Notes: This is my first ever fan fiction so please read and review!! And a
big thanks to Jenn for being my beta.
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and such belongs to J. K. Rowling, I only own my story.
Reflections
As he stood staring at the grave, Severus Snape felt quite disgusted with himself. He had never been one to feel guilty and he had no idea what had caused this sudden surge of it.
"Well, it is my fault that he's dead," Snape mused as he stared at the elaborate and slightly garish tombstone of Regulus Black.
And with that thought, Snape felt the normal surge of anger and frustration that he normally felt at the mention of Regulus.
"Idiot boy, you don't just tell the Dark Lord you've changed your stance on things," he spat at the grave.
Snape didn't actually know the exact wording Regulus had used to give his resignation to Voldemort, but the very fact that he had done so was still incredulous to Snape. Not that he himself hadn't been going through a similar change of heart at the time, but he'd had more sense.
At that, Snape smiled bitterly that his own "sense" had led him to turn spy. A thing that if the Dark Lord ever discovered would be punished in a far more painful way than having Avada Kedavra administered by a faithful Death Eater.
So when years ago Snape had been designated that task of taking care of Regulus Black, he had done so without guilt. And even as Regulus had begged for his life, Snape had felt little pity, only frustration that the boy had left the Dark Lord out of fear instead of the realization that he'd been wrong.
Snape had noticed the change in himself months before noticing what he had thought had been a similar one in Regulus. It hadn't been nightmares of victims screaming in pain as he tortured them or their faces as they died. He hadn't even been bothered by the thought of getting caught by the Ministry. After all, the Dark Lord was tremendously powerful and no one seemed to be able to offer any form of resistance. Nor did any of the other reasons that Regulus had given him that night. It was rather just a simple realization that it was wrong. That everything that the Dark Lord and his followers were saying was just wrong.
That notion hadn't come to him overnight, rather he felt himself internally disagreeing with what Volemort or Lucius or Bellatrix or whoever else he was talking to wasn't right. He had signed on for the power, he was a Slytherin after all, and he had taken the torturing and the killing as one of the necessary steps to attaining power. And that was the fundamental fact that he realized was wrong and disconcertingly enough, Snape had also begun to feel that maybe it wasn't worth it anyway.
And around the time that he had started to notice Regulus's uneasiness, he himself had been trying to think of an escape plan. He knew that he had gone too far in to just suddenly quit, the mark on his left arm proved that, but he also knew that he could no longer continue. He had pondered going to Regulus so that maybe that could think of a plan together. But then Regulus had gone and told Voldemort whatever idiot excuse he had come up with.
And Voldemort, who must have sensed some change in him, had ordered him to "handle" Regulus. And he had done so, the very idea of turning spy and possibly preventing the murder hadn't even occurred to him. He wouldn't even think of becoming a spy for the other side until...
Snape quickly shook himself out of his memories and again addressed the grave.
"I'm sorry," he said. "Not sorry that I killed you, mind you, but sorry that you didn't see the truth before it had to happen. Or that you didn't at least realize that the good side always wins. Oh yes, they lose up until that point, until that one decisive moment, but they always win. And thank you. Your death, foolish as it was helped me some. And I forgive you. Yes, I forgive you, you idiot boy, for always being a reminder that I was going to change sides. For always forcing me to see on your face the same thing that I was feeling inside...and I hope that he had the time to forgive you as well."
At that, Severus Snape turned from the grave and began to head back to Hogwarts. Though he felt less guilty about Regulus, the realization of what had caused that guilt now plagued him.
"Because there aren't anymore Blacks," he muttered darkly.
Of course, Dumbledore had been right again, but Snape damned well wasn't going to let him know. And he certainly wasn't going to take that man's other piece of unwanted advice. He wasn't going to turn into some sentimental and guilt-ridden fool who went about visiting the graves of his childhood enemies turned unwilling allies.\
He was busy. He had to fight a war that his side was bound to lose for a while longer.
