Well helloo there,

Long lost penpal here. So I'm returning with this twisted little story that came to my mind after watching the first promo for the season finale. I couldn't help my mind going there. So I decided to just go along and write it. So here it is. Enjoy.

And come back a little later to look at my other stories cause I'm working on updates on all of them!

I hope you'll enjoy reading this fic, please let me know if you do, and let me know if you don't. Feedback is always welcome and always gives a creativity boost!

Good reading,

Crysania

Mike Dodds was in surgery. The events of the day turned out in the worst possible way. The accused prison guard had shot the Sergeant. Exactly on his last day in Special Victims Unit. His tenure started iffy in the unit, but after what they had gone through as a squad and as a family, he became a vital part of the group. It was hard to stomach that he was leaving, but they all knew Dodds was capable of much more than being second in command of the sex police. They all wished the best for him.

And then that bastard shot him. She saw his father sobbing next to his dying son. And suddenly she saw both men in new roles. She never thought about Chief Dodds as loving father, and she never thought about Mike Dodds as someone's beloved son. What would she do if something like that happened to Noah? The tears started flowing and she forced her mind out of that territory.

The cold, bright white walls of the hospital quickly brought her back to her present situation; a shiver ran through her body and her heart started aching. She wished she could have gotten her sergeant out of there somehow. She wished she had checked Munson for drop guns. She wished she had gone alone. But it was too late.

Carisi was quiet. Something that he never really did. Just staring in front of him. As if he lost his capability to speak. Rollins was curled up in a chair next to him, occasionally wiping away the tears escaping her eyes. Fin, he still tried to be everyone's rock. He kept his emotions checked and his expression let nothing away, but Olivia could tell that under the façade, deep inside, he was crumbling too.

And her? She cried her eyes out when no one was watching. She cried for Dodds, for his father, for his mother, whom they couldn't even reach, for his little brother, because if something happens to his big brother who was going to get him out of trouble? She cried for her squad, cause how does a group of people survive if one of them is taken away in such a harsh way? And she cried because she failed to protect her own. She was there, she could have stopped the whole thing. She could have shot the bastard, but no, she had to negotiate. She had to wait. Why? Because that worm's life still mattered? After all what he has done to all of those women? He forfeited his right to life already. So why on earth didn't she bring Dodds out of there?

'Liv,' she felt a hand on her shoulder. And she immediately recognized the touch.

'Ed,' she breathed squeezing his hand lightly.

'How could I help you?' he asked taking the seat next to her. She looked around searching for any movement. Minutes before Chief Dodds was sitting in the exact same chair. She knew, she could feel it in her guts, that if the chief returned and found Captain Tucker sitting there, he would not like that. To put it mildly. She wanted him gone, but she wanted him to be there for her, both at the same time.

'How are your surgical skills?' she asked with a sad smile dancing on her lips. He only hummed in response.

'Let me take you home, you need to sleep a little,'

'Dodds was shot under my watch,' she said in her strictest tone, looking straight into his eyes. Her voice was not angry, but she left him no leverage in persuading her. 'There is no way I'm leaving here without knowing that he's going to be okay,'

Then the doors to the operating theatre flew open, out walked the surgeon taking off his mask and hat.

'Oh my God,' Olivia whispered under her breath. Everyone jumped up in what seemed like milliseconds. The events sped up. Even Chief Dodds appeared from seemingly nowhere.

The doctor uttered the unimaginable words: 'I'm sorry, he didn't make it,'

Somebody shrieked 'no'. Olivia had no idea who it was. Maybe the chief. Or Rollins. But if she thought about it, it could have been her too. The time just as it sped up seconds ago, slowed to impossible pace. It was like an outer body experience. She saw Carisi and Fin grabbing each arm of the Chief in case he passed out, but he didn't. He turned around so Olivia could see his face. Tears were running down his cheeks and his mouth was quivering. He was at loss of words. He seemed like looking somewhere but the focus was completely lost from his eyes.

'Chief, are you okay?' somebody asked and she didn't know who. And she couldn't hear an answer either. Then he looked up, this time really in her eyes.

'My son is dead,' he whispered and his face distorted from the agony that overtook him. It clicked in. He broke down in sobs. So Olivia ignored her own pain and stepped into him, to try and comfort him. She knew it was impossible, but he will definitely need someone to lean on. It might as well be her. She held him until he stopped crying. Then she walked him to the chairs. She wasn't even sure the Chief knew who she was. But she already turned into business mode. Her priority from then on was to help the family mourn in whatever way they needed help.

