Not worthy of your love
Prompts in Panem: Seven Deadly Sins week - Pride
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Not worthy of your love.
Those were the words I kept repeating inside my head.
No one is worthier than Finnick Odair.
He was a Victor, the youngest one to win the Hunger Games, since its inception. It was an honor to be chosen to be as one of his "potential" girls.
My goal had been to be the Girl, for the rest of his life.
His bronze hair, and sea-foam eyes were just perfect. Along with his built physique, with defined abs, and no spot of misplaced hair anywhere. Finnick Odair was Panem's every girl's dream man. For he was a man now, not some stumbling idiot teenager boy, with no manners or charisma to boast about!
I tried to hide my infatuation, only my sister and my best friend Madge knew.
This was my once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
The Victors were going to visit all the districts, and Finnick was scheduled to take part in our annual dance.
I wasn't to keen on being on TV, for all of Panem to see, but I had to suck it up and face my fears, for this would get me within walking distance to him…
All of the boys were beyond annoyed, as girls swooned over posters of the event. Gale Hawthorne was the most vocal, saying he would boycott the event by rallying up all the male population in secret for a counterattack design to prove the Capitol had nothing but lies behind all the glamour and spectacle.
I simply rolled my eyes when he came to me in the woods, as we gathered our traps and our game.
"Come on, Catnip! I was so sure you of all people would be with me on this. I mean it is all a hoax, smoke and mirrors, for people to forget what the Hunger Games really are. Are you saying you have forgotten what happened in last year's Games? Did you forget that girl being torn apart in front of our very eyes? What if she had been Prim, Katniss? WHAT THEN? WOULD YOU CARE THEN?"
I punched in his arm and hushed him. His labored breathing could still be heard, and the snapping of twigs and flapping of wings, as animals fled the vicinity.
Fucking Gale.
"Nice going there, Gale. I get what you're trying to say, but going against the Capitol over a silly dance is just asking for it. More than one person would surely die for such an uproar. Think on that, before you impulsively act out 'cause of your own failings. You are just jealous. Admit it, Gale. It burns you that every single girl you've taken to the slag heap is dreaming of a night dancing with Finnick Odair…"
Gale frowned down at me, but then his face changed into a cocky smirk.
"So… does that mean you are looking forward to a night with the grinning idiot? CATNIP! OMG!"
His try at fangirling just made us both laugh. It was simply too ridiculous to imagine, Katniss Everdeen swooning at Odair's feet.
If only he knew…
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"KATNISS! KATNISS! Look! You have to see this! It is the official announcement of the coming events in the remaining districts… I think Finnick is gonna be there!"
My mother shook her head, and kept knitting in the ratty old sofa in our living room. I tried to keep my smile from my face, as I sat beside Prim. She kept bouncing beside, full of excitement. I wasn't going to be the one reminding her she was too young to participate in the dance.
Caesar Flickerman came on stage, all smiles and waving to his devoted fans.
"Ladies and Gentlemen! I'm proud to announce the following dates for the Victors' Tour around our beloved Panem. And here to help me with the task is our most coveted victor in decades… Finnick Odair!"
Prim jumped up and ran for the TV screen, as if she could touch him through it. My mom reprimanded her, and told her to sit back down. Prim looked at me, and I hugged her close to me. In her ear, I whispered, "Don't fret little Duck, you will get to see him once he's here. Who knows you might get his autograph…"
"Oh you think so? Really, Kat? I would die… every girl in my class would be totally jealous. You think you can get me close to him? He's so… beautiful."
Beautiful.
Yes, he was the most beautiful man I had ever seen.
And he would be mine.
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Madge kept looking round and round. Every angle, every aspect of my dress was under her scrutiny. I knew it wasn't the best or most expensive fabric, but there was so much I could make do with my trading in the Hob. Even dear old Greasy Sae had helped me with choosing the right material from what was in stock.
It was the biggest surprise to my mother, when I asked her to make a dress for me. Her eyes stared right into mine, widened in shock. It was completely out of character of me to ask for a dress. The fabric was a light blue, with a some lace detail. She touched it, and then smiled at me.
"You have finally grown up, Katniss. You are no longer my little tomboy. Your father would have been scared shitless… I'll do my best."
