What the Water Gave
She slammed a flat palm against the door before opening it revelling in the way the sting vibrated through her hand. She added a hefty kick made a little awkward by the pointed toe on her boots but it would have to do when she wasn't quite livid enough to punch it and break her hand. The noise echoed throughout the building, but she really couldn't bring herself to care. Let all of those selfish fuckers hear.
"Carla!"
Heavy footsteps echoed down the staircase behind her like clumsy thunder and she growled finally pushing the decidedly un-battered door open and hurrying off into the rain. She had no plan, no idea where she was going; she just needed to be away.
"Carla, Carla will you just stop for a second!"
There was the thump of the door slamming closed behind her as she stormed across the car park, hands curled into fists and her heels echoing sharply like machinegun fire.
It would be him that followed him, somewhere under all the blinding rage she was somehow surprised and yet it was somehow familiar. There was a large puddle in her way probably caused by a blocked drain but she did not alter her direction or speed even with knowing there was a worn hole in the heel of her favourite boots.
A cloud had descended in her mind and all do was mutter a constant stream of profanities, too angry to actually communicate why she was so angry.
"For god sake woman slow down! Carla!"
He sounded distant now, as if he had just stopped and watched her from the doorway but she would not risk slowing down enough to check. Maybe he thought she was doing this all for show and would head back upstairs with him after a temper tantrum like a teenager.
That was enough for her to choke back a sob, they had not known each other for long and they had been friends for even less but she wanted to believe he knew her better than that. For all her intensity she was rarely this dramatic without reason, her new family should understand that, should understand her and not make her feel so bloody ashamed for feeling.
She suddenly wished she had remembered her car keys or at the very least her purse to pay for a taxi. The power and speed of a car very alluring, she wanted to be reckless, wanted the wind in her hair and wanted to never ever stop because then she would have to think and process and she would be alone.
She held her head high and breathed through her nose, her heart beating hard in her chest as her long wavy hair plastered heavily against her head as it dripped down her back. She needed to hold onto her rage, if the adrenaline faded she would cry and she would not give them the satisfaction. Instead she focused on the look on her husbands face, the unapologetic lack of understanding in his eyes. Damn him for doing this to her. Damn him for making her feel this way.
The pavement was crumbling and she was forced to pay a little extra attention to stop herself from falling. She had found herself on what she supposed was the main road. It was just as desolate and oppressive as the block of flats she had spent the last two hours.
She was not familiar with the area and did not really know the couple they had been visiting. Apparently Michelle had been good friends with them in school and so nearly the whole Connor clan had attended their party. No one else could even be bothered to learn her name.
Dark clouds filled the sky making it seem later than it was and the shadows seem darker. She could very well be lost in an unfamiliar and known dodgy area and she could not bring herself to care. It was fitting, so was the way her dark silk blouse clung to her body, sodden and most likely ruined as if it was physical representation of what her life had become.
And then she was at a standstill, still so very angry but her feet hurt and practicality overruled her need for the dramatic. She glanced around attempting to get her bearings, she would not go back to the party, not after the way she had hissed and stormed out. It would either be humiliating her returning like a naughty puppy or even worse if none of them had noticed her absence over the loud music.
Besides, she decided, as she struggled to keep her eyes open against the torrential rain, she did not want any of them seeing her look like she'd thrown herself in the nearest large body of water, especially her husband and especially after he had been drinking. She wiped at her eyes with numb fingers and only succeeded in smudging her mascara further. Maybe she had enough change in her jeans pocket for a bus home.
Not that she could see any signs of a bus stop.
She wasn't going to give in and she sure as hell was not going to cry. Even if it meant walking till she stumbled across home. She would not let him make her think the whole problem only existed in her head by giving in when he ignored her. Paul never followed her and she sometimes wondered why she kept hoping.
Enough of the blind rage had dissipated so that she turned swiftly at the sound of someone approaching her at speed. Just for a moment a little scared and a little small till she squinted enough to realise who it was. Then she was mostly irritated and a little proud that this time he had not ran straight back to his big brother, unless that was who sent him.
"Geez Carla if you're going to take up sprinting at least do it in the summer and in a neighbourhood that's not full of muggers." Liam moaned in an attempt of light heartedness, panting a little more than he would have liked after jogging around for the last ten minuets in an attempt to find her.
"If you've been told to come and fetch me like a good little helper monkey you can piss off and tell my selfish git of a husband I aint coming back this time." She snapped just about catching the look of hurt that flashed through his eyes before it was overcome with irritation.
