1. 'Tis better to have loved a loser.
It was a tall bottle, nicely shaped. Cool to the touch and heavy in the hand. It was 18 years old and was probably worth more then anything else in the room. It was as sweet and smooth as it was toxic and deadly and it was inches from Tom Sloane's mouth. None of that registered to him, all he could feel was the gnawing feeling of pain from deep inside himself. He stared into the bottle with no more purpose then one might glace at at a passer-by on the street and yet with a raging thirst of a man trapped in a desert. But he couldn't focus on it clearly, Tom's mind was elsewhere.
Daria
It was the thought that consumed his days and plagued his nights. It was the thought of not having her beside him and knowing that she never would be again. Voices of poorly placed advice sounded over and over again in his head.
His old class mates from Fielding Preparatory Academy:"Just find another girlfriend, man. Chicks are basically all the same"
They weren't all same, Daria was different. So very different.
"I bet you can find a way hotter girlfriend anyway"
Maybe, Daria was attractive but not a total supermodel, not the way she dressed anyway. But he liked her for more then her looks.
"She wasn't worth you're time anyway"
That was wrong, so very wrong. She was worth so much, more then he valued himself probably.
"Time heals all wounds, Tom", his father's voice.
He could be right. He could be. Actually Tom was sure that was the most truth he had heard about the whole ordeal. He would heal over time but what was he to do about the pain in the meantime?
"Just get drunk and forget about it for a while, you won't care as much when you're plastered"
A guy from a Mystik Spiral concert had given him that advice. Looking at the bottle wrapped tightly in his fingers now he wondered why he was listening more to that then anything else. Maybe because it was true.
He eased his grasp and placed the bottle down. It was stupid and irresponsible advice though. Tom had achieved enough through stupidity already to know that more of it wouldn't help. Raising his hand to his face he noticed his fingers had become swollen and red from the tight grip he had maintained.
"The term chicken fingers is misleading", Daria's voice. Or the echo of it inside his memory. It was likely to be the only way he would hear her voice again now. Grudgingly he closed his eyes and remembered back to the events that brought him here. They had gone out for pizza the three of them Daria, Jane and him. As soon as Jane left them alone she had decided to drop a bombshell on him.
"Yep its official I didn't get into Bromwell", Daria said more to her slice of Pizza then to him.
In an instant he was shattered they wouldn't be together through college any more. It was still ok Raft college was close enough but he was smart enough to know that if he didn't play his cards right this would wind up ending badly. He wondered if Daria knew it too, Of course she does, she's smarter then you. He quickly drifted back to Daria, surely she must be hurting after being rejected from. Say something dammit, something sincere
"I'm really sorry, and after my parents wrote such a glowing recommendation too". Idiot, that was hardly sympathetic. He endeavoured to do better with his next response
"Shocking isn't it. I'm such a loser that even a nod from the Sloanes couldn't help me" Now she was bringing his family into it again. Even when they're not around they still interfere with his life. He was getting way to tense about it again. Calm down Tom, he kept telling himself, try to be diplomatic.
"That's not what I meant". Great job there.
"Good. Because I'm not a loser and even if I didn't go to the right prep school or pull the right strings or donate a wing". His family interfering again, this was really starting to grind on him. When would she accept him for who he was and not where he came from? He did it for her.
"That was my uncle!" You're losing it, Tom, he thought helplessly. Bite you're tongue and think before you speak or something!
"Listen, you're a smart guy and a good student, I'm sure you deserve to get into Bromwell and I wish you every success there." She wasn't meeting his eyes at all now. Why was she being so difficult?
"Well that's a nice thing to say even if that Daria voice of yours makes it sound like a kiss off"... IDIOT! Definitely not the right thing to say... "Wait!"
"I think we should break up" She said it so definitely as if it was a matter of fact rather then a life changing decision that's what hurt him the most. Daria was always a bit unemotional but to say something like that without any feeling, it was agonising. He wasn't going to just let this happen.
"What? When did you decide this?" you've really done it now. Why couldn't he think straight? All he wanted was to smooth things over with Daria, more then anything. But his head was a mess of anger and disappointment and shame and it was all getting in the way of the very real feelings he had for Daria.
"Just now." Shouldn't have said it was a kiss off.
"Because I got into Bromwell and you didn't? That's not fair Daria" He seriously had to calm down if he was going to take control of this situation but he couldn't help his burning frustration. First my family, now Bromwell. Why does everything in my life force Daria and me apart? Breathe, Tom. You have to hold on to her... you have to.
"Its got nothing to do with Bromwell" her expression was changing now she was so sad, she was hurting as much as he was and it was starting to show. He hated seeing her like that so much that all his anger left him and he started only thinking about making her happy again, well as happy as Daria usually was anyway. He loved seeing her happy, remembering the few times she actually laughed... Fix this, Tom, fix it!
"Well if its not about Bromwell then what, why?"
"Because I'm going one place and you're going another"
"So what? We won't be that far away" Good, Make it work.
