So this parody is for a movie/book I love so very, very much. I will continue to update, I swear. Also, this includes scenes from the Extended Editions, so don't be alarmed.

OPENING SEQUENCE

Galadriel: Yo, so check it out. There is some seriously jacked-up shit goin' on around here. Like, ancient, apocalypse-inducing, creepy-ass shit. Yah feel me?

Prologue Flashback: *begins*

Galadriel: Damn, catch a peep of the bling we used to roll with back in the day…I mean, Rings are bad. All Rings. Not necklaces, not bracelets, and certainly not Slytherin lockets, god forbid. 'Round these parts, the only jewelry that contains pieces of twisted evil souls are Rings. Got it? Never trust the Rings. They are all bad. Were bad, are bad, and will always be bad. Very, very bad.

Audience: And yet very, very shiny.

Galadriel: Yes, well, inherent evil is directly proportionate to shininess. And anyway, how else are we going to keep you modern, tiny-attention-spanned Internet hogs interested?

Audience: We resent thaOOOOH SHINY RING!

Prologue Flashback: *continues*

Galadriel: So yeah, this Sauron dude was harshing our collective mellows, so the Men and the Elves went off to fight for glory and righteousness. We didn't let the Dwarves help. They were too short and saddled with comic relief to be any use.

Sauron:*struts his stuff, sends about twenty men flying with each whirl of his big-ass mace*

Elendil: *is smushed*

Isildur: DADDY DADDY NOOOOO!

Sauron: Aw, man, sorry. Seriously, my bad, I feel awful. I just got carried away with my invincible devil powers and—damn it! Who left a sword lying around where just anybody could step on it and—wait, that was yours? Now I feel like a super-jerk. Well, here, let me pat you consolingly on the back.

Isildur: RAAAAAH! *finger slice*

Sauron: …bitch. *implodes and shockwaves everyone to the ground*

Isildur: *playing around with Sauron's severed digits* Wait…what's this?

Ring: *evil grin* Your new best friend, sweetheart.

Galadriel: And so the Ring, which everyone except Isildur seemed to know was pure and unadulterated evil, went on to get the king's ass arrowed to death, turned Gollum into a prime example of This Is Your Brain on Five Hundreds Years Worth of Ring Addiction, and finally ended up with Bilbo Baggins, the chubbiest, sweetest, charmingest, most batshit insane hobbit ever to smoke up on the borders of Buckland. And here our story really begins…

THE SHIRE: GREEN LAND OF BLISSFUL IGNORANCE

Bilbo: So, how do I describe hobbits to the outside world? Well, they're, um…pudgy…and simple-minded…and spend much of their time under one influence or another…and basically are happier than anyone has a right to be. Good to know that we'll spend three movies following the four unhappiest hobbits in Middle-Earth.

Frodo: *sits reading peacefully in a glen, then jumps up and grins winningly into the camera when he hears Gandalf's dulcet tones*

Audience: About seven minutes of scary voice-over back-story filler in this movie so far, and it just became so, totally, worth it.

Gandalf: *trundles in, singing and smoking*

Frodo: You're late.

Gandalf: Terrible traffic over the Gap of Rohan. And you would not believe the number of tollbooths Theoden's set up. I spent a fortune just getting here.

Frodo: Oh…well, I forgive you. C'mere, you big lug.

Frodo and Gandalf: *hug in a way that must have involved some incredibly sneaky forced perspective or blue screen or something, because Frodo pretty much jumps onto his lap and is still suitably tiny*

Gandalf: So how's Bilbo doing? Getting ready for another marathon? Still climbing mountains?

Frodo: Nah. He's just reading a lot. He's also spending a lot of time with his hand in his pocket.

Gandalf: Really? Why?

Frodo: I try not to think about it, Gandalf. Would you?

Gandalf: No. No, I see your point.

Frodo: Well, I'm off to jack a car with Merry and Pippin. See you tonight!

