Author's Notes: This is my very first Humor/Parody fic, as well as my first Twilight fanfiction - so this is a big thing for me. I read it to my sister earlier and she seemed to like it (she laughed a few times), I just hope it has the same effect on you. This is from Edward's POV and frankly, he's getting sick of Bella. I mean, who wouldn't? Rated T, just in case, for brief swearing and suggestions of sex - you know the drill.

Anyways, as always, please read and review. I appreciate feedback. Makes my day just that bit more brighter!

ON WITH THE STORY

Update: I've cleaned up the spelling a little bit and made very minor sentences to the flow. Meaning to do that for a while; it's only now that I've gotten down to it!

"You are so beautiful," she told me for what felt like the sixtieth time that afternoon. She stared into my eyes before commenting on them for what felt like the seventieth, "Your eyes are so beautiful; I could stare into them all day."

"As you have been all day," I gently pushed her away. We were sat on my bed, she was lying on top of me, and practically sweating desperation. Literally. Ever heard of a shower?

"Can you blame me?" she moved closer to me, kissing me roughly. Oh my goodness, she was such a bad kisser! Almost as if she was trying to swap as much saliva as she could, smearing the majority of hers over my closed lips. I should get an award for putting up with her.

She turned, so that she was facing the ceiling and lying her head on my chest, her messy, long, brown hair falling over my face and into my mouth, making me cough and splutter. Yes, vampires can cough.

She pushed herself up and away from me, heading to the window. For a brief second of hope, I thought she was going to jump. No such luck. She pulled open the curtains, letting the bright sun shine its rays on my pale skin. She then opened the window, thankfully letting her sweaty body odour drift out of the window and sparing my nose the horror.

Immediately, the annoying sound of twinkling started and my skin began to sparkle. "You're so beautiful," Bella repeated, watching me, eyes wide with awe.

Why couldn't I just burst into flames like the vampires in books – what I would do to swap places with Bill Compton in True Blood!

The curtains closed and Bella returned to my bedside, "Mrs. Bella Cullen. How does that sound, Eddie?"

Terrifying. "Lovely. I can't wait." Damn Carlisle for forcing me to propose to Bella. Make an honest woman out of her, he had said. Well, the idea of proposing to Bella had honestly almost scared me to death!

"Do we have to wait 'til the wedding? Why don't you just make me a vampire now? Do it, Edward. I want to be with you for all eternity – don't you?" Bella put on that awful whining voice that made my ears want to bleed.

I bit my tongue to stop myself from blurting out the truth and forced a smile, repeating all the bullshit I'd been feeding her for months, "Bella, I'm a monster. I don't want you to be like me; I'd much rather you stay human. I love you and if we're going to do this, we're going to do this right."

What I meant was: "Stop your whining, drama queen! I don't want to be with you for all eternity - a simple human lifetime will be tiring enough. I hate you and I wish I didn't have to do this."

However, Bella continued her whining, "But if I was to stay human, I would grow old and wrinkly, while you stay young and perfect; you wouldn't be able to love me!"

True. "Not true. You are beautiful and always will be. In my eyes, there is no one more beautiful than you." Other than Megan Fox. Hot stuff, eh? And did you see her in that movie... what was it – oh, yeah, Jennifer's Body. PHWOAR! And Leah Clearwater, whom I'd be giving a little visit to later...

Bella's phone rang and I rolled my eyes. One of her many admirers, I suppose. Jacob Black being number one admirer in the ranks at the moment. Bella 'secretly' loved all the drama between us. Little did she know, we vampires and werewolves enjoy a nice game of baseball each time there is a storm – Bella's invitation always seemed to get lost in the mail...

Bella ignored the phone, focusing on me. My mind wandered and I began thinking about the only baseball match Bella had attended, ending with me having to kill a good friend of mine, James, for Bella, who justhad to wear that perfume "Eat Me," that smelled like roses painted with blood – something James couldn't resist.

You see, James loved roses. He'd a whole private rose garden to himself. Tended to each and every one of them, night and day. All dead now. Thanks to Bella.

As if she'd read my mind, the she-witch herself spoke up, "I want white roses for my wedding. They're so pretty and they will go well with your skin. Sounds good, eh?"

Sometimes I did wish I could read her mind but I knew I wouldn't find much. Her mind seemed to be full of only one thing – me. Obsessive personality, methinks. Not exactly the mind of the pleasant and sane, at the very least.

My own mind wandered further back. I remember the canteen where she first smiled at me. I preferred those times when she didn't talk as much.

She'd had a piece of meat stuck in between her top front teeth. I couldn't help staring. Emmett had nudged me, noticing it too. We'd had a great laugh about it later.

"...and then you'll make me into a vampire – forever your undead bride. Isn't that romantic?" Bella finished, hugging me so tightly that if I needed to breathe then I would have suffocated. I just nodded, having no idea what she'd been saying but then a thought occurred to me.

"What about your parents?" Surely Bella cared about them in the slightest bit.

"Oh. Charlie? He can look after himself. Has been for years. He'll get over it. And mum's got Phil now. Like they give a crap about me!" Here we go again, looking for sympathy and a cuddle; maybe even more.

