Kala could feel her stomach drop as she studied the pages of text she had gotten from a library in the heart of Paris. Even though so much had happened to make her question her faith, she never had. To her, faith had been the one constant that she centered her life around.
God had always been there-in one way or another-and that sort of reassurance was the kind of peace she needed at times. But sitting with her legs crossed beneath her, Kala could not escape the crippling doubt that was beginning to take root in her mind.
She fought against it with every shred of common sense that told her the thoughts were fleeting, and she would soon start to feel the same devotion that she once did. Before her life was the way it was. Cradling the leather book in one hand, Kala tried to recite words of affirmation that would make those tangible thoughts go away. She tried talking to her God the way that she did before.
Nothing worked to soothe the growing ache in her heart that was festering by the second. She longed for that same love she once had for God, but her gut twisted a new, more intense kind of feeling inside: Anger. That was the last emotion she ever thought she would have in relation to this, but she could not escape it.
Just like she could not escape the pain she felt when she saw the physical proof of the sickening abuse Wolfgang went through as an innocent child. Or when she had no choice but to wait to find him in London after Whispers kidnapped him. Those times would haunt her; that she was sure of.
Settling against the back of the sofa that did wonders in soothing her aching feet at night, she pulled the rest of her reading along with her to get some perspective. She doubted all of her questions could be solved by flipping through the time-worn pages, but she was willing to try.
"Kala?" Looking up from the lecture that had been gripping her attention, she saw Wolfgang leaning against the wall that led into the hallway that had one bathroom and two bedrooms. "What are you doing?"
"Some light reading," Kala replied, holding the book up as evidence. "And waiting for you and Lito to finish your 'bonding time'.
Wolfgang grinned in that adorable way of his that never failed to bring a smile to her face when she needed it. He broke away from the wall, and ambled over to the sofa where she was resting. In a lot of ways, the last few weeks in Paris had been a blissful dream.
"You call this light reading?" He took the tome from her eager hands and set it on the coffee table. "What's on that mind of yours? Hmm?"
"It is light," Kala defended. "At least if you compare it to the books we had to go over at university."
Wolfgang nodded slowly in a way that communicated he did not entirely believe that she was simply reading a heavy book for the fun of it. Kala watched him take another look at the book in question, before pausing to take a sip of his coffee. She could see the wheels spinning in his brain. Down below, in the silence that fell between them, Kala could hear the noises of Paris that intrigued her.
Paris had been where she and Wolfgang had planned on meeting for the first time before BPO had captured him. In the first few weeks that followed his recovery, the question remained: Where would they go? Paris had been the only logical solution. Especially when Nomi secured a place for them to stay.
While Kala would have liked to have gone to Paris under different circumstances, she could not deny how strangely peaceful she had felt since first stepping foot in their small and clustered apartment.
"This book is about religion," Wolfgang said, speaking softly as he transferred himself from the floor to the couch.
"I just had some...questions." Kala had no clue why she felt the need to defend her doubts to the one person who would get what she was going through, but she did.
"About your faith?" Wolfgang positioned himself against the back of the sofa. His arms immediately beckoned Kala to him.
Kala nodded, blinking away stray tears of anger and doubt that seemed determined to torment her. Scooting over, she settled between Wolfgang's legs, and laid her head on his chest. She could hear the steady beat of his heart as his hand rested on her back.
"I don't know what's wrong with me. I went to the Temple the other day, and all I could feel was rage." It was the first time she had allowed herself to say the words aloud.
That was when she knew something had to be terribly wrong on the inside in order to feel the way she did. Wolfgang did not say anything at first; his hands did the talking for him as they massaged her back in slow circles. It would have been easy to fall asleep if she had not been so upset.
Wolfgang had expressed his own opinions on religion a long time ago, and Kala could remember feeling funny talking anymore to him about that sensitive topic. Yet here she was, pouring out what was left of her heart after a trying day of attacking the issue head-on.
"Rage about what?" Wolfgang asked, using his fingers to thread through her hair.
How was it that his touch had that ability to arouse her, and comfort her at equal levels? It was a complex mystery she was quite certain she wanted to figure out. Moving closer to him, feeling an urge to be even nearer, she tucked her head under his chin. His hands never left her body, and they never wavered in providing the peace she needed.