A couple of hours later she was still sitting next to Chief Dodds in the waiting room. Rollins left a long time ago, she had to get back home to her daughter. Fin returned to the district. Carisi probably stayed around somewhere out of sight. And she lost track of Tucker. Then she saw him. He was still there. Waiting for her. In case she needed anything. So she excused herself for a second from the chief, and she received no answer. He probably couldn't hear, or see, or feel anything and it was completely normal.

'You should come home with me,' he said after embracing her tightly, but he knew her answer already.

'You know that I can't, I can't leave him alone in his state, have you seen him?' she whispered desperately clinging on to him.

'I have, and I can also see you. You're not in better shape, and your son is well and he's waiting for you at home,'

'Ed, please… You have to understand this… His son was shot under my watch… I can't leave him alone, not yet…' she buried her face in Tucker's shoulder mumbling into his neck. He predicted it, he knew it was going to happen, he knew she was going to blame herself for what happened. And she did. And in her mind, sticking around, providing a shoulder to cry on for Chief Dodds, she was making up for her nonexistent mistakes.

'I'm gonna go home, let Lucy go, spend some time with Noah,' he put extra emphasis on her son's name as if he wanted to twist the blade in her heart even further.

'Thank you,' she said tears rolling down her face. 'I'm gonna try to get him to go home, and then I'll be home too,' she outlined her plan, planted a kiss on his lips and went back to the father.

Olivia didn't want to startle the Chief, so she approached him cautiously. 'Chief,' she said putting a hand on his arm. He turned towards her and stared at her hand for a minute.

'Olivia,' he finally looked up at her face. 'You're still here…' he seemed genuinely surprised. The shock was wearing off and he looked around to register his surroundings.

'Chief, you need to try to sleep a little. Can I drive you to your house?' she asked and she started wondering if getting him to his own house was really a good idea. And if she could leave him there alone. But Ed was right, she was excruciatingly tired, and she hoped to dear God that a little sleep would help her cope with the events of the day.

'Yes, thank you. That seems like a good idea…' he answered after a short silence and Olivia could hardly believe that the shell of a human being in front of her was the same savvy man who successfully navigated the maze of police department politics for years. But she didn't say anything. Part of her was happy that she could finally get out of those numbingly white corridors, so she just took his hand and helped him stand up. Not that he needed help, but she felt better holding on to him. That is how people are supposed to help someone who just lost a family member, right?

The drive to the Dodds residence was quiet. Neither of them spoke, she concentrated on the road, and he fixed his gaze on something in the distance. But what could possibly they be talking about? There was nothing to talk about. So she turned on the driveway quietly, and they stayed sitting in the car quietly for a couple of minutes.

'Chief,' she finally decided to move things along, but he was still observing something in the distance. He looked completely oblivious to the fact that the car stopped, and that the car stopped in front of his own house. 'Chief,'

That time he looked at her. 'Olivia, it's William. I'd really appreciate if you'd call me something beside the Chief,' he grumbled and she knew he was getting past the shock. He's going to realize that his son died, and he's going to be angry at the whole wide world. And he's going to question everything, every single second that led up to his son's death, and Olivia hoped to be out of his sight by then.

'Ok, William. We're here,' she said pointing at the entrance.

'Oh, I didn't realize…' he hummed to himself. 'So soon,' the double meaning of his words twisted her heart into a firm little knot. 'Olivia, could you please stay a little longer. I would not like to be alone right now…' he admitted and his brokenness persuaded her. Of course she would stay a little longer. An hour or two doesn't count anymore. That's the least that she could do.

So an hour later Olivia was sitting on the couch with Chief William Dodds, in his house, with a glass of fine bourbon. They didn't talk. They just swirled the alcohol around in the glass occasionally, and wept silently. Then he moved. So she looked at him. And he was looking back at her with teary eyes. She reached out and put a hand on his shoulder.

'I miss him so much,' he admitted in a broken voice, so she scooted closer and brought him into an embrace. When they broke apart, he brought his hand to her face and wiped the tears off her cheeks. Then he let his hand cup her face gently. It wasn't forced, it wasn't aggressive, somehow it even felt nice for Olivia. She smiled a sad smile and put her own hand on top of his. And then he leaned in and kissed her. That wasn't forced either. It was tender and broken hearted and she swore she could hear a cry for help in her mind with the kiss. And she didn't pull away, she didn't push him away. And she should have stood up and leave the second his face was only inches apart from hers, yet she stayed sitting there, anticipating what she knew was coming. Her heart broke for the man. The least she could do was not let him down.

