AN Written for a request by Sammy. "An AU 58 tearjerker" Here ya are love!
A Time to Say Goodbye
Gojyo dosed in the chair beside Hakkai's hospital bed. The nurses had given up on kicking him out every night. He was pretty sure a few of them even respected him for it. Over the past few months, they'd been a fairly regular sight in there. The oncology staff knew that Gojyo had power of attorney and accepted him for the most part. No matter what he wasn't going away. Not when Hakkai needed him. He'd barely slept in a week, save the times he'd managed to pass out on a hospital cot or in the chair. Sanzo and Goku had offered to stay with him, but Gojyo wouldn't hear of it. Any moment could be the last.
He had just closed his eyes when he heard the familiar sound of Hakkai's gagging cough. It was pneumonia this time, and his weak immune system didn't have the strength to fight. He'd been like this for nearly a week. Now, all that was left for him to vomit up was stomach acid. Gojyo rubbed Hakkai's skeletal shoulders through the spasm. How quickly this had become their reality.
Once he was settled, Hakkai wiped his mouth with a tissue. "So sorry to wake you," he rasped.
"No, it's all right, man. You just calm down and try to rest," Gojyo said forcing away the knot in his throat. Even now, his lover thought of him first. Hakkai was the last man who deserved leukemia and the hell that came with it.
A weak smile lit his pale face for a moment and he looked almost peaceful. "Do you remember the time we all drove to California?" he asked.
"How could I forget it?" Gojyo said absently as his mind drifted back.
They'd all taken the trip after Hakkai had made it into remission for the first time. It was a celebration of sorts. Kai had always loved road trips, and this was their gift to him. Sanzo hadn't been to happy about piling into the jeep with them, but even he'd gone along with it for Hakkai's sake. However, Gojyo couldn't help but wonder if Sanzo's lover had something to do with it. Even when they were bitching—which was constant—they had been happy together. The camaraderie that summer gave them was worth it. He'd never seen Hakkai happier, but now…
He hadn't wanted to believe it when they'd gotten the news. The doctor had been sorry, but it didn't matter what the fuck he said. All that mattered was that Hakkai was hurting. Gojyo wanted more than anything to be able to save him. He pushed so hard for Hakkai to fight it. Through the chemo, the vomiting, the hair falling out, the fevers, and the nights of pain, Gojyo begged him to be strong. Maybe it was selfishness, but he couldn't lose him not now, not after he'd finally learned to love.
His life had been spent searching for something that he couldn't define. Gojyo couldn't remember exactly how he'd gotten so fucked up, but he knew that Hakkai was the only one who ever cared enough to help him. The memories of abuse and violation that haunted him only truly disappeared when Hakkai was there to comfort and love him. Gojyo had tried so many times to make the pain stop by sleeping with random woman. In his mind, it made sense that he could erase his stepmother's pain by finding pleasure in the arms of girls he barely knew. But then Hakkai showed him that real love was the only way. By loving someone else, you could heal the wounds in the soul. He'd learned that through experience and the kind, gentle voice that spoke to him.
"Gojyo, I want to go home," that voice said softly. Green eyes stared at him intently. They were the only thing that was unchanged about him. His dark hair was gone, his skin was grayish, and there were dark circles under his eyes. The face that once been so beautiful was sunken and drawn with pain. But the look in those eyes…Gojyo knew what Hakkai meant.
Tears threatened to fall from his eyes, and he brushed back wayward strands of red hair. When Hakkai first started to lose his hair, Gojyo had offered to shave his off as a gesture, but his lover had refused. He said that he loved Gojyo's long locks.
"The doc said he wants you to get over this before he releases you," he told him quietly. The unspoken words were louder. I'm not ready, Hakkai. Please, don't leave me yet.
Hakkai nodded wearily. "I'll do my best to be strong enough to go home. I want to see our apartment again." At least once more.
Gojyo stood and cleared his throat. "I'm going outside for a smoke."
"I think I'll take a nap," Hakkai agreed. His "naps" were becoming more and more frequent and longer.
Outside, Gojyo had to hold back the need to scream at the top of his lungs. The air was choking him it seemed. Somehow the atmosphere was collapsing on him like a ton of bricks.
