Touch Him And Die!
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Summary: Andromeda was over protective of Sirius and vowed to kill any girl that "threatens his innocence." Poor Marlene McKinnon is screwed...
Disclaimer: I own nothing! (Look its 3 am I'm too tired to come up with some creative disclaimer.
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Andromeda Black walked down the halls of Hogwarts.
It was a bright sunny day and the summer exams were finally finished!
Andromeda was a Seventh Year and was currently dating Ted Tonks, who she was looking for at the present moment in time.
She turned a corner and stopped dead.
Sirius Black, her thirteen year old cousin was pressed against the wall.
And thankfully it was not the Slytherins attempting to attack him without his friends around.
But it was worse.
Much worse.
Some blonde bitch was snogging her baby cousin!
And she most certainly did not like how low that girl's hand was getting!
Andromeda folded her arms and cleared her throat. Loudly.
Sirius and the girl sprang apart and Andromeda saw that the Blonde Bimbo was Marlene McKinnon.
That girl was dead meat.
"Um hi Andy" said Sirius nervously.
Marlene just grinned sheepishly.
Andromeda raised an eyebrow and gave them both a stern look.
Then she gave Sirius the 'Sod off I need to talk to her' look.
Sirius understood immediately, grinned apologetically at Marlene and walked quickly and quietly away refusing to meet Andromeda's eyes.
Smart boy really because Andromeda looked quite terrifying at that moment.
"Hi" said Marlene nervously.
"Yeah hi" said Andromeda flatly. "May I just ask WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING!"
"...Snogging" said Marlene nervously.
"I could see that!" snapped Andromeda. "But you were snogging Sirius! My little cousin!"
"Um, sorry?" said Marlene.
Well what else was she supposed to say? Andromeda was freaking her out!
"Let me make this quite clear" said Andromeda glaring down at Marlene. "You touch him and you die! Don't go below the waist line! Got it?"
Marlene gulped.
"Got it" she squeaked. "Don't go below the waist line!"
Andromeda nodded once and walked off without another word.
But she wasn't going to let the matter drop. No way, no how!
...
Later that day by the Black Lake
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"SHE WAS SNOGGING HIM MERLIN DAMN IT! HE WAS PRESSED UP AGAINST THE WALL! WHAT THE HELL WAS HE THINKING LETTING HER DO THAT!" Andromeda screamed pacing throwing her arms about in wild gestures.
"Uh Dromeda?" said Ted Tonks but Andromeda wasn't listening.
"DOESN'T HE UNDERSTAND WHAT SHE COULD DO TO HIM? GOD THAT KID IS SO NAIVE HE COULD GET KIDNAPPED AND WOULDN'T REALISE SOMETHING WAS WRONG UNTIL HIS THROAT WAS BEING SLIT!"
"Don't you think that's a little bit unfair?" suggested Ted meekly. "Sirius isn't naive he's just...very trusting."
"No Ted YOU DON'T GET IT! Aunt Walburga and Uncle Orion purposely raised him to be naive! They wanted him under their thumb!"
"Fat load of use that did" Ted muttered.
"Sure he doesn't go for the whole pureblood mania but he's still naive! He trusts too easily! He doesn't get how the world works! She is threatening his innocence!"
Ted blinked at her. Threatening his innocence? Really? Just...Wow...
"Merlin's beard Andy he's thirteen he's bound to get a girlfriend at some point! God I heard Sixth Years saying he was good looking! Do you want him to die a virgin?" Ted said.
"Yes" said Andromeda calmly.
Ted face palmed. His girlfriend was nuts!
Poor, poor Sirius...
"It's like you want him to be a monk!" groaned Ted exasperated.
"What the heck is a monk?" asked Andromeda.
"A monk is a man who...um how do I put this? ...Um...simply put they never get married or have sex or anything like that at all" said Ted.
"...Well they sound like a lovely group of men!" said Andromeda. "Very sensible! I wonder if I could get Sirius to consider it?"
Ted said nothing; instead he started bashing his head against the tree.
'Watch out Sirius, Andy's in Extra-Over-Protective-Mode!' he thought.
