it's not impossible. From an early age, my parents made sure I knew all about the works of Vivaldi.
ALEXANDRA NECHITA: When I was a kid, I was trying to catch up to Vivaldi.
SEBASTIAN: Nobody likes a show off, Alexandra.
SCENE 15
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
RK and Wade are giving their presentation.
RK: I pretty much do it all as a tight end. In fact, I broke the single-season record for the most touchdowns scored by a tight end.
WADE: We were able to win a Super Bowl together, and who knows what else we can accomplish?
RK: We're the new Joe Montana and Jerry Rice. Except, you know, better than the original.
The scene cuts to Sparky and Buster.
SPARKY: You see, NBC thought that Seinfeld wasn't going to last long. They thought that I, Jerry Seinfeld, wasn't relatable enough to get anywhere. But I got nine seasons so I think I did my job.
BUSTER: When I did The Marshall Mathers LP, it's like, man, I was on top of the world. I broke the record for most albums sold in a week. Growing up in Detroit, I couldn't have pictured this. People said that because I was white, I would never make it in hip hop. Now I have, man, and my legacy, you know, means a whole lot to me, man.
MAN: So what do you two think of each other?
BUSTER: I respect Seinfeld, man. He's cool and everything, he's made me laugh, you know.
SPARKY: You know, I have you in my top five.
BUSTER: You do? Oh, man, I feel so happy right now.
SPARKY: Yeah, it's a short list but you're on it. I can't remember where, maybe Larry would know, but your career is one of a kind.
SCENE 16
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn and Halley are giving their presentation.
HALLEY: I thought I was going to die early. I could barely even look at myself in the mirror because I hated who I was. It took a really long time to get over it, but my struggles will always be a part of me. And I want all the little girls out there to know that there's a second chance for them. They can overcome their struggles if they just believe in themselves.
JAYLYNN: See, me and my sister Ann always wanted to be able to empower females. That's what Heart was about. We wanted people to stand up for themselves and take charge. We just hope that we can be remembered for all the great music we had the pleasure to make.
HALLEY: By the way, Selena Gomez and I, we're still in touch. It's, um, kinda complicated right now. She has a tendency not to pick up the phone so that's a thing.
SCENE 17
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Bathroom
Seattle, Washington
Wade walks into the bathroom and uses the urinal.
WADE: I can't believe this actually worked! Toilet paper for shoulder pads, who would have thought? But RK and I have a real shot at winning!
At the moment Wade flushes the urinal, two fifth graders step into the bathroom and see toilet paper fall out of Wade's sleeve.
WADE: Don't worry about it, guys, I always remember to wash my hands.
KID: It's not that. Did that toilet paper just come out of your arm?
WADE: OH! No, you have me mistaken for some other kid. Someone not as handsome or intelligent.
KID #2: Get him.
The two fifth graders take Wade to the stall and remove the toilet paper from his sleeves.
KID: Ha, this loser's trying to make f***ing shoulder pads!
WADE: What are you going to do? Beat me? What's that going to do?
KID #2: I guess we could add that in to giving him a swirlie.
WADE: Oh God, I'm going to regret being me for the next ten minutes.
SCENE 18
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Sparky, Buster, RK, Jaylynn, and Halley are in a group chatting with each other.
HALLEY: So why did you decide on being Jerry Seinfeld?
SPARKY: I realized that I have a tiny bit of forty-year-old Jewish guy in me so it was a perfect fit.
HALLEY: You know, my dad made me watch every episode when I was younger. You ever saw that one where Jerry had his new jacket and he didn't want it to get ruined?
SPARKY: I don't know, I haven't watched that many episodes. I actually did a lot of research for this part.
HALLEY: Okay, we're not talking about the same thing anymore. I'm sad now.
RK: I'm just saying, both of you look ridiculous.
JAYLYNN: This is what Heart wore in the 1980s!
RK: Well, aren't you special?
BUSTER: All you did was put on a jersey and a helmet! That doesn't make you clever.
RK: When was the last time Eminem wore a wife beater? Like, 2003?
BUSTER: Oh, you're just asking for me to spit in your cereal the first chance I get.
JAYLYNN: Where's Wade? I want to brag to him about how that woman loved us.
SPARKY: I still can't believe that was the real Alexandra Nechita.
BUSTER: That was Alexandra Nechita? No wonder I got nervous when I looked in her eyes and called her an angel.
Wade walks towards the guys without his Patriots jersey, a black eye, and scratches on his face.
WADE: Nobody make a big deal, please. I can't stress that enough.
RK: WADE! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU?! WHO DID THIS?!
WADE: Some fifth graders. They beat me up in the bathroom and were about to give me a swirlie unless I gave up my jersey.
RK: But that jersey actually had Brady's signature on it. You can't lose that! You know what? Excuse me a minute, I have to take care of something.
JAYLYNN: RK, don't do anything crazy. These guys sound serious.
RK: I don't care what they do to me.
RK walks away from the group to find the fifth graders.