Gandalf: *knocking on Bilbo's door* Yo, Bilbo! Open up! I'm here with the distressed families of thirteen dwarves and a dead dragon, and they'd like to have a word with you!

Bilbo: Oh hell.

Gandalf: Kidding, kidding. It's just me!

Bilbo: Gandalf! Your miserable old son of a bitch, come in!

Bag End: *is slightly reminiscent of a chipmunk's den, but that's probably intentional*

Gandalf: So how's it hanging, Shorty?

Bilbo: Meh. Truth be told, I'm getting a little tired of all this peace and comfort. It's been so long since I clung to the underside of a barrel while being washed violently down the river to Lake Town, where the good people dragged my half-dead waterlogged body onto land. I mean, the good times like that, they never really leave you, do they?

Gandalf: Nah, man. Nah.

Bilbo: So yeah. Definitely gonna head for the hills. Shame about Frodo and all that.

Gandalf: You know, Frodo reminds me of another young hobbit I met once: never wanted to do anything or know anyone, but then one day BAM! He was arm-wrestling dragons, kicking dwarves in the crotch, and making threatening prank calls to the Goblin King.

Bilbo: Heh. Yeah. Fili and Kili never forgave me for that, but it was fun as hell.

THAT EVENING: HOBBIT PARTYING

Bilbo: Tonight, the stars are twinkling merrily. The wind plays cheerfully over my face. That butterfly there wings its way towards me and TRANSFORMS INTO A GIANT HOBBIT-EATING LEVIATHAN OH NO RUN GANDALF RUN—

Gandalf: Dude! Lay off the grass already!

Bilbo: Whew. Sorry, sorry. Longbottom Leaf, you know, never quite agreed with me…

Frodo: *dances like an adorable cross between a squirrel and a tree frog*

Hobbits: *frolic*

Sam's Top Button: Undo me, please!

Sam: NO.

Frodo: Sam, go dance with Rosie!

Sam: NO.

Frodo: I wasn't asking, I was telling! Now dance, pudgy hobbit, dance!

Sam: *dances*

Bilbo: *to Hobbit children* And then Thorin died, right there in my arms, a war-torn, tired old dwarf without any limbs left. And I never forgave him for being such an asshat.

Hobbit Children: …

Merry: *jumping into frame* Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the movie.

Pippin: I hope you are comfortable. May I offer you some Raisinets?

Merry: In tonight's feature, my friend Pippin and I will be the comic relief. And very, very little else.

Pippin: Perhaps we shall also be hungry, Merry.

Merry: Oh, indubitably.

Pippin: Anyway, as you can see, we are the sort of young, rambunctious lads who shall engage in all manner of tomfoolery and higgle-squiggle. Therefore, if at any time during this movie you wish to escape from the all-encompassing, crushing feeling of despair and alarm the other characters inspire within you, turn to us. We'll usually have an unintentional witticism or two to share with you.

Merry: We might even pelt each other with vegetables if you ask nicely.

Pippin: Yes, we might.

Merry: Shall we carry on with our hijinks, Pippin?

Pippin: Indeed.

Merry and Pippin: *blow shit up*

Gandalf: Oh god, not you two again.

Hobbits: Speech, Bilbo, speech!

Bilbo: A squared plus B squared equals my level of respect and admiration for all of you! Now, if you would kindly blink very slowly in sync, I shall disappear!

Hobbits: OMG NOT COOL!

Gandalf: …I am going to murder that idiot.

BAG END

Bilbo: I am so cool.

Gandalf: You are so dumb.

Bilbo: I am so crazy, and this Ring is so mine.

Gandalf: Okay, intervention time. Bilbo, leave the Ring behind. No, really. NO, REALLY.

Bilbo: Fine. Jeez. Anyway, say bye to Frodo for me, I'm sure he won't want any sort of explanation or comfort or anything.

Gandalf: Jolly good. See you later, old chap.

Bilbo: *tramps off singing*

Gandalf: There goes the most beloved moron to grace the land of Middle Earth.