Then he pulled away, letting his forehead rest against hers for a second. And it felt so domestic. And he planted another small kiss on her lips. 'Thank you for staying with me,' he whispered and her tears started falling. As if she could make him feel better about his loss by staying there with him. She ran her hand through his hair. And looked into his eyes. She could see that his world was in shambles, he seemed lost. The mighty Deputy Chief William Dodds was lost. And her heart broke for him. She had no idea how to solve the problem at hand. Can she make him feel better? She might need to sit this one out. Wait until he feels better. Time heals everything, right? She really did hope so.

'You should try to sleep a little, it would be good for you,' she whispered pulling his head onto her shoulder. 'Can I get you something, to eat? To drink? Can I make you a tea?' she kept her hand on the side of his face.

'No, but could you stay a little longer…'

'I'm not going anywhere,' she whispered and put her arms around him. And he snaked his around her waist. And she wasn't even surprised when he kissed her again. He needed something to take his mind off of the events of the day and if a kiss did the trick then she was willing recipient to it. But this time, he deepened the kiss, and his hold around her waist strengthened. She let her hands linger on his shoulder, she wasn't quite sure where to put them. What movement would encourage him or make him stop? And which one did she want? She was already trapped under him in the corner of the couch and the chief's hands started roaming her body. If she wanted out, it was the perfect moment to stop the whole thing. But it made perfect sense. He was hurting. He wanted to feel something else. He wanted to feel someone else rather than his own pain, his own loneliness. He just wanted his brain to stop the war that it was fighting with itself and reality. She could still remember that time of her life. When she would jump the men who were offering themselves, just to take off her mind of more confusing things. So she kept her hand holding on to his shoulder and let him do his thing.

He didn't undress her. He just needed a little access, and he needed it right in that moment. There was no time to beat around the fence. He didn't even pull down her underwear. It was all fast and desperate, and his movements caused a lot of pain. She couldn't even remember the last time sex was so painful for her. Maybe the first time. But that was different. That was love. This time she hoped she was making the chief feel a little better. She couldn't see his face, it was buried in the crook of her neck. His breathing was labored and she could feel his tears on her skin. She knew that the pain he was causing her was nowhere close to the pain he was feeling, even in that moment, when they both should be in the state of bliss.

His movements became erratic and she knew he was going to finish soon. And she was thankful for that. She didn't know how much longer she could have taken the forceful thrusts. How much longer she could have pretend that they were pleasant, and didn't hurt at all. Then his breath hitched and she could feel his semen coating her insides. She didn't feel anything else. Tears rolled down her cheeks, and she snaked her arms around his neck, bringing him as close to her as it was possible. 'I'm so sorry…' she whispered in his ears holding the chief close as he sobbed into her neck, still inside her.

He fell asleep on the couch, laying still partly on Olivia, and she was just staring at the ceiling. She felt awful. Maybe she helped him think of something else for a couple of minutes, but she was going to think about what she has done her entire life. Her mind couldn't stop pulling up images of her and Tucker making love. How sweet it felt, how satisfying it was. And she decided she needed to get home. She should have just dropped of Dodds and leave without coming in. She should have just said she needed to go home to her son after he asked her to stay. But how could she say that to a man who just lost his own son? Especially since it was her fault? Still. She could have just left after he kissed her. Or she should have pushed him away after he tried to kiss her the second time. She really needed to leave. But she didn't want to wake him up. She didn't want to talk about it. She didn't want to talk to him. She didn't know what to say.

So she shimmied out from under him, fixed her clothes. Then she headed for a mirror to check if she was presentable enough to leave the house. Her makeup was smudged, eyes puffy from all the crying, and there was no sign of any color on her cheeks. She was rather pale. The longer she looked at her reflection, the closer and closer she seemed to passing out. She needed to get out.

Olivia took one last look at chief sleeping on the couch and her heart still ached for him. But she really needed to go home. To Ed and Noah. God. How was she going to look Ed in the eye after what she had done? It felt like the day was getting worse and worse for her. Maybe she was getting it because it should have been her in the house and not Mike. But she was close to feeling she would have rather been the one who got shot.

She made a beeline to the car parking outside the house as quickly as she could. The events of the day started wearing her down and she had a feeling that her composure was about to slip. She needed to get home, or at least out of his driveway before that happened. Her phone. She completely forgot that it even existed. She had endless missed calls from Tucker, tons of messages from Tucker from Carisi, from Fin, and from Barba too. She decided to ignore them all. But she did send a text to Ed.

