Be nice. It's my first fic. And I'm not too sure where I'm going with this. But I have a pretty good idea. First of all, it starts out in New Moon, everything that happened before New Moon and before Edward left is still true. So if you keep that in mind this you'll understand fine. R&R please.
Edward has been gone now for two months. Charlie is worried about me and I can't entirely say that I blame him for that. Even though I do try my hardest to be my normal self. It's just so hard without... him. I try not to even think his name. I'm too scared it will send me into a hyperventilating spell. I don't think Charlie would be too happy if I ended up in the hospital, just a perfect addition to the rest of his worries.
My social life is pretty much nonexistent now. I rarely talk to anyone at school and they've learned to not talk to me as well. I guess they realize that when the Cullens left they took the majority of soul with them. All that's left is the instinct of survival. I eat, sleep, and do my chores and homework, only speaking when spoken to. It seems like I've sunken into my own numb world, which makes life just a bit more endurable.
The only time that I really feel at ease is when I'm asleep. Then, I can imagine anything I want and the pain doesn't hurt like it should. Mostly, I dream about Edward. I dream about what I might be missing out on and what life would have been like if he had stayed. In my dreams, though, I'm not my normal, human self. I'm one of them. One of the Cullens. I'm finally a part of the family that I've always dreamed of. But something always happens. Something bad... It's always ripped away from me at the epitome of the whole experience. Most recently, I was dreaming of Edward and I hunting. But, out of the blue, I turn around and Edward is gone. I try with all my strength to find him but he's no where. Then, I see a strange glow in the trees and I run for it. Somewhere in the back of my mind I know that he's there. Unfortunately, I'm right. I find him there. Only, he's human. But he's not alive. He's lying on the ground with blood spilling from his neck. And then I wake up.
But this is normal for me. My totally abnormal life is so mundane that I've learned that it won't get any better life everyone says. I have no escape from the pain. I have no way of easing it or distracting myself, even when I try my very hardest.
I wake up to a fairly sunny day. Greeat, I say to myself. It's like the sun is mocking me and my undeniable self-pity. For some reason, it feels like the sun has shone more frequently since theyleft. Which is quite unusual for the danky town of Forks, Washington.
I go through my normal routine. Put on my normal clothes, tee-shirt and jeans, topped off with my rain coat that I normally don't need. I eat my normal breakfast without tasting it and without any real conversation with Charlie. I climb in my truck and head out for school. The day carries on as it always does. Each class dragging on without any real excitement. But there normally isn't, not for me at least. Because I'm always stuck in my own little world. Trying not to think about anything at all. I trained myself to clear my mind so that all I would draw up is blank space.
When I get home, I decide on dinner, which is usually the most complex thing that I can come up with so that I can consume as much time as possible. Afterwards, I lay down on the couch and stare at the ceiling. Charlie comes home, we eat, I go to bed early, as usual. But tonight, something feels... different.
I hung outside her window tonight. The first time I'd seen her in two months. Wow, I thought. She really has changed a lot. She seems... tired. But I guess that's to be expected. If she's been having anything near the horrible life I've had since I left then she must not be sleeping well. And I was right. After she finally got to sleep, she seemed to toss and turn like crazy. Maybe, in her dream at least, she was running from something, or ,perhaps, to something. That's what it looked like at least. After all, she was never the most graceful person, so her running was wild. Arms flailing around like a penguin trying to take flight. But suddenly, the flailing stopped. She found what she needed, I guess.
I always loved watching her sleep. She seemed so peaceful. But not tonight. Almost as quickly as it had ceased, the flailing began again. She was running. I laid my forehead against the glass, trying to picture our past. But I hit the glass a little too hard and it made a loud knock. Damn. Maybe she wouldn't notice. But maybe she would. Did... She stopped "running" again and sat up in bed looking in my direction. Strange, she was always such a hard sleeper. A tornado could demolish her house completely and she would sleep straight through it.
But, no. She was definitely awake, and looking right at the window. So I quickly swung myself to the side and out of her sight. After a moment of hesitation, I heard her climb out of bed and take a few slow steps toward the window. I could feel her getting closer, hear her heartbeat getting louder, smell her sweet scent. And then, creaaak, the window opened slowly, obviously for the first time in a while.
