Summary: We had to write an Odyssey version of Blind Date for my Classical
Civilisations course. This is basically what I did. Odysseus has to choose
between Penelope, Nausicaa and Calypso.
Rating: G
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters mentioned here except myself. Sian is my Classics teacher hence the mention of her students in the first paragraph. Homer (probably) owns Odysseus, Penelope, Nausicaa, Calypso and Athene. Cilla black owns herself. No idea who owns 'Blind Date', just that it isn't me.
Remember this was written quickly for homework so don't take it too seriously. Stuff in brackets is supposed to be in italics, but I haven't figured out how to upload them in italics yet. Sorry!
Enjoy!
Blind Date - Odyssey Style
(Blind Date theme music starts. The camera pans over the audience which is made up of Sian's Classics students. Many are eating popcorn or hoarding it to throw later on. The stage is set up with three stools to one side and one stool alone on the other side of a pink wall. The music fades and a shrill voices echoes throughout the studio.)
Cilla: SURPRISE, SURPRISE!!
(Various groans from audience as Cilla Black runs out onstage. Several pieces of popcorn unfortunately fall short.)
Cilla: Please don't litter the studio!! Welcome to Blind Date - Odyssey Style!! Tonight we have three girls just dying to be picked by the man of the moment - lion-like Ody- Odes- Odyssi - the man who's name I can't pronounce!!! But before you all meet him lets introduce the girls themselves who want to be chosen tonight! First we have Contestant Number One, Penelope! (Penelope walks out to applause. She sits on the first of three stools lined up to one side of the stage) Penelope is Ody-Ods - his wife. Good at weaving, staying faithful and telling off those pesky Suitors, Penelope wishes to say something before we introduce Contestant Number Two.
Penelope: Odysseus is mine! If he ends up with anyone else Athene will not be happy! She will wreak vengeance on you all!!
Audience: Oooooooo!!!!!!
Cilla: Now there's a girl who knows how to get to the point. Lets see how she gets on with Contestant Number Two - the Nymph Calypso!
(Calypso walks on onstage wearing basically very little at all. Several male students fall off their seats much to the disgust of the female students who pelt them with popcorn. Calypso looks smug at her effect on all of them.)
Cilla: Calypso is a goddess who resides on her own personal island with a crowd of handmaidens and no other men. Male paradise. She also enjoys weaving, sings beautifully and gardens in her spare time when she isn't trapping men on her island.
Penelope: You! You stole my husband! (launches herself at Calypso. Security guards appear out of nowhere to hold her back.)
Cilla: Ladies, ladies, this isn't Jerry Springer. (Audience starts a chant of 'Jerry! Jerry!') No, I said this isn't Jerry Springer!!! I think it's time to introduce our final contestant - Number Three, daughter of Alcinous, Nausicaa!!
(Nausicaa walks out onstage and sits on the final stool. Penelope and Calypso glare at her.)
Cilla: Nausicaa enjoys washing her family's clothes, being visited by gods in dreams and husband-hunting. She hopes to take our man home with her tonight.
(snickers from audience)
Penelope: Over my dead body!!
Cilla: I think we'd better introduce the man himself before this becomes more like the WWF and we get the women having slapping fights. Give a warm welcome to our lucky questioner - Ody-des (stage hand whispers in her ear) Oh that's how you say it! Please welcome - Odysseus!!
(giggles turn into wolf-whistles and applause as Odysseus walks out onstage)
Cilla: Hello Odysseus! How are you tonight?
Odysseus: I'm confused - where am I again?
Cilla: The twenty-first century. Britain. A London recording studio.
Odysseus: That makes no sense to me but I suppose I should sit down anyway.
Cilla: You do that. (Odysseus sits down on the tall stool.) Now it's time for us to introduce you to our contestants - not by name of course but by number. First we have contestant Number One!
Penelope: Hello Odysseus.
Odysseus: That voice sounds familiar. Do I know you?
(Penelope looks scandalised. Audience laugh and throw popcorn around)
Cilla: Ah, now that would be telling. Say hello Contestant Number Two!
Calypso: Hello Odysseus!
Odysseus: Hhmm.. Nope don't remember that voice. (Calypso scowls)
Cilla: And finally Contestant Number Three!!