SPARKY: I can't believe they did this to you.
WADE: I couldn't believe it either, but that's what happens.
BUSTER: You know, guys, we cared so much about this contest but...maybe this whole thing was supposed to teach us something.
HALLEY: Teach what? That if you're not careful, some assholes are going to jump you for no reason?
BUSTER: A little bit, but it also lets you know that there are more important things than some silly competition.
JAYLYNN: You have a point there. I mean, who cares about winning when your friend was just assaulted? Hold still, Wade, I'm trying to keep your lip from bleeding.
RK comes back with a bloody baseball bat and hands Wade back his jersey.
WADE: RK, how did you...
RK: I just went to the bathroom, found the guys, and said that I'll murder anybody that tries to hurt my best friend. They didn't take me seriously, I started swinging, and they said they'll never touch you again.
SPARKY: Do you know why they beat him up?
RK: It was the toilet paper. They said it made him look like the f-word.
HALLEY: That doesn't even make any sense.
RK: No, the other f-word.
HALLEY: Oh.
RK: Wade, why didn't you tell me that they found out we stuffed our sleeves?
WADE: Well, it was your idea. I didn't want you to be embarrassed because those punks thought we looked stupid.
RK: Dude, I really don't care what other people think about this. We impressed so many people with our project, it's not even funny. And no matter what, I'll go after anybody that does shit like this to you.
WADE: I really appreciate that, RK. And thanks for coming up with the toilet paper idea. If it wasn't for you, I don't think I would have enjoyed entering the contest.
RK: I feel the exact same way.
JAYLYNN: Wait, you guys needed shoulder pads?
WADE: Yeah.
JAYLYNN: Oh. Well, I was wearing them. I only wish I knew ahead of time.
RK: Why the hell would you need shoulder pads?
JAYLYNN: It was a different time back then!
SCENE 19
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
All of the kids are standing together waiting for the final decision.
FRANK GEHRY: Well, boys and girls, we were all very impressed by your entries today.
SEBASTIAN: Indeed. I never knew children could have such raw artistic expression and...untapped genius that reminded me of yours truly.
ALEXANDRA NECHITA: Let's be honest. In a way, every single one of you are winners.
RK: I don't think they're going to wrap this up anytime soon.
WADE: I would rather there be a winner than let them escape with the "we're ALL winners" cop out.
ALEXANDRA NECHITA: At the end of the day, there could only be one group to win this contest.
FRANK GEHRY: And that winning team is the team of Jaylynn Michelle Huie and Halley Vidal for their amazing presentation on women in music!
The guys cheer for Jaylynn and Halley as Jaylynn dances around in celebration and then carries Halley around on her shoulders.
SEBASTIAN: You know, I've judged 94 different art competitions before this one, and none of them have ever been as unique as this one.
ALEXANDRA NECHITA: These kids remind me so much of myself when I was that age. Just so interested in art.
FRANK GEHRY: Alex, everything reminds you of what you did when you were a kid.
ALEXANDRA NECHITA: I love nostalgia, Frank, is that so hard to understand?
SEBASTIAN: A little bit.
Alexandra angrily stares at Sebastian.
SCENE 20
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The kids are all sitting on the couch together.
SPARKY: Well, how excited are you guys? You're going to get your names in the paper! I'm going to be dating someone with their own article!
HALLEY: I know, right? I just wanted to do well and now that we won, I don't know what to say.
Jaylynn hugs Halley.
HALLEY: What was that for?
JAYLYNN: For being there for me when I needed someone. I mean, if it wasn't for you, I probably wouldn't have even entered.
HALLEY: Oh yeah, any time, buddy. We make a really good team.
JAYLYNN: You know what? I think we do too.
BUSTER: Hey Sparky, did you talk to Frank before we left?
SPARKY: Yeah. He said we were either in second or third place and it came down to the wire. He also said that we should see the Sagrada Familia if we ever go to Spain.
BUSTER: Did...did he make that himself?
SPARKY: No, but he recommended it.
WADE: I still can't believe you two were able to rub elbows with the one and only Frank Gehry.
SPARKY: Eh, I still don't know how it happened.
RK: You know what I'm still confused by? How did our school get Alexandra Nechita? I mean, I'm pretty sure she's really hard to find and she just...shows up with no explanation.
WADE: I guess some things are better left unanswered.
RK: I don't know if that answer gives me what I'm looking for.
There is an awkward silence for a few seconds.
BUSTER: I'm starting to think there was nothing to learn from this.
JAYLYNN: I thought you said it was about not getting sucked into competition.
BUSTER: Yeah, but that doesn't still sound right.
RK: I guess the lesson with all of this is...don't trust your brother to pick up shoulder pads.
HALLEY: I'm just going to assume there's no lesson at all.
Fade to black.
("Applause" by Lady Gaga playing in the end credits)
In Loving Memory of Thomas Mikal Ford (1964-2016)
©2016 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS
ROAD TO 100: SIX WEEKS AWAY