A/N: This was my first fic for Invader Zim. It's been a WIP on dA for awhile now and I thought it was time I uploaded it on here. The prologue and first chapter are posted together because I didn't feel like the prologue was long enough to really be its own chapter. Anyway, here it is.
Prologue
Many miles from Earth, the gargantuan Irken Massive piloted slowly through the inky black emptiness of outer space. Other spacecrafts followed, looking tiny as they tailed the enormous ship. Inside the Massive, long, spindly green fingers twitched against a porthole and a pair of purple eyes gazed out at the stars.
"Think it'll work?" Tallest Purple asked without turning around.
Tallest Red sighed wearily. "For the thousandth time. It had better work! But nothing else we've tried ever has, so I can't help but wonder if this will be the same."
"Well, we've never tried anything as ingenious as this," Tallest Purple argued. He scarfed down a donut, licking the sticky glaze and donut crumbs from his fingertips.
"Ingenious?" Tallest Red scoffed. "Are you kidding? This isn't ingenious! This is stupid! It's completely transparent! There's no way he won't find out. He'll see right through it! He'll-" Suddenly he paused as if realizing what he was saying. "Oh. Right. It's Zim we're talking about. Never mind, then." He and Tallest Purple burst out laughing. "Can you imagine? Me, ranting on like that... I forgot who we were talking about for a second..."
"My Tallest!" a small female Irken ran into the room and saluted. "We have just received another message from your anonymous source. It said that everything is going as planned." She paused. "Um... if you don't mind me asking... what does that mean, exactly? What's going as planned?
Tallest Purple waved her away. "That's for us to know and you to find out!"
"Yes, My Tallest!" The little Irken saluted again, then dashed off.
"Always in a hurry, that one..." Tallest Red mused when she had gone. "She might be up to something. You!" He pointed to a random Irken working on a computer. "Insignificant Computer-Hacking Drone! Go keep a watch on her."
The Irken looked flustered. "Actually, I'm... I'm not a Computer Hacker. I'm piloting the ship."
"That was an order, Soldier!" Tallest Purple shouted.
"Um, I'm not a Soldier, either. I told you, I'm-"
Tallest Red glared at him. "Just go!"
"Yes, My Tallest!" The Irken saluted meekly and abandoned his post, running off.
"Well," Tallest Purple said to his co-ruler, lifting up an Irken brand soda can. "I propose a toast. To Zim's death!"
"To Zim's death!" Tallest Red agreed, taking a soda for himself. The two leaders clinked their soda cans together, then downed their drinks in two gulps.
"Augh!" Tallest Purple cried, dropping his empty soda can and clutching his head. "BRAIN FREEZE!"
As they spoke, the pilotless Massive flipped upside down.
Chapter 1: The Cooties Shall Rule
7:05 A.M. Well, nothing terrible has happened yet. I'm not turning into bologna or having
Ping.
weird dreams about floating shoes. Of course, it's still early morning and we have to make it through the rest of the day. I'm sure that Zim is
Ping. Ping.
planning something awful. He always is, and then I have to take the time to go and stop him. It's really annoying. It's strange that nothing has happened yet, though. Maybe Zim's just not up yet. Do Irkens sleep? Unknown. MAKE A NOTE OF THAT.
Ping. Ping.
7:10 A.M. I just got a cereal bar from the cabinet. It looks all right (just really unhealthy. Oh well). Maybe Zim hasn't done anything to it. That seems unlikely, though. I'll have to
Ping ping ping PINGPINGPING.
go down to Dad's lab and scan it to make sure. Just like every morning. Skool is starting soon, and hopefully I'll be able to get some real information today on Zim's plans. Yesterday I installed a small microphone under his desk so I can hear any of his evil mutterings about his evil plans that he's going to commit evilly.
PINGPINGPINGPING
I just hope the janitor doesn't get rid of the microphone. Then again, he never cleans the gum off from under the desks so I can't see how a microphone would be any
PING PING PING
different. In fact, yesterday I was dismayed to find a huge, disgusting wad of chewed gum under my desk. I'm sure Zim put it there. Funny, you'd think that stuff would make his head explode or at least painfully melt his teeth or something if he tried to chew it. But no, of course not. I need to figure out exactly
PING PING PING PING PING
"Gaz!" Dib said irritably, pausing in his writing. "What's wrong with that thing? It's making annoying pinging noises."
