Full credit goes to Raincloud/Rainpelt the ultimate parody queen!! Fire and Ice is next!!
INTO THE WILD
Tigerclaw: I'm evil!
Oakheart: Hi, Evil!
Evil (Tigerclaw): Wanna fight over sunningrocks?
Oakheart: Sure! (Play fights)
Silverstream: Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday to ME!
Evil: Hey, you're not supposed to show up until Fire and Ice!
Oakheart: (Dramatically) What's wrong with you, Erin Hunter?
Evil: This isn't being written by Erin Hunter.
Oakheart: Then . . . who's writing it? (All heads turn to Raincloud)
Raincloud: . . .
Silverstream: This is my private birthday party so get off, or else.
Evil: Or else what?
RiverClan Cats: (Point tranquilizers at ThunderClan cats)
Redtail: Retreat! Retreat!
Evil: We're not really in battle.
Redtail: I just like the word. Retreat! Retreat!
Evil: You heard him, Retreat! Retreat!
Redtail: You're getting the hang of it!
Evil/Redtail: Retreat! Retreat!
Evil: By the way, I'm planning to kill you so I can become deputy.
Redtail: SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!
Evil/Redtail: Retreat! Retreat!
BACK AT THE THUNDERCLAN CAMP
Spottedleaf: Look, Bluestar, a shooting star!
Bluestar: It's just an illusion. We see things and then we use our imagination to make it look like some kind of sign from starclan . . . (Lightning bolt hits her) . . . ow.
Spottedleaf: It means Fire alone will save our clan.
Bluestar: FIRE?! Fire is feared by all. Even twolegs. StarClan is wrong . . . (Lightning bolt hits her) . . . and nothing I just said was true.
Rustman: Here mousey, mousey!
Mouse: Squeak.
Rustman: I'm gonna eat you, mousey, mousey!
Mouse: Squeak.
Rustman: (Pounces at mouse)
Mouse: (Points tranquilizer at Rustman)
Rustman: WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! (Wakes up) . . . Oy . . . my mother did say I had the weirdest dreams . . . (goes outside)
Smudge: Geithpqghurgtrghrugmwcnmkhwogrufarghp?
Rustman: No, I don't want to chew Henry's food for him.
Smudge: Higheqpeirfarfwruhwcmowphvnoehgrugfcnvb?
Rustman: NO! WHY WOULD I GO INTO THE WILD?!
Smudge: Uh . . . Johriupewrh.
Rustman: (Kicks Smudge and sends him flying)
Smudge: (While soaring over twoleg nests) Koirghqpeeeeerd!!
Rustman: Whatever. (Climbs over fence) . . . Uh, Graypaw, that's your cue to, you know, attack me.
Graypaw: Why am I always late? (Exposes Nintendo DS)
Rustman: Just attack me.
Graypaw: (Takes out sword) Yaaaah!
Rustman: (Cuts Graypaw's sword in half)
Graypaw: Where'd you get the lightsaber?
Rustman: Well . . .
MOVIE CLIP OF STAR WARS: RUSTMAN STEALS LIGHTSABER FROM DARTH VADOR (I don't own Star Wars)
Bluestar: Was that Star Wars?
Rustman: Actually, Ye-
Bluestar: Warriors DON'T watch twoleg movies . . . (Lightning bolt hits her) . . . perhaps we shall have a Star Wars movie party!
ThunderClan: Hoorah!
Lionheart: We wouldn't want to leave you out, Rustman. Join our clan.
Graypaw: He's a kittypet. He can't join our clan . . . (Lightning bolt hits him) . . . hey, I thought only Bluestar gets hit by those.
Bluestar: That's because you . . . (Lightning bolt hits her) . . . Rustman, join our clan.
Rustman: Okay.
Bluestar: Great. Lionheart, you'll be picking him up.
Lionheart: WHY ME?!
Rustman: Here, mousey, mousey!
Mouse: Squeak.
Rustman: I'm gonna eat you, mousey, mousey!
Mouse: Squeak.
Rustman: (pounces at mouse)
Mouse: (points tranquilizer at Rustman)
Rustman: (claws his own face) WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAIT ONE SECOND THERE ARE CATS WATCHING ME! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! . . . (Wakes up) . . . Oy . . . (Goes outside).
Smudge: Hroweifhasdoghei432prug0qhfdp2djhfighepfhehghrpad?
Rustman: Yes, I'm going to live in the wild.
Smudge: Rrrrrrrruehpqtieuthqp4iuthey4utye433333333333333333333?!
Rustman: Bye!
Smudge: Uppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp!!
Rustman: (Climbs over fence) where are you?
Lionheart: I'm right here. (Comes out from behind a tree) Guess who else is here.
Rustman: (Sniffs) . . . AAAAAAAAAAH! SOMEONE I DON'T KNOW!
Lionheart: Yeah, it's Whitestorm.
Whitestorm: Yo, what's crackalackin homie?
Rustman: You're weird.
Whitestorm: Aw, you just trippin'.
Rustman: Sorry. Will you forgive me?
Whitestorm: DAWG!
Lionheart: That means yes. Let's go.
Rustman: (Trying to move but is stuck in quicksand) HELP MEEEE!
Lionheart: (Already deep into the forest with Whitestorm) what was that noise, Whitestorm?
Whitestorm: Uh . . . dunno.
Rustman: HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Lionheart: Hmm . . . must be some treecut monster.
Rustman: SOMEBODY, HELP MEEEEEEEE! (Head gets buried in quicksand)
Lionheart: (Back at the camp) Bluestar, we lost Rustman. He was such a wimp. He could barely keep up with us.
Rustman: (Comes into the camp spitting out sand) Yeah, thanks for the help, guys.
Lionheart: You're welcome!
Bluestar: LIONHEART! WHITESTORM! YOU TWO ARE SO IMATURE!
Lionheart/Whitestorm: Sorry, Bluestar.
Longtail: KITTYPET! KITTYPET!
Lionheart: Longtail, you don't say that yet!
Longtail: Oops.
Bluestar: (Goes onto the highrock) all cats old enough to catch their own prey join under the highrock for a clan meeting.
Lionheart: Why does Bluestar have to be so serious and stuff? I mean, this is supposed to be a humorous fan-fic.
Bluestar: We found this cat in the forest and he agreed to join our clan.
Lionheart: NOW you can say it, Longtail!
Longtail: KITTYPET! KITTY-
Whitestorm: We get it, homie!
Lionheart: (Whispers into Rustman's ear) fight him, for cryin' out loud!
Rustman: (Attacks Longtail)
Longtail: AIEE! (Scratches Rustman badly)
Rustman: HISS! (Cuts Longtail's ear)
Longtail: OW! (Pulls on Rustman's collar)
Lionheart: This is so boring. Let's make it a little more fun . . . (Throws dynamite at Longtail and Rustman)
Longtail/Rustman: (Froze as they stared at the dynamite right next to them) uh . . . oh . . .
KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
RUSTMAN AND LONGTAIL STAND THERE WITH SINGED FUR, RUSTMAN'S COLLAR FALLS ON HIS HEAD AND LANDS ON THE GROUND, AND THE TIP OF RUSTMAN'S TAIL IS ON FIRE
Bluestar: It's a sign from StarClan! The collar was ripped from Rustman's neck, so it means he's no longer a kittypet, and Rustman's apprentice name shall be Firepaw because the tip of his tail is in flames . . . (Rainstorm comes and washes the fire out). . . I mean . . . because of his flame colored pelt.
Firepaw: That's cool.
Graypaw: That was awesome, dude.
Firepaw: Really? You thought my fighting was cool?
Graypaw: NO! I mean, I just won my video game.
Firepaw: Awesome! What game is it? (Looks at Graypaw's Nintendo DS screens) hey, the twoleg kits at my twoleg nest played that game all the time!
Graypaw: (Throws DS into the bushes) I never played it and I never will.
Mysterious Noise: AIEE!
Graypaw: Uh . . . oh.
Ravenpaw: (Comes into the camp with a party hat on his head, cake frosting on his mouth, and silly string on his pelt) OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG REDTAIL IS DEAD!
Bluestar: Are you sure, Ravenpaw? You look like you've just been to a . . . you know . . . BIRTHDAY PARTY!
Ravenpaw: (Grins) yeah . . . about that-
Bluestar: Just . . . tell me about the party later . . . (Lightning bolt hits her) . . . do tell!
Ravenpaw: Well, since Silverstream couldn't have her birthday party a few sunrises ago, she had it today. We all joined the party and it was REALLY fun! Oakheart and Evil played Candy Land and Oakheart beat him!
Bluestar: Grr . . . OAKHEART IS A GREAT WARRIOR AND THERE'S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT HIM HAVING TO PLAY CANDY LAND!
The Rest of ThunderClan: . . .
Bluestar: . . . I've said too much.
