Family Guy:Where everyone forgets your name
by
Mike Kocher
Opening shot(Peter is watching TV)
Television Announcer: We now return to the movie of the week Pirates of the Caribbean
on the Disney Channel
(Instead of the action movie we see the ride at Disneyland broken down)
Kid: I knew we should have went to Sea world
Dad: Son no you cant say that..
(In the next shot the son has a stitches on his head from brain surgery)
Kid: Disneyland is the best! Thanks Dad I love you
Peter: It was better in Planet of the Apes
(Opening Music)
(The Next Shot, Peter and Cleveland are at the Drunken Clam,Peter is looking sad)
Cleveland: Whats wrong Peter? feeling blue?
Peter: I dont know Cleveland, Im bored out of my mind. I need excitement in my life again.I havent had any since the time with the serial killer
(Peter and a man are chained with hacksaws in a Saw parody)
Man: He doesn't want us to cut through our chains. He wants us to cut through our feet!
(Peter is half way done cutting off his hand)
Peter: I thought this was Evil Dead sorry (He falls from blood loss)
Cleveland: Well maybe you could incorporate it with a new job you havent had a steady one since Mr.Weed died.
Peter: Hey, yeah maybe something in law enforcement. Ive all ways respected them.
(Flash to a scene where Peter is being robbed in front of the Seinfeld gang like in the series finale)
Elaine: See, the great thing about robbing a fat guy is it's an easy getaway. You know? They can't really chase ya!
Cleveland: Maybe you should do something you all ready know how to do?
Peter: Forget it Cleveland,I was only really good at making toys
(Joe, Quagmire,and Brain arrive)
Quagmire: Hey guys whats happening
Peter: I was just talking to Cleveland about getting a job thatd be exciting for me and not too hard.
Cleveland: Ive got it the five of us should all start a business together
Joe: Im game but what would it be
Brain: Maybe we could start a bar
Peter: Yeah itll be just like Cheers!
(Cut to Cheers bar with Sam sitting on a stool in front of Woody)
Sam: God, I'd give anything for a drink. I'd give my god-damned soul for just a glass of beer!
Cleveland: Great we can renovate my deli.
(Next Shot Griffin household morning, Lois and Stewie are preparing breakfast)
Lois: I hope your in the mood for Pancakes Stewie
Stewie: No thank you Lois, Im trying to cut down after the Flappy Jacks incident.
(Lois takes a fork and does the airplane trick)
Lois: Here comes the airplane
Stewie: Please Lois this degrades us both
Peter walks in
Peter: Guess what Lois!
Lois: What?
Peter: I sold the fishing boat, my buddies and I are starting our own bar
Lois: I thought you all ways wanted to be a fisherman
Peter: Yeah but not since I was in that storm with George Clooney
(Cut to a Perfect Storm reference with huge thrashing waves)
George Clooney: Help me Peter
(He falls into the waves)
Peter: See even God hates you for Batman & Robin
Lois: I really wish you could have told me before you did this
Peter: Come on Lois why are you so nervous?
Lois: You get drunk enough as it is Peter and with you owning your own bar itll be much worse.
Peter: Lois it wont be that bad
Lois: Just promise me you wont get drunk and make an ass of your self in front of our children
Stewie: Newsflash Lois he excels at that
(Chris enters the room)
Chris: I dont want to go to school today
Lois: Why not sweetie?
Chris: There's a bully who makes fun of me
Peter: Hes obviously better than you son, so I want you to act exactly like him
Lois: Peter! Chris you have as much right to get an education as he does
Chris: Well what am I going to do?
Peter: Son you need to become a man and solve your own problems, so I want you to stand up to this bully and (Peter takes out a gun) shoot him in between the eyes.
Lois: For Goodness sakes Peter! Chris do you want me to have a talk with the boys parents today?
Chris: Thanks Mom
Peter: Gee where's Meg at?
Stewie: Running away from your bad grammar.