He pitied Sirius right now. Knowing Andromeda she'd try to put a tracking charm on him to make sure nothing happened!
...
The next day at breakfast
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"Oi James" said Andromeda walking over to the Marauders. "I need to talk to you."
"Andy I swear to Merlin if this is about Marlene again-" Sirius started but Andromeda cut him off.
"No Siri ("Don't call me Siri!" said Sirius) this isn't about McKinnon (who I am still gonna kill) I just need to ask James for a favour. C'mon James this is rather important."
James sighed and followed her out of the Great Hall.
This was so about Marlene again.
"What is it?" he asked leaning against the wall.
"I will give you fifteen Galleons to make sure McKinnon doesn't take my cousin's virginity" said Andromeda bluntly.
James blinked at her. "You're insane aren't you?"
Andromeda shrugged.
"I'm a Black it comes with the territory" she said. "I will give you an extra five to tell me when McKinnon has taken his innocence away."
"...No offence Andromeda but with Sirius' parents I don't think he's very 'innocent.' He's a bit...um...nuts if you ask me!" said James.
"Again we're Blacks it comes with the territory" said Andromeda. "So do we have a deal?"
She held out a small sack with twenty Galleons in it. (Remember the extra five is included)
James looked at it for a moment then he took it, "Deal."
...
Six Years Later- the Potter Household.
...
The Marauders were now nineteen years old and James and Lily was holding a Christmas party.
All their friends were there including Andromeda, Ted and their three year old daughter Nymphadora Tonks who preferred to be called Dora because; "Nymphadora's a silly name Mummy!"
James walked over to Andromeda and gestured to her to follow him into the hall.
Andromeda came back in a moment later, looking for all the world like the terrifying Black she was born as.
"MCKINNON!"
Marlene squealed, jumped off the sofa and ran from the room with Andromeda running after her yelling "YOU LITTLE VIRGINITY STEALER!"
Lily buried her face in her hands trying to hide her laughter.
Alice was laughing on Frank's shoulder who was barely managing to continue standing up right.
Benjy was practically wetting himself he was laughing so hard but he managed to say "This is why I think the Black's temper is funny!"
Ted looked embarrassed. He should have seen that coming.
Remus looked as though he was trying very hard to ignore what was going on around him.
Peter squeaked in fright and fell off his chair.
Emmeline, Mary and Kingsley were gaping in shock...What the hell just happened?
Dorcas was cheering. Fabian and Gideon owed her five Galleons! She told them Andromeda would have a fit when she found out!
Sirius just rolled his eyes. 'Typical Andy' he thought.
James looked satisfied with himself.
Nymphadora on the other hand giggled and clapped saying "Silly Mummy!" as her hair turned bright yellow with giddiness.
James sat on the sofa next to Sirius grinning.
Sirius sighed as Andromeda continued to try and hex Marlene.
"You told I'm not a virgin anymore didn't you?" he asked James calmly as though his cousin trying to hex his girlfriend was a regular occurrence...which it was.
James nodded happily.
"Yup!" he said still grinning like a maniac. "The reaction is so worth the awkward conversation!"
Sirius rolled his eyes. "She's never gonna get her head around the fact that I'm not a baby anymore is she?"
"Aw Siri you're always gonna be the baby! You're the youngest Marauder!" said James.
"Don't call me Siri! And I'm not a bloody baby I'm nineteen for Merlin's sake!" said Sirius folding his arms.
"Try telling Dromeda that she still seems to think your five years old!" said Ted as Andromeda hit Marlene with a Bat-Bogey Hex.
Well Andromeda certainly kept her word on beating up anyone that touched her baby cousin in any way.
Hate to see how she reacts to Dora's boyfriends and husband...
RUN REMUS!
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A/N: Yay! I'm finished! I don't know why but I can picture Andromeda being over protective of Sirius, 'cause I doubt any of his other cousins gave a crap! Hello Bellatrix killed him! So yeah, this is how I pictured an over protective Andromeda reacting to Sirius' first girlfriend and the fact that he isn't a virgin anymore. Poor Marlene! :)