Ravenpaw: Then Evil got angry because he lost and he started to fight and then rocks fell on Oakheart, then he died-
Bluestar: HE DIED?! (Faints)
Ravenpaw: O . . . K . . . I thought I was supposed to faint, not Bluestar. Anyway, then Evil pushed me under some rocks, then he told me to come back here, then I saw Evil kill Redtail- (Gets shot by a tranquilizer)
Evil: (Holding Redtail in his teeth) I DIDN'T KILL HIM . . . OAKHEART DID!
Bluestar: (After being conscious again) OAKHEART KILLED SOMEONE?! (Faints)
Spottedleaf: I thought I only had to treat Ravenpaw for passing out, but NOOO! Bluestar had to faint too! (Drags both of them into her den)
Graypaw: . . . so . . . what do we do now?
Evil: Make me deputy!
Whitestorm: Cool it, dawg, ol' Bluey sick and it's not moon-up yet!
Graypaw: Oh, Firepaw, did I ever mention to you that Whitestorm read a book about teenage slang?
Firepaw: GASP No!
Graypaw: YES! Also, Evil's name used to be Tigerclaw.
Firepaw: No!
Graypaw: YES, and one more thing . . . it was totally obvious that Evil was going to kill Redtail, but only Bluestar wouldn't believe him.
Firepaw: No . . . why was it so obvious?
Graypaw: Well . . .
MOVIE CLIP OF THE THUNDERCLAN CAMP YESTERDAY: EVIL RUNS IN CIRCLES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CLEARING SHOUTING "I'M GONNA KILL REDTAIL! I'M GONNA KILL REDTAIL!"
Firepaw: Oh.
Dustpaw: NOOOO! Redtail! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!
Graypaw: Dustpaw was Redtail's apprentice.
Firepaw: Oh.
Graypaw: You can't go to his funeral because you didn't know him long enough.
Firepaw: Aw.
Sandpaw: Do I HAVE to sleep with that kittypet stench our den?
Whitestorm: Yeah, homeslice, ya do!
Graypaw: Sandpaw is Whitestorm's apprentice.
Firepaw: Why would anyone give Whitestorm an apprentice?
Whitestorm: 'Cause if I were any cooler . . . I'd be frozen!
Firepaw: O . . . K . . .
Evil: (Prodding Ravenpaw with a long claw) GET UP!
Firepaw: WOWZERS! That's a long claw!
Graypaw: I wouldn't want to get in a fight with him.
Spottedleaf: . . .
Evil: (Punches Ravenpaw) WAKE UP!
Firepaw: Ow. I'm glad I'm not Ravenpaw.
Graypaw: Isn't Spottedleaf going to do something about this. She's right next to him!
Spottedleaf: . . .
Evil: (Whacks Ravenpaw with a yardstick) (Between whacks) GET – UP – RAVEN – PAW!
Firepaw: (Flinches) OUCH! That's gotta hurt!
Graypaw: Yeah. (Takes out a megaphone and shouts into it) SPOTTEDLEAF! WHAT EVIL IS DOING TO RAVENPAW IS WRONG!
Spottedleaf: Gimme that! (Takes yardstick and breaks it)
Firepaw: Finally, Spottedleaf is actually doing something to help Ravenpaw.
Spottedleaf: Yardsticks are so old school. Use this! (Gives Evil Firepaw's lightsaber)
Firepaw: HEY, that's MY lightsaber.
Spottedleaf: So? What are YOU gonna do about it . . . (looks at Firepaw) . . . You're cute!
Firepaw: (Flicks hair) Thanks.
Spottedleaf: Here. (Gives lightsaber to Firepaw)
Firepaw: Thank you very . . . much. Hey, why does it say "I LOVE U" on here?
Spottedleaf: SHHHH!
Firepaw: Sorry.
Lionheart: Hey! Bluestar's conscious again!
Bluestar: Yes, and I shall give Redtail his funeral now.
THE MOURNERS GATHER BY REDTAIL AND BLUESTAR
Bluestar: Oh, Redtail, you've been a great deputy . . .
Whitestorm: LET'S PARTY! (Mourners form a conga line)
Mourners: Duh-duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, DUH! Duh-duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, DUH! Duh-duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, DUH!
Bluestar: GUYS! Can we have a little self control, here?
Lionheart: Uh . . . I don't think so. We're insane!
Mourners: YEAH! Duh-duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, DUH! Duh-duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, DUH! Duh-duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, DUH!
Bluestar: Why must I lead a clan full of idiots?
Whitestorm: Don't know homie.
Bluestar: Anyway, I will announce the new deputy that will be . . . drum roll please!
Drum Roll Guy: TRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTR . . . (Symbols Crash)
Bluestar: Lionheart!
Lionheart: Yay!
Evil: Why not ME?!
Bluestar: You whacked Ravenpaw with a yardstick!
Evil: Drat. I knew I should've used the lightsaber.
Graypaw: Hey, Firepaw, want to have a mouse?
Firepaw: Sure. (Eats mouse and then bounces off the camp walls) THIS IS SOOOOOOOOOOOO COOL! What are the ingredients?
Graypaw: . . . mouse . . . ?
Firepaw: Oh.
Sandpaw: Don't sleep near me tonight.
Firepaw: Okay. I'm a member of ThunderClan now.
Graypaw: Dude, that was totally random.
Firepaw: I start training today. Yipee!
Graypaw: Yipee!
Firepaw: (Happy dances near Sandpaw)
Sandpaw: HEY! I told you to stay away from me.
Firepaw: Sorry.
Graypaw: Ravenpaw's not training with us today because the tranquilizer is still affecting him.
Firepaw: How . . . ?
ZOOMS INTO SPOTTEDLEAF'S DEN
Ravenpaw: Feiuefiehrpgwhfgfjvei8tpargqp383grehielhgrui390o0!
Spottedleaf: SHUT UP! I'M BUSY DAYDREAMING ABOUT FIREPAW!
ZOOMS BACK INTO THE APPRENTICES DEN
Firepaw: Oh, so THAT'S what happened to Smudge . . .
Graypaw: Who's Smudge?
Firepaw: Nobody.
Graypaw: (Looks at the sun) Oh, no! We're late!
FIREPAW AND GRAYPAW RUN TO EVIL AND LIONHEART
Evil: Don't be late next time.
Graypaw: Okay.
Lionheart: Chill, Evil. It was a busy night and I'm sure they were tired.
Evil: Tired, shmired! Warriors are ALWAYS on time no matter what.
Firepaw: Okey-dokey!
Evil: So . . . what do we do first?
Lionheart: You're one of their mentors. YOU were supposed to plan our training session today!
Evil: Okay, let's watch a video of me killing Redtail!
Graypaw: . . . err . . . that's not exactly training.
Firepaw: Yeah. That's just watching you look powerful.
Lionheart: How about we give them a tour around ThunderClan territory.
Firepaw/Graypaw: YEAH!
Evil: But be vewy qwiet . . . dair might be cat-eating wabbits owt dair.
Graypaw: AIEE!
Cat-Eating-Rabbit: RAAAAAARW!
Evil: Didn't I just tell you to be quiet?
Graypaw: I thought you were just kidding!
Cat-Eating-Rabbit: RAAAAAARW!
Firepaw: Hold me! (Jumps into Graypaw's arms)
Graypaw: (Drops Firepaw)
Firepaw: MREOW!
Cat-Eating-Rabbit: RAAAAAARW!
Graypaw: Hold me! (Attempts to jump into Firepaw's arms but just falls in front of him) MREOW!
Lionheart: Run!
Evil: No! We are warriors. We stand and fight.
Cat-Eating-Rabbit: RAAAAAARW! (Breaths fire on Evil)
Evil: LET'S GO LET'S GO LET'S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Runs back to camp with the others)
Bluestar: So, were you four able to do anything productive?
Firepaw: Well . . . we did find a giant Cat-Eating-Rabbit.
Bluestar: Stop making jokes. There are no such things as cat-eating-rabbits!
Cat-Eating-Rabbit: RAAAAAARW!
Bluestar: . . . I . . . stand . . . corrected.
THE NEXT MORNING
Ravenpaw: I'm normal again!
Lionheart: Okay everyone. We're going to learn hunting skills.
Ravenpaw/Firepaw/Graypaw: YEAH!
Evil: Show us your best hunting stalks.
Graypaw: Okay, guys, you know what to do. (Ravenpaw and Firepaw nod)
Ravenpaw/Firepaw: (Hum background music) OOOOOOOOH . . .
Graypaw: (Singing just like Gabriella in High School Musical (which I don't own)) it's funny when you find yourself lookin' from the outside . . .
Lionheart: (As Graypaw's still singing) that's not a hunting stalk.
Evil: I'm touched; I never knew Graypaw was such a good singer. (Cries)
Graypaw: (Singing) why did I let myself believe miracles could happen? 'Cause now I have to pretend that I don't really care . . .
