Pairings: Emma/August, Emma/Snow, August/Ruby
Rating: M (for sexytimes and nudity and language)
Disclaimer: I own nothing related to Once Upon a Time.
A/N: I'm not sure this is as funny as I originally wanted, but I like how it came out and I hope you do too!
"Oh god, August! Yes!" Emma threw her head back and moaned as she rode him frantically. He bit his lip and gripped the flesh of her hips, keeping her steady as he came closer and closer to that blissful release.
It had been entirely too long since they'd had enough time alone together for their secret sexy escapades, but when Snow and Charming offered to take Henry out for ice cream after dinner, they jumped at the opportunity to jump each other.
August's eyes shot open suddenly. "Emma, Emma wait," he whispered.
She slowed her pace to a halt and frowned, breathing heavily. "This isn't good for you? We can try another position…"
"No Emma, believe me, it's very good. Amazing, if you want to get specific. But I'm pretty sure I just heard something downstairs."
"Stop worrying," she cooed and smiled affectionately, "they always take at least an hour and it's only been twenty minutes so far. You're just anxious because we haven't done it in a while." She leaned down to kiss him, sucking gently on his bottom lip, then began to move her pelvis slowly.
Groaning in consent, August lifted his hips to meet hers and soon he was back at the edge, just a few strokes away from heavenly relief…
The front door slammed and they gasped simultaneously. Voices echoed in the room below.
"Emma! We're home!" Snow called out.
"I told you I heard something! Shit!" He admonished in a hushed tone and let his head fall back heavily against the pillow.
"I'm sorry, I really didn't think they'd be back so soon!" She shot up and nearly fell off of the bed when she swung her leg frantically over. August caught her by the arm and pulled her back up before she could hit the ground and cause the family to come running. She found her footing, albeit a bit wobbly, and threw on a pair of pajama pants and a tank top. August sat up and rolled the condom off, dropping it into the waste bin by her nightstand and lamented at his lack of completion. He wondered momentarily if it would be too inappropriate to finish himself off, then thought better of it.
"Emma? Where are you?"
"I'm upstairs! Just getting ready for bed!" She pressed herself to the door and turned to August, lowering her voice, "You have to get dressed and get out of here, now."
He stood and looked around for a second before closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose. "That would be great, except for the fact that my clothes are still in your washing machine."
"Shit, I forgot! Damnit, why did you make me wash them all?"
"Well it's not my fault you spilled an entire bowl of soup on me at dinner. Plus, whenever Granny does my laundry, she makes everything smell like lavender!"
They heard the familiar rattle of iron as Snow began to ascend the staircase.
"Okay, okay just… get in the closet while I get rid of my mom and we'll figure something out."
August wedged himself in just as the door opened and he watched the two women through a crack.
"Everything okay, sweetie?" Her eyes darted around the small room suspiciously. August was glad Emma was the type of girl who made it a habit to not make her bed; otherwise the disheveled sheets would have been a glaring tip-off.
Emma smiled. "Yeah of course. I'm fine."
Snow frowned at her daughter, clearly not buying it. "Are you sure? You're all sweaty and out of breath."
August smirked.
"Oh, yeah… I was just doing some crunches. Figured a little exercise couldn't hurt."
That's my girl, he thought with a grin.
Snow smiled. "Oh, and there was something else I wanted to ask: when did August leave?"
"When did August leave?… He left right after you guys. He wanted to get the soup washed out of his clothes," she added sheepishly.
Snow raised an eyebrow and drummed her fingers on the doorframe. "Because his bike's still here…"
Oh, shit.
"His bike!" Emma laughed unnaturally and gripped the edge of the door. She was clearly trying not to panic. "Well, you know, he had a few too many glasses of wine with dinner, so he decided it would be better to walk home," she spoke slightly too fast and then threw in unnecessarily: "On my advice. Because I'm the sheriff."
That inexplicably seemed to pacify her mother, and August watched her face soften, feeling a minor wave of relief wash over him.
"Okay, well it turns out the ice cream place is closed for renovations, so we picked up a couple pints from the supermarket. Want some?"
"Yeah, I'm just uh… I'll be down in a few minutes."
Snow looked suspicious again, but didn't argue. "Ok, then… come down when you're ready. Do you want us to wait for you to start the movie?" She gave another prying glance around the room, ultimately letting her eyes rest on the closet door. August tensed, but there was no way she could have seen him there and he'd been extremely careful to stay perfectly still. Nevertheless, the quick, slight raise of an eyebrow seemed to indicate that she knew otherwise.
"No, that's ok, I've got a couple things to do still, but thanks." She smiled again locked the door behind her mother with a sigh, then turned the radio on loudly and put her hands on her hips, deep in thought.
