Yeah, so on a splurge, I decided to write a Disneyland fic because I love Disneyland! May be some self-insertion, but . . . yeah.
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or anything pertaining, nor do I own Disneyland. I do, however, own the Lime Green Beast: Lime Sexiness.
The Happiest Place on Earth
No one could have made sadder puppy eyes. But, then again, no one could compare them with anything else, because he was the only one in the room. That, and most of his face was hidden, anyway.
Longingly, he looked over the precious pamphlet and wondered, How could my parents deprive me like this? How could they hide such a big secret from me? How come I never got to look as happy as the children on the front of this pamphlet?
"Hello there, Kakashi!" intruded a most horribly obnoxious voice. Kakashi remained undisturbed, recognizing the voice as his supposed "arch-rival" Gai. "How about another round of rock-paper-scissors? I don't think we ever finished—"
"Shut up, Gai," Kakashi snapped back. Gai recoiled somewhat, began wondering why this normally happy, faceless jounin had suddenly become so defensive. Kakashi continued in a more reverent tone, saying, "This is a holy moment, and you're ruining my worship for me. Go bother someone else—I'm busy, can't you see?"
"Oh, Kaka-kun, I'm so sorry to barge in on your . . . private worship . . . ?" Suspicion arose in his voice at the end of that sentence. Private worship? What the heck did he think he was talking about? Well, apparently, not even he knew, so he thus concluded that Kakashi was at least half lying. "Come, my friend, you can tell me what you're up to! Why don't you just share it with your life-long buddy—"
"It's none of you business, so leave me alone."
"But I—"
"LEAVE IT. And I'm not your 'lifelong buddy,' I'm your supposed 'arch-rival.'"
Gai acted offended, changing his hideously perfect smile into a pouty, boyish face. "Fine! I will, you . . . you . . . uh, LONER! You don't have to be SO MEAN!" Naturally, he attempted to hold back tears and turned to storm out of the room. He'd almost completed his overly dramatic exit when, out of the piercing silence, he heard Kakashi's quiet, hardly audible thoughts.
"Gai, did your parents ever . . ."
Gai turned in wonder.
". . . take you . . ."
More intensely, he anticipated the insult or slash or whatever it would be that would try to bring him down. But NO! Gai would not be insulted by this stupid, lazy, white-haired man! NEVER!!
". . . to—" Before Kakashi could finish, Gai was spitting in his face about the rude comment that he'd supposedly have to take from his worst enemy.
"I TOLD YOU THAT STUPID INSULTS WE USED AS KIDS THAT SLASHED EACH OTHER'S PARENTS AREN'T GOING TO WORK ON US AS ADULTS, BECAUSE WE ARE MUCH MORE MATURE AND OLDER THAN WE WERE AS EIGHT-YEAR-OLDS!!!!"
Gee. Why so defensive?
"Disneyland?"
As if by some forbidden sorcery, Gai's eyes instantly reduced in size and he took his face away from the close proximity it was in only half a second ago. As if that word was some sort of sacred taboo, but . . . That word. That place. It seemed to silence all hostility and bring him back to his childhood when he was a bouncing, baby boy with the adorably boyish, black hair—the Innocent Beast, his parents called him. His eyes suddenly filled with stars at the wonder that began darting through his head upon hearing this word. That magical word . . . but what was it? The word was registered into his memory, but he couldn't remember what it actually was, only that it was . . . magical in some way . . .
"Disneyland? Why . . . it's such a . . . a beautiful word! I've never heard anything like it for almost 23 years! It's like . . . a forbidden fairy tale from my boyhood! A long lost fantasy I haven't remembered until this day!" As he continued his aimless mental meanderings in awe, the look on his face became more excited, cheesy, and entirely boyish. Kakashi looked at him and realized that from that day forward, there would be some sort of barrier between himself and this . . . beast. Gai would forever be his enemy. Why? Because Gai already knew, somehow, what Disneyland was. How could this happen! How could Gai have the opportunity to know about this magical place while Kakashi had to sit at home and be a deprived child training himself to be a ninja all day! After a moment, Kakashi began listening to his most obnoxious opponent still spouting wonders about Disneyland. "Why, Kakashi! How . . . Do you know what that word means? Please tell me! I'm desperate—I cannot remember! It's such a familiar sensation to me, yet . . . I cannot seem to grasp the reality of it! It's all so vague—"
Okay, his ramblings were burrowing deep into Kakashi's nerves. So annoying. "Disneyland, my friend," he said, acting suddenly nice and friendly, "is only the most wonderful place in the world! See—it says right here, on this pamphlet I stole from—"
"Stole?!"
"Er, borrowed from one of the students in Iruka's class—see? It even says it right here: 'The Happiest Place on Earth!' Gai, can you remember being as happy as these children? I can't."
