Drown My Fears

Rifiuto: Non Mirena

Summary: A journey of self- discovery. Make your peace, and let the chips fall where they may. Was inspired by Wyndes's ficlet, 'Walkabout'. Hope that's okay. And this is the direction it went- includes Zane angst.

She stood on the shore of Peggy's Cove, watching the sun set, the colors splashing among the blue of the water as the waves crashed over her bare feet. A moment passed, before she took a seat, dropping her sandals. Her dark hair tumbled down her back in curls, and she wrapped her arms around her knees, becoming lost in thought. It had been a harrowing few weeks- six in total- and she'd come no closer to discovering what she wanted out of life than when she'd left. All thoughts of Eureka, of GD, of Astreaus, of Zane were left in America; she'd crossed the border, headed for Nova Scotia, and the small town of Halifax on the ocean's shore, to find herself. Nearly four thousand miles away from Oregon was the best she could do without hopping a plane. She'd stolen away while all of Eureka was witnessing the launch, leaving all form of communication behind.

Those first days in Halifax, she'd done the tours, visiting the Maritime Museum, and seeing the Titanic graves. She'd walked the quiet side streets and wandered barefoot on the shore before visiting the lighthouse in Peggy's Cove. She'd watched the Queen Elizabeth II dock in the harbor, and become lost in the music and scent of liquor in the early evenings. Though she'd brought her credit cards, she hadn't used them, preferring to pay in cash for the majority of everything- she could afford it after all, she worked in one of the highest positions in Global, and her paycheck was pretty hefty.

Her temporary home was a small bed and breakfast in the heart of Halifax- a cottage straight out of a Thomas Kinkade painting, and appropriately named Heart of the Harbour. The first few nights, she'd stayed up, curled in front of the small fireplace in her room, a book in hand, all thoughts of Eureka gone, with only a calm that the small coastal city could provide. Eventually, she became comfortable enough in her temporary city that she would wander the streets, searching for any signs that would help her discover what she wanted. The only problem she had, was having her car towed at the Stepping Stones- a small hill overlooking the harbour from the east. When told to call a cab, she'd fired back that, "You don't bring a cellphone on walkabout. Do you not understand that?"

It had cost her two hunded eighty-six bucks to get her car back, but she'd chalked it up to all part of the experience.

She'd allowed herself to be the object of other men's attention, dancing and flirting, but always returning to her room alone. In her dreams, she would find herself in Zane's arms; locked in a passionate embrace or savoring a gentle kiss, only to wake in the morning, tangled in the sheets, her voice hoarse, as though she'd been screaming or crying. Eventually, she gave in to her desires, and after a night of dancing and conversation, brought her current suitor back to the B&B with her. She'd kissed him not long after the door was locked, and as they'd moved to the bed, she found that he looked almost exactly like Zane.

Twins... they could be twins...

He had said his name was Evan Cross... a software developer from Vancouver, spending a couple weeks in Halifax. They'd made love that night, as the last of the embers died in the grate of the fireplace, and afterward, as she looked into his eyes, she'd realized that, for the first time, she'd broken convention and done something for herself.

I feel like there's something else for me, I just have to find it.

Her entire life had been structured around rules and protocols. But, as she lay in Evan's arms that night, she suddenly understood that what she was looking for had nothing to do with Eureka, it had to do with herself- long before the timeline change, before Eureka, before the Army, before her father's death, even before her mother's passing, a part of her had gone missing, a part of her being she'd never realized was missing until now. She'd compromised herself in favor of everyone else, giving over all of herself, and leaving nothing but a shell of the girl she once thought she'd understood.

I need to figure out what I want, and I can't do that here. Not yet.

So she'd fled nearly four thousand miles away, to another country, leaving behind all she knew in favor of the unknown. She'd given in to her urges, making love to a man who reminded her of the man she'd left behind in Eureka, calling out his name and taking his lips in hers over the course of the evening. And as she lay in his arms afterward, she began to realize that all the rules in the world couldn't make up for the part of her that was missing.