Nausicaa: Hello Odysseus.
Odysseus: I'm positive I've never heard that voice before in my life.
Cilla: (moving hastily on before Nausicaa tries to murder Odysseus.) Right, Odysseus we have some questions for you to ask our three contestants. (She hands him some pinks card with writing on one side. Oysseus looks at them blankly.)
Odysseus: I can't read these.
(Cilla, looking furious, waves a stage hand over and has a hissed conversation with him. The audience strain to hear what is being said, but only catch: "I though you were going to write them in Ancient Greek! And the stage hand's reply, I don't speak Ancient Greek!)
Cilla: (looking harassed as she waves the stage hand away.) Right I'll whisper in your ear what to say. (She whispers in Odysseus ear. He looks confused.)
Odysseus: I really have to say that? (Cilla nods.) Well okay... To Contestant Number One, if you were a mythological animal, what would you be?
Penelope: I'd be a griffin. Beautiful, loyal and honest. I wouldn't be unfaithful no matter what.
Odysseus: Interesting.. and Number Two?
Calypso: I'd be a dragon. Unusual, special and immortal, I guard my territory fiercely. Nothing would escape me unless I allowed it.
Odysseus: (looks alarmed) That sounds slightly... possessive. Number Three?
Nausicaa: A unicorn. Pure, loyal and special. I'd belong to you and you only.
Odysseus: That sounds nice. (Penelope and Calypso glare at Nausicaa) Next question? (Cilla whispers in his ear.) Right. If you were a book, what would you be called? And that goes to... Number Two.
Calypso: (grins) The Feminine Mystique. Because I'm in touch with my feminine side.
Odysseus: Number Three?
Nausicaa: Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone - because I'm simply magical.
(The audience make their feelings on this statement clear with gagging noises. Odysseus appears to agree but wisely doesn't admit it. Cilla is rolling her eyes)
Odysseus: Number One?
Penelope: Jamie Oliver's new cookbook - because I bring something new and different to life in the kitchen.
Odysseus: (appears intrigued by this statement) Really? That's interesting because-
Cilla: (cuts him off) Sorry, only time for three questions per person and the last question is- (she whispers it in his ear.)
Odysseus: (looks disgusted.) That is a stupid question!
Cilla: (shrugs) Sorry sweetheart I just present the show, I don't write the questions. Take it up with the author.
Cloudy: (From audience) Don't you dare!!
Odysseus: (sighs) The things I have to do. Okay final question. If you were a sweet what flavour would you be.. Number Three?
Nausicaa: Strawberry. Sweet, succulent with a tangy after taste, you'll want to keep on eati-
Cilla: (hurriedly cutting her off.) Okay, we definitely get the idea. Number Two?
Calypso: Lime. Exotic, unusual with a divine tang.
Odysseus: Number One?
Penelope: Apple. Familiar, crunchy and comfortingly homelike.
Cilla: And there you have it folks, our three Contestants. Now Odysseus will it be Contestant Number One, the crunchy griffin who likes cooking with style? Will it be Contestant Number Two, the exotic dragon in touch with her feminine side? Or will it be Contestant Number Three, the magical unicorn who tastes like strawberries? Make your decision now!!
Odysseus: (looks panicked) I have to choose one? Can't I have them all?
Cilla: That's not the way it works. If in doubt pick a number at random. (shrugs) Most of our men do that anyway.
Odysseus: (thinks. Audience start shouting numbers at him.)
Audience: One!! Pick Three"! No Two!! Don't pick any of them!! Go out with the one with no clothes on!!! (Calypso smirks and the girls in the audience throw popcorn at her)
Odysseus: That's it. I can't decide. Someone else will have to pick for me.
Cilla: (looks worried) We can't do that!! It isn't allowed!!
Odysseus: Tough. It's allowed now because that's what I'm doing.
(Stunned silence from the audience. It is broken when one of the studio doors crashes open and an old man staggers in.)
Old man: I'll decide for him!!
Cilla: Who are you?
Old man: I am Homer, the author of The Odyssey and The Illiad!! Don't you recognise me?
(Another door crashes open and an old woman wanders in.)