"Contrary to popular belief I'm more than capable of making my own decision. And your caring husband has not even noticed your absence so if you want to be the bitch everyone thinks you are fine, I'll leave you to it."
She hates seeing his rare displays of anger, especially when it is aimed at her. It had taken them both a while to accept each others presence in their lives and a little longer to consider each other tentative family.
But his anger eased her own till she was just standing awkwardly shivering against the growing chill feeling heavy and overwhelmed with sadness and guilt. Another little piece of her hope destroyed. She wondered if it would ever leave her entirely and if her husband would always let her down. He did not even have to follow her for some clichéd romantic apology in the rain but she needed something to stop her feeling so irrelevant.
"Smarter than you look Leebugs," A faint smile formed on her full lips and he knew to take it as an apology. Hating the way she averted her gaze at the mention of Paul's disinterest anyway.
"I'm not going to crawl back to him." She told him firmly knowing from past experience how Paul would put his arm around her when she returned and how hollow it would feel as he laughed as if dismissing her fears without saying a word. She hated being made to feel stupid and that what she felt was wrong.
She still did not understand how that had happened. They had both been working so hard at getting along better lately.
"You can't just stay here Car, you've probably already got pneumonia." He argued hands buried in his pockets out of habit and to keep warm in that way that always made him seem younger.
"I am defiantly not letting any of that lot seeing me like this, especially him!" It was not just her vanity winning. She felt small and sodden and so unlike how she wanted to feel and appear. She wrapped her arms tightly around her middle; ignoring the way the fabric clung to her skin and cursed the cold she knew she would have the following day.
"Well I wouldn't be too embarrassed. There is a certain see through quality to your outfit that I'm sure will make you very popular." He looked her up and down as he spoke, something in his tone a little too truthful for it just to be an attempt to cheer her up.
A short laugh escaped her lips and her cheeks would have flushed if she was not already rosy with coldness. Liam always did that when she was least expecting it. It was silly and vain but she liked the way he would sometimes feed her ego when she really needed it no matter how often he complained about the size of her head.
"Just because I was man enough not to go back and grab a jacket." She teased back as Liam shifted uncomfortably in a hoodie that she did not think belonged to him anyway. The cotton garment did little to keep out the rain and even under the hood his hair was wet and flopping against his forehead.
"When I was sure you weren't gonna come back by yourself I went back upstairs and grabbed the first thing I saw before starting the big search. What were you trying to do?" He asked and even though he sounded a little like his mother scolding her he sounded genuinely interested.
"There was no real plan Lee. Maybe I hoped he would prove me wrong but I didn't expect him to actually do it. Haven't for the longest time." She answered with honestly that surprised herself, staring at his trainers. Sometimes she thought the brothers were a double act and being upset with one felt like being upset with both. But under the rain and darkness this man who still dressed like the teenager he was when she had first met him felt like hers.
Liam did not know how to respond. He hated seeing any hints of trouble in the relationship between his brother and wife. Mostly he hated hearing any details about them at all. They made him feel uncomfortable and anxious and at first he had thought it was because Carla was some kind of bad influence. Right now he just hated how Paul had somehow made such a strong woman look so fragile.
"Look I'm soaked through and you are wearing a lot less than me. Let's just go back inside. We can avoid Paul and get wasted and warm." He offered alcohol as a peace offering and normally it would be just what she needed. But tonight wasn't normal, tonight felt like an end.
Tears burned her eyes as she shook her head, "I can't go back there." She insisted at a whisper, backing off as if she was going to run again if he tried to make her. She did not think she would get far without the anger to spur her on.
Instinctively he reached out and gently grasped her elbow in attempt to steady her as she fought against the tears.
"What happened Carla?" He asked urgently finally understanding and accepting this was not just another argument between the stubborn couple.
She smiled humorously up at him but did not try and shake off his grip. "Nothing new just Paul ignoring me while he pretends to be charming and social." Her smile turned into more of a grimace as she remembered how left out she had felt with her supposed new family happily conversing with old friends she had never met. She had never felt so invisible or so obviously lonely.
A new guilt built inside Liam. He had been too busy flirting with a blonde to even notice Carla was on her own. He pulled her into a bear hug ignoring her half felt protest. Their wet clothes and skin made it a little uncomfortable and sticky but then he felt the heat of her body slowly combine with his.
"What are you not telling me?" He spoke softly bending his neck so that his mouth was next to his ear.