Climbing out of bed, she stoked the fire, poured a drink, and then nervously lit a cigarette- a habit she'd briefly taken up as a teenager in rebellion against her father- taking a seat by the fire and sipping her drink. A moment passed, before Evan climbed out of bed and joined her, staying silent. She took a quick puff on her cigarette, her words coming out soft. "Everything... everything I do..." She glanced at him quickly. "Is to prove myself." She looked down into her glass, feeling insecurity wash over her. He nodded, keeping quiet, letting her speak at her own pace. "From the time I was a child... I had to prove myself. To my father-" She licked her lips, taking another drag on her cigarette.

He watched her, seeing the vulnerability reflected in those dark depths. "To my brothers. My boyfriends. My lovers." She glanced up at him, and he gave her a tiny smile, reaching up to gently cradle her cheek. "I can't do it anymore. I can't keep proving myself. If I do... it'll kill me." The sweet scent of smoke filled her nose as she slipped the cigarette between her lips, and she closed her eyes as she exhaled. "I just... I can't. I can't keep doing this, over and over and over again. It's like... I'm stuck in an abusive relationship and can't figure out how to get out. I just keep trying to prove that I'm good enough, so that everyone knows I'm good enough. But I'm not. I never have been, and I need to face that." He reached out, tilting her chin up; his blue eyes softened in concern. A moment passed, before he whispered,

"My wife... was killed a year ago. I've never... fully accepted it. Threw myself into work... lost a part of myself in the process. Was told a walkabout would help me clear my head." She chuckled softly; so they were here with the same goal in mind. Sweet, sweet irony had led her to accept his invitation to dance. "I hunt dinosaurs for a living. I try to put them back where they belong. All in some... misguided attempt to make up for not protecting Brooke the day she died." She reached up, wiping a tear off his cheek.

"You can't change what happened, Evan." He gave her a small smile, holding her hand to his cheek and kissing her palm. She gave him a watery smile. "I... I'm a time traveler from another Eureka. I went back to nineteen-forty-seven and when I came back, the man I loved hated me. I changed the timeline, and it destroyed my life." She sniffled, dropping the cigarette into the last of her drink and setting it on the floor. He nodded.

"Anomalies. I know them well... if you change even one thing, everything can change. Change anything in the present, and the one we're in now doesn't exist. Maybe never did. And... unless you're in an anomaly when the change happens, you don't even know about it. What's worse is-"

"Knowing how it was supposed to be. Being the only one that remembers." She whispered, looking into his blue eyes. He nodded.

"Yeah." He thought a moment. "They tell you that... this is your life, and to focus on that."

"But you can't, no matter how much you pretend too want to." She licked her lips. "You lose everything, break more than you fix." They settled into contented silence, before he leaned over and pressed a gentle kiss to her lips. She wrapped an arm around his neck, holding him to her. Their bodies melded together, and moments passed before they gave into the passion that sizzled between them once again.

They'd spent the next few weeks in each others' company, enjoying the familiar companionship that had settled around them. At night, they tumbled into bed together, making love and sharing stories of their chaotic lives. Both knew that this was nothing more than a physical attraction, but they were content to immerse themselves in it for the time being. It was nice, having someone who understood the loss of a loved one, who'd gone through it, and would live with the reprecussions for the rest of their lives. In the mornings, they would meet at a small cafe for breakfast, sharing pastries over coffee or sneaking bites from each others' omelets. Afterwards, they'd wander the city, windowshopping or slipping into a bookstore to browse. They'd explore the silence of the cemteries, always leaving after laying flowers at the stone commemorating the S.S. Curaca- one of the ships lost in the Halifax Explosion.

After their midnight romps, they usually spent the afterglow sharing whispered secrets they'd never told anyone, reflecting on their choices and wondering aloud what they would have done differently, given the chance. He told her how he'd once been recruited to Eureka, but had turned down the offer in favor of working for himself, not for anyone else. She spoke, for the first time, of being captured in Afghanistan, and the fight she'd gone through to survive. He mentioned that Brooke wasn't the first girl he'd fallen in love with, and she told him how she'd gotten engaged to an Eric Brogan in college- only to break off the engagement after graduation. They shared their darkest secrets and lightest desires- all thoughts of those they loved falling away as their bodies came together and they gave into their passion.