"Hey Gojyo!"
He turned to see Goku and Sanzo walking toward the entrance. Not bothering to say hello, he raised a hand.
Goku frowned. "How is he today?"
"Same as yesterday, maybe a little better," he lied. "He's sleeping right now."
"I'm gonna go up and sit with him," Goku said as he walked off.
The blonde stayed and eyed Gojyo carefully. "Got a light?" he asked. Gojyo held up his lighter and Sanzo took a long drag. "Given the fact that your lover's got cancer, I thought you'd have quit by now."
"Maybe I thought we needed something more in common," Gojyo said bitterly.
"How is he really?"
"How the fuck do you think?"
That was all the more that need be said. The two had never been exceptionally close friends, wouldn't have been friends at all if not for Hakkai. Gojyo wasn't sure if Sanzo presence was making things better or worse, but he decided it was better than smoking alone.
"He's giving up," Gojyo said finally.
Sanzo nodded. "Maybe it's time you let him."
"Shut the fuck up, asshole! I am not going to let him die!" he raged.
Hard violet eyes met his gaze. "You don't have much of a choice. We both know that he wouldn't have fought so long without you. Let him go."
"NO! He's going to make it," Gojyo said firmly.
"Just think about it." With that, Sanzo left him there.
Sometime later, Gojyo went back up to his lover's side. Once again, Hakkai was sleeping peacefully. This was the only time he found any kind of release from the nightmare. Maybe Sanzo was right, but he was too selfish to let go. Hakkai was everything to him. How did you go on living with everything gone? How can you just let go of everything?
It was morning when Hakkai opened his eyes again, and Gojyo was in his usual place. "Good morning," Hakkai said groggily.
"Did you sleep ok?" Gojyo asked as he took his lover's hand.
"Fine. Yaone gave me some pain medication to help me drift off." Thank God for Nurse Yaone. She had been very compassionate to the couple since this whole mess began.
Gojyo couldn't think of anything to say, so he simply said, "I love you."
"I love you, too," the green eyed man said. He brought Gojyo's palm to his lips. "I think I always have…even before I knew you."
"How'd you manage that?" Gojyo tried desperately to keep his voice cool. "I didn't think even I was that smooth."
Hakkai rewarded him with a smile. "Do you believe in reincarnation?"
"I don't know what I believe anymore," he replied honestly. Hakkai's sickness had shaken his faith in anything that could be considered divine. If there was a God, he reasoned, this wouldn't be happening.
"I do," Hakkai told him. "I believe that my soul was meant to be with yours from the beginning of time. I believe that no matter what I'm going to be destined to be with you through out all of my lives…and I'm egotistical enough to think that you'll love me too."
"I will," Gojyo promised. "But I don't know how to lose you now."
"Just know that I'll find you again." Hakkai wiped the tears from Gojyo's cheeks tracing his thin fingers over the light scars. "You just have to finish out this life and I'll be waiting for you in the next."
"But how? How do I live without you?"
"You know that I love you, and I want you to be happy. There is someone out there to love you after I'm gone."
"No." He rejected the thought of there ever being anyone else in my life the way Hakkai had been.
"Gojyo, there is so much life left for you. Don't let it go to waste," Hakkai begged as Gojyo sobbed like a child into his frail chest. "Just remember that I love you."
"Hakkai, I love you so much that I don't know how to live with out you."
He shushed Gojyo gently. "I have faith in you that you'll figure it out. There is going to be a time when I have to say goodbye. Please, let me know that you'll be alright. Promise me that you won't give up."
"I…I..I ..promise," Gojyo said haltingly.
Over the next week, Hakkai was preoccupied with making sure Gojyo knew how much he loved him. He almost seemed to be doing marginally better, but then he crashed. By late afternoon on a Monday, he was fading fast. Gojyo was there to hold his hand through it all, until those green eyes closed one last time.
"Goodbye, my love," Gojyo said. "I'll see you in our next life."
He cried himself to sleep that night, but when he did fall asleep, he had a dream. In his dream, they were all heading west in a jeep. Hakkai wore a monocle and turned back to face him from the driver's seat with a stunning smile on his healthy face. "Don't you love road trips?"