Well - to continue, or not to continue? that is the question. Whether it is better in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous reviews, or to take stand against them, and, by opposing, end them.
It's just amazing how much Shakespeare (with a little hint of sacriligious tweaking) can fit the situation.
Seriously, though - I'd be honoured if you'd tell me what you think.
I don't need to say that this is slash, do I? I mean, this is BBM fanfiction... still, nonetheless - SLASH, LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, SLASH. HOMOSEXUAL RELATIONSHIP. We all on the same page now? Good, good.
OK, then. Please, please, please, review me. Tell me what you think. It means a lot to me, and it needn't take long. I'm not asking for concise notes on my grammar, or a detailed invoice into the psychology of my take on thecharacters. Just a little bit of feedback. C'mon - give me that.
DISCLAIMER: Unfortunately, not mine. Not for lack of trying, I hasten to add... ;-)
Ennis doubled up next the wall, sick to his stomach; he hadn't expected to feel this wrench on seeing the other man leave; he'd not thought that he'd gotten that attached to him. He'd hardly known him. Just known him enough to want to get to know him better, which apparently was enough to make him sick over losing him.
Jack Twist watched, frowning in confusion, as Ennis sprinted for one of the gaps between the barns and houses. He shook his head; Ennis del Mar wasn't his responsibility any more. They were nothing to do with each other anymore.
He managed to keep that fine impersonality for all of half a minute. Then he sighed, and put the car into reverse.
"What you lookin' at!" Ennis screamed, half-voiced, at one of the men who dared to approach him. Hearing a car draw up didn't help none either. "Who the fuck…." He started, weakly, losing the will to scream now. Losing the will to do anything much.
"You know," someone said, hunkering down to his level, practically on the ground, someone wearing jeans the exact same colour as Jack Twist, "I only got to know you for a coupla days. I dunno if I can stand you yet."
He risked a look up in the other man's face. "Yeah." He choked up.
"Reckon we should explore that idea."
"Mebbe so." He nodded. Jack picked up his bag, and shoved it into the back seat of his car.
"Get in." he said cheerfully, and for once, Ennis didn't complain or argue with him. Didn't do anything; just got in the car, and didn't ask where they were going, didn't talk about Alma – didn't remember Alma – and let Jack chose this road. Jack knew this sorta thing better than him, anyway.
He sat in silence for a minute, thinking, and finally said, softly. "You came back."
"Yeah. I came back." He nodded, eyes on the road. "You went out of my mirror; wondered where you'd disappeared to. Just checkin' you hadn't got jumped."
"Right. So… finding me puking my guts up…"
"Well; you shouldn't be walkin' around after that." He smiled. "I figured you could prob'ly use the lift, yeah." He shrugged, and they both knew that he was skirting the issue. It didn't matter. "You mind?"
"Naw. I was sick of walkin'."
There was another pause. "So – where d'you wanna go?"
Ennis considered it. "A long way from here."
"We can go as long as we've got gas, or money for gas."
"Where d'you figure to sleep?"
"Norm'ly I'll sleep in the back of this old lady." Jack's mouth twisted wryly. "And even familiar as we are, I jus'don' think that there's enough space for the two of us, even if we sleep right up close together. We could mebbe try..."
"I know a place where we can git a tent."
"Fair enough. Near here?"
"Near enough that we won' have to risk sleeping in the back of this old wreck."
"She ain't a wreck." Jack denied, but he was grinning. Keeping on hand on the wheel, he reached over and laid a hand on Ennis' shoulder. "I'm glad you're here." He said, softly, as if he half didn't want it heard.
Ennis shifted uncomfortably, and Jack almost thought that he wanted Jack to pretend like that had never happened – he didn't know if he could pretend like that – when Ennis reached up himself, and gripped the hand tightly for a couple of seconds, then put it firmly back on Jack's own thigh.
"Keep to drivin', you crazy rodeo." He said, gruffly, but there was the hint of a smile in his voice. Jack drove to his directions, his hand still tingling at that rough, loving contact.
If that was how Ennis showed affection, he could take it. He'd take whatever Ennis gave him of affection.
They ended up having to sleep in the car that night. It was far too damn cold to even think about sleeping outside, and they both opted to stay in the back of the car, both huddled under the same blanket, sharing body heat, and trying to ward off any "impure" thoughts. It might have been night-time, and they might have been in the middle of a car with enough dirt on the windows to act as a screen between them and the outside world, but this wasn't the pure privacy of Brokeback, and they weren't stupid enough to risk anything. This was the middle of nowhere, and anyone could see the car.