Gaz kept her eyes glued to the screen of her Game Slave 4 or whatever it was she had these days. "It's supposed to. That means it's working."
"Well, turn down the volume or something." Dib shifted into a more comfortable sitting position on the couch. "Can't you see I'm trying to work on my journal? That noise is really distracting."
Gaz finally looked up from her game and peered at him. "So... you're keeping a diary now?"
"I said journal, Gaz. Journal. Not diary. Now please, I'm trying to concentrate on this!" He went back to scribbling in his blue notebook. Gaz rolled her eyes and turned back to her game, ready to once again brutally kill that stupid online player who kept coming back for more.
"Good morning, children!" The floating screen that the siblings interacted with more than their actual father drifted over to them. Membrane faced them from the screen and continued to talk. "Isn't it a lovely morning? I just needed to tell you that I will be away for a few more days because I'll be observing the transit of Venus that starts tonight. Keep a watch for it! Now, I trust that you are both ready for Skool. Remember, education is vital for the growth of young minds and, as the saying goes, a mind is a terrible thing to-" The recorded message suddenly broke off and fizzed with static.
"What's the transit of Venus?" Gaz asked her brother, but didn't really care about the answer.
Dib shrugged. "I dunno. I've never heard of it before. But Dad's right. We'd better go, Gaz." He stashed his notebook in his bag and hopped off the couch. "Don't want to be late."
Gaz gritted her teeth. "You go. I'll wait awhile and then come when you're at least a block away."
Dib sighed. "It's no good to pretend we're not related. We sit together at lunch, Gaz."
"I'm. Not. Going. To. Skool. With. You." Gaz didn't even turn around. Not wanting to be caught late for Ms. Bitters' class again (he shuddered at the thought), Dib left the house and ran down the street. He considered taking the bus but then thought better of it. Everyone on board was probably still a little upset about that recent... "incident." No, it was better to walk. He set off at a brisk pace, wondering what horrors awaited him in class today.
"Class, today's lesson is about the Great Fire of London in 1666." Ms. Bitters seemed to levitate above the floor as she began her lecture. "It burned through the city like a great tidal wave... a tidal wave of great evil flames, burning through three quarters of the city. Burning, burning, burning..."
Dib absentmindedly doodled a sketch of Zim's house on fire. He glanced across the row of desks at the alien, who appeared to be trying to make something with origami.
"...burning, burning... causing destruction. And DEATH. Lots of death. You could hear the horrified screams from miles away. The fire lasted for three days before they could put it out. It all started when a baker in Pudding Lane carelessly forgot to put out the fire from his stove-"
"Hah! Foolish human," Zim muttered with a smirk. Dib jumped at the sudden crackling in the small earpiece he was wearing. Aw man, he'd forgotten about the microphone under Zim's desk! Hastily he reached up to his ear to turn down the volume.
"Dib! What's that in your ear?" Ms. Bitters barked. "Are you listening to... MUSIC?" She spat out the word like it left a bad taste in her mouth.
"N-no, Ms. Bitters," Dib stammered. He surreptitiously removed the earpiece and clenched it in his fist. "Sorry. Won't happen again."
Ms. Bitters sniffed, then continued on with the lesson. Dib breathed a sigh of relief and fingered the earpiece, not wanting to risk putting it back in his ear. In hindsight, it probably would have been better to bug something other than Zim's desk. It wasn't as if the alien ever said anything that was too quiet to be heard by the rest of the class. And why would Zim talk to himself about evil plans? In class? Silently berating himself for being so stupid, Dib stowed the earpiece back in his bag.
The lesson dragged on. And on. Typical Earth class. Zim felt like he would die of boredom. As if he cared about some fire that took place centuries ago, in a city he'd never heard of and a country he had nothing to do with! When he conquered Earth, there'd be giant fires everywhere.
