Password Unacceptable
A/N: Hey guys! Okay, I have really wanted to write another funny scene between Erik and Raoul (and NO, for you sickos out there, this IS NOT a slash fic!) since my other funny fics are completed, I realized: In The Grass is Always Greener, we learn that Raoul can't watch football because Christine blocked out all sports channels using password control with a password only she knows. But, I never revealed the password, even though I had planned to insert this as a chap to answer the question in A Girl's Day Out. So, consider this sort of like a deleted-scene fic, if that's possible, LOL!
Warning: This is and is going to remain a one-shot. Just written for the readers' enjoyment And yes, there will be anachronisms and major Raoul-bashing ( but what fic is complete without that ?)
Summary: For fans of my previous fics Grass is Always Greener and A Girl's Day Out: The idiots are at it again. Erik and Raoul are betting on whether or not they will be able to unravel the mysteries of the female mind in order to watch the Superbowl. Meanwhile, Christine and Meg have some mischeif in the works for the Phantom and the Fop...
Erik was taking a short nap in his lair before the big game and trying to sleep off the hangover of the previous night out with his rival-turned- best friend, Raoul de Changy, when the "It's A Small World After All" ring tone began blaring, waking him up. He fell out of his chair, landing on the hard stone floor of his lair.
"God! I knew I should have gotten that carpeting special the Persian offered! Damn it, who is calling me NOW? Who ever calls? Why do I even own a cell phone if I'm about to go insane from tortuous isolation from the rest of humanity? And who changed my ring tone? What the hell is up with all these questions?" he growled. He looked at his caller I.D. to see who it was and sure enough his worst fears were confirmed
Your bestest, bestest friend ever in the whole wide world, Raoul de Changy
Erik cursed. Raoul must have been reprogramming his cell phone last night when Erik was drunk. That was one of the disadvantages of having a best friend that was so foppy and gay you couldn't tell the difference between when he was drunk or just acting normal. That explained the stupid caller I.D. Name and the annoying cant-get-it-out-of-your-head-once-it's-in-there-ring tone. He flipped the phone open
"Raoul, what is it? And why did you screw up my phone last night?"
"Erik" Raoul whispered, in a strange cross between being paranoid and giddy "I need your help! You have to come over right now!"
"What is it? The Superbowl's gonna start in an hour and I still need to get more potato chips and beer."
"Erik, I can't explain right now, but please, can't you do your bestest, bestest, bestest friend in the whole wide world a super, gigantic, really big, nice favo-"
"Only if you'll shut the hell up. My head's gonna explode in a minute here listening to that"
"Okay, I'll shut up. Wait, how am I gonna keep talking? Is this one of those trick questions you know will make my head hurt? I cannot believe that you would..."
Erik gave an inward groan while Raoul kept babbling to no one, since Erik had thrown the cell phone in the lake and decided just to go over there and see what was up.
He hopped into Meg's SUV in the parking lot they'd added underneath Erik's lair and went off to the de Changy estate
"I cannot believe that you would make my brain hurt with that really big question Erik! You know how confused I get if we're not talking about makeup, concealer, lip gloss and makeup! Oh, and Christine's boobs. Meg's too, hers are huge! I just-"
Raoul shut up when Erik slammed the door shut behind him. Raoul squealed
"Erik, what are you doing here so fast? Did you use one of those Star Trek transporter beam thingies? And how are you listening to me on the phone if you're here?"
Erik was slightly astounded. Raoul's I.Q. had gone up about a point if he was finally able to realize this.
"Not the point, Raoul. I'm here. Now what do you want? The Superbowl's going to start soon!"
"That's the point. You know I have that 60 inch high-definition T.V., don't you?"
"Yeah. So?"
"I wanted us to watch the Superbowl on it."
Erik broke into a dead sprint into the rec-room calling over his shoulder "So what the hell are we standing here yapping about? We're missing the pre-game show. With girls. Lots of pretty girls! On a hi-def T.V. Screen!"
