Her senses still felt like they were on alert, even though the immediate threat was over. Everything was still a little surreal. Little things like the heavy clump of her boots against the wooden floor. Boots didn't make that noise on sand. Things like the woven ribbons on her shoulders. They were only two little pieces of fabric, but they felt bulky on her shoulders.
She walked down the corridor with a file of papers tucked under her arm and stopped in front of the office door, knocked and waited.
"Come on in," called out the voice from within.
She opened the door and stepped in.
Major Hughes looked up and smiled in genuine welcome when he saw her. Things had continued to be hectic at Eastern Command. Troops were constantly coming and going as soldiers were being re-deployed and de-mobilised after the Ishvalan War. The place was noise and movement and seemingly endless paperwork. Hughes had been working through a mounting pile of de-briefing reports and a visit from the young officer was a welcome diversion.
"Ah, Lieutenant Hawkeye come on in. Good to see you," said Hughes.
Hawkeye strode into the office and stood to attention.
"Hello Major Hughes," Hawkeye replied with a salute.
Hughes leant back in his chair and observed the young officer. "Congratulations on your promotion. Those epaulettes look good on your uniform. You deserve them," he said.
"I deserve something. Not sure if it's that." Hawkeye replied cooly.
"And I've seen your name in the latest list of bravery awards that's been announced."
Hawkeye stayed silently at attention.
"Anyway,' asked Hughes reaching back and massaging his neck, "this is an unexpected pleasure. What can I help you with?"
Hawkeye handed across the papers she held in her hand. "If you could sign off on these documents at your earliest convenience I'd appreciate it," she said, returning to attention.
Hughes took the documents and started flicking through the pages. The grin on his face faded to be replaced with a look of concern.
"Lieutenant, this is a Declaration of Unsuitability for Commendation."
"Yes Sir."
"What's this all about?" Hughes asked dropping the documents heavily onto his desk and looking at Hawkeye.
"I need three serving officers to sign the Declaration stating that my behaviour during the Ishval campaign makes me unsuitable to receive the commendations I've been nominated for," Hawkeye replied. "I request you sign the documents so they can be submitted." Her tone was precise and it was obvious she didn't want to discuss her request any further.
"Yeah, I know what the Declaration is, Lieutenant. But this is crap," stated Hughes. "Your behaviour is, and always has been, exemplary."
Hawkeye's expression was fixed. "Will you sign it Sir?"
"I don't know," said Hughes. "I'm unaware of any such behaviour so, unless you want me to lie for you, you'd better update me on your unsuitable behaviour." He leant forward on his desk and continued. "What specific actions can you cite to demonstrate your unsuitability for these commendations?"
Hawkeye remained at attention, silently staring ahead.
Hughes continued his interrogation. All humour gone from his voice. He was concerned for the younger officer and didn't want to let her slip away behind her facade of professionalism.
"Any examples of cowardice?" he asked.
No answer.
"Refusing to follow orders?"
Hawkeye stared straight ahead.
"Disrespecting a superior officer? Acting in an unprofessional manner?"
She felt her jaw tightening.
"A tarnished button on your uniform perhaps?"
Hawkeye was like stone and her eyes were flint. "Nothing I can think of currently Sir," she replied. her fists clenched. "Will you sign?"
Hughes could see that Hawkeye was on a razors edge, but didn't back down. Whatever this was about, he didn't want it to become one more thing pressing down on her.
"Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye, please remove that stick from up your arse and talk to me." Hughes demanded.
"I just don't want the damn medals!" she snapped, every muscle tense. Her breathing had become shallow and fast.
Hawkeye never raised her voice, but it was hard and clipped. She felt like she wanted to scream. Ishval had been nothing but a nightmare of death and betrayal. Betrayed by the one she had trusted most and betrayed by her country. She didn't care about what people said of her actions. That she was brave, or that she had acted beyond the call of duty. She thought most of the Ishvalans she had seen through the sights of her rifle. To think of her actions there being celebrated with decorations and ribbons was too obscene and bizarre to even consider.