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and such belongs to J. K. Rowling, I only own my story.
Reflections
As he stood staring at the grave, Severus Snape felt quite disgusted with himself. He had never been one to feel guilty and he had no idea what had caused this sudden surge of it.
"Well, it is my fault that he's dead," Snape mused as he stared at the elaborate and slightly garish tombstone of Regulus Black.
And with that thought, Snape felt the normal surge of anger and frustration that he normally felt at the mention of Regulus.
"Idiot boy, you don't just tell the Dark Lord you've changed your stance on things," he spat at the grave.
Snape didn't actually know the exact wording Regulus had used to give his resignation to Voldemort, but the very fact that he had done so was still incredulous to Snape. Not that he himself hadn't been going through a similar change of heart at the time, but he'd had more sense.
At that, Snape smiled bitterly that his own "sense" had led him to turn spy. A thing that if the Dark Lord ever discovered would be punished in a far more painful way than having Avada Kedavra administered by a faithful Death Eater.
So when years ago Snape had been designated that task of taking care of Regulus Black, he had done so without guilt. And even as Regulus had begged for his life, Snape had felt little pity, only frustration that the boy had left the Dark Lord out of fear instead of the realization that he'd been wrong.
Snape had noticed the change in himself months before noticing what he had thought had been a similar one in Regulus. It hadn't been nightmares of victims screaming in pain as he tortured them or their faces as they died. He hadn't even been bothered by the thought of getting caught by the Ministry. After all, the Dark Lord was tremendously powerful and no one seemed to be able to offer any form of resistance. Nor did any of the other reasons that Regulus had given him that night. It was rather just a simple realization that it was wrong. That everything that the Dark Lord and his followers were saying was just wrong.
That notion hadn't come to him overnight, rather he felt himself internally disagreeing with what Volemort or Lucius or Bellatrix or whoever else he was talking to wasn't right. He had signed on for the power, he was a Slytherin after all, and he had taken the torturing and the killing as one of the necessary steps to attaining power. And that was the fundamental fact that he realized was wrong and disconcertingly enough, Snape had also begun to feel that maybe it wasn't worth it anyway.
And around the time that he had started to notice Regulus's uneasiness, he himself had been trying to think of an escape plan. He knew that he had gone too far in to just suddenly quit, the mark on his left arm proved that, but he also knew that he could no longer continue. He had pondered going to Regulus so that maybe that could think of a plan together. But then Regulus had gone and told Voldemort whatever idiot excuse he had come up with.
And Voldemort, who must have sensed some change in him, had ordered him to "handle" Regulus. And he had done so, the very idea of turning spy and possibly preventing the murder hadn't even occurred to him. He wouldn't even think of becoming a spy for the other side until...
Snape quickly shook himself out of his memories and again addressed the grave.
"I'm sorry," he said. "Not sorry that I killed you, mind you, but sorry that you didn't see the truth before it had to happen. Or that you didn't at least realize that the good side always wins. Oh yes, they lose up until that point, until that one decisive moment, but they always win. And thank you. Your death, foolish as it was helped me some. And I forgive you. Yes, I forgive you, you idiot boy, for always being a reminder that I was going to change sides. For always forcing me to see on your face the same thing that I was feeling inside...and I hope that he had the time to forgive you as well."
At that, Severus Snape turned from the grave and began to head back to Hogwarts. Though he felt less guilty about Regulus, the realization of what had caused that guilt now plagued him.
"Because there aren't anymore Blacks," he muttered darkly.
Of course, Dumbledore had been right again, but Snape damned well wasn't going to let him know. And he certainly wasn't going to take that man's other piece of unwanted advice. He wasn't going to turn into some sentimental and guilt-ridden fool who went about visiting the graves of his childhood enemies turned unwilling allies.\
He was busy. He had to fight a war that his side was bound to lose for a while longer.