Raoul ran after him, panting for about five minutes after he caught up to him in the rec-room. Erik was searching crazily for the remote.
Raoul called out to him "It's no use, Erik"
Erik turned on him, pulling out the Punjab "Are you crazy man? We could be watching hot cheerleaders on a sixty inch T.V! What do you mean NO USE!" he screamed
Raoul motioned for him to sit down in the plushy armchair, which he did. After bouncing on the always-bouncy sofas fops find fascinating for a minute and an attempted Punjab attack by Erik, Raoul finally started
"O.K., here's the deal. Ahem
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
A tale of a fateful- Erik, no, don't! Not the Punjab again! God, I can't breathe! Let me go!" he screamed. After watching Raoul's face turn several amusing shades of blue and then purple, he loosened the Punjab regretfully and let him out. He gasped for breathe before resuming
"Where was I? Oh yeah. A tale of a fateful-"
He trailed off while Erik stared daggers at him and growled "De Changy, I swear, if you finish that lyric, this time I won't let you live"
Raoul giggled girlishly "Is that a threat or a promise?"
Erik was now very disturbed and began massaging his throbbing temples "Raoul, what is it?"
"Well, this is the biggest T.V. we own, o.k.? And I was thinking of the perfect plan: WE could watch the Superbowl together on it and have so much fun-"
"Raoul, please don't finish that sentence. And where's Christine. Won't she kill you if she finds out we're watching football?"
"No, that's what makes it perfect! She and Meg went out shopping. They won't be back for hours!"
"So what are we gabbing about? Turn the damn Superbowl on man!"
"Erik, have you forgotten about chapters 1, 2 and 4 in The Grass is Always Greener and Chapters 1 and 7 in A Girl's Day Out?"
"What are those?"
"I have no idea. Anywhoo, Chrissy-bear blocked all the sports channel with a password only she knows, so I can't watch football. And I can't unblock it and I need your help." he sighed
Erik stared at the gigantic dark T.V. screen in disbelief "So, you're saying we have a gigantic sixty inch high def T.V. screen to watch the Superbowl and hot half-time cheerleaders on, and the only thing standing in our way is a stupid password!" he exclaimed
Raoul nodded sadly "Yeah. I've tried everything I know"
"So basically we have nothing to work with" he growled. The game started in forty minutes, and Erik would miss the first quarter if he had to stop to buy snacks and drive back to the lair. He had always prided himself on never missing a Superbowl and he was not going to start now.
"We have to find that password" he said
So, he and Raoul set to work using every password they knew
"Try her name"Erik suggested while Raoul held the remote
"O.K. Password: CHRI- wait, how do you spell it?"
"Give me that!' Erik groaned, hurriedly typing in Christine's name. Password Unacceptable
Erik sighed "All right, let's try something different.
"Erik, lets face it, we're never going to find the password! Why don't we just watch the t.v. in your lair?"
"God, you are a wuss, Raoul! Women's minds aren't that complex. The password can't be that hard"
Raoul scoffed "Yeah right, like you can guess what it is. I've been married to Christine for three years and I still don't know what it is!"
"Raoul, it took you five years to learn how to spell your own name! It's not that surprising you're so dumb you can't crack it. If Meg ever pulled something like this, I'd have it cracked in five minutes, no sweat. I know everything there is to know about my wife"
"What's her shoe size?" Raoul asked
-Silence-
"Okay, maybe not everything there is to know about Meg, but I know all the important details!"
"It's a nine" Raoul, muttered under his breath
Erik groaned "I'm not even going to ask"
"I know you can't find the password" Raoul challenged
"Oh yeah foppy boy? You wanna bet?"
"Erik, no offense, but betting with you never works out well"
"Yes it does!"
"Does not!"
"Does too!"
"Does not!"
"Aww, is wittle Raoul-Raoul scared?" Erik asked mockingly
"Never call me Raoul-Raoul again, understand?"
"What are you gonna do, throw your moisturizer at me?"