Old woman: You old fool! You may be Homer, but I wrote the damn things!
Homer: Who are you?
Old woman: I'm your wife!! Honestly you remember a few hours worth of poetry and forgot the one who cooks you dinner and who told you the stories in the first place!! Well that's it!! I'm not putting up with being the invisible one anymore!!
Cilla: Okay, what part of 'This is not Jerry Springer' do you people not understand? Security guards, get the old people back to their Old Folk's Home please. Odysseus pick now or I'll chose someone from the audience for you instead.
(Audience grin at Odysseus who seems terrified by this threat.)
Odysseus: Fine! There's no need to be nasty. I pick....
(Various shouts of One! Three! Two!! Me! Me!! Come from audience. Odysseus shrugs helplessly when suddenly Athene appears behind him and whispers in his ear. He looks immensely relieved.)
Odysseus: The gods have put the idea in my head to choose Number One!!
(Penelope looks very smug. Calypso and Nausicaa jump up with expressions of rage on their faces)
Calypso: Shall you get him or shall I?
Nausicaa: Lets both do it.
Calypso: Good idea! (Then run round the pink wall and threateningly towards Odysseus who jumps up in horror and runs away. Penelope, Calypso and Nausicaa follow him under a rain of popcorn from the audience. Cilla retreats to a safe distance to watch the carnage.)
Cilla: Who am I kidding? This is just like Jerry Springer. Ladies and Gentlemen, this has been Blind Date a.k.a. Jerry Springer, Odyssey Style. We apologise for any trauma caused from witnessing the carnage behind me - the security guards are sorting it out. No actually they aren't, Homer just bashed one over the head with a deluxe hardback copy of 'The Illiad'. Amazing aim for a blind man. I'd better go before they get any nearer. I hope you've enjoyed the show! Goodnight!!
(Someone in the audience spots Cilla.)
Random student: There she is! Get her!
(Cilla legs it through the studio door, chased by popcorn wielding students as behind them, Penelope, Calypso and Nausicaa proceed to destroy the pink scenery in their search for Odysseus. Homer glances towards the camera.)
Homer: Remember!! Buy the book!!!
(Camera goes dark).
The End
Rating: G
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters mentioned here except myself. Sian is my Classics teacher hence the mention of her students in the first paragraph. Homer (probably) owns Odysseus, Penelope, Nausicaa, Calypso and Athene. Cilla black owns herself. No idea who owns 'Blind Date', just that it isn't me.
Remember this was written quickly for homework so don't take it too seriously. Stuff in brackets is supposed to be in italics, but I haven't figured out how to upload them in italics yet. Sorry!
Enjoy!
Blind Date - Odyssey Style
(Blind Date theme music starts. The camera pans over the audience which is made up of Sian's Classics students. Many are eating popcorn or hoarding it to throw later on. The stage is set up with three stools to one side and one stool alone on the other side of a pink wall. The music fades and a shrill voices echoes throughout the studio.)
Cilla: SURPRISE, SURPRISE!!
(Various groans from audience as Cilla Black runs out onstage. Several pieces of popcorn unfortunately fall short.)
Cilla: Please don't litter the studio!! Welcome to Blind Date - Odyssey Style!! Tonight we have three girls just dying to be picked by the man of the moment - lion-like Ody- Odes- Odyssi - the man who's name I can't pronounce!!! But before you all meet him lets introduce the girls themselves who want to be chosen tonight! First we have Contestant Number One, Penelope! (Penelope walks out to applause. She sits on the first of three stools lined up to one side of the stage) Penelope is Ody-Ods - his wife. Good at weaving, staying faithful and telling off those pesky Suitors, Penelope wishes to say something before we introduce Contestant Number Two.
Penelope: Odysseus is mine! If he ends up with anyone else Athene will not be happy! She will wreak vengeance on you all!!
Audience: Oooooooo!!!!!!
Cilla: Now there's a girl who knows how to get to the point. Lets see how she gets on with Contestant Number Two - the Nymph Calypso!
(Calypso walks on onstage wearing basically very little at all. Several male students fall off their seats much to the disgust of the female students who pelt them with popcorn. Calypso looks smug at her effect on all of them.)