Lois: She got a ride to school
(Cut to Meg in a car with some friends)
Boy: Hey Meg you wanna catch a movie this Saturday?
Megs thoughts to herself: Oh my God I finally have a date!
Meg: Sure Jim what time?
Jim: How about 8? My little brother and I are going to be making fun of some fat kid earlier that day.
Meg in a confused tone: Sounds like fun
(Cut to the site of Cleveland's Deli which is being turned into the bar They have taken a break from working outside)
Joe: What are we going to call our bar?
Cleveland: Well since were using my old Deli I think I should choose
Quagmire: How about we name it something appealing to the ladies?
Brain: Naw that wont work
(Quagmire frowns)
Quagmire: Well at least I still have my bottle of pheromone chemicals.
(Quagmire pours the bottle all over himself and women flock around him)
Quagmire: Oh yeah! (He walks off with the women who came around him)
Peter: Why dont we call it Peters Bar?
Joe: That's no fair we all are in this
Peter: Oh Im sorry what would you rather call it The Cripple's Waterhole?
Joe: You son of a bitch
(Joe jumps out of his wheelchair and punches Peter)
Peter: Okay okay
Cleveland: Why dont we think of a name thats witty and clever
Brain: How about we call it Bottoms Up?
(Cleveland,and Joe laugh)
Peter:I dont know guys nude bars arent that popular these days.
(Brain,Cleveland and Joe wait a few seconds and start up the conversation pretending Peter never made that comment)
Cleveland:Its settled then lets get back to work.Well need to hurry to get this place ready in time.
(Cut to Lois and Stewie going to talk with the bullys parents)
Bullys Mother:Hello can I help you?
Lois:Hello Im Lois Griffin
Bullys Mother:Anna Myles nice to meet you Lois
Lois:Well thank you,could I have a talk with you about your son?
Mrs.Myles:Griffin is it? I believe my son Jim really likes your daughter.
Lois:Meg?
Mrs.Myles:Yes,he told me he was going to ask her to go to the movies with him this Saturday.
Lois:Oh wow
Stewie:Finally her dreams of getting laid are coming true,thank goodness.It will be refreshingly quiet at home now without her blabbering!
Lois:Stewie!
Mrs.Myles:Well did you want to talk to me about Jim?
Lois:No your younger son,hes been picking on my boy Chris and hes very sensitive
Mrs.Myles:Oh you mean Larry? Your son must be the fat kid.
Lois:I beg your pardon! Chris is very sensitive about being overweight.
Mrs.Myles:Well lets just say Larry doesnt like fat kids.
Lois:What is his problem why is he so shallow?
Stewie:Yes people can be cruel.
(Flash to a scene with a group of infamous people and movie characters)
Hitler:Im sorry Stewie your just too young to be on the Council of Evil
Stewie with tears in his eyes,while popping an anti depressant in his mouth:I have to forget that
Mrs.Myles:Ill have a talk with him but Im not making any promises
Lois in an angry tone:Good bye!
(Flash to them walking down the drive-way)
Lois:I dont want Meg going out with that boy knowing how shallow their family is
Stewie:Lois I dont really think thats the brightest of ideas.If you must go threw with it though,I would very much appreciate it if we could stop at the pharmacy for ear plugs.
(Cut to the Griffin dinner table)
Chris:Boy Dad you look like you worked hard today.
Peter:Yeah Son,the Bar will have its Grand opening Friday night.
(Meg comes in)
Meg:Guess what?
Peter:You got an autograph from the dog from Beethoven?
Brain:Where the hell did that come from?
Meg in a sarcastic puzzled tone:No but Im going on my first date this Saturday
Lois over hears this while serving food.
Lois:I dont think you should go out with that boy Meg
Meg:Why Not!
Lois:Now dont get mad at me sweetheart but he has a bad family.His brother is the boy whos been making fun of Chris.
Meg:Why cant Chris just defend himself! Hes such a baby!
Lois:He is your brother young lady!