Gai's eyes watered up. "Regretfully, no . . ."
"That's why we jounins are all too serious about everything! That's why were so anal about everything! It's because we were never truly this happy! Gai—something needs to be done about this. We must . . . uh . . ."
"I know!" In a loud exclamation of joy, he hopped up into the air and struck his gay little pose (you know, the one where he sticks his butt out and has one hand in the air and the other over his eye). "In order to prevent this from happening to our students, we must take a field trip to Disneyland!"
Kakashi liked this idea. Delicious. "Exactly what I was thinking! Let's leave now!"
"But wait! We must tell the other teachers!"
Gai was right. Nobody wants an anal student—or worse, three of them. "Alright, then, we'll tell all the instructors—"
"And Iruka! AND IRUKA!!"
"—and Iruka that we're going to Disneyland for a field trip—"
"This weekend! THIS WEEKEND!!"
"Gai, you foolish baka, we can't go this weekend . . ."
The hairy man's excitement slackened at this comment, turning him into a sad, helpless child. Gai wanted to go to Disneyland right now!
". . . we have to go right now!"
Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-nee-whey . . .
Naruto, in the midst of a nap, roamed Dreamland in search for something that could truly make him happy. What that something was, he did not know.
Until, that is, he heard a chant . . . It was saying something, but what?
"Dis-ney Land! Dis-ney Land!"
Disneyland! Of course! That was the key to true happiness! But, what was it?
Naruto finally realized that there was someone pounding at his door, which woke him up and further prevented him from finding out was Disneyland was. Lazily, he rubbed his eyes and walked to the door to see what freak would want him at this hour. Approaching the door, though, he heard the same chanting he'd just heard in Dreamland.
"Dis-ney Land! Dis-ney Land!"
Disneyland? What the heck is that? Even more annoyed, he opened the door. He was instantly affrighted out of his groggy state and assumed that he must still be dreaming, for what he'd just beheld could only be possible in a dream—it was that scary!
"Dis-ney Land! Dis-ney Land!" An apparently confused and demented but extremely enthusiastic Gai jumped up and down on Naruto's doorstep. Gai was wearing, much to Naruto's disgust, a child's T-shirt with a weird-looking mouse on it, shorts, and flip flops that revealed a silly tan—but that wasn't the worst of it. His surprisingly revealing outfit exposed how hairy this man really was. His legs were disgusting, sure, and he had hobbit feet, too, but that could never amount to the happy trail—never mind, the happy planet he sported. Naruto cringed, eyes becoming the size of baseballs.
"You mental case! Why are you in my dream?!" Naruto shouted, spitting everywhere and pointing at this freakish show of exaggerated enthusiasm. "Get out of my dream or I'll seriously annihilate you from existence—and your happy hairy gut, too!"
"Oh, Naruto, you are confused!" Gai squealed. "Disneyland is not a dream, it is truly real!"
Silence (with the exception of Gai's kiddish giggling). Naruto half-cringed in confusion. "What . . . ?"
"Oh, Naruto, Disneyland is the key to all happiness! See—right here! It even says: 'The Happiest Place on Earth!'" Gai flashed the pamphlet in front of the boy's face as if it would suddenly bring him into the same sad state. "It isn't a dream—it's real! And you're coming with us!"
"The Happiest Place on Earth?" Naruto wondered aloud, taking the pamphlet from Gai to examine more closely the vivid joy radiating from it. Those kids on the front . . . they looked so happy. And, as if it were some sacred relic of joy, Naruto's face brightened. This is the key to true happiness? "What is this Disneyland you speak of, Gai-san?"
"Oh, Naruto, you'll be there soon enough to find out! Now, pack your bags and we'll be going there right away!" In a swift and almost desperate snatch, Gai plucked the pamphlet from Naruto's hands and merrily skipped away. Naruto could only try to remember the purity of the sight he'd just beheld of those happy children and wonder about the "Happiest Place on Earth."
"Disneyland . . ." he breathed, exhilarated. The feeling that had overcome Gai seemed to worm its way into Naruto's brain, also (yet not quite to that degree. That would just be scary. "Disneyland . . ."
And, in a sudden rush and scurry, he dashed inside to pack his bags, keeping the vivid memory of those happy children and "The Happiest Place on Earth" fresh in his mind.
"Disneyland . . ."
Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-nee-whey . . .
"Asuma-san . . . Disneyland!"
"Kurenai . . . Disneyland!"
"Sakura-chan . . . Disneyland!"
Yes, like a charm, this word spread rapidly, affecting all those who heard it. It was almost a command that mysteriously said:
Pack your bags, the hour is nigh!
We're heading off to Anaheim!
When midnight comes and all is sound,
We'll meet and gather on happy ground!
Somehow, it was determined that "Happy Ground" led to Gai's apartment complex. Go figure. We all know Gai's secret.
Anyways.
