If anyone's wondering who the 'Lair' pairing refers to, I made it up. LuciusXhis hair. Sevini is Severus/Nagini (starts in chapter five)

"I'm bored," Nagini announced, striding into the parlor where Voldemort and Bellatrix sat, 'reading,' and promptly tripped over a sofa. Bellatrix responded by throwing her book at the human serpent.

"Hey!"

"Medicine kit's in the bathroom," Bellatrix said, "You're not bored anymore, now, see?"

"Bellatrix!" Voldemort said, "You can't just go around doing that . . ."

"Watch me - um, of course, my Lord."

"Honored as I am by your worry for me," Nagini said, now half sprawled over the sofa, foot on her head as another would put their hand to an injury, "I can defend myself."

"You aren't doing a very good job of it," Bellatrix said snidely.

"You didn't hurt me enough to put in the effort of getting up," Nagini explained. To demonstrate her point, she made a half-jump, half-squiggle attempt of standing, which resulted in landing in the splits on the ground. "You two don't seem very bored."

"We're not. Now get out," Bellatrix said, while Voldemort's face colored to the point that he matched Severus in pallor.

"We should play Truth or Dare," Nagini suggested.

"Yeah!" Voldemort said. Bellatrix quickly tried to school the revulsion out of her face as she cautiously asked, "With whom?"

"The usuals, I guess," Nagini said, "Severus, Fenrir -"

"You just lost all the support you had there-"

"-Lucius, Wormtail."

"Okay!" Voldemort said, "Bellatrix, I believe you're the only one here with a Dark Mark . . ."

"Must we, my Lord?"

"We must. We can make this up later -"

"But Rodolphus will regrow his blasted-off penis in two days," Bellatrix protested.

"So blast it off again!"

"That's boring. I was planning to use a butter knife, but stupid Lucius took them all, and a regular knife is too quick . . . why are you covering your ears, my Lord?"

"No reason at all, of course. Let's summon the rest here."

"Alright," Nagini said, making no comment on the Dark Lord's inability to hear either dirty words or bloody torture. "OI! LUCIUS! GET DOWN HERE!"

"NO!" came the reply.

"THE DARK LORD COMMANDS YOU!"

"THEN THE DARK LORD SHOULD BE THE ONE . . ." Lucius trailed off as he realized that this likely meant Voldemort was in the room as well, and he didn't want to be disrespectful to his Lord.

"LUCIUS GET DOWN HERE OR I WILL SUMMON YOU HERE BY YOUR HAIR," Bellatrix called pleasantly. Lucius came down.

Lucius' Dark Mark summoned Severus and Wormtail, and Fenrir got the memo as well; within the minute they were reluctantly seated in a circle as Voldemort explained the rules of Truth or Dare.

"Someone asks you a question or tells you to do something, and you have to answer or do something. If you don't, you'll be turned into a baby for a week. Or your patronus form. I think. Or both. Or one or the other. Or a sloth . . . oh, whatever. I'll go first," Voldemort said, "Um . . . Nagini, truth or dare?"

"Dare!"

"Eat an entire bottle of mustard," Voldemort commanded. Nagini jumped up - her walking abilities were cured along with her boredom - and ran to grab the bottle.

"How do you open it?"

"Lid's on the top," Voldemort said, eager to get on with the game. Lucius was making a show of looking away; Fenrir seemed almost excited.

"I know that. It won't open."

"You aren't opening it."

"Yes, I am."

"Whatever. Give it here." Voldemort opened the bottle of mustard, which Nagini took and happily began to squirt into her mouth.

"This stuff is gross, you know."

"It's not nearly as gross as you talking with your mouth full," Lucius said.

"Serves you right."

"For what?"

"Lucius, truth or dare!"

"Truth," Lucius said immediately. He didn't want to see what one of Nagini's dares would be.

"Hm . . . what's the most disgusting thing that's ever happened to you?"

Lucius closed his eyes briefly at the pain of the memory . . . but he didn't want to be turned into a baby. Or a sloth. "Fenrir . . . filthy werewolf . . . he dipped my . . . my beautiful . . . my . . ."

"Get on with it!"

"Hedippedmyhairintoapoolofbloodonthefloor," Lucius admitted. Half the Death Eaters started laughing at this; the other half simply looked nonplussed.

"You never get blood on your hair?" Bellatrix asked. "All the torturing you used to do . . "

"I use magical protective charms on it!" Lucius said, "That was disgusting! And he touched it, too! Fenrir touched my hair!"

"I would go and lick it, too, but my ears are damaged enough from Bellatrix' torture victims."

"You're disgusting!" Lucius wailed, leaping backwards. "Stay away from me, werewolf! Stay away from me and my precious locks!"

"Oooh, this is so tempting . . ." Fenrir whined.

"Lucius, you have to ask someone," Voldemort said.

"Severus, truth or dare?"

Severus hesitated only a fraction of a second. "Dare."

"Please do make it interesting," Nagini added.

"Cruel," Bellatrix said, "Oooh, and bloody. Lots of blood."

"Okay," Lucius started to imagine the cruelest thing he could think of. "Severus, I dare you to allow Greyback to lick your hair."

Fenrir recoiled. "I'm not putting my mouth on that!"