And here I stood, inside the mayor's daughter's room, looking at myself in the mirror. Madge wanted to do my hair and make-up, and we would walk to the town square together, right to where the dance would be held.
"Well? Does it look all right? Say something, Madge!"
"I think your mother is a miracle worker, with what she had to work with. You look stunning, Kat. I think you should let your hair down… and I might tackle your face. Delly is coming over too, once she's done getting ready herself. She said Rye, Peeta's brother was joining Gale in their dance strike. She was furious with him… I think there's love there, right under the surface. I think Peeta is going to the dance… he might get himself beaten up, if they catch him."
I was smoothing down my skirt, as she kept rambling on about things I didn't care.
"You know Kat… I think Peeta Mellark has a crush on you. I mean, he is always staring from afar… he's in all your classes. When you leave school, there he is looking straight out you. And I'm pretty sure he's girlfriend dumped him… What's her name? She's a bitch and so wrong for him. So good for him, you know? I think he would be perfect for you, Kat. I mean, he's so sweet and caring. You need someone like that in your life, to mellow you out. You can't lead your life thinking, all men are like Gale Hawthorne."
I glared at Madge.
"Don't be a hypocrite, Madge. You know that if Gale gave you the time of day, a smirk and a wink, you would so go to the slag heap with him. I've never harbored such feelings for him. I mean, that's just disgusting. He's like my older brother, who's lived right next door, all my life."
Her tongue poked out at me, and she continued brushing my hair, as if nothing was wrong with the world.
Once she had completed, I wanted to punch her in the face, with all the hair pulling and plucking. She might as well join the Peacekeepers, with her torturing skills.
"Done! Look at yourself, Katniss! You are going to be the best looking girl, next to me, of course!"
My eyes stood out most of all, as she had enhanced them with the black liner. My lips looked soft, in a pink hue. What I was lacking was jewelry. I sighed in disappointment. Somehow, Madge read my expression, and rummaged in her drawers.
"Here! This will go perfectly with your dress. Go on! Put in on, Kat."
"Just borrowing it, Madge. It is your mother's."
She simply shrugged.
"She doesn't need it anymore. All she needs are painkillers, that simply prolong her life. Your mother is so good to her. I'm sure my father has his next wife picked out already. But tonight is a happy occasion and we are not going to spend it talking about depressing stuff. Where the hell is Delly? She should be here by now… Let's go, I'm sure we'll meet with her on the way."
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Town square was replete with every girl in the District 12, it didn't matter if you were merchant or from the Seam, everyone had come to see the dance… and Finnick Odair. It was clear some parents had decided to chaperone the dance, and were standing in the sidelines. I could see that the Peacekeepers were also in attendance, with Cray and Darius, drinking and eating from the refreshments table. Unfortunately, Cray's wandering eye made me out of the crowd, and gave me his slimy toothy smile. It made my skin crawl.
Delly was nowhere in sight. And so where Gale and Rye Mellark. Hopefully those two were drunk somewhere faraway from here. Some couples of our class were already dancing, as well as the fifteen year olds were watching with envy. They made me think of Prim, back at home, probably stumping around, driving my mother crazy.
One day, she would get her heart's wishes, but tonight… tonight it was my night.
Madge started talking to some of her friends, so I let her be. Standing on the side of the dance-floor, I kept looking beyond, hoping to see a glimpse of his bronze head, his blinding white teeth, and those green eyes of his.
Nothing.
Effie Trinket's wig was all over the place tonight. She was standing beside, a not yet fully drunk, Haymitch Abernathy. Her eyes were all for him, as he averted his gaze elsewhere. It was clear to everyone else around them, that this weird creature of a woman had the hots for the drunkard. Inexplicably. Maybe Capitol men were not to her liking. Who knows.
As I gazed back where I had left Madge, she wasn't there anymore. She wasn't dancing either. Who I did see dancing was Bristel, my nemesis. For some unknown reason, she had hated me since primary school, but as we got older her insult grew in intensity. She wasn't dancing with Peeta, so I guess what Madge had said was true. The rest of her words, I wasn't going to think about, for Peeta wasn't who I wanted. He was just a baker's son, the third son, destined to work for his brother, living off his charity.
Mr. Mellark was a good man, as I had traded with him in the past. He liked my squirrels. His wife… she was just as well-mannered as Bristel.
