He Who Holds My Heart
~ Emma Louve
Dedicated to "LS"! (This one's for you! Hope you like it!!! NO FLAMERS MERCI)
If loving someone was supposed to be filled with good, then why does it hurt? Why does it seem that the heart-wrenching silence tears me apart piece by piece when he's gone? Why does it hurt me so? Isn't love supposed to be something beautiful and gentle? If so, then what's this pain that haunts me late at night when I lay in an empty house knowing he is gone? Does he not feel it too? Can he not feel this unbearable impossibly cruel pain?
He comes and he goes. I've excepted that so why does my heart twist itself until I feel I can barely breathe when I see him walk out the door or why my vision swims and I feel lightheaded like I'm about to faint when he says that final goodbye and goes on his way? Why, oh why, can't I just forget him? Why won't my heart seize to flutter erratically when I see him smile at me with that brilliant, affectionate smile? Is it because I know deep in my heart that he will eventually return to me? Because I know deep within myself that I will see his face again and that when I do, the good will outweigh the bad?
Sometimes I feel as though my love for him…well it feels as though it isn't mutual. I do believe that he loves me, but to him, I am probably just a friend. A damn good one but still, just a friend. I see the way he looks at me and he looks at her – the other girl or "woman". But what does he see in her? More importantly what does he see in me? And if he doesn't care for me in such a way that I care for him, why won't he let me be? Why can't he leave me with my distorted, aching heart to recover from this unbearable hurt? Why?
But then I half to ask myself the question I know keeps me here, waiting for him. If he doesn't love me, then why does he return? Is my heart just a toy he can play with to pass the free time? Does he really not care about me in any way at all? These questions – how they plague me… Day and night, my questions are shoved aside and left unanswered. Are they avoided because the answers are the ones I have dreaded them to be and he knows it? Because once I learn the truth his toy will be broken and unusable once more? Or is it something more? Something deeper than answers, something that cannot be said or stated with mere words?
To some extent, he is the worst and best thing that ever happened to me. When we are together I am as free as the wind, soaring to any height I please, moving to the ends of the Earth. But when he leaves, I am bound by the weight of his absence – crippling me until I am unable to move or speak.
And yet…through it all – the unbearable possibilities the answers of those questions could bring me and the damage inflicted on my scarred heart every time he leaves – he is worth it. My shining golden sun – the very person that makes my existence worth while – is worth it no matter how much pain it inflicts on me. He who holds my heart, my scarred, damaged heart, is the one who I live for. Forever and always I will be his and his alone.