I gave in, holding her to me, stroking her greasy hair and wiping it off on my trousers, "What about Wolf-Boy?"

"What about him?" came her reply.

"Well, he's madly in love with you." Bella could be incredibly slow.

"Oh. Yeah. Right. Well, he'll move on. I've got my man," Bella grinned up at me, kissing my chin.

Lucky me.

She sat up, her hand trailing down my stomach, biting her lip in what she must have thought was a sexy manner, "Edward, there's no reason to wait until after the wedding. We're both here. Alone. And in love. There's no one else I'd rather lose my virginity to. You're my soul mate."

She was acting so desperate. This happened every time she came around to my house. On the other hand, although she was completely brainless, she was weirdly attractive. I was tempted.

But no, they would be here soon. And there were plenty more (less irksome) fish in the sea.

I could hear Rosalie outside the door. 'They're here,' she thought, moving away and down the stairs.

I had to stifle a smile; their thoughts clouding my mind. They were coming up the stairs – I could almost taste their excitement, mixing with my own.

"Hurry up," I said aloud by mistake, and Bella, who'd been kissing my chest, looked up.

"You mean, you actually want to do... it? Now? With me?" Her face lit up at the prospect.

"Yeah. Sure. Whatever," my mind was elsewhere. They were at the door and through it, just as Bella was pulling off her top.

"Oh my god!" she screamed, falling off the bed and standing quickly, back against the wall, holding her top over her exposed chest.

The Volturi all had their eyes on her, mildly amused by this behaviour, before they turned their attention to me.

Bella spoke then; her voice high pitched and filled with terror, "Edward, what are they doing here? What's going on?" She stared at me, while I greeted the Volturi.

"Thanks for coming. She's over there – as you may have already noticed," I directed them toward Bella, who was looking at me with fear and confusion.

"Edward, what are you doing?" Bella was using her annoying whining voice again. I hated that voice.

Aro smiled at Bella in what one might mistake as friendly, "My dear Bella Swan, you are so very talented. And the Volturi could use your talents... if you choose to join us, that is."

"But my place is here with Edward," Bella edged over, moving closer to me. "Although I'm flattered that you think I'm talented."

Yeah. Even I was shocked by that one. I mean, she was a walking human shield thing. Against mental stuff. Whoop-di-doo.

I took a step back, hands raised in a surrender sort of motion, "Seriously, Bells, go with the Volturi, I'll be okay." Actually, I'd be more than okay – free, happy, single, ecstatic; so many words I could use to describe it!

Bella opened her mouth to protest but Caine cut across her quickly, "And we'd make you into a vampire."

That did it. She smiled brightly, dropped her top and walked over to the Volturi, totally ignorant of the fact she was nude from the waist up as she had neglected to wear a bra that day. Typical Bella.

"You don't mind, do you, Edward?" she looked back at me, doubtfully.

I tried to hide my delight at her quick acceptance of their request and put on a slightly sad face. Thank you acting classes! "Go Bella, you should be with them, not me. I'll be fine." This was like something out of a boring romantic movie that Bella would make me watch each Friday night.

Oh no, she was about to start crying! How embarassing!

"I will see you soon. I'll write to you every day. I know we're meant to be – we're soulmates! And I will come back to you, one day," Bella said, wistfully, wiping a small tear from her eye. "If only you could come...why can't he come?" She looked over to the closest member of the Volturi, Aro.

"Only one place available. So I think we'd best leave now," he said quickly, pulling Bella out the door by the arm.

"Wait," Jane suddenly said, deciding to intervene. The corners of her mouth turning up into an evil smirk. The Volturi and Bella halted and looked at the youngest member of their group. "Maybe they should kiss goodbye – they may not see each other again for a very long time."

All looked at me and Bella smiled sadly.

I hated Jane. So much. Why couldn't she just zap me instead?

Bella walked over to me, she stared into my eyes, I could see tears forming. She put a hand on the back of my head and kissed me. Did I mention how bad she is at kissing? After about a year, the kissing stopped. She leaned her nose against mine and whispered, "I love you so much. I will see you again. Some day. Then we shall be wed. I'll miss you so much, Edward." She lifted my hand and laid it on her flat chest, "And stay pure for you."

Gee, can't wait.

"Can't wait," I kept my face straight and sarcasm out of my voice, "I will also stay, er, pure for you."

She pushed away from me and went over to the Volturi again, finally lifting her top along the way and putting it on. She waved at me and exited the room, followed closely by the Volturi. The last thing I heard her say before they left was if she could have one of their fancy robes when she was a member.

I went to the door, calling out, "Don't forget to shower!" to her departing back. I closed the door and fell onto my bed with a happy sigh. My own phone beeped and I read the text with a grin, picking up a condom and heading to Leah Clearwater's house.

100 year old virgin my ass.

HA! Betcha didn't expect that. ;) Please R&R. Tell me what you thought, I don't mind.
For any True Blood fans too, hope you appreciated me adding it the Bill Compton quip.

Oh, and so that the little blue Disclaimer fairy doesn't come along and kill me - I do not own Twilight or True Blood or anything related. This is purely for entertainment and fanfictional purposes only.

*Is fanfictional even a word?

Thanks for reading! xo