Lionheart: Alright stop! (DJ scratching noise) Do you even know what a hunting stalk is?
Graypaw: (Still in his 'Gabriella' voice) uh, no sir . . . (back to normal voice) I mean . . . no sir.
Lionheart: Fine. Then I'll show you what a hunting stalk is. Try to copy exactly what I do. (Trips over a rock)
Ravenpaw/Firepaw/Graypaw: (Shrug their shoulders then trip over rocks)
Lionheart: (Slaps face) Oy vey.
Ravenpaw/Firepaw/Graypaw: (Slap their faces) Oy vey.
Lionheart: STOP COPPYING ME!
Ravenpaw/Firepaw/Graypaw: STOP COPPYING ME!
Evil: Stop copying Lionheart, guys.
Graypaw: Why didn't you just say so?
Lionheart: Just try to do this. (Does hunting stalk)
Ravenpaw/Firepaw/Graypaw: (Do perfect hunting stalks)
Lionheart: I'm impressed! Apprentices usually don't get it the first time.
Evil: Even I can't argue with that.
Lionheart: Try to catch some food.
Ravenpaw/Firepaw/Graypaw: Okey-dokey!
Firepaw: (Somewhere in the forest by himself) hmm . . . where should I look first?
Cat-Eating-Rabbit: RAAAAAAWR!
Firepaw: I'm gonna make sure you don't harm ANY cat in this forest! Gr-aaar! (Kills Cat-Eating-Rabbit) Yay, I'm now a true ThunderClan apprentice!
AT THE THUNDERCLAN CAMP
Ravenpaw/Evil: (Come into the camp)
Ravenpaw: I caught a mouse! (Drops mouse in fresh-kill pile)
Graypaw/Lionheart: (Come into the camp)
Graypaw: I caught a vole! (Drops vole in fresh-kill pile)
Firepaw: (Breaks open the camp wall trying to bring in a giant cat-eating-rabbit) I caught a giant cat-eating-rabbit! (Drags rabbit over to the fresh-kill pile)
ThunderClan: (Stare at Firepaw)
Random ThunderClanner: (Faints)
Firepaw: (Grins)
Bluestar: Now we shall have enough fresh kill for many moons!
ThunderClan: Yay!
Bluestar: . . . err . . . now we can continue our clan duties.
ThunderClan: Oh. (Walk away)
TWO MOONS LATER
Firepaw: Hey, a mouse! (Mouse runs away) Who's there?
Graypaw: (Attacks Firepaw)
Firepaw: Hey! You scared off my lunch!
Graypaw: Sorry. I'm just on my way to my first solo assignment. Bravely going up to a WindClan patrol and taking them my message.
Firepaw: I must hunt for the clan.
Graypaw: Okay. Bye.
Firepaw: Bye. (Once Graypaw is out of sight, heads toward the thunderpath) Hmm . . . I wonder what it feels like. (Puts a paw on the path then a monster runs over it) Ow! Can't you see my paw was on there . . .
ACROSS THE THUNDERPATH, FIREPAW DISCOVERS A SHE-CAT PLAYING A VIOLIN. EVEN THE AUTHOR HAS MANY QUESTIONS ABOUT THIS. THE FIRST QUESTION WOULD BE HOW THE CAT COULD HOLD THE VIOLIN. MAYBE THERE'S JUST A NEW GENERATION OF CATS WITH POSEIBLE THUMBS.
Firepaw: It's a ShadowClan cat! Cool.
Firepaw: (After a monster passes, the she-cat mysteriously disappears) Maybe I should just leave.
Yellowfang: AIEE! (Attacks Firepaw)
Firepaw: Ah!
Yellowfang: You've discovered my deep dark secret!
Firepaw: What deep dark secret?!
Yellowfang: That I can play the violin.
Firepaw: I thought ALL ShadowClan cats could play the violin.
Yellowfang: That's a myth, dumb apprentice.
Firepaw: Grr . . . (Cuts Yellowfang's fangs off)
Yellowfang: How did you do that? My mouth wasn't even open!
Firepaw: You can call me a kittypet, you can call me small, but call me dumb and FEEL MY WRATH!
Yellowfang: . . . wow. I'm hungry.
Firepaw: (Holding a rabbit in his jaws) Here's a rabbit we can share!
Yellowfang: How did you get the rabbit so fast?
Firepaw: I stopped time.
Yellowfang: . . . HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA . . . HAHA . . . Ah . . . no, seriously.
Firepaw: Really, it was just sitting next to me. Then I killed it.
Yellowfang: Ah.
Evil: FIREPAW!
Firepaw: Oops. I just realized that I just broke the warrior code, which is really bad, especially if you are a cat living with one of the clans.
Bluestar: What's going on here?
Yellowfang: I can't play the violin!
Firepaw: YES SHE CAN-
Yellowfang: Yeah, thanks man.
Bluestar: YOU CAN?!
Evil: (Takes out a cell phone and dials numbers) Hello? Is this World News? Yes, we have a violin-playing cat right here!
Yellowfang/Firepaw/Bluestar: (Stare in horror)
World News Operator: (Listens to cat noises) Uh . . . hello?
Evil: Wait, IT'S A TWOLEG! AAAAAAAAAH! (Smashes his cell phone with a hammer)
Yellowfang: Phew!
Evil: We MUST announce this at the gathering!
Yellowfang: (Faints)
Bluestar: Wait one second . . . your fangs, they got cut off!
Firepaw: I cut them off!
Bluestar: I'm angry with you that you broke the warrior code, but you attacked well.
Firepaw: So I'm off the hook-
Bluestar: NOOOO way!
Firepaw: Aw . . .
Bluestar: From now on, your name shall be Nofang.
Nofang (Yellowfang): Sweet. The name Yellowfang did seem kind of gross, like they were implying that my teeth weren't clean.
Firepaw: They aren't clean.
Nofang: SHUT UP, LOWLY APPRENTICE!
Firepaw: Am shutting up! (Does zip-lips-and-throw-away-key sign) . . . !! . . . (Runs after the place he threw his imaginary key)
Bluestar: I lead a clan of idiots.
Nofang: Our clan had idiots!
Bluestar: What a coincidence. We both have clans with idiots.
Nofang/Bluestar: (Do a secret handshake)
Evil: You're saying that I'M and idiot?!
Bluestar: Well, you want to train apprentices by having them watch videos of you, you try calling twolegs, you whack Ravenpaw with a yardstick, and you run around the camp saying "I'm gonna kill Redtail!"
Evil: Would that be what an idiot would do?
Nofang/Bluestar: (Nod their heads slowly)
Firepaw: (Returns and sits by the other three cats)
Bluestar: . . .
Evil: . . .
Firepaw: . . .
Nofang: . . .
Bluestar: Let's all go back to camp.
BACK AT THE CAMP LATER
Bluestar: . . . And that's the whole story.
Mousefur: Are you sure you didn't hit your head on a low hanging branch, Bluestar? 'Cause it's kind of impossible for a cat to play the violin.
Nofang: (Plays the violin)
Mousefur: (Faints)
Spottedleaf: Oh, great. More cats to look after.
Bluestar: So Firepaw's punishment will be to look after Nofang.
Firepaw: EW!
Nofang: Aw, you don't have to take care of me. I have good personal hygiene.
MOVIE CLIP OF SHADOWCLAN CAMP YESTERDAY: NOFANG'S FUR IS NOT GROOMED, SHE TALKED TO SOMEONE AND THEY RAN OFF SQUEALING "MY NOSE! AAAAAAH" AND SHE SCRATCHED HER ARMPITS AND THEN TOOK A NAP
Graypaw: Yeah, that's good personal hygiene alright.
Longtail: Outsiders ALWAYS bring trouble.
Lionheart: Someone give this guy a script.
Longtail: I'm early again? Shoot.
Bluestar: Also, I will mentor Firepaw.
ThunderClan: Lucky!
Spottedleaf: No fair. Why can't he become a medicine cat apprentice? I LOVE him-
Bluestar: WHAT did you just say?
Spottedleaf: Nothing.
Longtail: Can I say it yet?
Lionheart: YES, NOW you can say it.
Longtail: (Narrows eyes at Firepaw) Outsiders ALWAYS bring trouble.
Graypaw: You should help Nofang.
Firepaw: Okey-dokey!
Nofang: I feel so humiliated being cared for by a KITTYPET!
Firepaw: Grr . . .
Nofang: You said earlier that I could call you kittypet.
Firepaw: Well, I changed my mind! (Unsheathes claws)
Nofang: You'll be in even more trouble if you attack me.
Firepaw: True.
Nofang: GET ME SOME POPPY SEEDS!
Firepaw: OKAY! OKAY! (Walks to Spottedleaf)
Spottedleaf: Look, cat, I don't want to be bothered right now . . . oh, hello, Firepaw!
Firepaw: I need poppy seeds for Nofang.
Spottedleaf: Whatever you say.