'Be home in 20,'

'I'll wait for you, drive safe' he texted back almost immediately. He must be so mad at her. She spent the whole night out when she should have been home with him and her son. She'd needed to be home with them, but then Dodds lost his son. He couldn't be alone. And suddenly his needs trumped her needs. After all it was her fault that Munson had that gun. Dear God. How was she ever going to look Tucker in the eyes? But then again how was she going to look Chief Dodds in the eyes again. She banged her head against the steering wheel remembering how he just fucked her on the couch. How she just probably fucked up her relationship with Tucker, Chief Dodds' life by letting it happen, and her own life from all possible directions.

By the time she reached her apartment building her tears were flowing uncontrollably and she struggled to keep her eyes open, and to keep in the sobs desperate to escape with every breath she took. She climbed the steps in hope that the extra time would calm her nerves a little bit, but the shortness of breath just made matters worse.

She fumbled with her keys. Her hair was falling in her face blocking the view. Her coat sleeves were too long. She couldn't see which key she was using from them. And it seemed like the whole world conspired against her…

Olivia gave up. She leaned against the wall next to her door and helplessly slid to the floor giving in to the tears. Then her door opened up and Ed stepped out. He must have heard the struggle with the metal and when she couldn't make it, he decided to help her.

His heart broke over the sight in front of him. She was a complete mess. He knew Dodds' death was going to hit her hard but frankly, he hadn't expected to find her sobbing on the floor of the hallway outside her apartment. He crouched down in front of her, putting his hands gently on her knees. She didn't acknowledge his presence so he put his hand on her arm.

'Hey,'

Nothing happened. Her sobs stopped, she was only staring into the distance, taking in gulps of breaths to make up for the lost oxygen. He didn't know how would she react, but he decided he'd give it a try, so he planted a kiss on top of her head and pulled her to his chest.

'It's okay. Everything will be okay. I'm sorry I wasn't there with you,' he whispered into her hair holding her close. She didn't push him away but she didn't reach out for him either. He wasn't completely sure what to make of it, but he had a guess, that she was blaming herself for what happened to Mike. He should try to get her inside. 'Let's go inside,' he said standing up and trying to figure out how to get her inside. 'Can you stand up?' he asked. Stupid question. Of course she could. She just drove herself home, then probably climbed the steps to her floor. There was no reason she couldn't stand up. But she looked so fragile. He held her under her arms and pulled her to her feet, he didn't risk letting her go, so he just held her to his chest and dragged themselves into her apartment. 'Liv, you're scaring me,' he searching for her gaze.

Then her eyes finally met his. He only saw emptiness in them. The usually radiant full of life chocolate orbs were completely empty. She was broken. And he didn't dare to let her go. He was afraid she would crumble.

'I did something terrible, ' she whispered in dying voice and the sobs started again. She seemed inconsolable.

'Liv, none of it is your fault, you haven't done anything wrong. Okay? The only thing that matters is that you came home, okay?'

'No…' she whined lolling her head to the side, a sad smile appearing on her face.

'We'll figure it out together,'

'I slept with the Chief,'

'What are you talking about?'

She lifted her gaze and looked Tucker in the eyes. She was devastated. And he suddenly understood the reason for her meltdown. She hasn't been anywhere close to that devastated when they left the hospital. She was not upset about Mike, well not only at least, but she was upset with Dodds senior. Dear God. Did he rape her?

'Son of a bitch,' Tucker mumbled under his breath and his sympathy shifted. Did he feel sorry for Mike Dodds? Sure. He seemed like a nice guy and a good cop based on the stories Live has told him. But Chief Dodds? He was a piece of dirt. 'He didn't have the right…' he growled with fury, and just like that he realized that what he was doing was probably further traumatizing Olivia. 'I'm so sorry. You shouldn't have gone through that,' his voice softened and he pulled her into a hug.

'Liv, look at me,' he said wiping away the tears from her eyes. She reluctantly looked at him and the emptiness he saw previously in her eyes was filled with shame. 'I want you to know that I'm not going anywhere, ok? I'm here with you. And we're gonna figure this out together, ok?' Tucker forced a small smile on his face, in a poor attempt to calm her down. 'But I have to know something,' he knew he was stepping on dangerous territory and she could close up real quickly. But he needed to know. 'Did he rape you?'

She shook her head slightly. 'I never said no,' she admitted closing her eyes at the memory.

'He knew you would never refuse him on a day like this… He played on your sympathy…'

'But it hurt so much,'

Thanks for reading!