No, but the guys did engage in an ultimately stupid wrestling match on the floor which lasted about five minutes until Erik pinned Raoul
"Haha, you lost again!"
"You wanna have another sword fight and see who the loser is Mr 'Oh, I'm the Phantom, I have a neat swishy cape and a mask, but I lost a sword fight and my woman to a Fop!'"
Erik grunted "No! I wanna make a bet!"
So, after letting Raoul up off the floor, Erik settled the terms
"O.K., the bet is this: If I can type in the password before the superbowl starts, I win. If not, I win and you lose"
"All right, that makes sens- Wait a minute, Erik!"
"O.K., how 'bout this: If I can type it in before it starts, you pay me a thousand francs. And if not (God forbid) I'll -gulp- pay you the thousand francs. Agreed?"
"Agreed" and they shook on it
In the next five minutes Erik tried about every difficult yet somehow-Christine-related word he knew, but he still couldn't crack it. Out of desperation, he called to Raoul for help. The game would start half an hour
"Hey, no fair! If I help you, oh, that means you lose! Yay!"
"Don't start cheering yet. The bet was if I type it in before the game starts. Doesn't matter who comes up with it, as long as I'm typing it" He grinned wickidly, holding the keypad far above Raoul's head as he lunged for it. He sighed and sat down
"Erik, I hate you and your genius-ness"
"I know"
So, in the next fifteen minutes they tried
All of the song titles in POTO
Password Unacceptable
All of the character names in POTO
Password Unacceptable
Various types of makeup and clothing
Password Unacceptable
Christine's favorite movies
Password Unacceptable
Christine's favorite songs
Password Unacceptable
Christine's favorite store names
Password Unacceptable
Her favorite hobbies
Password Unacceptable
By now, the game was about to start in ten minutes and the guys were in a ridiculous state of panic. Raoul was banging his head off the sofa and yelling out random bits of nonsense he thought could be passwords and Erik was so frustrated and desperate he was actually using them
"Angel of Music!" Raoul screamed between head-bangings
"Tried it already!"
"Foppy McFopperson!"
"Oh, good one!" He tried it. Password Unacceptable
"I love to sing!" Tried it. Another Password Unacceptable
"Crap!"
"Cottage cheese!"
"Why would that be her password?"
"Why wouldn't it be?" Raoul questioned
Erik tried it. Password Unacceptable
"Bra!" Erik said, typing it in Password Unacceptable
"Try ballet!" Raoul screamed
Password Unacceptable
"How 'bout farting!" Erik said
"What the hell, she's a girl! Girl's don't fart"
"Trust me, I know they do. You haven't seen Meg after three spicy burritos at Taco Hut. I know for a fact that girls fart"
"Thanks for that mental image there buddy. Whatever, put it in."
Password Unacceptable "Damn!"
"Erik is a sexy beast!" Raoul screamed
"Oh, I like that one!"Password Unacceptable
"Damn you! You little prying...high def t.v. screen! We've tried over a thousand different words by now? What the hell could that password possibly be? You little viper! What is the password?"
"Erik, this is not the time for lame parodies! Pull yourself together man! The superbowl starts in fifteen minutes! We have to come up with a password!" Raoul screamed, near hysteria
"Raoul, come on, we have to think! O.K., rephrase that: I have to think!" He snapped his fingers "I got it!"
"What?"
"I love Erik naked!"
"We already tried that! Come on, put my name in instead. She loves me!"
"Yeah right. We all saw her during PONR, you know she wants me!"
"Are we going to fight over every stupid detail of the stupid movie or do I have to kick your ass in another sword fight!"
"Bring it on foppy boy!" Erik screamed, then went "Oh, I got it" hurriedly typing in "Raoul is a fop"
Raoul smiled "Thank you...I think"
Password Unacceptable
Erik starting slamming his head into the keyboard, which resulted in the string of random letters dnbckbvridyuhtasadvlnfgnbkutcotar;akbtrfkgeftle;dlknwleavrtbmiyddklvnv , which Erik out of desperation, submitted as a password.