Firepaw: Isn't it against the warrior code for you to fall in love-
Spottedleaf: DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!
Firepaw: Sorry. (Runs off with poppy seeds)
Nofang: Now . . . GET ME SOME FOOD!
THREE DAYS LATER
Dustpaw: You can't train today because you're taking care of Nofang! HAHA!
Sandpaw: Yeah. Maybe you should be Spottedleaf's apprentice.
Spottedleaf: GASP Yay!
Firepaw: I'll be back to warrior training soon, though.
Spottedleaf: Mouse dung.
Firepaw: Uh, Spottedleaf, I'll need some stuff to take care of Nofang . . .
NEXT FEW THINGS HAPPENING WHILE FIREPAW IS CARING FOR NOFANG
Whitestorm: (Randomly walks over to Willowpelt) Hello, dadio! You are one cool cat!
Willowpelt: Dadio? But I'm a SHE-cat!
Whitestorm: Anyway, what's crackalakin', homie?
Willowpelt: (Backs away slowly) you're scaring me . . .
LATER
Birdman: (Runs through the clearing)
Halftail: . . . O . . . K . . . ?
Firepaw: I'm done!
Graypaw: Hey, Firepaw, Ravenpaw impressed Evil today!
Firepaw: How?
Ravenpaw: Oh, Graypaw. All I did was sprout wings, fly to the moon, get some ice cream from Florida for everyone in the twoleg world, fly back here, then battle with the leader of RiverClan.
Firepaw: How could THAT impress Evil?
Evil: Because I like pencils.
Firepaw: That makes sense.
Graypaw/Ravenpaw: (Confused looks on their faces)
Firepaw: Oh, mouse dung! I just realized that I haven't given Nofang her daily dose of beer yet.
Graypaw: I'll do it for you.
Firepaw: I'M supposed to do it!
Graypaw: Do you want to not do this or not?
Firepaw: Okay, you do it.
Graypaw: Yay!
Evil: HALT! Who goes there?!
Graypaw: Firepaw!
Evil: Enter.
Graypaw: Okay.
Evil: But first, you must drink that beer you are holding.
Graypaw: But it's illegal to drink alcohol unless you're a warrior.
Evil: And why exactly did they call me Evil?
Graypaw: Okay . . . (drinks beer) . . . I like chocolate! Doopey, doopey, doo!
Nofang: WHERE'S MY BUD LIGHT?! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!
Firepaw: (Runs up to Graypaw) Graypaw! Are you okay?
Graypaw: Gimme some of your poetry and I will send you to Kenya.
Firepaw: Wha . . . ?
Nofang: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!
Firepaw: I had the worst night EVER! I dreamed that I had to take care of a cat named Nofang, and there were all these moaning sounds all night, and there was Birdman, and . . . and . . .
Nofang: (In Firepaw's face) Surprise.
Firepaw: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Nofang: Now give me some new bedding.
Firepaw: Okey-dokey!
Bluestar: Leave THAT to the queens. You need some warrior training.
Firepaw: Really! YEEES! I'M FREE FROM MEDICINE CAT TORTURE!
Spottedleaf: NOOO! I liked having Firepaw come to my den all the time!
AT THEIR FAVORITE TREESTUMP
Graypaw: We're being tested today.
Firepaw: Sweet.
Evil: Alright. I want Graypaw and Ravenpaw to hunt wherever they want and Firepaw to hunt around twolegplace.
Firepaw: . . . because you want to catch me trying to go back to kittypet life?
Evil: Exactly. Now GO!
Ravenpaw/Graypaw/Firepaw: (Run away)
SOMETIME AFTER FIREPAW CAUGHT 11 MICE
Firepaw: Who shall be my next victim? Hehe . . .
Mysterious Cat: (Runs into a tree)
Firepaw: Get out, intruder! Gr-aaar! (Attacks mysterious cat) . . . Smudge?!
Smudge: . . . Rusty?!
Firepaw: It's FIREPAW now. Also . . . you can talk normally again?!
Smudge: I just got shot by my twolegs.
Firepaw: With a tranquilizer?
Smudge: Yeah, that's it . . . HOW CAN YOU STILL BE ALIVE?!
Evil: (Hiding behind a tree while the two are talking) Oh, yes! OH, YES! Firepaw's talking to a kittypet. Now I can tell Bluestar and then she'll banish him from the clan! Then after that, (rubs paws together evilly) I shall be ruler of the penguins! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
AT CAMP LATER
Firepaw: (Comes into camp with a chaffinch)
Evil: That's PATHETIC!
Firepaw: (Snaps fingers)
A GIANT DUMP TRUCK BREAKS OPEN CAMP WALL THAT CATS JUST FINISHED REPAIRING AND DUMPS TONS OF PREY ONTO EVIL
Bluestar: Firepaw, you are our hero! We never go hungry because of you.
ThunderClan: Hoorah!
Evil: . . . ow.
Graypaw: (Comes into camp and stares at massive pile of prey) FLYING HEDGEHOGS! WHAT HAPPENED?!
Ravenpaw: (Comes into camp with an adder)
Firepaw: HELLOOOOO? Don't you see all the prey I got?
Ravenpaw: Prey, shmrey. I got an adder.
Bluestar: You were brave enough to kill an adder?
ThunderClan: Hoorah!
Evil: The pain. The agony. Someone help me.
ThunderClan: Nah.
Evil: Okay. I'll just stay here then.
THE DAY WHEN ALL OF FIREPAW'S CAUGHT PREY IS EATEN
Evil: I'm FREE!
Ravenpaw: What should we do with this adder?
Graypaw: Let's play hot adder!
Ravenpaw/Firepaw: YEAH!
Graypaw: Firepaw, catch! (Throws adder to Firepaw)
Firepaw: (Misses and adder lands on Sandpaw's face) Oops.
Sandpaw: . . . AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (Runs to Hawaii)
Dustpaw: Sandpaw, come back! (Runs after Sandpaw)
Rainpelt: That's how Sandpaw and Dustpaw could not go to the gathering-
Ravenpaw: Wait a second, how can someone RUN to Hawaii? They'd have to run across the Atlantic Ocean, and then cross half of the Pacific Ocean.
Rainpelt: And I could ask how you know so much about oceans.
Ravenpaw: True.
Rainpelt: Who IS writing this story anyway?
Ravenpaw/Graypaw/Firepaw: (Stare at Rainpelt)
Rainpelt: Oh! Right! Uh, hem . . . let's carry on with the story, shall we?
Evil: Firepaw! Bluestar wants you!
Firepaw: Okay.
Bluestar: Evil told me you went into your old twoleg nest, got food from them, told them you wished you could come back home, then have a party with your old kittypet friends. Is this true?
Firepaw: No.
Bluestar: Good. You're destined to save the clan.
Firepaw: Sweet.
Bluestar: Also, you and your two friends may go to the gathering.
Firepaw: Because Sandpaw and Dustpaw are in Hawaii?
Bluestar: They're in HAWAII?! How could they pay for airline tickets?!
Firepaw: I don't know . . .
Bluestar: (Runs to Gatwick International Airport)
Firepaw: Gee. I sure hope she's back by the time the gathering starts . . .
Bluestar: (Runs back to camp panting) Sorry I'm late, but . . .
ThunderClan: (Glaring at her)
Bluestar: . . . I wanted to know if Sandpaw and Dustpaw got on the 1:30 or 5:55 flight to Hawaii.
ThunderClan: (Still glaring at her)
Bluestar: Alright, ThunderClan, let's go already.
Mousefur: The gathering started three hours ago.
Bluestar: Well, maybe if we run fast we can make it.
ThunderClan: (Magically appear at Fourtrees three hours ago)
Bluestar: That was technically impossible.
Longtail: Hey, many things happened that were impossible. Ever since the battle with RiverClan over Sunningrocks, all the cats have clearly gone insane except for Bluestar.
Bluestar: I'll tell that to everyone.
Ravenpaw: I think it's all Raincloud's fault.
Bluestar: Who's Raincloud?
Raincloud: Hello, cats!
ThunderClan/RiverClan/ShadowClan: Hello, Raincloud!
Bluestar: This is getting ridiculous. We must start the gathering.
Raincloud: Bye, cats!
ThunderClan/RiverClan/ShadowClan: Bye, Raincloud!
Brokenstar: Let's begin with ME.
Crookedstar/Bluestar: Okey-dokey!
Brokenstar: What's up with all this 'Okey-dokey' stuff? It's such an annoying word!
Crookedstar/Bluestar: Sorry.
Brokenstar: Anyway, let us hunt in your territories or FEEL OUR WRATH!
ShadowClan: (Bare fangs and unsheathe claws)
Crookedstar: Is that what happened to WindClan?
Brokenstar: Yes.
Crookedstar: Sweet.
Bluestar: First of all, it's not 'sweet' that WindClan disappeared. Second of all, WindClan disappeared?!
