If I Loved You
Written by: Adventure-Seeking-Juliet
For: Round Three of the Quidditch League Fanfiction Competition, where I play Beater # 2 for the Kenmare Kestrals. For this particular story, I was prompted to write a rarepair (a couple with under 2,000 archived stories about them) in which one of the characters is/was in Hufflepuff. I chose Nymphadora Tonks and Charlie Weasley. I was also prompted: "Life is an ugly, awful place to not have a best friend."-Sarah Dessen and "When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know your name is safe in their mouth." - Jess C. Scott.
A/N AU, in which Tonks survived the Final Battle. As she struggles with her grief in the aftermath of Remus's death, she leans on her old friend, Charlie Weasley, but it soon becomes apparent his love is far from platonic. Just a little warning, this is kind of angsty.
"I wasn't actually in love, but I felt a sort of tender curiosity."
-F. Scott Fitzgerald
Dora Lupin stood on the front porch of her cottage home, bouncing a happy, gurgling baby on her hip. Tonks was smiling and murmuring to little Teddy, but the early morning sun, bright and clear, couldn't hide her puffy face and damp cheeks. She'd been crying again.
The familiar pop of apparition drew her attention to the edge of the lawn, where a ginger-haired man stood, waving uncertainly at her.
Tonks smiled a little brighter, "Wotcher, Charlie."
Charlie nodded in turn, grinning, as he made his way up to her porch, "I thought you'd forgotten about me," he explained, " You brought Teddy over to mum and dads and didn't even bother to say hello."
Tonks only shook her head, "What kind of nonsense are you spewing, Weasley? Of course I said hello." But she hadn't, and she knew it.
She opened the door to the cottage, "You'll come in, yeah? It's a bit nippy."
Charlie didn't really think it was nippy. It was a surprisingly warm summer morning, actually, but for some reason the argument died in his throat.
The cottage looked normal. It was fairly clean, but far from spotless, yet still, Tonks apologized, "I'm sorry for the mess. I try, really, but I'm a shoddy housekeeper, to be honest. Remus," She paused, as if she didn't quite know how to finish her thought, "Remus always did the house work. I'm bloody awful with household spells."
Charlie cleared his throat, hoping it would diffuse the tension, "Oh, no, I think it's quite clean, actually."
Tonks blushed, "Well your mum and mine have been helping…a bit."
Tonks offered him a cup of tea, though Charlie nearly choked on it. He spluttered helplessly, before managing a suffocated thank you.
"Erm—," She swallowed loudly, "Sorry Charlie. I'm used to making tea for Remus. You know he was quite fond of sugar."
"Yeah," Charlie chocked out, "No kidding."
There was an awkward silence; stiff and stale, it settled over their little gathering with a certainty that alarmed Charlie. He cleared his throat again.
"How—how are you doing, Tonks? You know, with everything?"
She smiled tightly, "I've been alright, Charlie."
"Good," He said, trying, and failing, to smile back, "If you need anything—anything at all, you only have to ask. I won't be returning to Romania until after Halloween."
Charlie didn't mention Fred. Tonks already knew what had happened, and Charlie didn't think it was the right time to bring it up. Molly had begged him to stay, so he had.
"Well, I guess I'll be going now."
Charlie took a few steps toward the door, but Tonks caught his arm before he could leave, "You know, maybe you could come by sometime and help me with the ghoul that's taken to our attic."
Charlie blushed, "I have some experience with attic ghouls, I'll be back tomorrow."
Of course, Charlie returned bright and early the next day. And the day after that. And the day after that.
Before long, he was spending every day at the Lupin cottage. Tonks seemed to find any excuse to invite him over—from ghouls to boggarts to gnomes—although Tonks could have easily taken care of all those things herself.
She told herself it was because she was lonely, but a part of Tonks enjoyed Charlie's awkward stuttering and furious blushes. It wasn't the same part of her that had enjoyed Remus's easy laughter and twinkling eyes, but it felt safe…and familiar.
However, it was deep into August before Charlie spent a night in the cottage.
Tonks had just popped open a third bottle of firewhiskey, when Charlie knocked.
She swallowed the burn in her throat, "Coming, Charlie."