Now, here I was, hiding in the eave of the window, and I was facing a very important decision. Should I let her know I'm here and finally get my purpose back, finally be able to think straight without her face obstructing my view, finally be able to walk into a silent, thoughtless room without expecting to see her there? Or should I hide, and let her live her life without any threat of me hurting her? But then again, staying away obviously was hurting her. But at least she's alive. And when I say alive I mean heartbeat and all. Either way, she was somehow gonna end up hurt. But if I put enough effort into keeping her human, then I could prove myself wrong. Yes, that's it. Besides, I know I won't kill her. I'm past the temptation. All I care about is her health and happiness. The smell no longer has control over me.
So I made a quick decision and acted as carefully as possible.
I made one subtle noise. Just enough for Bella to hear. And it worked. She heard it and immediately caught sight of me! And that was all I needed, that one look answered every question. I would stay. I couldn't leave those eyes again. Ever. Those eyes were all I had been thinking about for the past two months and I would not settle for anything less than the real pair.
Was it really him? There is absolutely no way. I must be having another dream. Yes, that's it. This will all be over shortly and I will once again be ripped from my sleepless slumber.
Well, I guess since it is a dream, after all, I could humor my subconscious thought. I stared at him for a moment with wide eyes and, then, I finally remembered how to smile. And it wasn't one of the fake smiles that I had finally perfected over that past two months. No, it was my real smile. And it felt so good to release it. Like a wild stallion that had been cooped up in a stall for too long finally unleashed. I hated that it felt so wonderful, though. All of the happiness would soon be gone anyway. So I my smile away again for safekeeping until Edward really returned. I would not waste this moment on an imposture.
He noticed my frown and his smile faded away, as well.
"Hello." he said. Yes, he definitely noticed and didn't seem too happy about it at all. Quite put out, actually.
"Hi..." I hesitated, not sure if I was willing to let this go on any further. Maybe if I just pushed him out of the window, he would die and this painful dream would be over a little sooner. It was worse than the others. This one made me feel so sick, sick and completely remorseful.
"Are you not happy I came back?" He tried. He had a somewhat hopeful expression on his face. But it disappeared almost as quickly as my smile had.
"You haven't," was my only reply. And, at that, I turned and walked silently back into my room. I left the window open, for some unknown reason. He followed me hesitantly and seated himself in my rocking chair that had become his normal perch when we were close.
"But I have. I'm sitting right here in front of you. And I'm not leaving again."
"Yes you are. You always do. Something always happens for you to leave me. But I always wake up to my same room and same life. So I'll just play along with this for now. But tonight, the difference is that I see it coming and I know the disappointment that is in my future."
"Bella, love, this isn't a dream." He said as he stood from the chair and took slow deliberate steps toward the edge of the bed, where I sat. "I'm back, for good."
"That's what you always say. I can't believe you now. I've come so far... I can't let myself fall for this again. I don't want anymore disappointment."
"I don't want to disappoint you. But, Bells, I'm back." He touched my hand, and I felt his icy skin. That's new. But I wouldn't fall for it. Not this time. I pulled my hand away and stuck it under the covers. He just stared at me.
"Bella..." He looked pained. He seemed so real. Why couldn't he be? Why couldn't this one dream come true? I mean that's what they say isn't it? Dreams come true? Obviously not. My dreams don't come true. Ever. No matter how real they felt. No matter how real they looked, smelled.
He smelled just as I'd always remembered. He was close to me now, close enough for me to smell his delicious breath.
"I can prove it." I doubted that and I showed it. He looked at me with knowing eyes, "I'll show you." And with that, he pulled me into a strong embrace that surely felt real. And slowly, oh so slowly, he pressed his lips to mine. My heartbeat raced and my breathing quickened and, suddenly, my head felt very light. That... was definitely my Edward.
And then it hit me. He's back!
"Oh... my...," but I didn't get to finish. Because before I could he had his lips against mine again except this time with more force and I knew that this was him. I wasn't dreaming anymore and hopefully this time he wouldn't get ripped away from me. I didn't want to wake up, even if it was a dream.
Hope you liked. Please let me know! Update will be in soon enough. xo; Mel