Brokenstar: Yes. We drove them out because they wouldn't let us hunt on their territory.
Bluestar: But that's clearly against the warrior code!
Brokenstar: (kneeling at Bluestar's paws) PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE PLEEEEEEEEEEEEASE let us hunt on your territory!
Bluestar: No.
Brokenstar: Fine. Then I have more news for you. We drove out the cat that murdered the cat I murdered.
Firepaw: That doesn't make any sense.
Brokenstar: SHUT UP, LOWLY APPRENTICE!
Firepaw: Fine. I'm just making a point.
Brokenstar: Anyway, she has bad personal hygiene . . .
Firepaw: (Whispering) that's Nofang . . .
Brokenstar: Needs beer every night . . .
Firepaw: (Whispering) that's Nofang . . .
Brokenstar: Has yellow fangs . . .
Firepaw (Whispering) that's ALMOST Nofang . . .
Brokenstar: And . . . plays the violin.
Firepaw: THAT'S NOFANG!
Brokenstar: yeah, and she kills kits . . . did you just say NOfang?
Bluestar: RUN, THUNDERCLAN! SHE MIGHT START KILLING FROSTFUR'S KITS RIGHT NOW!!
ThunderClan: (Run away)
Crookedstar/Brokenstar: (Watch ThunderClan leave in silence)
Crookedstar: Should we just end the gathering now?
Brokenstar: Sure.
RiverClan/ShadowClan: (Leave)
Firepaw: RUN, NOFANG! RUN FOR YOUR DEAR LITTLE KITTY CAT LIFE! THUNDERCLAN'S OUT TO GET YOU!
Nofang: . . . What?
Firepaw: Aren't you listening to ANY word I'm saying? ThunderClan thinks you're killing all of the kits we have and they're going to kill you or drive you out of the forest or something.
Nofang: . . . Huh?
Firepaw: Oh, gosh! Brokenstar told us you were a kit killer. ThunderClan are going to kill you!
Nofang: . . . Uh . . . say that again.
Firepaw: JUST RUN!
Nofang: OKAY! OKAY! (Runs into a tree)
Evil: There's the kit killer! Get her!
Firepaw: (To self) I tried to warn her.
Bluestar: I didn't say to hurt anyone!
Evil: (Flips on tape recorder of Bluestar talking) I will (Evil's voice) kill (Bluestar's voice) Nofang in any way.
Bluestar: (Flips on tape recorder of herself talking) I will not hurt Nofang in any way.
Evil: Oh, mouse dung.
Nofang: Oh, thank you Bluestar.
Frostfur: My kits! They're alive! Hallelujah!
Bluestar: See? She's done no harm to us.
Nofang: Did Brokenstar ever mention me playing the violin?
Evil: Yes.
Nofang: (Faints)
Spottedleaf: Oh, COME ON! I've recorded an 82.43 increase of cats passing out ever since Redtail died. (Drags Nofang into her den)
Lionheart: GUESS WHAT GUESS WHAT GUESS WHAAAAAT?!
Firepaw/Graypaw/Ravenpaw: What?
Lionheart: We all get to go to the moonstone with Bluestar!
Firepaw/Graypaw/Ravenpaw: Hoorah!
Lionheart: Of course, you're going to need traveling herbs.
Graypaw: How are we EVER going to get traveling herbs when Spottedleaf's having a temper tantrum?
Spottedleaf: NOFANG! WAKE UP, MOUSE-BRAIN!
Ravenpaw: I'll go in and try. (Walks into Spottedleaf's den)
Spottedleaf: GET OUT! (Slapping noise)
Ravenpaw: (Flies out of den) AAAAAAAAAAAAH! CRASH . . . ow.
Firepaw: Wait a second. Spottedleaf likes me better than the rest of you. (Walks into Spottedleaf's den)
Spottedleaf: GET OUT . . . oh, hello, Firepaw! (Gives Firepaw herbs)
Graypaw: . . . wow.
Ravenpaw: You have a gift.
Firepaw: (Ray of sun glows on Firepaw even though it's night and it's very dark outside) you really think I do?
ThunderClan: (Stare in awe)
Graypaw: Yes. You do.
DAWN
Trumpet Guy: (Plays trumpet) duh, duh, duh. Duh, duh, duh. Duh, duh, duh. Duh, duh, duh. Duh, duh, duh. Duh, duh, duh. Duh, duh, DUUH, duh.
Firepaw: (While trumpet is still playing) why must we wake up so early?
Graypaw: The moonstone is a long journey. We should start early so we can get there by bed time.
Firepaw: Wow.
Trumpet Guy: Duh, duh, DUUH, DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH! Thank you! Thank you! I'm here till Thursday . . . or until I get paid.
Lionheart: Alright, Trumpet Guy. Will you accept checks?
Trumpet Guy: Nope, sorry, dude.
ONE HOUR LATER
Lionheart: Do you accept . . . crowfood tails?
Trumpet Guy: NO!! I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU FOR HALF AN HOUR THAT I ONLY GET PAID IN CASH!
Lionheart: I don't have cash.
Trumpet Guy: Then jump off a cliff.
Lionheart: OKAY! (Jumps off cliff and dies)
Evil: Aw. I wanted to kill him myself!
Graypaw: LIONHEART! MY MENTOR! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Bluestar: Alright, everyone, let's get going. Lionheart, you take care of the camp while we're gone.
Lionheart: (From up in StarClan): . . .
Firepaw: But . . . he's dead.
Bluestar: Don't be joking around. We're late.
Evil: I'll come with you instead!
Bluestar: Okey-dokey!
Brokenstar: Grr . . .
Bluestar: . . . Sorry.
Random Twoleg: Hey, you could be at the moonstone in only a few minutes if you ride in our monster.
Firepaw/Graypaw/Ravenpaw/Evil: Okay!
Bluestar: I'm NOT going to ride with twolegs. Fine, then. I'll be waiting for you at the moonstone . . . or you'll be waiting for me in StarClan! (Runs off)
Twoleg: Come on, cats! We're going to have a "Bop to the Top" sing along!
Firepaw/Graypaw/Ravenpaw/Evil: HOORAH! (Buckle seatbelts)
Twoleg: (Turns on radio and engine and starts driving)
Firepaw: Mucho gusto.
Graypaw: Aye que fabulosa.
Ravenpaw: RRRRRR, aye, aye, AYE!
Evil: ARRRRIBA!
Twoleg: Quieres bailar?
Firepaw/Graypaw/Ravenpaw/Evil: Mirame.
Firepaw: I believe in dreaming and shooting for the stars.
Graypaw: Baby, to be #1 you've got to raise the bar.
Ravenpaw: Kicking and a scratching, grinding out my best.
Evil: Anything it takes to climb the ladder of success.
Firepaw/Graypaw/Ravenpaw/Evil/Twoleg: Work our tails off everyday-
Twoleg: (Stops radio and engine and stops driving) well, here we are!
Evil: That wasn't much of a sing along.
Graypaw: At least we got here pretty quick . . .
Ravenpaw: . . . and we proved Bluestar wrong.
Firepaw: Where IS Bluestar anyway?
11 HOURS LATER (ABOUT 6:00 PM)
Bluestar: . . . ?
Firepaw: (Wakes up because the cats were sleeping while waiting for Bluestar) YAWN Bluestar. You're finally here.
Bluestar: How did you get here before me . . . oh . . . yeah . . . right.
Firepaw: . . . SOOOOOOOOOO . . . are we going into the highstones?
Bluestar: Yes, and I want you and Evil to come with me. Ravenpaw and Graypaw will guard the cave.
Evil: Will I become deputy?
Bluestar: No.
Evil: Drat.
Firepaw: MOONSTONE!
Bluestar: It is time.
Firepaw: (Walks slowly towards mothermouth with "This Land" background music)
Bluestar: WHAT are you doing? (DJ Scratching noise)
Firepaw: Oh. It just adds dramatic effect, you know.
Bluestar: Ah.
A different Twoleg: SALT! Who goes there?
Evil: Isn't it supposed to be HALT?
Twoleg: SALT is cooler. Now, who goes there?
Bluestar: Me, Evil, and Firepaw. I'm the leader of ThunderClan.
Twoleg: You're name, please.
Bluestar: . . . Bluestar . . . ?
Twoleg: I'll need your identification code.
Bluestar: I don't have one.
Twoleg: Then we're gonna have to do the identification process.
Bluestar: Just one second, please. Who put this twoleg guard here?
Twoleg: I did!
Bluestar: SIGH Okay, what do I have to do?
Twoleg: Sit right here, please. (Chair pops out of the ground)
Bluestar: (Sits in the chair)
Twoleg: Now you must . . . STARE INTO THIS BEAM OF LIGHT!
Bluestar: (Beam of light pops up in front of her) AAAAAAH! MY EYES! THEY HURT!
