Title: Carry On
Author: TigerTiger02
Timeline: after What Is and What Should Never Be
Summary: Dean pondering.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Dedication: to Nikki and Chrissy, my Supernatural Buddies
Before the Djinn, Dean dreamed. He wondered what it would be like to have a normal life. White picket fence, apple pie and all of that bullshit. Normal seems to abstract now that at first it was hard to imagine. Then pictures begin to formulate in his mind and he slowly built himself a false life.
He would have a steady girlfriend, someone who was honest and noble, a complete opposite of what he was. She would be a brunette because Momma was blonde and Jess was blonde so he thinks he should break the pattern. Redhead's he could bear but they always seemed so wild and mischievous and while he liked that in a one-night stand he wouldn't want that all the time. She would have brown eyes because he's always thought that while blue eyes are honest there is something wicked cold about them and he can't stand the thought of hazel or green because they are Momma's and Sam's eye color. She would be sexy when she needed to be but not a slut. And… she would have an exotic name because he's a sucker for a pretty name.
In his dreams he's always working on cars because he loves cars and it was what Sir did in the before. He remembers being in the shop as a child and he loved every minute of it. He dreams he owns his own shop and he gets to be the boss instead of someone else because sometimes it just sucks to hand the reins over to someone else and have someone else control your life.
In his dreams Sammy is in law school, studying away to defend justice the good old fashioned American way without getting shot or having handcuffs. Sammy is married or engaged to Jess and she's so brilliantly alive. He imagines that Sammy and he are still good friends, doing crazy normal brotherly things. Not hunting, never hunting because it's too close to the reality and dreams are supposed to be for losing yourself in.
In his dreams Momma never died, she just aged a few years. She grew old with grace and her long blonde hair slowly graying. She was happy, her two boys successes and settling down. She nags Dean and Sam about giving her grandchildren and makes Dean Sandwiches for lunch when he drops in. She was and still is the best mother. She keeps the house in Lawrence tidy and there is no such thing as a fire there.
In his dreams Sir is just Dad. And dad never takes them hunting, instead he takes them to Disney World and on cruises and for their anniversary he takes Momma to Hawaii. Dad is still a mechanic, teaching Dean everything he knows. Sam learns too but he never forces Sam into anything. He doesn't get angry at Sam for going away to college to become a lawyer and instead is proud of him. There are no walls or broken fences or whatever between Dad and Sam, they have their angry moments but never for ditching the family or trying to forget his past. Dad is also proud of Dean; he clasps his shoulder and tells him, "Look at you Deano, following your father's footsteps. Making a name for yourself as the best mechanic in town. I'm so proud of you." And he is, there is no disappointment stemming from an incident when he was so young and he left Sammy alone.
In his dreams Dean mows the lawn instead of cleaning guns. He learns how to take apart of a carburetor and fix it rather then to exorcise demons. Instead of credit card fraud and petty thievery and hustling he becomes an honest mechanic. He doesn't learn how to break and enter but rather how to change oil and batteries. He doesn't have a revolving door of women but just one steady lover.
Those were his dreams though and the Djinn doesn't fulfill his every wish. Sure Momma is alive and Jess is alive. He is a mechanic as far as he can tell and Sammy is becoming a lawyer. But Dean is still a deviant, a delinquent. He's an alcoholic. He and Sammy don't get along. And Dad… dad is dead from a stroke. At least it's better than the alternative.
He sees this life and wants it; even though there are things wrong with it he still craves it. He wants to stay there, after all even though its only a few days out there, inside it's a lifetime. He's so weary of the fight and always worrying about Sammy. Why does he have to continue? It's been so hard. There have been so many near deaths… and dad… god dad. What if he can't save Sammy? What if the Demon wins? They've saved so many people and will continue to do so but at what cost? His father would tell him to suck it up; it's their duty, their job. If they don't do something then no one will and so many would suffer. But why do they have to do it? He doesn't know how many more beatings he can take. He doesn't know how much more he will be able to sacrifice. He doesn't know how much more of himself can die inside before he dies. And it hurts. It hurts just to continue and go and pretends.
His heart is in its death throes in his chest and his soul is rotting away. It's decaying and filling with maggots and other awfulness. He feels pieces of himself dying and getting destroyed with each hunt. He's running on fumes and going uphill now. And now the FBI is after him and Sam and they are wanted men. It's making their job, their duty, so much more difficult. It would be easier just to move to Canada and forget about everything. Because he's so tired. So tired of it all and it hurts to exist sometimes. Sometimes it hurts so much he wonders if he's actually dead and in hell. But if it was hell Sammy wouldn't be there so that's how he knows he's alive.
All he wants now is to lay down his sword and lay his weary head to rest. He wonders if the peace will come when they are done and the only thing that is keeping him going is Sam, his father's voice echoing in his head, and the thought of it ending. His dreams used to keep him going but the Djinn has corrupted them and he can't stop thinking about that fantasy world. But he reminds himself that its better he came back because Sam would be lost without him and he just couldn't bear to do that to his baby brother. He has to do this for dad, for Momma, for Jess, and for Sammy. So he shoulders the burden and carries on.
A/N: this is just something I've had on my mind since seeing the last episode. I'm having difficulty with the next chapter to Stricken so be patient. I've been trying different directions to go with this next chapter and finally found one I liked so I might have it out within the next month. Definitely in two months because it will be summer and I will have graduated!!!