His eyes darted to the clock at the front of the room. Ten minutes until lunch! Then it would be half an hour stuck in a room filled with unwashed children devouring... food. That stuff smelled even worse then the humans did, which was saying something. Zim looked away from the clock and studied his hands for awhile, completely ignoring the creepy teacher's rasping voice. He looked up at the clock again and jumped in surprise because it seemed to have gone backwards. What was wrong with this class? Did it have its own time zone? He glanced over at Dib, who was scribbling something in a notebook. Probably taking notes. FOOLISH EARTH-BOY! Irken Invaders had no need to take notes. Their memories were unmatched. Anything that an Invader read or heard was permanently stored in-oh, wait. Zim realized that he hadn't been paying attention to the teacher. What if this material was on a future test? He sat up straighter and focused his attention on the lesson. Well, Invaders did have incredibly good memories. But they had to actually be listening first.
The lunch bell finally rang and Zim sagged in relief, glad to be able to get out of the stifling classroom. Not wanting to be met with a flurry of vicious taunts from Dib, he hurried into the hall before the stupid human could get up.
The lunchroom was crowded, noisy, and smelled disgusting as usual. Zim went through the line without really paying attention to what he was buying. It was all the same, anyway. Glop, glop, more glop, acidic glop... ooh! Peas! ...Floating in yellowish glop. Disgusting.
He sat down at his usual table and stared at his "food," beginning his routine poking and prodding. One thing on his plate was completely unidentifiable. And was it just his imagination, or was it wriggling?
"This is horrible!" Zim said aloud. "I shouldn't have to put up with this Earth gruel!" He reached behind his back to rummage in his PAK, pulled out a delicious Irken sandwich, and took a bite of that instead. Hah! He felt as if he had won a small victory against the organ-melting acid that the cafeteria tried to pass off as nutrition.
"Where'd you get that sandwich, Zim?" someone said. Zim didn't have to look up to know who it was.
"I bought it," he said pointedly as Dib came up with his own tray loaded with food. "I bought it right over there. Ask anyone. Anyone!"
"Oh, please," Dib scoffed. "That wasn't made by humans!"
"I suppose it's an alien sandwich?" Zim sighed. "Nonsense. It is NORMAL. Just like me. See?" He took another large bite of the sandwich to prove how normal he was.
"Zim, it's got that creepy Irken insignia on it," Dib pointed out. Zim glanced at his sandwich, then quickly turned it upside down to hide the design.
"What? No it doesn't! That's, uh... that's the logo for my favorite cartoon! From the cartooning channel! Now go away so I can finish my normal sandwich and enjoy my time in this filthy eating room."
Dib stood for a moment. Then he scowled and said, "I'm watching you, Zim. And whatever evil thing you're planning, I'm going to stop it!"
Oh, shut up, Zim thought as Dib went back to his own table.
12:11 P.M. Zim is definitely up to something. Something evil. I don't know what it is yet but I'm going to find out. And today during our history lesson he was making origami. What kind of evil space alien monster makes origami? Perhaps it was some bizarre alien ritual. MAKE A NOTE OF THAT. Nothing good could come from that.
The microphone thing didn't work. Maybe if I bugged Zim's electronic backpack? Or his stupid robot pet. I might get some more useful information that way.
Dib stopped writing and put his pen down. He was going to need a new microphone. Too bad he had left his extras at home. Thoughtfully he finished off his lunch, trying to ignore the noise from Gaz's video game. It was pinging again. Right next to him.
"How do you get away with playing that in school?" he asked. He couldn't even wear an earpiece without the teacher thinking he was listening to an iPod.
"No one's asked me to stop," Gaz replied. Dib had nothing to say to that.
Gym class that day was particularly bad. The class lined up and the team captains, Zita and Torque Smackey, chose the people they wanted on their teams. Gradually the class dwindled until only Zim and Dib were left unchosen.
Torque sighed. "Zim, I guess," he said.
Zim brightened. "You should be honored to have ZIM on your team!" he announced, marching over to them.
"That's everyone!" The class cheered, and began to race off to play basketball.
"Hold up!" the coach shouted. "You're forgetting someone." She motioned to Dib, who was standing there feeling awkward.
Zita groaned. "Aw, but he's got cooties!" she complained. Standing in line with Torque's team, Zim jumped, his eyes wide.