Hurriedly came the swift night, and as all became sound, a scattered group of enthusiastic ninjas moved inaudibly through the streets of Konoha toward "Happy Ground."
Gai waited impatiently, still wearing his atrociously revealing getup. Pacing back and forth as the clock neared midnight, he contemplated on a pressing matter: how shall we get to the airport—we could never walk, it's too far . . .
And it hit him. He would have to bring out the Sexy Lime Green Beast. That would certainly make things easier, but . . . things like Lime Sexiness weren't ever seen in Konoha. Or heard. Lime Sexiness could really be loud sometimes, and wasn't entirely reliable. This would complicate things. Uneasily, he looked to the storage shed close by where he had kept the Beast hidden so well for so many years. My dearest Beast, I must bring you out . . .
"GAI!" a loud whisper came from behind. Gai nearly jumped up and screamed, but resisted. Actually, this throat was sore from screaming about Disneyland all day. He wasn't used to that yet.
"What? Who?" Turing around, he saw Asuma (and, if you've read "Buns in the Boys' Room," you have to know that Gai and Asuma share a very special 'bond.' We won't go into that, though; it's not yaoi, but it's not right, either . . .). Asuma grinned cheesily as Gai released tears of joy.
"Asuma-kun . . . you don't know how happy I am that we're going to the Happiest Place on Earth together!" At such a comment, Asuma also spouted poetically joyful tears and fell into a sobbing embrace with Gai (remember, this is not intended to be yaoi—I promise!!!!!). "Asuma-kun, the Beast . . ."
The bearded man gasped and backed away from the hairy one. "You wouldn't!" Gai only nodded in reply, confirming Asuma's greatest fear of the moment. "The Beast . . . we've kept it hidden for so long! You cannot blow it now! It's too precious, too secret . . . too . . . sexy!"
"Asuma, it has to be done. This is a time of great joy! We cannot let the long trip to the airport upset us and take away the happiness we've already sparked! You know we have to release the Beast! It's the only way to get us there before sunlight, and we need to be unseen!"
Asuma nodded in solemn agreement. "You are right, my friend . . ." A tear.
"Oh, Asuma!" Like two sobbing, emotional, junior high girls, they met in a hug to ease one another's pain. "You knew it would come to this!"
Embarrassingly enough, as the two blubbering "buddies" were sobbing happily away, all of the remaining ninjas had mysteriously appeared, including Rock Lee, who was beginning to get very jealous. "Gai-sensei!" he called, which woke the two men from their trance. Gai was brought to his senses and, when he saw Rock Lee's moistening eyes, he repeated the same act he'd just performed with Asuma on Rock Lee. Typical. Nothing less was expected.
"Gai!" interrupted Kakashi. "It is time! We are all here!" Again, Gai snapped out of that trance and shortly thereafter realized that it was time for everyone to meet the Lime Green Beast, "Lime Sexiness."
I can't believe I'm doing this, the hairy man contemplated. But . . . here goes nothing. "Friends! I know the airport is far from here, and we cannot make the journey on foot before daybreak! So, I have proposed that you meet my beautiful Lime Green Beast . . ." Solemnly, Gai moved over to the storage shed and magically whipped out the key to the padlock from . . . well, nowhere, apparently. All the ninjas looked onward, confused and lost in a pool of mixing happiness and sadness.
"Gai . . . you wouldn't . . ." whispered a melancholy, but anxious Asuma. He knew it had to be done, and so it would.
"Behold, the sheer beauty and shiekness of . . ." he unlocked the padlock, turned toward the crowd and tearfully bore a mighty grin. He knew it had to be done, but he never wanted to believe it. I'm sacrificing one great thing for another, he comforted himself. In slow motion, he looked over the crowd, then back at Asuma who, in melancholy truth, turned his tearful face away from Gai. Oh, Asuma, forgive me . . . He looked back to the crowd. This is it. A climatically dramatic moment (otherwise, it wouldn't be in slow motion).
"Gai . . ." Asuma whimpered, only audibly for Gai to hear.
Proudly and boldly, Gai finished his previous sentence off with a dramatic strain of tears and emotion.
"Lime Sexiness!"
And the Beast was released, after almost 10 years in captivity.
Yeah, I know it gets a little long at the end, but you'll soon find out exactly what "Lime Sexiness" is, and what it has to do with Gai and Asuma. There will be a fic coming out soon about what happened between Gai and Asuma so I can explain everything that's going on, and it'll even have "Lime Sexiness" in it. Please R&R!
Oh, and by the way, the "Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-nee-whey . . ." you see in here is supposed to be like on Ace Ventura II: When Nature Calls. You know how when he's meditating and he sings the "Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-lrigh-tee then" thing? Yeah, that's what it is, but it's saying "anyway" instead of "alrighty then." It's a break in the story. Just so you know.