He heard and felt the sob that escaped her and he tightened his grip around her slim body. Her hands clawed for a better grip across his back.
"I was going to try and be the dutiful wife and bring him another drink. Pathetic of me really but he always says I don't include myself. Fucker. He didn't even notice me behind him. He was talking about seeing some older woman. Liam I think he is having an affair." She finally admitted, chocking on the words as she buried her head into his chest.
For once Liam did not automatically defend his brother. It felt impossible to him, that any man who was lucky enough to be married to a woman like Carla would even contemplate cheating let alone be brave enough. But it was the devastated way she clung to him that told him there might be some truth in Paul's betrayal or at least Carla was convinced.
He pulled back enough that he could look her directly in the eye. Her tears now ran freely down her cheeks and disappeared in the heaviness of the rain. He brushed a thumb over her cheekbone wiping it clean. He wanted to tell her Paul wouldn't dare but did not want to make himself the enemy when she needed him. He did not want to have to share that he knew Paul had cheated on some of his more serious girlfriends because he never thought his brother would do that to his wife.
"He is an idiot. A giant fucking idiot. You are too good for him Carla." He told her firmly. It was not something he would normally admit but sometimes he wondered if she had settled for his brother. He wanted to punch Paul for doing this to the one woman willing to put up with him.
"Oh what am I doing," It was a statement rather than a question. She let go of him with one hand and placed her fingers to her forehead so that most of her face was shielded from him. He does not want her to feel she has to hide from him.
"Nice attempt at girly consoling but you don't need too. It will keep till I find Chell." She punches him with just enough weight that his wet layers make a heavy noise in a forced attempt at sibling like playfulness. Her tone is lighter but painfully restraint as if she was trying to end the conversation before he told her she was imagining it or that it was true and it was her own fault.
"I mean every clichéd word." Liam makes sure he holds her eyes before he tells her, calmly and tries to communicate the true weight of the words. She really meant more to him that he ever knew and maybe he was just starting to comprehend the depth of his feelings. He can't help but find her amazing, wet hair pushed away from her face and nearly all make up washed away, small and consuming in his arms. She had never looked so honest.
Carla swallowed but did not answer. She found herself stuck under his gaze suddenly struck by the maturity that filled the pools of blue. She wondered if this was him finally growing up or if he was just as good at hiding as she liked to think she was.
He acts before he knows what he is doing. The combination of the cold, the fading buzz of a few beers and the way she finally seemed contented in his arms. He found himself leaning closer and kissing the soft skin of her forehead, sticky and chilled from the rain but undeniably her.
She hummed a little because, somehow, he was a comfort that started to fill the aching expanse of emptiness that had only grown during her marriage to Paul. It was as if she was seeing the whole world with new eyes. Somehow he seemed so different and yet it was as if she was seeing him properly for the first time.
The pair of them alone and lost. Maybe it was how it always had been.
The hood had fallen to his shoulders and she could see larger droplets of water collecting around his hairline and his ears before dripping onto his shoulders. She wished all the hurt and anger and history could be washed away till they were simply skin and bone and safe within the storm.
Her tongue darted out to taste the moisture that had collected on her lips and she wondered when the world had turned itself upside down.
It was the smallest movement, just a tilt of his head. His gaze already flickering between her eyes and full lips but his eyes closed as his lips finally grazed hers, gentle at first like the phantom caress of the rain. She was smooth, cold and hesitant but not unwilling with the gentle brush of skin. He thought he felt her sigh.
His hand cupped her chin and he gently moved her head so that he could deepen the touch into a real kiss. He needed more, wanted to feel the warmth that was behind her parted lips. Her arms found their way around his neck, drawing her body closer to his as her mouth opened to him. It was as if he could pour all the words that failed him into her as their tongues danced. The kiss was long and deep and tender and strangely more natural that he had ever felt before.
Eventually the moment was over and they pulled away in unison. Liam already regretting the consequences and the betrayal but he could not bring himself to hate the act. He brushed the moisture away from his eyes suddenly afraid to learn how she felt, how she would react. In that one moment with her lips against his he did not have to guess. Already he missed that closeness.
"Shit, I'm sorry Car." He muttered overwhelmed and confused and very, very tired.
Her face was filled with more shadows when he was finally brave enough to look at her. He saw regret there but did not want to think about what it meant. She gazed up at him as if she could see through him, he wasn't sure if it he wanted her reading his thoughts or not.
"Takes two Lee." She mumbled her fingertips grazing her own lips.