I couldn't really say a bad word about Peeta. And, yes I had to admit he was handsome, with his azure orbs and corn silk hair… Shit. Stupid Madge. I'm getting just as bad, as Prim. Deciding on drinking something to pass the time, as I was about to turn something, or more precisely someone blocked my way. I was about to scream my head off, for I was sure it had to be Gale, with his stupid strike.
But it wasn't.
And it was no Finnick Odair either.
"K-Katnisss… Hi."
Someone, who otherwise is known for his eloquence was practically standing in front of me, tongue-tied.
"Hey… Hi, Peeta. How are you? I was just-"
"Wouldyouliketodance?"
What?
"Sorry…What did you say?"
His visage got all red, and his eyes were no longer staring at me, but now looking very determinedly at the ground. Taking a deep breath, and apparently getting some needed courage, Peeta Mellark made eye contact, and this time didn't stutter or hesitate.
"I said, would you like to dance?"
I was now the bumbling idiot, with mouth agape, with no real words coming out of it.
"I-I just….what… thirsty…dance."
He had found his confidence, for now he graced me with his signature smiles. It was warming and endearing, but he wasn't the one. It wasn't this night. No, he wasn't going to ruin my plan.
Not worthy of your love.
"You are not him. Sorry, Peeta. I'm sure there are other girls interested in dancing with you, tonight. Now, excuse me, for I'm a bit thirsty."
This time I didn't stammer, and delivered the words with no pause. No trace of his smile remained. His eyes had lost their brightness. His mouth opened and closed for a few seconds, but he simply made his mind not to utter a single word in the end. A simple nod was all he gave in response, and left me standing there… feeling worse than ever.
Not worthy of your love.
He didn't dance with anyone else. I was sure, he left the dance. I noticed Madge had watched from the dance-floor, as she had found someone to dance with. I could see she shook her head and turned to speak to her partner, who suspiciously looked a bit much like Gale.
Not worthy of your love.
For the rest of the night, I kept to myself waiting for the moment, my moment, that wouldn't come. Right in the middle of the dance, Effie Trinket took the microphone to make a very important announcement.
"Welcome! Welcome District 12! I hope you are enjoying the festivities, but I have to interrupt to bring breaking news from the Capitol. Our dear Victor, Finnick Odair, won't be joining us via hovercraft for he… has gotten ENGAGED to a fellow victor, the lovely miss Annie Cresta, from District 4. Let's all celebrate the happy couple, who will soon be welcoming their first child. May the odds be ever in your favor!"
Every single word that came out of her mouth after "won't be joining us" punched deeper, inside me. It wasn't supposed to be like this. He was meant to come here. The Victors had been divided among the districts, and Finnick Odair had been destined to come here… and meet me. I was his girl.
Many of the girls present, finding out he wasn't coming started to leave in droves. Effie might as well be called the party popper. Haymitch didn't wait to slur his words, as he tried to contain his bouts of laughter. Effie wasn't amused and was about to retake the stage and announce her outrage.
"Get over here! Let's go to my house and keep partying there! I wanna see your moves…over my hips, Fie. It is time you and I get better acquainted."
"Mitch! Shut up! I can't bring you anywhere! Let's go, then!"
Mr. Abernathy grabbed her derriere, pushing her towards the Victor's Village without delay. If I wasn't in the brink of a depression, I would've laughed along with all those whom been witnesses to their comical display.
Since Finnick Odair hadn't shown up, there hadn't been a live feed towards the rest of the districts and the Capitol. The lights were immediately turned off, making the last stragglers leave in a hurry.
And I was left with an empty feeling, staring at the encompassing darkness. I didn't dance once. I didn't drink the punch. I didn't mingle of the rest of my class. I was horrible to someone who had shown real interest in me…
And this was supposed to have been the night of my life.
With tears down my face, I walked home all alone, and my only companion was the cold that rattled my bones.
It turned out, I was not worthy of his love.
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Next day, it was all the District would talk about, even in the Hob. The shopkeeper's daughter was found in a compromising position with the baker's son. It was said they would be married immediately. Sae said, she was almost positive that Delly girl was good as knocked up with a future Mellark blonde boy, with cute dimples on his cheeks.