August eked carefully out of the closet, making sure to stay as quiet as possible. "So what now?" He whispered and gave her a mischievous grin, "You bought us a few minutes, we could finish what we started…"
"Are you serious? No. You can't stay. You'll have to climb down the fire escape."
"Come on, Emma, I'm naked!"
She walked to her dresser and rummaged around. "Try these." She threw a pair of grey sweat pants at him and he sat down to slide them over his feet and up his calves, standing again when he got to his thighs. He pulled them firmly, trying not to rip the waistband, but couldn't get them up over his ass or even far enough to cover his manhood. He let his arms hang heavily at his sides and looked ruefully at Emma, who clapped both hands over her mouth to suppress a giggle.
"Why do you have to be so damn skinny?" Removing the stupid things took more energy than they did to put on, and he sat breathless on the edge of her bed. "Don't you have anything that could fit me?"
"Apparently not. Looks like you, sir, are going commando."
"Emma, I can't walk around outside naked! I could get arrested!"
"Not if you run fast enough."
Sighing in resignation, he realized that this clearly was not his battle to be won, so he headed toward the window and pulled it open, then turned to face her. "Fine, but when I call you to come bail me out, you have to promise you'll bring me some pants that fit."
"I promise." She snickered and pulled him in for a quick kiss before spinning him around and slapping him playfully on the ass. "Now get going!"
He climbed out the window feet-first onto the metal fire escape, then poked his head back in. "Seriously, though, when are we going to stop sneaking around like a couple of horny teenagers? I mean, it does make things more fun but… well, although she didn't come out and say it, your mom pretty much seemed to know already…"
"August, we've talked about this… it's not just my parents I'm worried about. I also have to think about Henry, and we're just getting used to being a family. I can't shake things up for him again just yet, even though I know he adores you."
"How could he not? I'm delightful." He gave her a cheeky grin and cupped her face, bringing her in for a passionate kiss. Hi tongue begged for entrance, which she reluctantly obliged, and when she managed to break away his expression had turned solemn. "I love you."
"I love you too, August, but now's just not the right time. Soon, though. And besides, if we went down there now, with you completely buck-ass naked and having just hidden in my closet, it might not go over so well with any of them."
The smirk returned. "Okay, but you owe me."
"I think I can figure out a way to make it up to you."
"Oh, yeah? And how's that?"
"You'll just have to wait until I bring you your clothes tomorrow to find out." She leaned in until her parted lips were at his ear, her breath tantalizingly hot on his flesh. August closed his eyes in anticipation, straining to hear her barely audible whisper: "That is, if you're not in jail."
"You're such a fucking tease."
She grinned victoriously. "Now, go! And be as quiet as you can." Pecking him on the cheek, she slid the window down between them and turned the radio off before leaving her room.
Surveying the dark street, August sighed in relief upon seeing it deserted, then made his way slowly down the old rickety scaffold and landed on the sidewalk.
"Looking good, Mr. Booth."
He spun around, covered his crotch with both hands, and cursed under his breath. Ruby was walking towards him, her red cloak billowing around her.
"Sneaking out of Emma's window, are we?" She quipped brazenly while unapologetically checking him out.
His face grew warm and he smiled uncomfortably. "Ruby, would you mind doing me a huge favor and let me borrow your cloak?"
"Not if you want me to turn into a wolf and eat you whole." She nodded up at the full moon and took a few steps closer. "But I can also do that with the cloak still on, in case you're interested."
"No, thank you. I'm all set," he huffed exasperatedly.
She looked him over again, clearly amused. "I'll tell you what: you can borrow my work apron, but you have to promise to get it back to me before my shift tomorrow morning at eight." She reached into her cloak and started to hand it over, but pulled away before he could take it and gave him a sly smile. "Also on the condition that you tell me the whole story over your morning coffee, because this is something I absolutely want to hear about."
He rolled his eyes but knew that playing along was his best bet for making it to his room without having concerned citizens calling the cops on a nude man running through the streets. And what was with the women of this town constantly taunting him with things he wanted? "Yes, fine, whatever. Just give me the apron."
She handed it over finally and he stepped sideways behind a bush to tie the tiny thing around his waist. It didn't offer a lot of coverage, but it was enough, and it was definitely better than being completely exposed.
"Thank you. And please, if you can? Don't mention this to anyone. Not even Emma."
"I'll see what I can do," she said with a wink and turned to walk away. "Goodnight, Mr. Booth!"
August sighed and looked back up at the window from where he'd snuck. Emma really owed him, now. And with a smile on his face, he hurried across town to his room at the inn with the only thought in his mind being that he couldn't wait until he got his clothes back.