Lost In You

You're just sat there, hidden in the shadows, being the usual enigma you tend to be. You're emotions, you're feelings, hidden deep within you.

You make no effort whatsoever to socialise with us, but oddly I feel like I've known you for an eternity, understanding everything about you.

And as I sit here, watching you relax, examining your breathing pattern, I become lost in you. I become intrigued by everything about you. The way you behave, how your hair is two different shades of blue, your popularity. Every girl wants you, and every guy wants to be you. Every girl wants you, and me.

Tyson arouses you from your slumber, or whatever it is you do behind closed eyes, and you flare up. Your red eyes burning flames, Tyson slinks back to join Max, Kenny and I. He mumbles something about you being such a grouch. But I don't think that's so. You're just misunderstood. Nobody ever bothers to ask, "Kai, how are you this morning?"

You rub your tired eyes before glancing into my amber ones. I feel myself freeze. But then you mope into the kitchen, and I'm back to reality.

And then I realize, in reality you're too good for me. I'm not even remotely in your league. How on Earth am I supposed to compete?

You return with a glass of coke and settle back into your previous seat. You take a drink, and then place it on the coffee table where your Kerrang magazine lay. You read each page thoroughly, extracting every morsel of information about your favourite artists and bands and forthcoming gigs. Again, I feel myself slip away, and I'm lost in your presence once more.

Then I'm brought back by the soft tone of your voice. "Ray? Yo, Ray," you say, peering over your magazine, a look of concern appearing on your perfect features. You then explain I was daydreaming and I apologize, before you return to the magazine.

Determined to block the thoughts of you from consuming my mind, I join in with Tyson's conversation. But it doesn't work. Thoughts successfully seep into my concentration, and it isn't long before I'm gazing at you once again.

Your beautiful red eyes skim across the final page and you close the magazine shut, dropping it back onto the glass table. You're clearly bored. You absentmindedly watch your foot, encased by a black trainer, swaying from side to side, and I follow it too.

Noticing my behaviour you look once again into my yellow orbs. My whole body melts and I'm lost in a non-existent dream dimension. Fluffy white clouds float gently by, and there's only you and I, hovering in a sea of white and blue. As you step forward a smile arranges itself your lips. Your body reaches mine and you stop, holding out your hand. I reach out to take it but you retract yours. The clouds swirl and the sky turns a dull grey. You give a mirthless laugh and walk away. And I remember, I'm not good enough.

The living room surrounds me again and I speculate what just happened. You're sat back in the chair, with the beaker in your hand, and you're laughing at Max's impersonation of Tyson. It was all in my imagination.

Night falls and everyone, aside from you and I, heads off to bed. You're always the first one up and the last asleep.

All afternoon I've been pondering whether to reveal my feelings towards you. Although I've come to a decision, I'm still pretty unsure. However, I'm going to go through with it.

I sit beside you on the sofa. Then you turn to look at me temporarily. I open my mouth to try to speak, but all that comes is a muffled gurgle.

I remember you saying once that actions were stronger than words, so I lean in, and gently press my lips against yours. We remain there for a second, but then you pull away, an expression of clear shock on your perfect features.

I feel so stupid. You get up and walk away, while I fight back tears. I've just ruined our friendship completely. I was the only member of the Bladebreakers you had a special connection with. Suddenly I feel nauseous and wish not to go to bed, yet the warmth of it beckons me.

I plod slowly up the stairs, my eyes wandering to the kitchen. You pull a bottle of orange out of the fridge and pour yourself a glass. Then you sit at the table, your head resting against your hand.

I race up the last steps and launch myself into bed, sobbing into my pillow. What a fool. I can't believe I felt for a second that you, the one who defines perfection, would ever feel anything stronger than friendship for me.

I stop my sorrow and ponder my next actions. I wish not to live, to be haunted by the fact that I can never be with you. I know what I'm saying is drastic, but I feel it's my only option left.

Reluctantly I drift into a deep slumber, knowing the next day could very well be my last.

When I wake the next morning, you're already up, playing on your favourite game. I try to act as normal as I can.

Time ticks by ever so quickly. And I know I must make my move soon.

At 11:24 I sneak out of the hotel apartment we're staying in. The finals were over. We were just waiting for the day of our flight out of Russia.

I wipe the rain from my forehead to stop it from rolling into my eyes as I amble the streets. It wasn't far now.

Then I reach my destination in a matter of minutes – the Estate Park. I examine the rusted equipment absentmindedly, before sitting down on one of the creaking swings.

I fondle the weapon for a few moments, deciding what to do. The smooth metal of the gun was cold on my fingertips.

I close my eyes gently, raindrops mixing with tears rolling down my face. My finger slides over the trigger of the gun that rests against my temple.

"Ray!"

My eyes shoot open. You're stood at the entrance to the abandoned play area, breathless. You're iconic triangles have disappeared and you're crimson eyes seem softer and perhaps more revealing.

You step forward, advancing towards my numb body. And then I stand, shocked by your appearance. And before I know it, you're just feet in front of me.

"Leave me, Kai," I say. "I'm not good enough for you."

"Don't say that!"

I try to explain it's the truth, but you're taking none of it. But I've made my decision and I'm not going back.

Bang!

"No!"

My shaking body lands gently in your arms. Your eyes wander to the weapon that lay limp on the dirt. Then gazing at the top of my head, you smile affectionately and cuddle me, holding me close.

You whisper in my ear. "No. It is I who does not deserve you."

Our heads turn as a beam of sunlight forces its way through the murky clouds. I don't ever want to leave this moment. Me and you – together – in this moment of perfection.