Severus raised an eyebrow. "Impressive. Alright, Fenrir, I give you full permission to lick my hair."

"I'm good, thanks."

"Excellent. Bellatrix, truth or dare?"

"Dare."

"Imitate either Nagini or Lucius for the next seven rounds."

Well, that didn't sound too bad . . . until Bellatrix realized Nagini was sitting in a sideways split and Lucius was rocking back and forth, trembling and trying to protect his hair.

"Lucius, you are going to do exactly as I do for the next seven rounds," she commanded.

"It's not your turn," he returned.

"Yes, but you still will, because if you don't, I will cut off your hair as you sleep," Bellatrix explained. Lucius gasped.

"You wouldn't dare!"

"Oh yes I would. Now imitate me. Now, Lucius."

"That's cheating," Nagini protested.

"No, it isn't," Bellatrix snapped, "I'm doing exactly as he's doing."

"Which he's doing on your orders."

"That had nothing to do with the dare!"

"That's ridiculous!"

"Shut up, Nagini! My Lord, truth or dare?"

"Dare." The Dark Lord didn't want to look weak when all his followers, save Lucius, had chosen dare. And whatever Bellatrix did wouldn't be so bad . . . right?

"Then I dare you to . . . order all your male Death Eaters and Alecto to wear pink robes for a month."

"Oh, the blissful merits of not having the Mark . . ."

"And yes, Greyback and Nagini count, too."

"Bellatrix, that is amazing. All of Fenrir's Muggles can go to you."

"What!? That's not fair, I haven't had a chance to dare someone yet . . . uh, my Lord," Fenrir protested.

"Yes, but yours wouldn't be as amazing as mine," Bellatrix said.

"Do we have to wear robes?" Nagini asked.

"You'd think after lobbying to go naked for months and wielding no results would tell you something," Voldemort said.

"Hey, I haven't been 'lobbying to go naked' - I just find clothes both ugly and impractical."

"Whatever. Wormtail, truth or dare?"

"T-truth, my Lord."

"Hm, let's see . . . you were young when you joined up. Why did you become an Animagus?"

"Because . . ." Wormtail faltered. The answer to that wouldn't win him any friends - unless Severus had spread rumors about him, few knew that he had been friends with Harry's father, one of Bellatrix's most hated enemies, and a werewolf - although whether Fenrir would take the story as a compliment or an insult, he was unsure.

It was then that Wormtail discovered the blessing of ambiguity.

"I thought it was cool, and my friends wanted me to, and I was also theoretically helping a friend."

"Bit more specific, please?" Voldemort asked.

"Do, pray tell," Severus added, "I'm sure this is a tale Bellatrix would love to hear . . ."

"Greyback, truth or dare," Wormtail squeaked, not keen to get into a fight with Bellatrix.

"Dare. And make it good."

There were a lot of good dares, Wormtail realized, werewolf-related or not . . . but he didn't need Fenrir lusting for his blood as well. Nagini's Animagus fetish (taste-wise), combined with Severus' hatred for him (the reasons for this he never fully understood), and Bellatrix's decision that he failed at everything in life, and therefore it would be kinder for him to lack one was troublesome enough.

"Lick Snape's hair." Wormtail longed to backtrack the minute he saw their expressions. Severus was vengeful. "Or Lucius'. That's okay, too."

"You're sick, Wormtail," Fenrir snarled. But this was also too fun an opportunity to pass up. Fenrir leaped towards Lucius, who was dutifully batting his eyelashes at Voldemort, and dragged his tongue up Lucius' shimmery blonde mane.

Unsurprisingly, Lucius let out an ear-piercing shriek.

"Bellatrix," Severus hissed.

"Oh, right. Lucius!"

"What?"

"Act like me, remember?"

"Bella, the worst thing in the entire world has happened to me, you cannot simply expect-" the rest of his sentence was cut off as Bellatrix slapped him. No one calls Bellatrix Bella.

Meanwhile, Fenrir reacted almost as dramatically.

"Oh, god, that's disgusting! I'll have to eat raw meat for a month to get this stench away . . . what the hell did you put in there, Lucy? Tasted like cleaning products."

"I put conditioner in it!" Lucius wailed. "And straightener! And it will never be the same again! You've ruined it, filthy werewolf!"

"Come on, you've probably got dragon spit or something else already in those hair products," Nagini said, trying to be consoling. "So another magical creature doesn't really hurt . . . I could add my spit, too, if you'd like."

"Don't," Fenrir advised. "It's . . . that is . . . not something you'd like to have on your mouth," he finished. Voldemort reacted badly to swearwords.

"NOOOOO!" Lucius wailed. "MY HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIR!"

"Bellatrix!"

"Shut up, I'm acting like Nagini!"

"I don't see you doing the splits."

"OW! That was seriously unwarranted - you could have just asked."

"She's not doing the splits, either."

Fenrir returned from wherever he had gone to find a slab of raw meat to find Lucius still wailing, Nagini twisting herself into some sort of pretzel, Bellatrix glowering at the both of them, Wormtail trembling, and Severus and Voldemort watching from the corner of the room. This was going to be a long game . . .

Probably not my best, but what the hell. Review? Oh, and if you happen to have any interesting dares you'd like me to incorporate, I'd be more than happy to comply!