Twoleg: (Turns light off) Hmm . . . you are Bluestar, leader of ThunderClan, female, blue-gray fur, piercing blue eyes, 3 lives left, and has the insanity gene.
Bluestar: What's the insanity gene?
Twoleg: You'll find out sooner or later. You and your warriors may enter.
Firepaw: Did you hear that? He called me a warrior! (Cries)
AT THE MOONSTONE
Bluestar/Firepaw: (Put on sunglasses) Ooh. Purdyful.
Evil: AAAAAAAAAAAH! MY EYES! (Runs out of the cave)
Firepaw: CHICKEN! Bok, bok, bu-BOK!
Bluestar: HEY! No clucking allowed near the moonstone.
Firepaw: Okay. (Runs out of the cave) Bok, bok, bu-BOK!
Bluestar: Oy.
THE NEXT MORNING
Bluestar: (Runs out of the cave) OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG! THE THUNDERCLAN CAMP IS UNDER FIRE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Firepaw: I'm not deaf like Nofang, but I had no idea what you just said.
Evil: I can translate. Uh hem: Great flying hedgehogs. The ThunderClan camp is under attack and we must return to the camp immediately so we don't get driven out like WindClan.
Twoleg: Hop into my monster!
Graypaw: Uh . . . it says in the script that we must encounter rats on the way and meet Barley, for if we don't, the story might get screwed up somehow.
Ravenpaw: You know the part when I need to escape ThunderClan? We wouldn't know where to send me. I suggest we do this on our own.
Twoleg: Fine. (Drives away)
Evil: Let's go already!
Firepaw: (In a trance) Moonstone, moonstone, moonstone, moonstone. Moonstone, moonstone, moonstone, moonstone.
Graypaw: You're lucky you got to see the moonstone and we didn't . . . Firepaw?
Firepaw: (Still in a trance) Moonstone, moonstone, moonstone, moonstone. Moonstone, moonstone, moonstone, moonstone.
Graypaw: O . . . K.
Evil: AAAAAH! I SMELL INTRUDERS!
Barley: Evil. You just gotta CHIIIIIIIIIIIL.
Bluestar: Yeah. It's just Barley. He's nice.
Barley: (Grins and shows sparkling teeth)
Ravenpaw: And he doesn't live with twolegs.
Evil: I still don't trust him.
Barley: How RUDE! I'm not helping you escape the dogs, then.
Bluestar: Dogs? What dogs-
Dogs: CATS! LET'S EAT THEM.
Firepaw: Barley, help us . . .
Barley: (Runs back to the farm)
Bluestar: RUN!
Dog: (Eats Bluestar)
Evil: SWEET!
Ravenpaw: We have to help her!
Evil: We can help by . . . uh . . . just sitting here.
Graypaw: Okay.
Dog: (Spits out Bluestar) She has the insanity gene! RUN AWAAAAAAAAY!
Bluestar: Aw, mouse dung. I have four lives left.
Evil: You mean two, right?
Bluestar: Nope. Four lives.
Evil: Aw.
Graypaw: We were supposed to encounter rats, not dogs!
Firepaw: Thanks a lot, Evil.
Evil: Don't mention it.
Ravenpaw: Guys, it wasn't Evil's fault. (Looks at Raincloud) WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO US, RAINCLOUD?!
Raincloud: You know what I did.
Ravenpaw: True.
Graypaw: We have to get back to the camp, quickly!
Bluestar: Why?
Evil: You got the message from StarClan.
Bluestar: . . . huh . . . OH, YEAH! WE HAVE TO HURRY!
Firepaw: Right.
AT THE CAMP
Bluestar: Flying hedgehogs! What's going on here?!
Longtail: (Between blows) SHADOW – CLAN – IS – ATTACKING – US – BECAUSE – HE – WANTS – TO – HUNT – ON – OUR – TERRI – TORY!
Brokenstar: (Pounces on Bluestar)
Bluestar: Oh, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Blackfoot: (Guards ThunderClan kits) don't worry, kits, I won't let any of these mean warriors hurt you-
Random ShadowClan Cat: BLACKFOOT!
Blackfoot: Oh, right. Uh, hem. Die, kits. Die. Roar. (Swipes paw at a kit)
Frostfur: DIE, BLACKFOOT! (Attacks him fiercely)
Blackfoot: I hate being a feral cat. Why can't I just be a KITTYPET?!
All cats in the camp: (Freeze and stare at Blackfoot in horror)
Brokenstar: RETREAT, SHADOWCLAN! RETREAT! And YOU, Blackfoot, are in SERIOUS trouble.
Blackfoot: Okay! (Trots happily out of ThunderClan)
ShadowClan: (Leaves)
Gallon of milk: (Floats around the clearing and then leaves)
Firepaw: That was just . . . weird.
Graypaw: I know.
Ravenpaw: Guys, Raincloud is doing this.
Graypaw: And who cares?
Ravenpaw: . . . you have a point, there.
Bluestar: Now, since Lionheart is gone, Evil will be the new deputy.
Evil: . . . REALLY?! (Jumps up and down really fast) OH, THANK YOU, BLUESTAR! THANK YOU THANK YOU THAAAAAANK YOOOOUUUU!
ThunderClan: (Watch him jump around the camp in silence)
Evil: WHOO, HOO, HOOOOOO! I HAD TOO MUCH SUGAR! I HAD TOO MUCH SUGAR! YAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Ravenpaw: I'm scared . . .
Evil: Ah. Sugar rush is over . . . HEY!
Ravenpaw: What?
Evil: Will you tell Firepaw how I protected Redtail?
Ravenpaw: NEVER! (Puts lamp shade over Evil's head)
Evil: . . . hey . . . HEY! W-who turned the lights out? (Flips switch inside lamp shade) oh. There we go!
Ravenpaw: (Dives into the apprentices den)
Graypaw: OW!
THE NEXT MORNING
Dustpaw: (Plays the trumpet badly)
Firepaw: I just know you want to deafen me.
Dustpaw: Of course I do, and your little friends too.
Ravenpaw/Graypaw: Grr . . .
Firepaw: So, you came back from Hawaii.
Sandpaw: Yup. I got a tan.
Firepaw: Sweet.
Dustpaw: Bluestar is having a clan meeting.
Graypaw: Okay. (To Brokenstar) I didn't say okey-dokey . . . oops.
Brokenstar: I know these things. I'm watching you! Grr . . .
Bluestar: I have four lives left and Evil thinks I need body guards! Humph.
Evil: But I want to protect you.
Bluestar: The warrior code says we must protect the clan, not one single cat.
Evil: True.
Bluestar: Anyway, Nofang may join our clan.
Nofang: Why?
Bluestar: Didn't you notice?
ThunderClan: (Look up in memory)
PROJECTION SCREEN COMES DOWN AND SHOWS MOVIE CLIP OF THUNDERCLAN CAMP DURING SHADOWCLAN ATTACK: NOFANG OPENED HER MOUTH IN FRONT OF SHADOWCLAN WARRIORS AND THEY RAN OUT OF CAMP WITH THEIR PAWS OVER THEIR NOSES (WHICH IS REALLY HARD TO DO IF YOU'RE A CAT)
Nofang: Have you always had that projection screen?
Bluestar: No.
Nofang: Hmm . . . strange . . .
Bluestar: Will you join our clan?
Nofang: Sure.
Firepaw: Cool.
Raincloud: POOF
Ravenpaw: Hey, everyone, it's Raincloud!
Raincloud: I can predict the future. OOOOOOOOOH!
Firepaw: I bet you can't.
Raincloud: (Looks into crystal ball) I see . . . Firepaw . . . no, wait . . . Fireheart!
Firepaw: I'm gonna become a warrior?
Raincloud: Yes, Graypaw too.
Ravenpaw: What about me?
Raincloud: Nope. Sorry. But-
Ravenpaw: WAAAAAAAAAH!
Raincloud: SHUT UP AND LISTEN!
Ravenpaw: . . . okay.
Raincloud: We will have a special connection between us.
Ravenpaw: Awesome.
Raincloud: Anyway, Fireheart and Graystripe will bring WindClan back home.
Firepaw: Coolio!
Graypaw: I like my warrior name.
Rainpelt: I have some advice for you three.
Firepaw/Graypaw/Ravenpaw: (Lean forward)
Raincloud: Send Ravenpaw to Barley's farm on the day Evil wants to kill him.
Ravenpaw: So I'll be safe?
Raincloud: Yes. As far into the future as I can see, none of you are dead.
Firepaw/Graypaw/Ravenpaw: Hoorah!
Evil: Tell me my fortune!
Raincloud: (Shakes her head) Oh, dear . . .
Evil: What?
Raincloud: I see you . . . taking a bubble bath! With a rubber ducky!
Evil: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Bluestar: Am I going to die?
Raincloud: Yes, in the fifth book.
Bluestar: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Raincloud: But, you die with honor!