Tonks stumbled to the door, giggling quietly. Her head was swimming, but she was still sober enough to un-latch the door.
Charlie grinned when he saw her, "Having an evening drink, Tonks?"
"Just a bit of one," Tonks replied, smiling, "Bloody Hell, Charles Weasley, get your arse inside." She yanked Charlie in by the sleeve of his coat, "It's freezing out there."
Charlie nudged her with his elbow, "And it's obviously warm in here." He touched his thumb to her cheek, which was flushed a ruddy pink.
Tonks stepped away from Charlie's thumb, "It's the firewhiskey," She giggled, "It'll keep you very warm. Here-," She handed him the bottle, "Drink up."
Charlie took a careful sip, then gasped, "That's good stuff, Tonks. Where on earth did you get it?"
She fell back on the couch in a comfortable huff, "It was a wedding gift. From Fred and George, actually." Her voice was quiet and tender, but when Charlie tried to comfort her, she angrily shook her head, "No. Give me the bottle."
He handed it over, and to his surprise, she downed a sizable portion, wincing in pain as it trickled down her raw throat, "I don't need comfort," Tonks slurred, "I need you to be the old Charlie. The one from seventh year-you were my best friend."
Charlie took another sip.
"I was never your best friend, Tonks," He said, shuddering with the burn of the drink, "Couldn't you tell? I was in love with you."
Her eyes widened, " But you never said anything at all! How long?"
"It was a bleeding shame, yeah," Charlie replied, slowly, "Since fourth year...and you never noticed a thing."
She frowned, her thoughts shadowing across her face. "I'm knackered," She yawned, "Remember that time you tucked me in?"
Charlie laughed, "How could I forget? Sixth year. You were drunk off your arse...you asked me to kiss you."
There was a tense silence. Tonks struggled to her feet, accidentally knocking the bottle to the floor. She pulled Charlie to his feet and leaned against him," Will you do it again?" She whispered.
Her breath stank of alcohol and her skin was hot to the touch, but Charlie couldn't stop himself. He pressed his lips to the corner of her mouth, "I've wanted to do this for a long time, Nymphadora Tonks."
She wanted to correct him. Dora wanted to tell him her name was Lupin. She wanted to tell him that Teddy was asleep in the other room, but instead, she kissed him back.
The couple stumbled into the master bedroom, too intent on each other, to realize they were stumbling into the last room Remus Lupin had ever slept in.
The morning after was cold and windy. The heat of the night had dissipated in a flurry of light snowflakes.
Tonks had woken up early to the sound of Teddy's cries. She left Charlie lying in the bed, alone and naked, but didn't dare to look at him.
She fed Teddy, then rocked him back to sleep, all the time thinking of what she going to do about Charlie Weasley.
When he woke up, Tonks was sitting on the edge of the bed, staring at her wedding picture.
Charlie stretched out, yawning and grinning, despite the cold, "Wotcher, Tonks."
Her voice was steely hard when she replied, " It's not Tonks. It's Lupin."
Charlie's grin faded. Suddenly, the cold was stinging. He wrapped himself in the blankets and pushed himself up, "All right, whatever you you say Ton-"
"Lupin," She insisted, "You need to go home, Charlie."
"You are home," Charlie said, quietly, "I love you, Tonks. I always have. I thought-"
"You thought wrong," She snapped, " I don't love you. You'll always be my best friend, Charlie Weasley. But never anything more." The quiet that descended upon the room was deathly.
Charlie stood up and dropped the blankets. Without another word, he pulled on his trousers, being careful not to look at Tonks or the bed. He pulled his shirt over his head and stepped into his boots, then stomped to the living room, where he'd hung his coat the night before.
Dora Lupin followed him, still clutching the picture of the wedding.
"I want to love you."
Charlie cleared his throat, "I know."
He opened the door to the cold, and stepped out into it.
"If I loved you, I could be happy," Tonks continued, "but I can't. You deserve love, Charlie, and you'll find it."
He stared into her face, searching for something Tonks couldn't give him, and this time, she cleared her throat," Just not in my eyes."
A/N The fic was inspired by Delta Rae's song If I Loved You. I suggest you check it out. It's very good. :)