"Now are you going to sign the papers, or do I have to ask someone else?" she asked barely controlling her frustration.
Hughes sat quietly looking at her.
"Sir," Hawkeye added belatedly, forcing herself to calm down.
"Well that finally has a ring of truth about it," Hughes said gently.
He stood up and walked around the other side of his desk.
"At ease Lieutenant," he said as he sat against his desk in front of her. "Please Hawkeye, what's going on here? Your service has been flawless and you absolutely deserve recognition."
Hawkeye remained silently at attention.
"All the actions you've been commended for resulted in the saving of Amestrian lives," Hughes continued. There are scores of soldiers who are alive today because of your bravery and selflessness. I think that's worth acknowledging."
"Be that as it may. I can only think of the Ishvalans who died as a result of my actions," she replied.
"You followed the orders you were given," said Hughes and paused, "We all did."
"I joined the military for one reason and it wasn't to murder Ishvalans," said Hawkeye.
A silence drew out between them as they remembered the war so recently finished.
"Why were we even there Sir?" she asked softly.
"I don't know Hawkeye," he replied. "Someday we'll find the truth."
Hughes picked up the paperwork again and looked through it.
"I see this Declaration has been initiated by Major Mustang. I doubt it's originally his idea," he said.
"No Sir, it wasn't his idea. He initially disagreed with my request just as you have."
"How did you get him to fill in the Declaration?" asked Hughes.
"I filled in the Declaration,' she answered. "Major Mustang just signed it."
"Ha, I'm sure he did," smiled Hughes. "And Major Armstrong has seconded Major Mustang's request, so you've got two signatures already."
"Yes Sir. Major Armstrong understood immediately and kindly signed without further inquiry," said Hawkeye.
"Hum. And I see that penmanship is a skill that has been passed down through the Armstrong line for generations," said Hughes smiling.
Hawkeye smiled at Hughes' joke as she imagined Armstrong flourishing an ornate quill in his hand. It relieved Hughes to see her smile and that she still had a sense of humour.
"If I sign this,' Hughes said, "it doesn't just mean you won't receive any medals. You'll probably have a large black mark on your personnel record that could affect your future in the Military."
"As I said Sir, I only joined the Military for one reason. I'm not really worried about a possible black mark on my record," Hawkeye replied.
"OK," said Hughes, "I'll sign it for you. But there's one condition."
"Thank you Sir," said Hawkeye as she saluted.
Hughes stood up. "And the condition is that you don't report my unprofessional behaviour."
Hughes spread his arms wide and stepped towards her.
Hawkeye was puzzled, but before she knew exactly what was happening Hughes wrapped her up in a huge hug. She stiffened at first, surprised by the physical contact. It had been so long since someone had given her a genuine hug. The warmth and humanity of Hughes was overwhelming and Hawkeye let herself relax and hug him back.
Hughes swayed gently back and forward in the hug and said, "Salutes are stupid. Hugs should be the way we show respect in the Military."
Hawkeye couldn't help herself and laughed aloud. "That would make parades quiet an event Sir."
"I guess it would," Hughes agreed. He collected up the papers and sat down. Hawkeye returned to attention as the Major signed the documents.
"There you go Lieutenant,' said Hughes as he handed across the papers. "I trust your reason for joining the Military will prove worthy in the end."
"Thank you Sir," said Hawkeye giving a final salute before leaving the office.
As she walked back down the corridor Hawkeye thought her footsteps didn't sound so heavy. There were still burdens she carried, and she hoped they would be dealt with soon. And there would always be those she needed to protect. But she would move forward so much better without the weight of ribbons.
AN - This came about as a result of a conversation on Tumblr as to why Riza Hawkeye doesn't have any medals on her uniform.
Any feedback, comments, constructive criticism is always welcome. Thanks for reading this far.