Peter:Meg you need to protect your siblings from evil just like I did
(Cut to Return of the Jedi final duel but instead of Luke Skywalker its Peter)
Darth Vader:Sister! So...you have a twin sister. Your feelings have now betrayed her, too. Obi-Wan was wise to hide her from me. Now his failure is complete. If you will not turn to the dark side, then perhaps she will.
Peter:NEEEVVVVERRRR!
Brain knowing a huge argument will start:These pork chops are delciouis Lois
Peter:Oh I got to help I shaked she baked
Meg:I hate you I wish I could mov-
Peter:Hold that thought sweetheart Brain and I need to go back to working on our bar
Brain:Peter dont you see you have a domestic crisis here?
Peter:No
Brain:All right Im coming
(Cut to Bottoms Up which is near completition)
Joe:Well be ready to open tomorrow as planned
Brain:Great
Cleveland:Maybe we should print out Grand Opening coupons
Peter:Naw unless..
(Flash forward)
Customer:The coupon says two beers for the price of one
Peter:Im sorry sir it clearly says One beer for the price of two
Customer:Oh Im terribly sorry
Horace the Bartender walks by
Horace:Hey guys whats the matter dont you want to drink at the Clam anymore
Peter:No offense Horace but your a pathetic side character whos all most died like 5 times
Horace:Touche well Ill see ya later
(Peter returns home where Lois is wating for him)
Lois:Peter youve become so obbsessed with your bar you dont think about your kids anymore
Peter:Dont worry Megs all most 21 Ill think about her then
Lois:Damnit Peter whats more important your children or beer!
Peter:Lois why do you all ways have to shatter my dreams!
(Cut to Peter in Freddy Krugers boiler room)
Freddy Kruger:Time to die Fatso
Peter:Oh my God somebody please help me
Freddy:Hahaha
(Suddenly glass falls everywhere)
Peter:AHHHHH
(Flash back)
Lois:Peter what are you talking about?
Peter:I dont know you were saying?
Lois:Peter starting a bar wouldnt have been your dream if your friends didnt say it was,you give in to them too easily
Peter:You may be right Lois you may be right Well goodnight
Lois:Peter this problem isnt going to go away if you ignore it.Chris is being bullied and doesnt know what to do and Meg is thinking about moving in with a boy she hardly knows
Peter:Come on Lois thats spin off potenial there
Lois:You just dont get it do you!
(Lois marches up stairs)
Peter:Lois seems really upset maybe I should quit drinking I mean why did I even start?
(Flashback to a Young Peter and a Beer bottle)
Beer Bottle:Come on Drink me Peter
Peter:No thanks youd cause all sorts of problems with my health
Beer Bottle:Says who?
Peter:Well gee I dont know
Beer Bottle:Come on one little sip wont hurt
Peter:All right but just one
(Flash forward)
Peter:Oh my God Ive ruined my life!
(Stewie appears from the corner)
Stewie:Finally I have it on tape! now to mix it with Lois name
(Next morning at the breakfast table)
Peter: Good morning family
Lois in an angry voice: Hello Peter
Peter: Ive decided to quit drinking
Lois: Peter oh Im so happy!
Brain: What about the bar?
Peter: Ill let Cleveland take care of it
Lois: What are you going to do now Peter?
Peter: Ive decided to write the Great American Novel
Lois: Good for you Peter
Peter: Now Chris is that bully still bothering you?
Chris: No Dad a fatter kid just moved in, Larry picks on him now
(Cut to Chris classroom)
Teacher: Class a new student will be joining us say hello to Jabba Jr(It is Jabba the Hutt only smaller)
Peter: Good news son!
Meg: So this means I can go out with Jim
Peter: It sure does
Meg: Hooray I wont have to move out
Lois: I still dont know
Peter: As long as someone under this roof isnt made fun of its okay
Lois: All right
(Peter sits at typewriter)
Peter: Hmm Great American Novel, I know It was the best of times it was the wo- Ah crap its been done before, Lois Ill be at the new bar
(End credits)