Bluestar: Cool.
Spottedleaf: What about me? Will I die?
Raincloud: In the next few chapters, yes.
Spottedleaf: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Firepaw: I'll miss you, Spotty.
Spottedleaf: I'll come into your dreams every night, Fiery.
Firepaw: I'm going out for a stroll, shall I?
Spottedleaf: Sure.
Raincloud: Be gone! POOF
Evil: I can't believe I'm mentoring a traitor.
Firepaw: (Eavesdropping)!!
Dustpaw: How long was Ravenpaw gone?
Evil: Long enough to get a snow cone, then back.
Firepaw: (To himself) WHAT?! He was with us the whole time!
Dustpaw: That little traitor!
Firepaw: How could getting a snow cone be an example of a traitor? Maybe they're talking in code. I've gotta tell Bluestar about Evil now! (Runs away)
Firepaw: I'll get some poppy seeds for you.
Graypaw: Fine.
Ravenpaw: Yeah. It's JUUUUUUUUUUUUUST fine.
Spottedleaf: The spirits are restless. I can't understand what they're saying.
Firepaw: (Listens to spirits) they say you're going to die in the next chapter.
Spottedleaf: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Firepaw: Anyway, I need poppy seeds.
Spottedleaf: Okay. (Gives Firepaw seeds) also, I want to tell you that I got a prophecy a few moons ago. They said fire alone could save our clan.
Firepaw: Jeepers, creepers!
Spottedleaf: I think if I'm going to die in the next chapter, this is my last time speaking to you in real life, so good-bye, Fiery!
Firepaw: Good-bye, Spotty!
IN THE APPRENTICES DEN IN THE MORNING
Firepaw: WAKE UP, YOU LAZY OLD FLEABAG!
Graypaw: Zzz . . . zzz . . .
Evil: We're gonna start training now, people!
Firepaw/Ravenpaw: Okay!
Graypaw: Zzz . . . zzz . . .
Evil: WAKE UP, YOU LAZY OLD FLEABAG!
Firepaw: It doesn't work-
Graypaw: Yes, Evil?
Firepaw: . . . wow.
Bluestar: Let's start training.
Firepaw: Okay, but I want to tell you about Raven-
Bluestar: Attack me.
Firepaw: Okay. (To self) Hmm . . . I could attack her on the side, although she'd be clever enough to dodge. I could also flip her over . . . but she's bigger than me so that'd be hard to do . . .
SEVEN HOURS LATER
Firepaw: (To self) OR . . . nope, already thought of that . . . OH! OH! I know! I could . . . nah, wouldn't work. OOH! I could get a magical pixie horse to run by and she'd be distracted . . . oh, nope. No pixie horses in sight-
Bluestar: JUST ATTACK ME, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!
Firepaw: Okay, you asked for it . . . (Turns into a tornado)
Bluestar: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (Get's caught in the Firepaw tornado) HELP MEEEEEEEE! OH, PLEASE, SOMEONE HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Evil: (Comes back from training session to watch) THIS IS SO, TOTALLY AWESOME! I'M NEXT! I'M NEXT!
Bluestar: (Firepaw tornado ends) me . . . dizzy . . . OOOOH . . .
Evil: Can I try now?
Firepaw: That's all the power I have right now.
Bluestar: And that's all the training time we have.
Firepaw: Already? (Looks at the night sky) wow . . . oh, no! I forgot to tell Bluestar about Ravenpaw and Evil!
Evil: WHAT did you just say?
Firepaw: . . . nothing! (Thinking to self) did I say that out loud?
Evil: Yes.
Firepaw: . . . !!
Graypaw: I cut my paw off.
Firepaw: Really?
Graypaw: Yeah. (Shows Firepaw paw-less leg) I'm going to ask Spottedleaf for a new paw.
Firepaw: Okay.
Ravenpaw: I got prey from ShadowClan territory!
Firepaw: Why?
Ravenpaw: EVIL TOLD ME TO!
ThunderClan: GASP . . .
Mousefur: Bluestar, Evil told Ravenpaw to hunt in enemy territory! What do you say about that?
Bluestar: . . . I don't believe that.
Evil: Phew!
AT NIGHT
Ravenpaw: . . . Zzz . . . hzzuh . . . whzzuh . . . Zzz . . . dry-cleaned underwear . . . Zzz . . . save me, Blue Jean . . . hzzuh . . . get your dirty . . . socks OFF OF HER! (Jumps up) AAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! GET AWAY, EVIL SWEATPANTS! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (Slashes claws at Firepaw) DIE, DIRTY SOCKS! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! GET AWAY FROM BLUE JEAN, MUCKY T-SHIRT! HIIIIIIIIIYAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! YOU DON'T SCARE ME-
Firepaw: RAVENPAW?!
Ravenpaw: What?
Firepaw: . . . what were you dreaming about?
Ravenpaw: Nothing you'd want to know about. Why?
Firepaw: Do you have some kind of strange issue with dirty laundry?
Ravenpaw: . . . no.
Firepaw: Good. Who killed Redtail?
Ravenpaw: Evil.
Firepaw: I knew it.
Ravenpaw: Don't say it out loud.
Firepaw: Why?
Ravenpaw: Because if he hears you, he'll kill you.
Firepaw: I thought he wanted everyone to know he was going to kill Redtail.
Ravenpaw: Why?
Firepaw: Well . . .
MOVIE CLIP OF THE THUNDERCLAN CAMP A FEW MOONS AGO: EVIL RUNS IN CIRCLES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CLEARING SHOUTING "I'M GONNA KILL REDTAIL! I'M GONNA-
Ravenpaw: (Takes film strip out of overhead)
Firepaw: Hey!
Ravenpaw: Why do we have to use film strips?
Firepaw: It's funny.
Ravenpaw: . . . OKAY! I ADMIT IT!
Firepaw: You admit what?
Ravenpaw: I know Evil's plan, but I'm not allowed to tell it to anyone! He's going to get as many snow cones as he can, give them to StarClan, then they'll throw them all back down and it will start snowing. Then penguins will want to come here and we'll be driven out. Then, Evil will become ruler of the penguins! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!
Firepaw: Why did you put the evil laugh at the end?
Ravenpaw: It just adds dramatic effect.
Firepaw: Oh.
Ravenpaw: You do know that Evil's dad was a penguin, right?
Firepaw: So he's half penguin?
Ravenpaw: Yup.
Firepaw: Funny, because he looks just like a cat to me.
Ravenpaw: (Points at Evil outside)
EVIL HAS GROWN A PENGUIN BEAK, FEATHERS, AND FLIPPERS. HE'S ALSO DOING PENGUIN CALLS
Firepaw: I didn't see that coming.
Ravenpaw: He does it only when he wants to.
Firepaw: Wow . . . fascinating.
THE NEXT MORNING
Evil: (Still in beak, feathers, and flippers doing penguin calls) Oh, yeah. It really makes my throat feel good . . .
ThunderClan: (Staring at Evil) . . .
Evil: Hey, it's YOUR dreams, people!
ThunderClan: Oh. (Torturing themselves so they can "wake up")
Bluestar: (Comes out of den and looks at cats trying to kill themselves) . . . idiots.
Evil: (No longer a half penguin) I know.
Spottedleaf: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Firepaw: I'm guessing this is when she dies.
Frostfur: My kits! They're MISSING! Oh, why me? WHY ME?!
Graypaw: (Slaps Frostfur) SHUT UP AND FOCUS!
Frostfur: . . . okay.
JUST SO YOU KNOW, SLAPPING OTHER PEOPLE (OR CATS) IS WRONG, DANGEROUS, AND MEAN. SO DON'T DO IT. THANK YOU.
Evil: Spottedleaf died slapping herself trying to "Wake up!"
Firepaw: I never knew she'd be this stupid.
Spottedleaf's ghost: How RUDE!
Firepaw: Sorry.
Frostfur: Nofang's gone!
Evil: Nofang's gone. So what?
Frostfur: She took my kits!
Evil: And Ravenpaw must've helped!
Frostfur: I knew he was a traitor.
Bluestar: Firepaw, I want you to get Nofang back.
Firepaw: Okay.
Frostfur: (Whacks innocent Ravenpaw with giant hammer) GET OUT!
Ravenpaw: (Flat) okay.
Firepaw: You have to get out of here!
Ravenpaw: And go where?
Firepaw: . . . uh . . . I know his name . . . it's at the tip of my tongue . . . it's like . . . Arley? Carley? Darley? Earley? Farley? Garley? Harley? Iarley? Jarley? Karley? Larley? Marley? Monkey? Narley? . . .
Ravenpaw: (While Firepaw's still thinking out loud) I should know this!
Raincloud: (In Ravenpaw's memories) send Ravenpaw to Barley's farm on the day Evil wants to kill him.
Firepaw: . . . Uarley? Varley? Warley? Xarley? Yarley? Zarley-
Ravenpaw: BARLEY!
