Disclaimer: "You mean we have to fight all of the people we defeated before? This is the worst recurring nightmare I've ever been awake for!"

(An: I know, it took me AGES to get this out… So this is a parody of The Road to El Dorado. Oh, by the way, since I got suspended for "script format", my comments will now be in bold. Like that, comprends? Singing is also still in bold.)

Miguel: Remy

Tulio: Forge

Chel: Ororo

Altivo (yes, he has a part; he's a weird horse): John

Tzekel Khan: Pietro

Chief Tannabok: Fred

Cortes (ooh, it irks me to spell it like that): Sabertooth

Random Singer Dude (RSD): Piotr

ALL THAT BUSY STUFF THAT GOES ON BEFORE THE MOVIE...

"And the absolute power is back where it belongs!" Kurt cries.

"I'm the default director, you know," Ororo says, sulking. (1)

"You're just pissed because you have to wear the little Chel costume," Remy points out.

"And..."

"So don't take it out on me!" Kurt cries.

"I'm allowed to be pissed at you," Ororo growls. "I was going to be paired with you." (2)

There is a pause as everyone shudders at the movie reference/general squickiness.

"Now, let's see," Kurt mumbles, flipping through his clipboard. "Ah! Yes! We need to turn John into a horse!"

"Oh, shiznit," John mumbles, as Forge closes in on him with the purple octagonal thing.

FIVE MINUTES LATER...

A vaguely orange horse is standing there.

"It must be on the fritz," Forge mutters, giving the octagonal thing a good smack. "First 'Ro and now him." (3)

John poses. "So, Remy, how do I look?"

"Like an idiot," Remy replies. "Nothin' new there."

Wanda chuckles and John looks crestfallen and stuff like that.

"Hmm," Kurt murmurs. "Well, Forge and Remy already have Mad Sword Skillz, so I think we can start." (4)

"Aw, man," Forge mutters.

I don't like repeating jokes, ok?

So our movie begins with some vaguely Spanish-ish songs, I guess.

Everything looks like a cardboard cutout bit as a title fades up: The Road to Where Now?

"Okeedoke, Piotr, you're on!" Kurt says.

Piotr sighs.

Watch it, metalhead. I could have made you an animated Elton John.

Piotr squeaks and starts to sing. "Our glorious city"

We see Dani and her grandfather on a horse... thing... it's got a horse head but like a lizard body, ok? Man, these Mayan people dudes could not draw!

"Was built by the divinities

They wave their arms a lot and big flashy light effects gather around their hands.

Did we have to scrimp on the advertising budget for the special effects?

"…No," Forge says. "Jamie designed the title thingy."

Ah. Carry on, then.

"By gods who saw fit"

Dani and her grandfather make this giant rainbow thingy, which hits what I guess must be earth with a whole bunch of Aztec-y type patterns.

"To bestow
The gift of a paradise"

A big forest grows and an armadillo chasing a butterfly (stylization and foreshadowing, all in one shot! Dreamworks gets props.) hops across the screen.

"Peaceful and harmonious upon"

Then, of course, the armadillo hops into a bush with another armadillo and one verse of the song later, a whole bunch of baby armadillos jump out. Is that cute or perverted?

"Us mere mortals below"

Before fading up to the sun and Dani and her grandfather, we see a cute little jaguar washing itself. I notice things like this, ok? The "gods"-

"Why is that in quotation marks?" Dani demands. "That suggests you doubt it."

Well, you're not really gods…

"So? You don't have to rub it in."

…Okay…

Like I was saying, the gods- happy now?

Dani nods.

The gods look at each other and wink and grin and generally show pleasure with their work. Even if the armadillos are quite promiscuous. Now they rub their hands together and do that zappy thing again. Instead of a jungle, though, they turn the river to gold… which really isn't that smart, you know. All those armadillos and that jaguar aren't gonna survive long.

"This is a creation story. There is no logic," Forge says.

"YOU BLASPHEME!" Dani's-grandfather-whose-name-I-can't-remember-but-should-know yells, pointing at Forge.

"Somebody get the brick!"

"Dude, we got rid of the brick like a whole parody ago," Kurt points out. (5)

"…We did? We did! Damn! What do we have now?"

"Nothing that I know of…"

"Hmm… this needs remedying…"

"Can I go on with my singing first?" Piotr asks.

Forge makes a dismissive flicky-hand-gesture at him, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.

"And made El Dorado
The magnificent and golden
One thousand years ago"

The golden river kinda solidifies into a geometric pattern that sprouts into the three main temples of El Dorado… I don't know any better way to describe it; if you've never seen the movie, you're kind of screwed when it comes to this stuff.