Frodo: Bilbo is gone…I'm alone...Gandalf, hold me?

Gandalf: No, I have to run to Minas Tirith to do some research. Sam might hold you though, if you ask.

Sam: MmmHM.

THE GREAT CITY OF MINAS TIRITH, WHICH IS ONLY SHOWN IN A CGI SUNSET SHOT BECAUSE THE REAL THING WILL BE SO MUCH COOLER IN THE LAST MOVIE

Gandalf: You know what I need right now? A search engine, where I could input key words such as "Isildur" "Ring of Power" and "identifying characteristics", and then cross-reference them with the filed archives to find relevant material! What a superb idea!

Harry Potter: Bitch, at least your excuse for not using Google is that you're in an alternate medieval universe. I had to wear my fingerprints off in the library with Hermione breathing down my neck, all because my author disavowed all such paltry "Muggle contraptions."

J.: SHUT.

Gandalf: Ahem. Moving on.

BARAD-DUR

Gollum: Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god…yes, that's it, burn me right there…yes…yes…yes…OH GOD, YES! YES! SHIRE! BAGGINS! YEEEEEES!

Ringwraiths: o_0

Sauron: Go. Just go.

Ringwraiths: *run for the hills to get away from nasty kinky frog-creature*

GREEN DRAGON

Merry and Pippin: We're just so much fun, aren't we? You love us to death, don't you?

Audience: The thing is…yes. We really, really do. We can't tell you apart or remember your names, but we love you.

Merry and Pippin: We'll take what we can get.

Older Hobbits: DON'T TALK TO PEOPLE WHO AREN'T US. THEY ARE BAD.

Frodo: Um…okay…g'night…

BAG END

Gandalf: *grabs Frodo in a terrifying horror-movie shot, because even though Peter Jackson is a big, major-motion picture director now, he still can't resist the cheap thrills*

Frodo: GAAAAH! Where the hell did you come from!

Gandalf: Long story…had a little tussle with some angry guys wearing masks…Death Munchers or something, no idea what they were on about…told them I didn't find any prophecy in Minas Tirith, but would they listen, nooooo…anyway, Frodo, GIMME THE RING.

Frodo: If it will calm your crazy, fine.

Gandalf: *chucks Ring into the fire*

Frodo: Um…if I can ask a teensy question, what are you—

Gandalf: Here, take the Ring. Can you see anything on it?

Frodo: No. Nothing.

Gandalf: Oh, thank GOD.

Frodo: Wait! Weird holographic evil writing! What does it mean?

Gandalf: It means, my dear little hobbit, that we are thoroughly screwed.

KITCHEN OF EXPOSITION

Gandalf: Yeah, so waaaaay before you were born, when I was a strapping young wizard only a few centuries old, this dude Sauron got really mad and started smushing everyone. Eventually Sauron was himself smushed, but before he died, he split his soul by killing Elendil, King of Gondor, and stored a piece of it in this here Ring. Sauron cannot die as long as this Ring, the One Ring of Power, endures.

Frodo: So basically, the Ring is a Horcrux?

Gandalf: Well, technically…you see…it's not really quite the same if you think about…there's a fundamental difference in the…but…it…yes.

Frodo: And we can all agree that Harry Potter was written decades after Lord of the Rings, and therefore without pointing any fingers we can subtly imply that—

Gandalf: Frodo? Let's tone down the Harry Potter references, okay? Our lives are going to be hard enough in the near future without being sued for copyright infringement.

Frodo: *sigh* Fine.

Gandalf: Anyway, if Sauron gets the Ring, life will suck. Not that life won't suck if he doesn't get it, because even when he doesn't have a body but is forced to exist as Blinky McWreathedInFlamePants, he can still summon tremendous armies and basically take over the world with swift and cruel efficiency. Having the Ring will…um…make him more cheerful. And possibly give him his manly physique back. But yeah, he can still stomp on everything good and green and then feed it to his giant pet devil-spider when he doesn't have the Ring.