Cilla: Calypso is a goddess who resides on her own personal island with a crowd of handmaidens and no other men. Male paradise. She also enjoys weaving, sings beautifully and gardens in her spare time when she isn't trapping men on her island.
Penelope: You! You stole my husband! (launches herself at Calypso. Security guards appear out of nowhere to hold her back.)
Cilla: Ladies, ladies, this isn't Jerry Springer. (Audience starts a chant of 'Jerry! Jerry!') No, I said this isn't Jerry Springer!!! I think it's time to introduce our final contestant - Number Three, daughter of Alcinous, Nausicaa!!
(Nausicaa walks out onstage and sits on the final stool. Penelope and Calypso glare at her.)
Cilla: Nausicaa enjoys washing her family's clothes, being visited by gods in dreams and husband-hunting. She hopes to take our man home with her tonight.
(snickers from audience)
Penelope: Over my dead body!!
Cilla: I think we'd better introduce the man himself before this becomes more like the WWF and we get the women having slapping fights. Give a warm welcome to our lucky questioner - Ody-des (stage hand whispers in her ear) Oh that's how you say it! Please welcome - Odysseus!!
(giggles turn into wolf-whistles and applause as Odysseus walks out onstage)
Cilla: Hello Odysseus! How are you tonight?
Odysseus: I'm confused - where am I again?
Cilla: The twenty-first century. Britain. A London recording studio.
Odysseus: That makes no sense to me but I suppose I should sit down anyway.
Cilla: You do that. (Odysseus sits down on the tall stool.) Now it's time for us to introduce you to our contestants - not by name of course but by number. First we have contestant Number One!
Penelope: Hello Odysseus.
Odysseus: That voice sounds familiar. Do I know you?
(Penelope looks scandalised. Audience laugh and throw popcorn around)
Cilla: Ah, now that would be telling. Say hello Contestant Number Two!
Calypso: Hello Odysseus!
Odysseus: Hhmm.. Nope don't remember that voice. (Calypso scowls)
Cilla: And finally Contestant Number Three!!
Nausicaa: Hello Odysseus.
Odysseus: I'm positive I've never heard that voice before in my life.
Cilla: (moving hastily on before Nausicaa tries to murder Odysseus.) Right, Odysseus we have some questions for you to ask our three contestants. (She hands him some pinks card with writing on one side. Oysseus looks at them blankly.)
Odysseus: I can't read these.
(Cilla, looking furious, waves a stage hand over and has a hissed conversation with him. The audience strain to hear what is being said, but only catch: "I though you were going to write them in Ancient Greek! And the stage hand's reply, I don't speak Ancient Greek!)
Cilla: (looking harassed as she waves the stage hand away.) Right I'll whisper in your ear what to say. (She whispers in Odysseus ear. He looks confused.)
Odysseus: I really have to say that? (Cilla nods.) Well okay... To Contestant Number One, if you were a mythological animal, what would you be?
Penelope: I'd be a griffin. Beautiful, loyal and honest. I wouldn't be unfaithful no matter what.
Odysseus: Interesting.. and Number Two?
Calypso: I'd be a dragon. Unusual, special and immortal, I guard my territory fiercely. Nothing would escape me unless I allowed it.
Odysseus: (looks alarmed) That sounds slightly... possessive. Number Three?
Nausicaa: A unicorn. Pure, loyal and special. I'd belong to you and you only.
Odysseus: That sounds nice. (Penelope and Calypso glare at Nausicaa) Next question? (Cilla whispers in his ear.) Right. If you were a book, what would you be called? And that goes to... Number Two.
Calypso: (grins) The Feminine Mystique. Because I'm in touch with my feminine side.
Odysseus: Number Three?
Nausicaa: Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone - because I'm simply magical.
(The audience make their feelings on this statement clear with gagging noises. Odysseus appears to agree but wisely doesn't admit it. Cilla is rolling her eyes)
Odysseus: Number One?
Penelope: Jamie Oliver's new cookbook - because I bring something new and different to life in the kitchen.
Odysseus: (appears intrigued by this statement) Really? That's interesting because-
Cilla: (cuts him off) Sorry, only time for three questions per person and the last question is- (she whispers it in his ear.)