"El Dorado
El Dorado
El Dorado!" Piotr looks around. "Am I finished?"

Forge does the flicky thing again, and Piotr… well, he doesn't quite run. It's a fast walk.

The scene fades from golden water to regular old water flowing from a fountain. "Spain: 1519", reads another one of those annoying cardboard thingies. A cup gets dipped into it, and we fade back to reveal Sabretooth… riding John. OHMIGOD THAT SOUNDED WRONG.

"You said it, not me," Kurt mutters.

"I must not kill him, I must not kill him," John can be heard muttering under his breath. "I must be a good horsey."

"That's not the way I looked at it," Ororo points out.

"Yeah, but you had a pervert skewer. That's an excuse to be bad." (6)

Ororo pats her forehead sadly.

"Today, we sail to conquer the New World! For Spain, for glory, for gold!" Sabes cries. "...Do I get to wear a monocle in this one?" (7)

Just kill me now.

"What? It's a legitimate question!"

"Can I throw him? Let me throw him!" John cries.

...Don't tempt me.

So the soldiers (who are all really the same two guys just colored differently) shoot at the sky (that's a health hazard, really) and somebody yells, "Viva Sabes!"

All this noise, of course, makes John freak out and rear and whinny... it still burns to type that phrase. (8)

"John! Eyes forward," Sabes snaps, tossing away his cup.

The cup, naturally, slams into a reward poster featuring Our Heroes, Remy and Forge. Fade away to reveal Our actual Heroes in the exact same positions as the poster.

"Seven!" Forge shouts.

"All right!" Remy agrees.

Some red dice roll out and land on five and two.

"Partner! Hee hee!" Forge yells, high-fiving Remy. "I can't honestly believe I'm this happy." He scoops up the dice and starts doing a little happy dance with Remy.

"Tons of gold for you" Remy sings, strumming a little mandolin... at least, that's what I think it is.

"Hey!" Juggernaut yells in the background. "You mean I actually get a real part?" His eyes have gone all sparkley and anime-y.

Yeah, sure, whatever.

"Tons of gold for me" Forge sings back, ignoring Juggernaut.

Who, again, yells, "Hey!"

"Tons of gold for we!" Our Heroes sing.

"Hey!" Juggernaut yells a third time.

Now Remy and Forge actually look at him, not overthrilled.

"One more roll!"

Remy looks at Forge and shrugs. Forge, of course, is quite tickled by Juggernaut's suggestion. "Uh, guys, you're broke!" He rubs his fingers together, smirking. "You got nothing to bet with!"

"YOU CAN'T STOP ME!" Juggernaut yells. "I'M THE-"

Everyone boredly replies, "We know."

"But-"

"We know."

Juggernaut mutters under his breath but replies, "Oh, yeah? I got this!" He pulls a grubby piece of parchment out of his coat to reveal-

"A map?" Forge asked, still underthrilled.

Remy, however, is more impressed. And it's not even shiny. "A map!" he gasps.

"A map of the wonders of the New World!" Juggernaut agrees.

"Wow! Let's have a look!"

Forge rolls his eyes. "I'm beginning to think this is typecasting..."

Kurt inspects his fingernails. "Isn't it always?"

Remy makes Excited Muttering Noises (EMN; remember that now, since I'll probably end up using it again) as he goes over the map. He grabs it and then Forge, who starts to walk away. "Forge!" Remy yanks him back onscreen and face-first into the map.

"I'm not enjoying this," Forge mumbles, then straightens. The map still has a big, Forge-shaped indent in it, though. "Excuse me and the crazy person for one moment, please." He says it in a Big, Official-Sounding voice, no less.

"Forge, look! El Dorado, the city of gold!" Remy, of course, sounds rapturous when he says it. "I'm French, mind you. Speaking Spanish burns."

In the background, Roberto swears at him.

Dani glances at Rob. "You're Brazilian. You speak Portuguese." (9)

"They're basically the same language, but mine is more important." Rob preens.

"You need help," Dani mutters.

"This could be our destiny, our fate!" Remy cries.

Forge stares at him. "Remy, if I believed in fate, I wouldn't be playing with loaded dice."

Remy pauses, then whines, sticking out his lower lip.

"Oh, not with the face!"

Remy wiggles his eyebrows.

"I'm not Rogue, that's not going to work with me."

"Eh, it never works with her, either..." He pause, then closes his eyes and makes them as big as possible.

"No!"

He pants like a little puppy.

"These phrases are disturbing me!" John yells in the background.

"No! No!" Forge yells.