"Well, someone has to choose him!" The coach folded her arms. The class looked at each other for a minute. Then they grabbed a basketball and raced off to play. The coach turned to Dib. "Looks like you get a zero for your participation grade today," she said, making a mark on her clipboard.
"That's not fair!" Dib protested. "You're giving me an F just because they didn't choose me for one of their teams? Isn't there something else I can do?"
"Yes. You can go sit over there by the wall." The coach pointed to show Dib exactly which wall to sit by, then left to referee the game. Dib leaned against the wall and exhaled slowly. It didn't surprise him that no one wanted him on their team, but he was upset that the coach was giving him an F for it.
"Hey! Hey! Pass it over here!" Zim shouted, ready to catch the ball if it was thrown his way. His teammates-and everyone on the other team, too-completely ignored him. "Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Pass it to me! I'm open!"
"Move it!" someone shouted as they came by with the ball, shoving Zim out of the way. He stumbled but, like a true Invader, didn't fall. It infuriated that the humans weren't passing him the ball. He had no idea what he would do with it if it ever came into his possession, but these inferior beings should pass it to him anyway. Also, he couldn't help but think about what the ugly human girl had said. Something about... what had she called them? Cooties? They sounded sinister. They were probably some form of germ. Possibly even worse than germs! But he had to be sure. He grabbed a passing human's arm and pulled him to the side.
"Hey!" the kid shouted.
"Quiet, Dirt-Monkey!" Zim snarled. "I need information. Tell me everything you know about cooties or face the wrath of ZIM!"
The kid looked confused. "Cooties?" he asked.
"Yes! Cooties! Are they germs? Do they cause some form of communicable disease? Can they be destroyed? Are they common? ARE THEY DANGEROUS?"
"Dangerous?" the kid asked. "Um, no. I don't think so. I don't know. Maybe. Probably. I think so. Yes. Definitely!"
"I KNEW IT!" Zim shouted. "And of course the Dib would have them. He probably plans to infect and destroy me with them. But I'll show him. He won't make a corpse out of me! I AM ZIM!"
"Uh, can I go now?" the kid said, looking a little terrified. Zim let go of him.
"Yes. You've been very helpful. When the Earth is conquered, I'll make sure to give you a candy bar before you're destroyed."
"Thanks!" The kid grinned, then ran off to rejoin his team. Zim rubbed his hands together gleefully. Now that he knew what the Dib human was planning, it would be simple to put a stop to it and, even better, turn Dib's own plan against him! But this would require stealth. And, most of all, secrecy.
Zim marched over to where Dib sat, writing in that blue notebook. "Dib!" he shouted. "I know what you're planning. Well, your cootie infestation will never bring down an INVADER!"
Dib looked completely blank. "...cooties?"
"YES, you smelly meat-brain of... meat! Cooties! Those dreaded germs that cause horrible diseases!"
"Oh, cooties!" Dib said with a faint snicker. "You mean what Zita said? Yeah, we Earthlings are absolutely terrified of cooties. Those little things are made of polluted water. They'll crawl inside you head and lay eggs in your brain, and gradually eat you from the inside out. And I'm gonna release them inside your house!" Though he tried to control it, Dib was visibly shaking with laughter now. Zim folded his arms.
"You're lying," he said. "I get it. You do not possess the 'cooties' at all, do you. WELL! Now that I know this great Earth weakness, I shall EXPLOIT it by finding these cooties!"
He turned and marched off, not hearing Dib's muttered comment, "Yeah. You do that, Zim."
Zim was heading back to the basketball court when he felt it. Something shoved him, jostling his PAK.
"YOU DARE TO-" Zim whirled around furiously with his fists clenched, but there was no one there. "Wha-" Dib was still sitting by the wall, writing. The coach and the other human children were still on the basketball court. Zim glanced around wildly, again and again. He rubbed his eyes. But he still couldn't see anyone. Uneasily he backed away, then ran back to the basketball court. Not that he had any intention of joining the humans in their ridiculous, pointless game. He just wanted to avoid the teacher's suspicion.
He grinned to himself, forgetting about the strange occurrence of the invisible push. He was already forming ideas on how to unleash cooties on the entire planet, forcing all the humans to their knees!