She felt panic bubble inside but she felt not anger at Liam. Here she was making a scene at the possibility of her husband cheating on her and yet she was willingly kissing his brother. Maybe it was her unconscious way of sticking two fingers up at Paul. It would not surprise most people who thought they knew her but she loathed that she would use Liam for her own ends especially when he was being so sweet to her.
"But you are upset and I'm big, ugly and a little drunk." He reasoned quickly as she retreated inside of herself. He needed to make it all better.
Carla shook her head fiercely "Don't make excuses for me. I have never been that meek little girl without enough brain power to make her own mistakes." She came back to herself to protect him seeing the look of fear turning his eyes a darker shade of blue.
"Is that what we are, a mistake?" There was a hint of hesitation in his voice and it was clear he was not just talking about the kiss. Suddenly it had tainted their entire relationship and the feeling of bereavement winded him like a punch to the stomach.
She stared at him again for a long moment, she swallowed and could taste the bitterness of lager and him, faint but impossible to ignore.
Something unreadable shifted across her face as she made a decision. She stepped forward and reached out for his wrist. With his hands back in his pockets the sleeves of the hoddie had rolled up slightly and touching his bare skin only seemed right and comforting. A small matching smile anchored him a little, and just maybe this was not a disaster.
"Never," She whispered blinking against the rain and possible tears. "That…this, it didn't mean that." Carla rolled her eyes at her own inarticulateness but saw from the amused way the corner of his eyes creased that he got it.
It did not matter who apologised or who was in the wrong. They were not angst filled and ready to start a torrid affair. It was a moment of comfort when words seemed to fail and it left her feeling more contented than she had been all evening. The night very well might be the mark the end of her relationship and she would not let that taint the rest of her life and destroy the odd friendship she shared with her brother in law.
Liam pulled his hand from his pocket and switched her grip so they held each others hands and used it to pull her into anther hug. His eyes closed at the feel of her. Sure now that nothing had changed and they had not fallen into a sordid mess. She was still his brother's annoyingly loud mouthed wife. Thunder rumbled across the sky and they both jumped a little and laughed at their shared childish reaction.
"So we're cool?" He asked pulling back a little to watch her face just as lightening forked through the sky.
"The coolest," She confirmed, reaching up to brush his floppy hair away from his face and tried not to laugh at how dorky he looked. Then she sighed and placed her forehead against his chest, her hands grabbing fistfuls of the front of the hoodie. "I might have lost everything else tonight I'm not losing you as well."
"Oh Car, you haven't lost anything. There might be an explanation for Paul being a bigger self important dick than usual." He felt her hiccup against his chest. One hand found its way to the base of her neck, his thumb tracing soothing patterns against her skin while the other was heavy against the wet tangles that formed her hair. "And if there isn't you will never stop being family."
The resolve in his voice was just enough for her to believe him.
"Promise," She demanded, biting down on her bottom lip.
"Cross my heart and hope to die." He sang in his best imitation of a school girl.
"You better. Let's just not do the dying bit." She instructed in her best bossy voice, straightening her arms so that she could use them to balance herself as she leaned back and shivered.
"What the hell are we still doing in this freezing dump?" She asked with an arched brow.
And then as if by magic Liam dug deep into the pocket of the hoodie. A massive cheesy grin on his face that made her laugh so hard her sides ached. With a pause for dramatic effect he pulled out his hand to reveal a wad of screwed up notes. More money than Carla had ever seen so carelessly shoved away.
"I do believe we have enough for a taxi." He winked.
"Oh Leebugs." She mock scolded him even as it felt like the most perfect ending to what could have been the worst night of her life.
"I'm gonna take you home and we are going to drink Paul's expensive whiskey supply dry and pass out all over that new fluffy rug you made him bye." He winked shoving the notes back into the pocket before they disintegrated in the rain. He had past experience of that happening at a music festival in his teens and his friends still mocked him for it.
"I'm down with that plan. Just lend me your phone so I can tell Chelle to make sure she picks up my bag and coat."
He handed over the phone and wrapped an arm around her waist as they started to walk towards a less desolate area of town or at least a street sign so they could tell their location.
"Do you really have no idea who that belongs to?" Carla asked curiosity overriding tiredness and the comfortable silence.
"Not a clue." Liam responded and honestly he was glad as he imagined it did not belong to the friendliest man he could ever meet. "You haven't seen what's in the other pocket yet."
And then he smiled the whole way home as she tried to guess, each one more outlandish than the next. He was glad they had not ruined this.