I acted all indifferent at the gossip, it was no concern of mine. So Peeta had found someone… maybe all he had wanted of me was a good lay, and that's that. Poor Delly had fallen in his trap, with his charming demeanor, rosy cheeks, occasional stammering, and his astonishing blue eyes. If I saw him, I would surely punch him, in the name of the Cartwrights.
After I had done all the trade, I decided to visit Madge, after all Delly was her friend.
"Have you heard? I can't believe Delly would be so foolish as to get caught right in the act. I mean what an amateur… I haven't been able to see her, her mother has locked her up in her room. Cartwrights and Mellarks have been talking about the wedding, all the documents and what-not have been signed and declared in the Justice Building, early this morning. Mrs. Mellark looks furious, but I think Mr. Mellark finds it all extremely hilarious. I just want to hear the story from Del-"
"You find it funny too? Delly, your friend is being publicly humiliated, compared to a seam slut, now forced to marry someone she doesn't love or care for, and why? Because of one mistake, one night. I find all appalling and distasteful. You should be ashamed, Madge."
Madge stared intensely at me, shaking her head at the same-time.
"You don't change, Katniss. Always, high and mighty, in that pedestal, you have set for yourself. Isn't lonely up there? I saw you, and yet you rejected him, with no real reason to do so. You broke his heart. What was one dance, Katniss? Maybe, it would've been life changing, if you would allow yourself to live. Judge all you like, we are all peasants in your eyes. Where is your prince now, Katniss? Where is he?"
"I'll see you at school, tomorrow."
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Prim was playing with Posy in the Hawthorne's backyard, with her goat Lady and Buttercup, her grumpy cat. I watched them through the window. If it had been another day, I would've been with them, watching over. I could see Mrs. Hazelle Hawthorne was tending to her small garden, while keeping watch over the young girls.
I knew Prim was outgrowing these little play dates, and soon would ignore little Posy. I wanted her to keep being dependent of me, so I could protect her from the harsh realities of living in the Seam. I knew it was pointless, with my father's death, with the constant struggle of bringing food on the table, with my mother's vacant stares and lack of affect, like the passing seasons; I was just delaying the inevitable.
Denial.
I was in denial, as well. I put Madge's words in the back of my mind, not thinking over them for the day. Tomorrow, I would apologize and act like everything was back to normal. The dance was over, Finnick Odair was getting married, and I was still Katniss Everdeen, seam-brat without a father, and an emotionally damaged mother, responsible of her younger sister.
"CATNIP!"
I hit my head against the window stop, when I jerked startled by Gale's hollering his nickname for me.
"Shit! Are you okay? I've never been able to sneak up on you… What's got you so scatterbrain? Don't tell me… you have finally fallen in love! With me! I knew it. I'm totally irresistible. It was bound to happen. Mother has been planning our wedding since you were twelve-"
"OW! That hurts, Katniss! Okay, so you're not madly in love with me. Why did you fight with Madge? I thought you guys were best buddies, best friends forever… She was talking to herself when I last saw her, muttering about you and your blind spot, whatever that means. I told her you only see what you want to see, but that's normal teenager angst and you'll get over it. So you are judgmental and entitled, and the world revolves around you… So what, I still love ya."
After slapping him in the head and flicking his ear lobe, Gale still felt the need to say his piece. What caught by surprise was the fact he was talking about Madge, as they were friends.
"How do you know Madge?"
Gale averted his gaze and tried to act indifferent, as he hadn't heard my question, now staring at his sister petting Buttercup, who was enjoying all the attention.
"Are you two seeing each other? How-"
He huffed, and finally relented.
"She's your friend… I've seen her around you, and well, I decided why not try to go out with her. I was pretty sure she would reject me, since I'm no merchant's son with a great career waiting for me, with a home and money secured. Madge simply said yes. We've been inconspicuous, no slag heap, no walking around town square, but we've learned to talk to each other, and yes, other things. I-I really like her, Catnip. And I think, she really likes me. I even went to the stupid dance after all, I was left completely on my own. Rye and his fucking hormones got the best of him last night. You did hear he got himself in a very sticky situation with Delly. Now, he's got to marry the girl. Truth be told, I don't think she minds that much, it was pretty much the only way to force Rye to commit to her. Finally."
"Rye? Rye Mellark? He's the one that got caught with Delly?"
