Disclaimer: I do not own anything to do with Twilight.
A/N: This story is very dark. It's a product of many sleepless nights. I can't explain the need to write this story. A couple months ago I considered tackling this subject in more of a character analysis, but I couldn't because it was way too dark and I had to consider the fan base. This is the tamer, happier version of that idea.
Victim's Torment
I leaned back onto the purple duvet and closed my eyes, pretending for a split second that I could sleep. It was in these moments that I let the darkness consume me; that I allowed myself to relive my past, if only for a moment. I remembered my human life, my human family, and my human dreams. The scars from that night still haunt me. In this eternal life I still feel like that broken, scared young girl, lying alone on that dark street.
I never let Emmett see me like this. I do this only when he is away with my brothers. Alice and Esme know, but they leave me be. In a way Esme understands because she is fighting off her own demons from her past, and Alice has seen enough of Jasper's demons to know when I need this time alone.
My mind unfolds that night again, playing like a silent black and white film. The only difference is I see it not from my eyes, but from that of a witness. I disembody that broken girl and watch the torment from the perspective of another. I don't know why. I can't explain my need to relive it. Perhaps I'm a masochist.
It is in these moments that I feel most vulnerable, that I feel unworthy of my husband's love. I feel like a failure, internalizing the shame and guilt that accompanies the feelings of a victim. I can't help but ask myself why I let it happen, why I didn't see the signs. I can't help but think of the life I could have had, if I had not been so vain, so blind, so stupid.
My hands begin to shake and I roll onto my side, curling into a ball and crying out tearless sobs. My vampire body does not allow me to release emotion like I could as a human girl. I feel bounded in this body, imprisoned by an eternal life. It's not that I don't love Emmett. I do. I love him more than I have ever loved anything or anyone in my life. I love my whole family. I just don't love myself. I don't love the victim that I can't forgive within me. So sometimes I recede into myself and let that victim have her way, to relive all that was stolen from her.
By the time Emmett returns from hunting I am back to being the woman he knows and loves. He doesn't get to see the victim because I fear he won't love her too. She's always in the back of my mind, a shadow of doubt, a voice that reminds me that I won't ever have all that I desire. He keeps that voice at bay. His love begins to heal me like a balm. As long as he is with me, I can ignore the victim within. It is only in his absence that she returns.
One night when I was at my darkest, I felt soft hands slide around me and pull me into strong arms. Emmett tightened his grip on me, pressing a kiss into my hair and holding me until I found the composure to speak. "I'm sorry," I whimpered.
"What could you possibly have to be sorry for?" he whispered. I pressed my face into his solid chest, as a new wave of sobs broke free.
"For not being happy."
"Babe, you don't have to apologize for how you feel."
"I want to be happy with you."
"I know you're happy with me," he replied, stroking his hand down my back. "This has nothing to do with me."
"Doesn't it bother you that I cry for this life?"
"It bothers me that you are upset, but only because it hurts me to see you upset. I know why you hate this life and if I could do anything to give you yours back, I would. This isn't about your life with me; this is about the life you lost. I know that. Why did you hide this from me?"
"Because I thought it would hurt you."
"I hurt when you hurt Rosalie, but not because I take it to mean you don't love me. I don't want to see you hurt, but that is only because I want to protect you from ever feeling it. I love you. Every second of every day I love you. That's not going to change."
"How come you came back early?"
"Jasper and Edward got sick of trying to hide this from me. Edward could hear your thoughts and Jasper could feel your turmoil. They told me that you needed me and so I ran home." Usually I hated my brothers meddling in my life, but for once I was grateful. I needed Emmett and for the first time I felt truly open to him. He was the only one allowed to see me vulnerable, the only one allowed to comfort me. I had always felt I was hiding a big part of who I am from him, that I was betraying him in some way. He pressed another kiss to my temple and rolled me onto my back so he could look me in the eyes.
"I love you," he whispered again.
"I love you too," I replied, as my hand reached up to touch his face. He kissed my palm, and then worked his way down my arm until he reached my mouth. Then he rolled onto his back and let me snuggle into him. I finally felt whole. For the first time the voice was silent, I could no longer hear her cries that I wasn't good enough. For the first time I wasn't a victim, I was an equal, a partner, a wife.