Odysseus: (looks disgusted.) That is a stupid question!
Cilla: (shrugs) Sorry sweetheart I just present the show, I don't write the questions. Take it up with the author.
Cloudy: (From audience) Don't you dare!!
Odysseus: (sighs) The things I have to do. Okay final question. If you were a sweet what flavour would you be.. Number Three?
Nausicaa: Strawberry. Sweet, succulent with a tangy after taste, you'll want to keep on eati-
Cilla: (hurriedly cutting her off.) Okay, we definitely get the idea. Number Two?
Calypso: Lime. Exotic, unusual with a divine tang.
Odysseus: Number One?
Penelope: Apple. Familiar, crunchy and comfortingly homelike.
Cilla: And there you have it folks, our three Contestants. Now Odysseus will it be Contestant Number One, the crunchy griffin who likes cooking with style? Will it be Contestant Number Two, the exotic dragon in touch with her feminine side? Or will it be Contestant Number Three, the magical unicorn who tastes like strawberries? Make your decision now!!
Odysseus: (looks panicked) I have to choose one? Can't I have them all?
Cilla: That's not the way it works. If in doubt pick a number at random. (shrugs) Most of our men do that anyway.
Odysseus: (thinks. Audience start shouting numbers at him.)
Audience: One!! Pick Three"! No Two!! Don't pick any of them!! Go out with the one with no clothes on!!! (Calypso smirks and the girls in the audience throw popcorn at her)
Odysseus: That's it. I can't decide. Someone else will have to pick for me.
Cilla: (looks worried) We can't do that!! It isn't allowed!!
Odysseus: Tough. It's allowed now because that's what I'm doing.
(Stunned silence from the audience. It is broken when one of the studio doors crashes open and an old man staggers in.)
Old man: I'll decide for him!!
Cilla: Who are you?
Old man: I am Homer, the author of The Odyssey and The Illiad!! Don't you recognise me?
(Another door crashes open and an old woman wanders in.)
Old woman: You old fool! You may be Homer, but I wrote the damn things!
Homer: Who are you?
Old woman: I'm your wife!! Honestly you remember a few hours worth of poetry and forgot the one who cooks you dinner and who told you the stories in the first place!! Well that's it!! I'm not putting up with being the invisible one anymore!!
Cilla: Okay, what part of 'This is not Jerry Springer' do you people not understand? Security guards, get the old people back to their Old Folk's Home please. Odysseus pick now or I'll chose someone from the audience for you instead.
(Audience grin at Odysseus who seems terrified by this threat.)
Odysseus: Fine! There's no need to be nasty. I pick....
(Various shouts of One! Three! Two!! Me! Me!! Come from audience. Odysseus shrugs helplessly when suddenly Athene appears behind him and whispers in his ear. He looks immensely relieved.)
Odysseus: The gods have put the idea in my head to choose Number One!!
(Penelope looks very smug. Calypso and Nausicaa jump up with expressions of rage on their faces)
Calypso: Shall you get him or shall I?
Nausicaa: Lets both do it.
Calypso: Good idea! (Then run round the pink wall and threateningly towards Odysseus who jumps up in horror and runs away. Penelope, Calypso and Nausicaa follow him under a rain of popcorn from the audience. Cilla retreats to a safe distance to watch the carnage.)
Cilla: Who am I kidding? This is just like Jerry Springer. Ladies and Gentlemen, this has been Blind Date a.k.a. Jerry Springer, Odyssey Style. We apologise for any trauma caused from witnessing the carnage behind me - the security guards are sorting it out. No actually they aren't, Homer just bashed one over the head with a deluxe hardback copy of 'The Illiad'. Amazing aim for a blind man. I'd better go before they get any nearer. I hope you've enjoyed the show! Goodnight!!
(Someone in the audience spots Cilla.)
Random student: There she is! Get her!
(Cilla legs it through the studio door, chased by popcorn wielding students as behind them, Penelope, Calypso and Nausicaa proceed to destroy the pink scenery in their search for Odysseus. Homer glances towards the camera.)
Homer: Remember!! Buy the book!!!
(Camera goes dark).
The End