"Everything that has happened! With BPO and having to look over our shoulders every time we pick out our cereal!" Kala curled her hands around his button-down black shirt.
"It's not fair, but-"
"How could a loving God let someone take the one person that means the most to me? And then let that same person be tortured for a week? How could a loving God let Nomi go through what she has with her family?"
Wolfgang did not say anything at first. It seemed that his first instinct was to give Kala as much comfort as he possibly could. His shirt, one of her favorites, was fast succumbing to the downpour of tears that kept raining from her eyes. Closing them, she inhaled a shaky breath and tried to regain a precarious calm.
"None of what happened to us is fair. Life is screwed up any way you look at it. One bad thing happens, and you can be sure It's just a preview to the next thing."
"And what about Sun? Her own brother murdered their father and let her take the fall for all of it! How could a loving God let that happen? And Lito! He finally gets up the courage to come out, and his career is put in jeopardy."
"Kala," Wolfgang said, after a moment of silence in which she was certain he was attempting to find a way to comfort her. "I told you before that I didn't have that faith. That doesn't mean you should lose yours. What happened to all of us is not right or fair, but I don't know if you need to let that influence the way your beautiful mind works."
There was one question Kala had that had plagued her since having her first real talk about religion with him. Raising her head to look at him, she saw nothing but the same look of lovesick adoration that he always looked at her with. Any other day, she would have melted at the look he gave her.
"How can you not believe in something? I mean, life would seem so pointless to me if I didn't have what I have."
Wolfgang smiled softly. "I do believe in one thing, Kala. Miracles."
"Miracles?" Kala echoed. "Why? What do you mean?"
"Well, I mean, all I have to do is look at you and look at us, and that's all the proof I need."
Kala let his answer settle on her heart. He raised a very interesting (and unintended) debate on the nature of religion and what one believes. She supposed, if she thought about it long enough, that she too had faith in the working power of miracles.
"You raise a very important question on religion and all that goes with that. I do have to say that I'm surprised that you have faith in anything after what we talked about before."
"I may not believe the same way as you, but that should not stop you from having that peace. I want that for you. Kala, your faith is part of you. It makes up the person that I fell in love with."
Kala nodded, letting the tears stream down her face until she could wipe them away. She shuddered to know what her family would think if they had any inkling that she was starting to have doubts. Faith had been part of her life since she was born. It was as much a part of her as Wolfgang now had become. Her family, as far as she knew, were still in India, under the belief that she was in Paris, but for a different reason.
Leaning up, she captured Wolfgang's lips in a soft kiss that she could feel grow into something more. She could not put into words the amount of love and adoration she had for this man, or how she felt each time they kissed. Her mouth searched his, her hands running up and down his arms.
She knew how much he wanted to be doing that with her, but true to form, he tensed and broke their kiss. His eyes, so soft and intense, searched hers for understanding. Kala respected how much he respected her, but all she could think about was this time with him that she feared she might never get.
"Are you sure you want this right now?" He was being the gentleman he always was with her.
"Yes. I need it. I need you."
"You already have me," Wolfgang assured her. "For good."
Kala was about to respond, but when her eyes landed on his left arm, she took in a series of scars that criss-crossed over one another, she stopped herself. She could remember the first time she saw the brutal marks that came from his dad. The look of loathing and shame that came to his eyes when she took them in, was still enough to drive her to tears.
Forcing herself to look away from the marks before they succeeded in undoing her, she instead focused back on his face.
"How could a loving God let a little boy be abused by his father?" It was too horrid for her to think about, so she opted not to as often as she could.
"Do you want to know something?"
"That depends," Kala replied, leaning her head down to pepper his scars with her kisses.
"Watching you have your faith, has been a fascinating privilege. I don't understand it, and hell, I already know where I'm going, but watching you have this, has been a ride."
"You," Kala said fiercely. "Are not going to hell. You couldn't. It's impossible."
And for that moment, even though Kala still had doubts, she allowed herself to sink in the moments of goodness that she had been allowed to have with Wolfgang. A loving God who had blessed her more than she deserved, did it every time she woke up next to the man who was cradling her.