Final Fantasy Tactics: Spoof of the Lions
Hey everybody! Dwarfstar here, with yet another hilarious spoof-fic! This one is a spoof of Final Fantasy Tactics: War of the Lions, which is a totally awesome game (but not as awesome as FFIX! fangirl squee) that, while it's really awesome, it has almost no humor whatsoever! Well, Uber-Star is here to save the day! A waaave and a snap, a little imagination, and BOOM! Oops, won't be tryin' that again… '
Start the freakin' fic already!!
Shut up, Penelope! gets shot in the neck by tranquilizer dart Uhhhhhh… pretty… passes out
Ha! That'll show 'er! starts fic
Disclaimer: I do not, repeat, DO NOT own anything Final Fantasy. Period. (If I did, this wouldn't be a fanfic. ;D)
Chapter One: Stop Drop 'n Roll
The knight stopped his chocobo beside the mountain stream, allowing it to drink. He gazed out over the land, allowing his eyes to roam the horizon. Spotting what looked rather like a large rock outcropping from this distance, he abruptly nudged his chocobo to go on. It lifted its head, looked at him for a moment with its deep brown eyes, and flopped over on its side.
Delita frowned. "Hey, wake up you stupid bird, the camera's rolling!" he yelled. The chocobo opened one eye.
"Dude, I've been running for like, the past three hours. And they took forever gettin' all this freakin' armor on me, so I only got like three hours of sleep last night,"
Delita rolled his eyes. "So? It takes me like, eight hours to put on all this makeup. And it totally reeks, too," he added.
"And," the chocobo continued, "and I haven't eaten anything today, my feet hurt, I've been running for three hours, and I totally need to pee! And plus, all that makeup makes you really top-heavy. Now go away, before I open up a can of Choco Gas on you."
"Choco wha--"
Phhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrttttt
"Oh gross!!" he yelled as he fell over backward, holding his nose.
"Hey, I told you," the chocobo said without opening his eyes. "Now leave me alone."
"Man," Delita muttered as he sat down and tried to block out the horrible smell with his worse-smelling makeup. "Choco Beak, Choco Cure, Choco Esuna, Choco Meteor, Choco Cannon, and now this. Those freakin' Chocobos get all the fame these days." After a few minutes, he looked sneakily from side to side, then pulled out a Goblin Barbie Doll. "Night night, BobbyGob."
--
The Next Day…
Delita sat on top of the chocobo. "Alright, no funny stuff, 'K?" he asked.
"Dude, it a spoof. We're being paid to be funny. Like, 500 million gil apiece." the chocobo replied. Delita stared.
"How many million gil?" he whispered.
"I just told you, 500 million. OK, could you stop bugging your eyes out, 'cause that's seriously cree--"
Delita whipped out a party hat and toy horn and started doing cartwheels and jumping jacks. "I'm gonna be ri-ich, I'm gonna be ri-ich!" He yelled in a singsong voice. The director sighed.
"Go get the tranquilizer," he said wearily to the animal handler as he rubbed his eyes.
--
Two Hours Later…
Again, Delita sat on the chocobo. "I think we'd better get our lines right this time," the chocobo said nervously.
"I'm amazed." Delita remarked sarcastically. "Why the sudden change of heart?" The chocobo jerked his head toward the director. Delita raised an eyebrow.
"So?" he said. "He's just a director. What's your problem?"
The director held up a toy rider and chocobo by a tiny noose around the toy rider's neck. He glared at them.
"I heard his mother-in-law made that for him." the chocobo's voice quavered. "Warned him not to visit, or else."
Delita laughed uncertainly. "Haha, good one, dude!"
The chocobo didn't laugh.
"C'mon, I know you were just kidding."
Nothing.
"Uh, you were kidding, right?"
the chocobo shook his head.
"Oh crap."
--
"Action!" the director bellowed, with a murderous glare in Delita and the chocobo's direction. Delita gulped and kicked the chocobo to make him go.
He took off like a bullet, streaking down the mountainside. Everything was going perfectly, the dramatic camera angles were working, the chocobo was running, the sunlight was glinting off of Delita's 18 pounds of makeup, when suddenly Delita glanced casually at his leg. His eyes casually widened, and he casually screamed.
"HOLY CRAP I'M ON FIRE!!", which made the chocobo yell "Stop drop 'n roll!!" and do precisely that, which unfortunately doesn't work very well when you're an overgrown bird wearing armor with somebody riding on your back.
"AAAAAAAAAAA MY SPLEEN!!"
"Ack! Dude, stop flailing, that really OW hurts!!"
"OH CRAP I think you just flattened my liver!"
"Well I probably wouldn't if you'd just jump off!"
And so it went until they reached the bottom of the slope, which just so happened to end in the animal handler's tent.
"Dude, we're gonna crash into the dude's tent!"
"WHO FREAKIN' CARES?!"
PFOOMF!(yes, that is an actual sound)
After a few moments, the chocobo's head popped up out of the wreckage of the tent. His eyes widened.
"DUDE! We totally just leveled the animal handler's tent!"
Delita's head came up. "DUDE! RIGHT ON!" The two of them hi-fived(which is kinda hard to do when one of you only has talons). The chocobo looked up the slope. His pupils shrank. He poked Delita's shoulder with a claw. "Dude, what?" Delita yelled, still adrenaline'd(and that's a word) from the fall. the chocobo pointed.
Delita looked up the slope to see the director (along with an entire angry film crew) running down the slope.
"Oh crap."
Will Delita and the chocobo ever get their lines right? Will the director ever go visit his mother-in-law? Even more important, will Delita ever get hold of makeup that doesn't reek? Who knows?
Heck, who cares?
To be continued…
So, what'dja think? Did'ja like it? Huh? HUH?! You know what to do! See that li'l purple button down there? Click it! You know you waaant toooooo….. (chants) press the button press the button pressthebutton pressthebuttonpressthebutton!! Just about any feedback is appreciated EXCEPT random hate-mails. You know what I mean. ' ZOMGZ UR STORY SUCKS AND U SUCK AND I H8 U!!1'. If you're gonna flame, at least tell me what you didn't like. For instance:
Good: 'I thought your story was a little too short, and it could have used better punctuation.'
Bad: ' Your story would be better if it wasn't for your story!'
Well, Dwarfstar, signing off.
Don't die(if you did, there'd be no one to read my story. :'(