Juggernaut leans forward and yanks the map out of Remy's hands. "I said one more roll. My map against your cash."

Remy looks at Forge hopefully, and Forge, looking disgusted with himself, "All right, peewee- peewee?"

Kurt twitches. "Don't ask."

"I hate modern lingo," Forge mutters, straightening up. To Juggernaut, he adds, "You're on!" He shakes his dice, but Juggernaut throws up a hand. It's a pretty gay gesture, really.

"Not with those!" He holds out some regular old white dice. "This time, we use my dice."

"Eh..." says Forge, looking even moreunderthrilled.

"You got a problem with that?"

"Fuggettaboutit!" Kurt cries.

"We need to take away your Soprano DVDs," Kitty mutters, facepalming.

"You'll be sleeping with the fishes!" Kurt yells.

Kitty sighs, shaking her head. "Jeez, ever since we shaved him he's been even more nuts than usual."

Forge, in a rather high-pitched voice, "No..." He grabs Juggernaut's dice and whirls around to face Remy, miming slitting his throat. "I'm going to kill you!"

Remy looks around, as though searching for another Cajun who likes doing puppy-demon eyes behind him, then mouths, "Me?"

Forge glares at him and turns back to Juggernaut, who drops the map on top of the gold.

Forge rubs his hands together. "Come on, baby, Papa needs that crappy map."

In the background, Remy strums his mandolin maniacally, with a very Igor-esque expression. He then slides over by Kitty and smirks at her.

Forge offers his dice to Wanda, who makes an "as if" look and scoffs at hi. "You're currently going out with a horse, kid. You need to keep your options open." Wanda just rolls her eyes and walks off. Forge blows on his dice.

For those of you who are rather... unversed in gambling, blowing on your dice is good luck.

"And having someone hot do it is better luck!" Remy agrees in the background.

He's still strumming his mandolin, though, making Forge yell, "Stop that!"

Remy winces and shuts up.

"Show me seven!" Forge cries, throwing the dice.

One comes up three and the other spins on a corner, finally coming up four.

Forge has covered his eyes, and when the crowd cheers, he peeks out from his hands. "Seven!" he cries.

"All right!" Remy yells.

"Seven!"

Juggernaut makes a hopeless noise as Remy struts back to Forge with the map... rather like a proud puppy, really. "You're going to compare me to a dog for the rest of this, aren't you,."

Of course.

"Hahahah! There it is!" Forge cries, scooping up the gold. "Well, nice doing business with you."

The red dice he was originally using roll out of his shirt (like you weren't expecting this), coming up five and two. Juggernaut pounds the ground, and every time the dice twitch a little but stay on five and seven. "I knew it!"

The crowd gasps as Forge scoops up his dice, and Remy starts playing the mandolin now... sinisterly like.

"Your dice are loaded!" Juggernaut yells, stating the obvious.

That's his superpower, really.

"No respect, no respect."

Not after X3 and getting your butt kicked by Kitty.

"Hey!" Kitty yells in the background.

"You gotta admit, Kitty, it's a pretty rare thing," Kurt points out.

"Because the writers suck," Kitty replies, crossing her arms and sulking.

Remy continues playing the mandolin until Forge, looking quite P.O.'ed, grabs the neck... the mandolin's neck, Forge!

Forge grins sheepishly and lets go of Remy.

"For a genius," Kurt says-

"I know, I know, I'm pretty thick."

"I was gonna say violent, but that works too."

Eh, we'll leave it there for now. I need to go do my 'unsuspended' dance.

The rest of the cast looks at each other and shudders.

I saw that!

(And there we go, first chapter done.)

(1) She is. She was the director for my first two parodies, but then I started doing a plethora of Storges.

(2) In the original casting, it was going to be a Kuroro, but I decided to make it a Storge 'cause Kurt's just too much of a nice guy. And anyway, movie references make me ill. Unless it involves Kitty.

(3) In "Mideval Mutants", Ororo was a unicorn... a black unicorn, naturally.

(4) I have no idea if Forge has Mad Sword Skillz, but Remy does, so that's good enough for me.

(5) The brick/sedative is a running joke that, thankfully, kind of faded out somewhere in "Mideval Mutants".

(6) Ororo's horn wasn't a horn. It was a pervert skewer.

(7) In QFS, Sabes played a griffin with a monocle that appeared out of nowhere. Come on, it's been yanked by the Powers That Be. I needed at least one reference.

(8) In The Last Unicorn, there is a rear and whinny at least once a scene.

(9) He does. And I know this, really. I've just never gotten to show off this knowledge.