Ennis slept restlessly. Jack could tell, spooned right up against him as he was; Ennis was muttering about a man from when he was much younger, and Jack didn't think it was an experience that was going to be conducive with Ennis' new life decision.
"What you thinkin', cowboy?" he whispered, softly, but Ennis justtwisted again, nearly sending Jack entirely off the narrow backseat.
Ennis couldn't meet Jack's eyes the next morning. He grunted a greeting, and while Jack was grateful that his friend didn't ask to be driven back to the Alma girl that he'd mentioned before, he wished Ennis felt he could be open with him.
"What was you dreamin' about last night?" he asked, casually, shifting a can of soup between his hands. Ennis shot him a quick, shocked look, and muttered something about his daddy. "Your daddy what?"
"My daddy done showed me an' my brother what happens to queers." He said, fiercely. "He showed us."
"What he show you?"
"Guy that lived near us, him n' a "friend" of his. They dragged him round by his dick till it fell off; an' I don't want none of that."
"Hell, an' I do?" he asked, with a tiny smile, small to reassure Ennis that it wasn't at his expense. "An' I thought you weren't no queer."
"And you ain't, neither, right?" Ennis asked, with an equally tiny smile.
"You said it first." Jack pointed out, trying to find the wood to build a fire with.
"Then you are…"
"As much as bein' here with you, and wantin' you makes me queer." Jack shrugged. "I c'n get it up for a woman any day, but I want you to. What do that make me?"
"Queerer than queer?" Ennis suggested, grinning.
"Guess so." He smiled back. "But what about you, Ennis del Mar? You queer?"
"I'm here, ain't I?" he asked, harshly. "An' I reckon that I want you, too, so I guess that that makes me queer. Queerer than I thought I was, least ways."
"We're all queerer than we think we are." He said, softly, then smiled again. "Most guys just ain't got a good lookin' fella to help 'em work it out."
"Oh, an' who's the good lookin' fella here then, Jack Twist?"
"Me." He shrugged, then grinned again. Ennis launched himself at him.
"Don't reckon so." He grunted, pinning him, but Jack wrestled back, and they ended up scrabbling at each other, locked in a fight that was only half battle; a healthy part of it was reassurance and something that might have been love, if they had dared to look closely at it.
"Eh, get off me, you big cowboy." Jack panted, when they were collapsed, their "fighting" over and done with, Ennis the winner for this round, lying, as he was, half on top of the smaller man. "You're crushin' the breath outta me."
Ennis rolled off and to the side. "'M glad that you came back to check on me." He said, quietly.
"Yeah, me too." Jack nodded, decisively. "Cos I dunno when I mighta got the courage up to write summat to ya."
"Yeah." Ennis agreed, still in the same quiet voice. "I was thinkin', all that time up Brokeback, 'I'm breakin' my vows afore I've even made 'em', an' I got to wond'rin' how I was supposed to settle for Alma after you." He twisted and propped himself up on one elbow, looking down on Jack's face. "I'm glad I don' have to."
"So you don' wanna go back to her?" Jack asked, his voice casual enough that Ennis could tell he'd been nervous about this.
"If I'd wanted to go back to Alma, I'd'a kept walkin'." He pointed out, reasonably.
"An… you don' mind bein' here?"
"Bein' here, as in, in the dirt by your beat-up pile o' shit, or bein' here, being on a road in the middle o' Wyoming, or bein' here as in bein here with you?"
"Any." He said. "All. Um… All of 'em."
"'M not wild about the dirt; an' the car can go t' hell for all I care, s'long as we get a nicer one back." He shrugged. "An' I can't say I'm too thrilled with the road in the middle o' Wyoming, but I'm sorta quite glad I'm here with you."
"'Sorta quite glad'?" Jack mocked. "Jesus, that's almost lovin', comin' from you, del Mar."
"Well, don't you go to gettin' no ideas." Ennis almost smiled. "Cos I ain't gonna be sayin' it too much. Mebbe just on special occasions."
"That so?" he grinned back. "Right, well… let's see if I c'n get y'to say anythin' nice to me under pressure."
"What pressure would that be?"
"Hmmm…" he thought about it for a few long moments, one hand absently stroking up Ennis' chest. When he felt the other man squirm away, he knew he'd got his leverage. "How 'bout… ticklin'?"
"Oh, that's just…." He didn't manage to get any more words out as Jack attacked him. That sparked another roll around in the dust by the car, and they were both covered in a thick layer of it by the time Ennis finally choked out, between great snorts of laughter
"Fine, fine!" he choked back another gale of laughter. "Ye… yer car isn't half so bad…"
"You gonna have to try harder than that, cowboy…" Jack didn't relent in his tickling.
