DISCLAIMER: No, I don't own CSI. If I did, there would be no reason for me to write this story because the "inspiration" for it would never have occurred in the first place :)
xOx
NO MORE OFFERS
xOx
There will be no dinner offer for me. Granted, I had only been worth a plant when I had threatened to leave three years ago but whatever the case, this time around I'm leaving Las Vegas and there's nothing Gil Grissom can say or do that will change my mind.
I think it comes down to the fact that I'm simply sick and tired of making excuses for him. He's not getting involved with you because he's socially inept, he doesn't want to risk his job, he doesn't want to get hurt. I had respected his hesitations, really, I had. Heck, that's the only reason I'm still here. But you know what, enough is enough. There's only so much a girl can take before it just isn't worth her time or her effort.
I'd always put Grissom's inability to use his mouth to formulate words around me down to him feeling something for me and simply being unable to express that, what with his social ineptitude and all. Sure, at times, it really tested my patience but in the end, I would silently forgive him and as much as I hate to admit this, I would go to bed, smiling, thinking it was all sort of sweet.
I hate to admit that now because it makes me sound pathetic and if there is one thing I promised myself when my mother killed my father, it was that I would not be pathetic. I mean, after it happened, it would've been all so easy to write depressing poetry in my diary about wanting to kill myself, to scream out to the world about how cruelly life had treated me. No, I decided I would be strong. I would go to school, study and make something of myself so that I could get a job and help those whose lives were worse than mine.
Thinking over these past vows, I realised today that I was undermining my principles for him. I had become one of those annoying school-girls who pined after boys that had clearly indicated they were not interested. And I had despised those sort of girls while at school. To give them some credit, I can see now that it's not so easy to simply turn off your feelings for someone. I know very well that I won't just forget about him when I leave Vegas. There'll be nights when I might even have a good cry about what could've been but never will be. In the morning though, I will wake up and I will get on with my life. I have to retain some sort of dignity after realising these last five years have been a waste.
It may sound harsh but it's true. In five years, Grissom has never seriously asked me out to dinner. It's not because he's one of those men who wants the woman to take charge, let me assure you, because I did take charge and he rejected me. There was no beating about the bush with his straight-out no. That's why it hurt when I overheard Sophia telling someone she was off to have dinner with Gil Grissom. I told him I was leaving the lab, and all of a sudden, he's asking me out to dinner. I've got to hurry, we're meeting outside the Lemon and Lime Seafood Restaurant in half an hour.
It's funny, how you react to unexpected news. I immediately thought about all the people who use violence in this world to torture others. I thought about what a waste that was, using guns and knives when words had the power to inflict just as much pain and suffering on a person. The only difference was that those who had weapons used against them would probably die and feel no more while those who had words used against them had to live and endure that hurt.
For five whole minutes, my mind, body and soul were overcome with unbearable pain. As a scientist, I knew the heart couldn't break but as a woman who had been in love for almost a decade, my heart was being torn apart. With each little rip came a cascade of tears, until I reached a point where I thought I would be unable to breathe. It was the longest five minutes of my life, feeling more like the five years I had spent in Las Vegas loving Gil Grissom.
Then out of the blue, I started to laugh. All the excuses I had created for him were replaying in my head, and each one was being refuted big-time. Grissom was so socially inept that, at this very moment, he was preparing to go out to dinner. What was even more ironic was that he had been the one to propose the whole idea. Socially inept, my arse. If he could say the words to Sophia, then he could have said the words to me. It's as simple as that, and no-one is going to tell me otherwise.
Don't get me wrong, I understand that it would have been hard for him to ask if it was meant to come across as a romantic gesture. But you know what, I didn't expect that! To begin with, I would have been very much content if he'd simply asked me as a friend. That's all I was asking, I mean, I would assume that I still warranted as a friend, but after five years, he couldn't even do that.
There's so much he couldn't do, as I found out when I overheard him interrogating Lurie. Or rather, spilling his heart out to a stranger. That's what was so frustrating. He could never confide in me. He could blatantly reject my dinner proposal, but he could never just as blatantly tell me why he was afraid of beginning a relationship with me. Well, damn you, Grissom, you're not the only one with insecurities, you're not the only one who's ever been afraid of getting hurt in a relationship!
It was the whole idea of getting hurt in a relationship which made the proverbial light bulb flash in my head. Grissom is a coward! I mean, we're both his subordinates, so he can't tell me that he didn't pursue a relationship with me on that basis. It's just that I'm the one with the issues who he thought was staying around, while Sophia is free of baggage and supposedly leaving, thus eliminating the risk of getting hurt in the long run if they decide to "extend their dinner".
Sidle, I thought, that is profound! Indeed, it made me regard him in a whole new light. My respect for him diminished a bit. You see, I don't think much of men who only pursue the relationships they know probably won't go very far. It doesn't say much about that person if he's prepared to go out with a woman he's known for a few months while deciding to totally ignore a woman he's known for a few years because he's got more to lose. Never mind the fact that he used to flirt with her, invade her personal space, send her signals that seemed to indicate he was attracted to her.
Suddenly, I figured out the enigma that is Gil Grissom. Famous entomologist, brilliant criminalist, learned philosopher and when it comes to relationships, a pig. And I gave up on pigs a long time ago. I guess I just gave him too much credit sometimes. He's just like every other man I've ever been involved with. He captivated me with his charms and then he'd string me along, making sure that he got what he wanted but ultimately, having no regard for my feelings. If he beckoned, he knew I'd come running and so we danced around each other. Pathetic, Sara, pathetic.
You know, they may be having a professional dinner for all I know but, Sophia can have him. His behaviour is offensive to the both of us. Besides, I have other issues to worry about. After my spout of jealousy upon seeing Grissom and Sophia together earlier today faded somewhat, I felt so dreadfully tired. I realised I just don't have the energy to be jealous with everything else that's going on in my life. I have other priorities and I just don't have the time and the effort to dedicate myself to chasing after Grissom anymore. I admit, I thought he was prepared to help me sort through my issues after I confessed my past to him, but I can see now I was wrong.
It doesn't matter. I've faced things by myself for pretty much my whole life, and I'll survive doing the same thing this time around. However, I need to leave Vegas to do it. I have to put things into perspective, to regain my focus and to see things clearly without Grissom clouding the picture. But I'm not leaving without a last hurrah. Right now, I'm seated at a corner table at the Lemon and Lime Seafood Restaurant. When he and Sophia arrive, I will make sure we talk. He's hurt me so much, too much, and tonight, he'll get a taste of his own medicine.
xOx
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
So I thought I'd jump on the bandwagon and add a post ep for Unbearable. I haven't actually seen it, we're only up to Down the Drain in Oz. I've read enough though to know that if I was Sara, I would be feeling very, very bitter and hurt. Hope some of those feelings come through in this. As a result of all the dealing with feelings, I'll post up the confrontation part as another chapter. In the meantime, please review :)