By the fourth week, they'd settled into a comfortable routine, and Jo soon found that she was more than just the Head of GD Security, more than a soldier, more than a Eurekian- she was a girl, a woman, who could get men to do her bidding with a bat of her lashes and the upturn of her smile. She discovered that she was more siren than she'd ever even considered, and that letting men fulfill her every beck and call was more about enticing them and then taking away than actually fulfilling their desires. She discovered that lingerie was meant to induce desire and arousal, and that letting a man touch her- the way Evan touched her, the way Zane did- was every bit as rewarding for her as for him. She began to discover a part of herself that had died long ago, that she'd never realized she possessed.

In the middle of the fifth week, Evan asked her to come to Vancouver with him; she'd taken an interest in his work with the anomalies, and had readily ageed, promising that once everything returned to normal in Eureka, she'd be up in Vancouver, trying her hand at dinosaur hunting. They'd gone to Peggy's Cove and sat on the beach, watching the sun set into the waves; she'd settled between his legs, leaning back against his chest as his strong arms went around her, the soft cotton of the forest green dress she wore beneath his fingers. He'd pressed a kiss to her temple, and they'd become lost in thought, enjoying the company.

And so, that was where she found herself today, sitting on the beach, in that same green dress, sandals at her side, hair down, watching the sun set beneath the waves. She hugged her knees, becoming lost in thoughts of a life she felt like she no longer lived. She turned to gaze behind her when he joined her, sitting behind her and wrapping his arms around her. With a gentle kiss to her lips, he let her settle against him. "What are you thinking?" She tilted her head back to look at him.

"I came up here to find that part of me that I was missing. And I found it. I found all of it." She turned in his arms, looking into his eyes. "With you." He watched her, silent. "I... I don't need to prove myself with you... I can be... me..." She took a deep breath. "I found what I've been missing, what I was looking for. I finally figured out what I want, and it all leads back... to you. Not Zane, not Eureka, but you. Evan... I fell in love with you." He gave her a small smile, kissing her gently. He nudged his nose against hers, whispering,

"I love you, Jo. I never thought... after Brooke... but I did. I fell and I fell hard for you. And I love you, so much." She grinned, reaching up to cradle his cheek, and he pressed a kiss to her palm, before capturing her lips again. When they finally broke apart, she asked,

"So... what happens now?" He rested his forehead to hers, thinking.

"We need to make a choice." She nodded, taking a deep breath. Her hands moved around his neck, tangling in his hair.

"I want to be with you, Evan. I love you. I know, six weeks isn't enough time to-"

"It is if you open your heart to it, Jo." He whispered, nudging their noses together. She smiled at him.

"I guess that's what we were missing then. Opening our hearts." He pressed a gentle kiss to her lips. After a moment, he got up, helping her to her feet.

A week later, Jo found herself back in Eureka; she'd been met by Mansfield, and after being chewed out for the Astreaus incident, handed in her resignation, to his shock. So that was how she found herself in Cafe Diem, dressed in that little green sundress and sandals, her hair down in waves. Her presence instantly stalled all conversation, and Carter was the first of their small group to welcome her back with a hug. His eyes asked what everyone else was wondering, but Jo stayed mum, even as Zane and several others wrapped her in hugs. Eventually, the sheriff asked, "So, are you ready to get back to Eureka craziness?"

A flash of sadness filled her eyes briefly, and after a minute, she said, "Actually, I'm not staying." An instant buzz erupted, that only stopped with Fargo's firm,

"Let her talk!"

She gave the GD Director a small smile, before, "I just... came to get the rest of my things. I... I'm moving." Carter was the first to respond with a cry of utter disbelief. "To Vancouver."

"Why?" Allison asked. Jo shrugged.

"I found what I was looking for, what I wanted. All of it." As she spoke, she reached behind her, taking the man's hand and lacing their fingers. It was then that Carter saw the gold band on her finger, sparking in the light, and he turned to glance at Zane. The younger man looked sick; the sudden realization that the woman he loved had gone off to find herself and not only found herself, but fallen in love with another man-

A quick flash of something passed between Jo and the man, and she leaned up, pressing a kiss to his lips as he laid a hand gently at her waist. Taking a deep breath, Zane struggled to hide the tears in his eyes. When she pulled away, she turned back to those in the cafe, a warm smile on her face. "I fell in love. This is Evan- my husband."

Feeling his heart constrict as her words hit him full force, Zane realized that, in finding herself, Jo had found love.