Password Unacceptable
Erik snapped up "That's it! The password is an anagram of 'Password Unacceptable!" he said, furiously typing away
Raoul blinked "Anna who?"
"Didn't you bother to read The Da Vinci Code?"
"I know how to read?" Raoul asked in confusion. Erik groaned then looked at his watch
"Oh shit! The superbowl starts in ten minutes!"
Raoul sighed, then miraculously (for his peanut I.Q. Asked) "Hey Erik, you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"That your wife loved me all along, finally realized it and you're getting a divorce?" Erik asked in mock hope
"No, that your T.V.'s still on in your lair right?"
"Yeah, but it's only a twenty-four inch color screen..." Erik said trailing off
"But still, starring at a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader's ass on your little t.v. is better than starring at Password Unacceptable on mine, right?"
Erik looked at Raoul as if the idea had been his all along "So what are we still doing here?" He bolted out of the rec room with Raoul right on his heels "We'll just watch the game at my place!" he called over his shoulder
"But Erik, your place is twenty minutes away! We'll never make it in time!"
"Raoul, nothing is standing between the way of me and the Superbowel. Not even Paris rush hour traffic"
And so, after breaking every speed limit ever known to man (and nearly their necks) and running every red light and road sign at the speed of 220 mph, they made it into Erik's lair with two minutes to spare.
But the curiosity of what the Password was haunted them for the rest of their unfulfilled lives...
Just kidding, they never gave another thought to what the Password was once they were drunk and drooling in awe of the Superbowl and the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. ;) Although, at half-time, Raoul remembered the bet and made Erik pay up to his dismay. Actually, Erik was so drunk that night he ended up paying Raoul triple the amount they usually bet on and just about had a heart attack later when he realized what he had done
Thirty seconds after Erik and Raoul left, Christine poked her head into the rec room, calling to Meg "It's all clear. The guys left."
"Well, where would they go?"
"Who knows, and who cares, Meg? But, wasn't it a great shopping spree!" Christine giggled as they dumped their shopping bags onto the floor
"Yeah" Meg agreed "New wardrobes, a makeover, and tons of makeup all racked up on our husbands credit cards!"
"And, to top it off, THE SUPERBOWL!" they both squealed
"Christine, what's that?" Meg asked, gesturing to the Password Unacceptable on the t.v. screen
"Oh, I blocked out all the football channels using a password only I know"
"Oh, that's an ingeniously evil move. I've taught you well" Meg said darkly
"Yeeeaah, anywhoo, the password is so ridiculously obvious, only an idiot couldn't figure it out"
'So our husbands never stood a chance right?" Meg asked
"Totally. So, remember our bet don't you Meg? " Christine asked, scrolling through the history "You bet the guys would find the password in time and I bet they wouldn't and I was right! Haha, look at the history account: 347 Password Unacceptable's logged, 0 Password Accepted's logged. They never cracked the password Megsy-Wegsy. You know what that means!" she shrieked
"Yes. Honestly, Christine, you spend way too much time with that fop for your own good."
"Who's the fop?"
"Your husb- Never mind. So, what's the password?"
"No, you don't just yet, you lost that bet, remember Meg? That means I get the last pair of those four inch red heels we fought over in the shoe department and that picture of Orlando Bloom"
Meg grudgingly handed over the prizes, kissing the Orlando Bloom photo before Christine snatched it away
"Okay, so you want to know what the password is, Meg?"
"Yeah"
"You really wanna know?"
"Christine, YES I WANT TO KNOW! The superbowl starts in two minutes!"
And with that Christine typed in the ingeniously simple password her idiot husband and friend had been trying to guess to no avail for almost an hour:
Football
Password Accepted
And with that, the two girls settled down to enjoy the biggest football game of the year on the sixty inch high def T.V. screen that Raoul and Erik forever despised.
Just kidding, they probably loved that thing more than their wives.
Seriously
Yes, so what did you think? Funny? Stupid? Ingeniously clever? The result of the authoress on a sugar-high?
Leave a review and tell me!