Frodo: Whew. Okay. Now, as bad as this all seems to be, I'm sure at least the problem of the Ring can be solved. Let's just…I dunno…hide it in the couch cushions or something.

Gandalf: Um…yeah…about that…

Frodo: Oh no, man. No way.

Gandalf: Gollum told.

Frodo: Well impale me on a stick and call me hobbit shish-kebab. That is really, really bad.

Gandalf: Indeed.

Frodo: Wait, can't you take it? You're wise and powerful and above average height! You could totally take it and save the world!

Gandalf: NOOOOOOO! IT SHALL MAKE ME CRAZY!

Frodo: …make you crazy?

Gandalf: Good point. Now, Frodo, this is what you have to do. Tuck the Ring into your pocket, wrap up a baguette or two, and skedaddle out to Bree. If you make it there alive, I'll meet you and possibly maybe somewhat tell you everything isn't going to hell. No promises, though.

Frodo: I'm so glad I have you here to not really sort of a little vaguely comfort me in these troubling times, Gandalf.

Gandalf: Yes, well. I've always loved you like a son, Frodo. A short, hairy, somewhat dim son—WHAT IS THAT NOISE?

Frodo: *hits the deck*

Gandalf: *windowsillSMASH*

Sam: GUH!

Gandalf: Talk fast if you don't wanna become a soufflé, Gamgee.

Sam: Well—um—Frodo—Ring of Power—Frodo—save the world—Frodo—I don't wanna die!

Gandalf: Hmm…well, tell you what, Samwise. I won't turn you into a pastry. Instead, I'll send you with Frodo on his difficult, danger-ridden quest.

Sam: Yay!

Frodo: Um…yay?

THE PLACE WHERE GANDALF ABANDONS OUT HOBBITY FRIENDS

Gandalf: Bye.

LOTS OF GORGEOUS NEW ZEALAND SCENERY

Frodo: *walking*

Sam: *eating and walking*

CORN

Sam: OMG MR. FRODO DON'T DO THAT!

Frodo: Don't do what?

Sam: Don't leave my sight for a second! I was afraid something would happen when I wasn't around to protect you!

Frodo: Um, Sam, listen, I think we should draw out some boundaries for this relationship here and now. I mean, you seem to be getting a bit Cullen-like—

Sam: Cullen what now?

Frodo: Well, you see—

Merry and Pippin: *check Frodo and Sam like crazed hockey players*

Pippin: Oh, lookeh here, Merreh! It's Frrrodo Bahggins! Whoot a luvely soorprise!

Audience: Billy Boyd's accent, RAVISH ME.

Sam: OFF. MR. FRODO. NOW.

Frodo: Merry, why are you and Pippin running away with a supermarket produce section?

Merry: Funny story—

Farmer Maggot: DAMN KIDS! GET BACK HERE!

Pippin: Now would be the time to RUN.

Hobbits: *thrash their way through the corn*

Ledge: Hell-oooo.

Sam: *WHAM!*

Hobbits: *ashes, ashes, they all fall down*

Frodo: Well, this trip is just going swimmingly so far.

Sam: Brandybucks and Tooks…me mam always warned me about you lot…

Merry: You know what, Gamgee? Put a sock in it.

Pippin: Forget about socks, look there, MUSHROOMS!

Hobbits: *set upon the mushrooms like a swarm of locusts*

Frodo: Oh god, the trees are getting all bendy and weird again. We should hide.

Hobbits: *hide*

Ringwraith: *is terrifying*

People Who Have Read The Books: Okay, they're not really what Tolkien wrote, but damn are they creepy. My god, Peter Jackson, you get points for those motherf-uckers.

Frodo: *seizes*

Sam: Snap out of it, Mr. Frodo!

Merry: *hurls the mushrooms away*

Pippin: *fights urge to run after the mushrooms*

Ringwraith: *does not fight urge to run after the mushrooms*

Frodo: Hey, I have an idea, let's run like hell.