Hang a Noose

Sometimes I wish you were here. But even if you were still alive, you wouldn't be here with me. You'd be off leading some random hot girl into temptation. Off stuffing your face with cake and you wouldn't give me a moment's thought. And maybe that's how it should be.

You probably forgot all about me by now. And not to mention it, I don't blame you. I'm useless, I'm a coward. I get me and Sammy into so many suicidal and fucked up situations. I don't deserve to be saved. Never did.

It's strange to admit I ached for you, when you were gone, when Sam was soulless, when I was losing everything around me all at once, including my mind. I ached for your grin, your fucked up sense of humor, your everything pretty much.

But I refused to call for you. After all, you were dead. Death by certified bulletproof angel blade. You're not coming back. That isn't too hard to figure out. Or maybe it is for me. Cause you guys don't ever really seem to stay dead.

And now I stand here, watching Castiel as he consumes numerous souls and they corrupt him one by one. I stand here, waiting for the end to come. Waiting for him to kill me. I will not do what he asks. And maybe you think I'm an idiot for fighting in a situation I should not be fighting in. Because really, I'm fighting to die, to preserve my pride and dignity, to prove who exactly Winchesters are. You know, maintaining the family legacy. I'm giving my life freely to him and maybe that's exactly what he wants.

He can take my soul. But I wish you would save it first. I want you to have it. Just take good care of it is all. Don't let Castiel eat me. You wouldn't let that happen. Right?

He's talking to me now I think, but for the life of me I can't listen. His words are not words I want to hear. He wants me to bow down to him, Gabriel. Please, save me. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to protect Sam. I don't know how to protect myself.

I don't even know whether I want to protect myself.

His eyes are dark and stormy and shining with such evil intent I dare not try to see exactly what he is. It's over, everything, my life, has come to a halt. An end. Cause there's no way I can get myself out of this one.

So it's me, Dean Winchester, here to beg an almighty archangel for some help here. And if you're planning on helping me it better be now, cause I really don't think I have much time left.

Seconds. Only seconds.

I say no. I say no because it's the only thing I can say. I wouldn't be Dean Winchester if I said yes. If I labeled Castiel the "new god" and bowed down to him. Scratch all that shit. I won't bow down to something as evil as the devil. I have no faith left in Castiel. Why? Because this isn't Cas. This is some monster who claims to know me but it doesn't, it just knows my name somehow. I won't give my life up to him.

I'd rather give up my life to you.

Even if you can't save me, please save Sam. I'm begging you so hard for that one. He just got his soul back, he just woke up, I need you to protect him. Please, I can't lose him again. Save him. Because even if there's not any hope for me, there must be hope for him. And save Bobby too, don't forget about Bobby. He deserves to live, he's saved my ass more times than I could care to count.

And maybe if you can, maybe if there was more time… You could save me.

If you could see me right now, you would see Castiel, looking straight at me when it seems like he's looking down at me. All his power and all the rage at my disgust for him boiling to the surface. I brought this down on myself, I know that and I'm not denying it.

Sam's looking at me, I can feel him looking at me but I don't look back. I have no idea what to say. How can you face your baby brother when you know you've let him down? When you know your neglect for Cas has brought him and you to this very position?

And Gabriel, you should see his eyes. They're so... Fuck! It hurts!

XxXx

But Winchesters don't cry, Winchesters don't beg. They suck it up and deal. Even when an angel turned devil is striking them with some blinding white light that's nowhere near painless and comfortable. Winchesters stay strong through it all.

But I'm sick and tired and I won't die with that mentality. That stupidity. I need you, Gabriel.

Please, if you remember me at all, care about what happens to me: Save Sam. Cause I'm too far gone to worry about now. I'm too...

Gabriel…

XxXx

Dean…

FIN