Firepaw: Barley . . . that's a strange name.
Ravenpaw: Come on! We've got to get to Barley's place so we can save me! (Winks at Raincloud)
Raincloud: (Winks back)
AFTER RAVENPAW IS DROPPED OFF
Firepaw: Yay! We're at . . . the circus. Graypaw, why are we here?
Graypaw: I like the girl that unicycles across the rope.
Firepaw: You're blinded by love.
Graypaw: Is that bad?
Firepaw: Yes. We need to find Nofang!
Graypaw: Oh. Okay!
Firepaw/Graypaw: (Leave the circus and go to ShadowClan)
Nofang: (Dancing to "Rush") don't let nobody tell you your life is over-
Firepaw: Nofang?
Nofang: (Turns off radio and throws it into the bushes) what?
Firepaw: You like Aly and AJ too?
Nofang: Well, I-
Graypaw: Give us the kits.
Nofang: I don't know where they are, but I know Clawface stole them.
Firepaw: Who's Clawface?
Nofang: SIGH you just HAD to ask. (Flips remote)
MOVIE CLIP OF THE SHADOWCLAN PATROL A FEW MINUTES AGO: CLAWFACE IS A BIG, FAT KITTY SINGING, "I LOVE YOU, YOU LOVE ME. WE'RE A HAPPY FAMILY . . ." AND THE OTHER CATS IN THE PATROL ARE COVERING THEIR EARS
Firepaw: Oh, gosh. I hate him already.
Kits: Meow! Someone help us!
Graypaw: It's the kits . . . in clown wigs?
Kits: (Reveal themselves wearing clown wigs) B-brokenstar w-wanted us to b-be p-proffessional c-c-c-c-clowns!
Firepaw: GASP How could he?!
Female kits: He just can! He's . . . OH, SO POWERFUL! I JUST LOOVE HIM! HE'S THE LEADER OF GORGEOUSNESS!
Brokenstar: (Nods and walks away)
Female kit: He's a maniac! We want him OUT!
Nofang: . . . WAIT! I have a plan.
Firepaw/Graypaw/Kits: What?
Graypaw: Hold that thought, Nofang. A ThunderClan patrol is coming!
Nofang: HIDE!
Firepaw/Graypaw/Nofang/Kits: (Hide behind a huge painting of a clown)
Firepaw: Brokenstar must have a love for clowns.
Graypaw: And Raincloud must have her mind on circuses.
Raincloud: Yes, I do.
Kits: FAAAAAAAASCINATING.
Nofang: I know some elders that will help us drive out Brokenstar.
Graypaw: How about the ThunderClan patrol helps us, too!
Firepaw: Are you crazy?
Graypaw: Yes.
Nofang: I actually think it's a good idea. Let's get the patrol and the elders and drive out Brokenstar!
Firepaw/Graypaw/Kits: YEAH!
Nofang: But first, let us all have a peanut butter and jam sandwich.
Kits: YUM!
AFTER THE SANDWICHES HAVE BEEN EATEN
Nofang: BURP
Kits: EEEEEW!
Whitestorm: I think the dawg went this way, yo!
Firepaw: Whitestorm?
Whitestorm: What's the lil' dawgie doin' here?
Firepaw: We found Nofang. She didn't take the kits, but she wants revenge on Brokenstar.
Mousefur: We're in.
Firepaw: Cool. Now, let's get the elders.
Willowpelt: Just one question: were you hiding behind that hideous poster of Peanut the Clown?
Graypaw: We were hiding behind a painting of a clown.
Mousefur: Brokenstar is one strange cat.
Whitestorm: I hear ya!
A FEW PAWSTEPS LATER
Nofang: This is Ashfur . . .
Ashfur: Hello, there.
Nofang: . . . Nightpelt . . .
Nightpelt: Howdy!
Nofang: . . . and Dawnflower.
Dawnflower: I don't want to loose any more of my kits.
Firepaw: Thanks for the info.
Ashfur: We all want revenge on Brokenstar. He's broken the warrior code, and put up many hideous clown posters and drawings and statues and stuff.
Graypaw: Statues?
Nightpelt: (Points to a statue of a clown squirting water at a cat with a hose)
Firepaw: He's going to give the kits nightmares!
Graypaw: He's going to give ME nightmares!
Nofang: So here's our plan: We tie the kits to branches of trees around the camp, and then the ShadowClan cats will be trying to get them down. Then we attack them.
Kit: That's a cool plan!
Nofang: Do we agree?
Everyone in the area: YEAH!
Nofang: Alright. Let's do this thing!
ONCE THE KITS ARE ALL TIED UP
Brokenstar: Wha? How could our kits be tied up in trees?
Kits: Help us! HELP US!
Brokenstar: Gather around, ShadowClan! We need a plan to get our future clowns out of those trees.
ShadowClan: (Huddle around Brokenstar)
Nofang: Brokenstar and his warriors are such idiots. They can climb trees can't they?
Whitestorm: Attack, yo!
ThunderClan patrol/ShadowClan elders/the rest of them: YAAAAAAAAH!
ShadowClan: !!
Nofang: (Opens her mouth in front of three warriors) Ahhhhhhhhh.
Three Warriors: Our noses! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (Run away)
Graypaw: Sometimes, I'm actually glad you have bad breath.
Nofang: Aaaaw . . . put a sock in it! (Puts dirty sock in Graypaw's mouth)
THREE MINUTES LATER
Firepaw: The only cat left to drive out is Brokenstar.
Brokenstar: Die, Nofang!
Nofang: Never! (Plays dead)
Brokenstar: GASP I've actually done it. I've killed Nofang! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!
Nofang: (Opens mouth)
Brokenstar: . . . I'm too used to Nofang's bad breath, so I won't die of it!
Firepaw: Take that, clown freak! (Whacks Brokenstar with hammer seen in chapter 21)
Brokenstar: (In Darth Vader voice) I'll be back! (Runs away)
Willowpelt: We did a good job. Let's go home.
Bluestar: What happened?
Mousefur: Firepaw drove out Brokenstar and the rest of us drove out his warriors.
Bluestar: Whitestorm, did Firepaw and Graypaw fight like warriors?
Whitestorm: Yeah, yeah, homeslice!
Bluestar: Then from now on, Graypaw, you'll be known as Graystripe.
Graystripe: Yes! I got my warrior name!
Bluestar: Firepaw, from now on, you'll be known as Fireheart.
Fireheart: What a surprise.
Evil: Where's Ravenpaw?
Fireheart: He died watching the lady that unicycles across the rope.
Graystripe: Don't make fun of her!
Evil: He would've made a great warrior. I was wrong to assume he was a traitor.
Fireheart: Yeah. Sure.
Bluestar: When cats become warriors, we must watch a movie to celebrate. It's part of the warrior code.
Graystripe: What movie should we watch?
Fireheart: . . . I think I have an idea . . .
LATER
Projection screen: And now for our feature presentation . . .
THE WHOLE THUNDERCLAN ARE SITTING IN MOVIE THEATER CHAIRS IN FRONT OF THEIR PROJECTION SCREEN ABOUT TO WATCH STAR WARS
Projection screen: . . . 3 . . .
Graystripe: Hey, does anyone have any popcorn?
Projection screen: . . . 2 . . .
Graystripe: I really like popcorn while watching a movie!
Projection screen: . . . 1 . . .
Graystripe: (Sees Evil with a large bucket of popcorn) POPCORN! (Attacks Evil as movie starts)
Mousefur: Fireheart's here, Sandpaw's here, Bluestar's here, Evil's being attacked, Longtail's here, Raincloud's here . . .
Raincloud: Hi, there!
Mousefur: Who's that? (Points at a cat sitting next to Raincloud)
Raincloud: Oh, that's my friend, Heather-rustle.
Heather-rustle: She's the author, so I'm the reader. Hi there, Mousefur!
Mousefur: So, you, Raincloud, wrote us, and you, Heather-rustle, read us.
Heather-rustle: Yup.
Mousefur: Then, how could the author and the reader be with us when the author is writing us and the reader is reading us?
Raincloud: Uh . . . ?
Mousefur: (Faints)
Nofang: No wonder Spottedleaf hated being medicine cat. She has to miss out on movies! (Drags Mousefur to her den)
Raincloud: Heather-rustle, did you know that Darkstripe was never mentioned in this story?
Heather-rustle: Really? Then where is he?
Darkstripe: (Surrounded by medieval knights) I knew I should've never gone into that time machine!
Heather-rustle: How did he get a time machine?
Raincloud: I don't know.
Frostfur: Wait one second . . . WHERE ARE MY KITS?!
Fireheart: Uh . . . oh . . .
BACK IN A SHADOWCLAN TREE
Kit: Someone, help us. Someone, help us. (Falls asleep)
Nofang: And we all live happily ever after. (Plays the Warriors theme song on her violin)