"You got great seat in a saddle." He tried, and Jack grinned, and let him up, but sat firm on his hips.
"I got a great seat, period, cowboy."
"Not when you couldn't fuckin' sit down, after a goin' over."
"'A goin' over'!" Jack repeated, incredulous. "God, you're just full of sweet, romantic comments, ain't you?"
"I don't think I got no sweet romantic comments, an' if it's romance ye're after, you'd prob'ly be best goin' after some rich fuck, who can afford to treat you nice." Ennis informed him, sourly. "You know it's gonna be a tough set o' years comin' at us."
"I got reason to know it." Jack nodded, "But I got reason to get through it, too. I'm sittin' on it, right now." He leant down close to Ennis' face, and said, softly. "I don't want no rich fuck who'll keep me nice and ride me roughshod, del Mar. I done picked you."
"You ain't gettin' out of it now, neither." Ennis promised him, wrapping one hand round the back of his neck, and pulling him yet closer. Jack could feel his friend's breath across his face, and he smiled. "You started somethin' an' we're gonna finish it."
"You think I start somethin' I can't finish?" he asked, mock-offended.
"Nah, I jus' don' think you know what we're gettin' ourselves into." Ennis sighed.
"O' course I know what we're gettin' ourselves into!" he protested, indignantly. "I lived in this world just as long as you have, Ennis, an' don't forget it! I ain't some little kid who don't know one thing from another!"
"You're a rodeo." Ennis teased, gently. "Rodeo's are, all of 'em, off their heads."
"Hell, y'know what?" Jack said, sitting back up again. "I don' even know how old you actually are."
"I'm twenty in a month." Ennis grinned lazily up at him, "An' it seems to me like I'll still be pressed on the dirt on my birthdee, less you get off of me."
Jack rolled to the side. "An' your daddy died when you was little, him an your ma both?"
"Yeah." He nodded. "How 'bout you? How old…"
"Same age as you." He shrugged. "Birthdee's a good long way away now, though. Nearly five months from now till I turn twenty."
Ennis looked slyly at him sideways, through short blonde lashes. "Shrimp." He said, softly.
"Comin' from him who was underneath me on the ground not five seconds ago!" Jack grinned. "Over confident, ain't we, cowboy?"
"Somethin' like that." Ennis nodded, decisively, but Jack knew him well enough by now to know that there was a smile hiding in certain places in his face; the corners of his mouth and eyes, the way his eyes seemed to take on another, extra sparkle when he was due to start smiling… Some people would have called Ennis del Mar difficult to read. Jack Twist would have called them crazy.
"I'd jump on you agin, but we got places to be." Jack couldn't force his own grin off his face. He knew he was grinning like an idiot, but couldn't quite bring himself to care anymore. "You an' me, we got an appointment with a tent."
"Up an' at 'em, rodeo." Ennis agreed, packing up the various bits and pieces they'd taken out the car. Ten minutes later, they were on the road.
The tent wasn't difficult to find. By the time Ennis got round to the other side of the car, Jack was standing looking down at it with both hands on his hips.
"An' you callin' this a 'tent'?" he asked, laughingly, "It's more've a sack."
"Don' go insultin' it." Ennis said, defensively. "It's better'n that old hunk o' metal you're passin' off as a car."
"That cars done me a good load o' years." Jack retorted. "An' at least you can tell it's a car. If I'd'a seen this ol' thing without you, I'd'a though it were scraps o' somethin' nasty."
Ennis considered his "tent". "I'm not so sure it ain't." he said, thoughtfully, then looked up with a smile. "So – now we got transport an' accommodation…"
"After a kind." Jack put in.
"What we gonna do?" Ennis' face clouded. "We cin only go as far as we've got money fer food an' gas, an' how long's that gonna be?"
"Long enough to git another job." Jack said, blithely confident. "When we're outta fuckin' Wyoming – well, there's other ranches than Brokeback."
"True enough." Ennis nodded, starting to gather up the tent. "Open the trunk, would'ya?"
Jack did so. "Y'know – before we leave Wyoming, you sure that you're gonna want to stay out? Y'know, not go back to your girl?"
"My girl!" he stared at him as if he were loopy. "Oh, you mean Alma! Well…" he paused, and Jack's heart flopped into his mouth. "Oh, stop lookin' at me like that!" Ennis snapped, irritably. "You know damn well I'm not goin' t'leave you. I were just thinkin' that I don't know as Alma's ever been anyone's girl; she's not the type, if'n you know what I mean. But yeah. I'm sure as I don' wanna come back here. So where we gonna go?"