"I don't mean physically, I mean you're from one place and I'm from another and college is going to make it even more obvious" She was right, she usually was. Why did she have to be so smart? Couldn't he have found a dumb cheerleader to date instead. No, her intelligence was one of the things he loved about her. His heart ached at the thought of that. Have I even told her that I love her? His heart ached even more at that thought.
Think Tom, say something!
"I don't believe that" LIES. That sounded insincere even to him.
For the first time in a long time she stared him dead in the eyes again with that sad face of hers. This is torture.
"Tom we have little enough in common as it is, now we won't see each other for months at a time and every time we do it will be more difficult to pick up where we left off" I like that you're different. She was breaking his heart but even doing that she was so direct, so smart... So Daria. Hold on to her. Even his own thoughts were starting to sound doubtful.
"Not if we work at it" MORE LIES!
"Why should we work at it when we're already getting bored" And there it was, a side serve of truth to go with the Pizza, right on time. It was true that things were becoming monotonous but he had thought college would change all that. That they would mature in college and the relationship would mature with them.
"Who's bored? I'm not bored" He had to wonder now why he was even still trying to convince her. She had made up her mind.
"Really? Or are you just upset that I admitted it first" She looked into her pizza slice again, sadness written into her every feature. Tom dropped his head and looked into his own slice. He wasn't sure what upset him more how right she was or that for the first time since they had met he couldn't do anything to cheer up that sad girl sitting across from him. "You'll get over it, we both will" she finished up with that. She acts so callous all the time and the last thing she says to me is something actually heartfelt, albeit bitter-sweet. No wonder he had fallen in love with her and now he would never hear her laugh again. Never see her smile. Never look into her eyes... Idiot
They sat across from each other like that for a very long time. He had brought this whole thing on himself with his big mouth and wasn't about to open it again so soon after. So he just looked at the table and hoped something, anything would interrupt the moment.
"Hey kids! What's new?", Jane Lane, anything to interrupt us but Jane Lane . His other great dating success story walking over to them with pizza in her hands and a smile on her face. Tom looked up at her and Daria did the same neither of them bothered to change their bleak expressions giving Jane what must have been the shock of the century.
"Oops sorry wrong table", Still wide eyed she turned again and kept on walking.
Tom didn't stay much longer then that. Staying with one of his ex-girlfriends was bad enough even if they were still friendly. But two of them with one recently broken up with him? No way in hell.
So he ran out of there, got straight into his car and started driving. Didn't care where, didn't care at all he just kept thinking about what just happened over and over again. Idiot. Pulling up at a red light he resisted the urge to smack his head into the steering wheel.
"Idiot, idiot, idiot, idiot!" he screamed thumping the dash. The man in the car next to him stared at this display with an utter look of disgust on his face made more intimidating by the way his tie was out of place and his shirt all crumpled. The angry guy wound his window down he spoke to Tom.
"Son if I didn't have more PRESSING concerns you and I might be having SERIOUS words about how not to piss off other DRIVERS that you share the ROADS with" it really concerned Tom about the way one of the man's eyes kept bulging out of his head when he tried to emphasise a word.
"Luckily for you my various under appreciated TALENTS are required ELSEWHERE" With that to end it the lights turned green and the man drove away much to Tom's overall relief. He was in enough pain as it was without any black eyes.
That was more then a few days ago now and Tom still wasn't over it yet. He kept thinking back to that moment, what could he have said differently? Probably a lot. What makes things worse is that she was right. She's always right. She was so smart, so different, so wonderful. The thought of her was driving him insane and he just couldn't get it out of his head. Dammit!
With one last exasperated sigh he reached out to the bottle once more. Taking it in his hands he walked to his bedroom door and moved the deadbolt across, making sure it was locked. He picked up a glass he had brought with him and stood it firmly on his desk.
"It looks like it will just be you and I tonight my friend" he said absently to the bottle. Breaking the seal and casting the lid aside he began to pour generously into his glass, enjoying the trickling sound that seemed louder then it was.
"Funny, you almost sound like her laugh. Almost." he raised it to his mouth and held it for a very long moment. "You might sound like her but will you taste as sweet as her?" he pressed the glass to his mouth sipped slowly from it. It wasn't unpleasant but it wasn't exactly candy, either way his thirst was not yet satisfied. He opened his mouth a second time and this time took a longer mouthful. This one was much better. It seemed to warm him all the way down to his stomach and settle like a blanket around the gaping hole Daria had left in him. He was starting to feel a little better already.
"Yes, my friend, I think this is going to work out well after all".
Nothing else was said again that night and for the first time in what seemed an eternity Tom smiled. The echoes in Tom's head started to sound soft, as if muffled and from a far off place. The pain in his chest had numbed as if he had lost all feeling. Finally the image of the sad girl burned into Tom's head started to fade until everything was gone. Time heals all wounds, he mused, I'm sure it does but until that day comes this will be fine medicine indeed.
Without a thought in his head he drifted into his first peaceful nights sleep in more then a few days. He deserved it, though he would pay dearly for it in the morning.