Gale rolled his eyes at me, with a duh expression on his face.
"Of course, Rye. Delly has been pining for him since forever. He was the one acting all aloof, no strings attached, he's a free agent and can do whatever he wants. I told him to cut the shit and take responsibility for once in his life. Down at the Hob, bets are being taking on whether he's knocked her up, and what the baby will be, girl or boy. Boy is the one ahead. I'm happy and sad for them, you know. Poor Delly has been through the ringer since last night, but I'm sure it will workout in the end."
"Not Peeta."
"No. Hell no. Peeta and Delly are like brothers, just like you and me. He would've never touched her that way. They've known each other since birth, I think. He was upset with Rye for disrespecting her, and causing all this uproar between the families, but he'll be supportive in the end. He loves them both."
Judgmental.
Entitled
Proud.
Isn't lonely up there?
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For the next few months, I pretended nothing was amiss. I did my school work. I woke before sunrise, crossed the fence, met with Gale, hunted for a while, returned, traded my game in the Hob, got ready for school. The same routine, day after day, was the only constant. Inside my head, all I could see were my actions. Actions that consequences, for now I could see, and he wasn't there.
Not watching me across the room.
Not watching at school's end.
No intense gaze.
No charming smiles.
No blue eyes.
No cornsilk hair.
In passing, I had heard by Madge discussing with Delly, that Peeta had completed his coursework, taken the equivalency tests, so he could start working full-time in the bakery. And like a coward, I avoided walking through the front store, always pushing Gale to do the trading with Mr. Mellark, in the backway.
As for the bet, it was a bust, for no baby bump started growing in the following months after the dance. Delly and Rye were, in fact married, in a simple ceremony, with a private toasting ceremony, in their little apartment close to their families' homes. She kept going to school, while Rye worked in the bakery part-time, dividing his time, with his remaining school work.
I had to confess I had never seen Delly any happier. Every time Rye would kiss her cheek, while walking the corridors during class break, she would beam all through the next hour. It was damn irritating and adorable at the same time.
Just like seeing footage of Finnick and Annie's wedding broadcast in every television in the District, haunting my every step. The only way to escape was going through the fence and running away to the woods. So that's what I did, smelling the air, thinking about my dad and how he taught me everything I knew about hunting.
Sitting by the lake, I could remember the days when he would teach me how to swim. How he would also teach Prim, when she got older, something that never came to pass. Prim has never crossed the District's boundary fence. It was a risk I was willing to take, even after all her begging. I regretted it now, as I sat on my own.
Isn't lonely up there?
My eyes welled with tears, but I held them back until I wasn't able to. No one could see, so I let them fall. Only it didn't stop at tears, as I started sobbing. With no one to hear, no one to talk to, I was overwhelmed with emotions I couldn't name. It was all too much.
Why was I sad for?
My father's death?
Years had gone by, and I had survived on my skills and determination alone.
My dream man getting married to another woman?
Even now, I had to confess, it was a foolish dream, of a foolish, prideful girl.
Not worthy of your love.
Those words had destroyed a possibility, blinded me of the truth, standing right in front of me.
And now it was too late, and I was gutless to admit my failings, to ask forgiveness. For I would not forgive myself for such an act of unkindness.
"I forgive you."
I screamed at the sudden voice beside me. It was someone I never expected to see again, much less see here beyond the fence.
"W-what are you doing here? Did someone see you? We have to go back-"
And there it was that smile, with dimples. His eyes shined, lively again. His hands were covered in flour, and beside him a small bag dusted with it sat.
"I brought you something I made especially for you… Something completely new. I want to see if you approve of it. Gale helped me through the fence, so you don't have to worry."
Once again, mouth agape, I just stared at him.
"Not one more tear, Katniss. Not one. For you are worthy of every kindness, of every word of love, and every smile in each and every day from this day until my very last."
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Those very same words, Peeta repeated them to me, every time I shed a tear. He said them as we had our toasting ceremony. When our first child was born, a lovely blue-eyed boy, with dimples, and corn silk hair. He said them when my mother passed away, as my sister moved away to study medicine to become the best surgeon of Panem.
For his words showed me how worthy every single person is, how kindness and love joined us together, one smile at a time.
For the rest of our lives.