"Somewhere we c'n get a job, I guess."
"Then we'll be stayin' in Wyoming, I reckon." Ennis said, off-handedly. "I mean; we're gonna haf to git some money; an' I don't reckon as how anyone's gonna employ ranchers as haven't got no skills nowhere else."
"Queer ranchers, too." Jack put in.
"You're mighty free with that queer business, ain't you?" Ennis said, sourly. "Now as you've got me t'admit to it. Fine, get it into your head, rodeo boy – I'm queer, you're queer, and that's why I c'n come to like screwing you, an' you don' mind me doin' it, OK? Now make sure you're happy enough with us both bein' queer as you don' have to make too free with it when there's someone around as might take offence to it, y'gettin' me here, boy?"
"I get you, Ennis del Mar." Jack nodded, quietly. "An' excuse me fer bein' happy that I got the man I love most in the world next t'me right now. Excuse me fer tryin' to remind you that I'm here the only way I know how."
"Couldn' you just tell me that you love me, like normal folks do?" Ennis grunted at him.
Jack stared at him. "I'd'a told you, if I didn' think that you'd run a million miles rather'n hear it!" he said, indignantly. "I thought t'myself, I'll keep real quiet 'bout it, so that del Mar don' know, cos he's sure t'be real uncomfortable with th' idea. If I'd'a known you was so calm with it…"
"Now, where would you get the idea as I didn' wanna hear it from?" Ennis asked, placidly. "Cos I sure as hell don' know. What'd I do, t'make you think that I didn' want you to love me?"
"Oh, mebbe it were you sayin' that you don' want t'have people thinkin' that we're different from them, bout twenty miles down th' road from here, this morning!" Jack cried. "Mebbe it were you sayin' 'I ain't queer', right after you'd fucked me! I don' know, Ennis, what d'you think it was!"
"I dunno." Ennis shrugged. "I guess I never really come to think of it, in the coupla days I known you."
"Yeah, well…" Jack said, uncomfortable. "Mebbe you can forget about it again."
Ennis looked at him, a calm, level gaze which made Jack twitch, nervously. Finally, he said, in a voice to match his gaze.
"Nah, I don' think I'm gonna be forgettin' it too soon. I think I'll be rememberin' that."
"Jesus, what's that supposed to mean! You soun' like you're thinkin' up a revenge for me for sayin' it…"
"I'm worried, is all." Ennis said, softly. "Cos if I'm in love with you after what, a week or two, what's it gonna be like after a coupla years?"
"You…you love me?" Jack said, shakily.
"'Course I do, idjit!" Ennis replied, laughing, and bundling up the tent to put it in the back of the car. "What?" he asked, in return to Jack's disbelieving look. "You think I upchuck every time one o' my friends goes away? I'm not that much of a pansy."
"OK." Jack shrugged. "It's just… I was so damn scared. That you were just… that you wanted to forget – all o' that. I got to thinkin' maybe you wanted to pretend like it never happened. An' now I find…"
"Well, let's not go broadcastin' it, hey?" Ennis rubbed a hand down Jack's shoulder, in a gentle soothing motion which belied his words. "Cos I love you, Jack Twist, an' I ain't gonna see you get killed fer me sayin' the wrong thing in the wrong place. I'll say it behind closed doors, an' where no one 'cept you c'n hear me say it, but I won' say it where people c'n take offence to it, you gettin' my meaning?"
"You worried that people gon' take offence a' us?"
"No." Ennis shrugged. "Bu' I'm worried 'bout what they'll do if'n they do take offence. Cos they ain't gon' get done for beatin' up and killin' some queer nobodies whom no one knew nor no one could stand up for. I won' have you gettin' killed on me, Jack, you hear me? You ain't takin' no more crazy risks on some piece of crap cow in no arena."
"But…"
"No buts, Jack."
"Not even just the one?" Jack asked, suggestively.
Ennis looked at him, blankly. When understanding finally dawned, he grinned slowly. "You're goin' to the devil, Jack Twist."
"Hell can' be half so bad, Ennis del Mar." he grinned back at him. "After all, you gonna be there with me."
"Sure am, honey." He nodded, and kissed him, hard. "And don' you go forgettin' that I'm gonna be with you now, too."
"How could I possibly forget?" he asked, "Now shut up an' kiss me, cowboy."
So... go on. You liked it really. Right?
Lol, etta. xxxxx