I apologize if this is strange and confusing. I wrote this based on a personal situation as a way to deal
You let him go.
The words are running around and around in my mind, like a vicious never ending cycle
You. Let. Him. Go
And so I did. I did let him go. I Forced him away from me. At the time I told myself it was to save him, to save his sanity. I thought I was trying to protect him, but now I'm not sure that was my only intent. I was running away. I've never been good at commitment, starting something and never finishing, and I'm selfish by nature, possessive. I play to win and love, to me, is another game. But I never intended for it to be that way! I wanted to love him with all of my heart. But there are different kind of loves. The love one has for a darling pet, love for friends, love for family, love for a soul mate. And unconditional love for that person that you try so hard for, but it just gets stuck and can't go anywhere anymore. Oh god I loved him, and I reminded myself every day just how lucky I was to have him. How perfect we were for each other, how happy he made me. Everyone told us that we were so cute together; they thought we would wind up married. He believed in forever and I thought he was the one. He made me feel like a sunset was bursting inside of my heart, and spreading throughout my entire body. But perfection… perfection can be boring. And I get bored so easily.
It was like a fairy tale at the beginning. Once upon a time, a boy and a girl were best friends. He'd liked her for a while, and then one day she realized that she liked him too. Over time it grew into love, it was beautiful, birds sang, and everyone lived happily ever after. Here's the twist: the story is real, I'm the girl and he's the guy. And oh how I wished it had stayed that way! Even now, part of me wishes it had never changed.
I knew him like the back of my hand, and even now, after all that has happened, I still know him. And he still knows me. But I always knew him better, I knew his fears, his likes and dislikes. I knew secrets, hopes, and dreams. I could predict his reactions and his thoughts and words. But knowing someone to such an extent can take the challenge out of life. As sweet as our routine was, the fire was winding down into warm coals. I wanted the spark back; I wanted every day to bring something new. And he was gone, he'd left me. He was so damn far away. It was growing hard to remember we were really together, and that it wasn't just a nice recurring dream. Every new day that began was another day we were apart, and it was driving me crazy. I need physical comfort, is that so wrong? I hated myself for looking at other guys, but I couldn't stop. I swear though, I never cheated on him. I would never cheat on him.
It wasn't an easy choice, letting him go. I spent many hours lying awake at night wondering what to do. So many torturous hours, weighing my choices. Stay together and hope things improve? Break his heart and hope that one day he will understand and forgive me? Let him go, because in the end, I'm no good? Keep the boy who has been so good to me? I decided it wasn't fair in the end, to have continuous doubts about our relationship; it wasn't fair to either. I know people think that I led him on, that I never really loved him. It isn't true. Maybe towards the end I led him on, but I wasn't trying to be a bitch! I just didn't know what to do, am I be allowed to be confused too? No… instead a sweet guy cries, and I get all of the blame. All of the hate and the spite. And I know I deserve it. I knew my friends would be upset, and I knew that the kids at school would probably take his side, but I never saw my own family turning away from me too. But they don't care what I'm feeling when he's upset. Because in the end, I'm fine. I'm always fine. And they know that.
He's happy now, and I'm going to let him be happy with her. I never deserved a guy like him. Even though every time I see them together, or hear about them together, it's as if a dagger is being shoved through my stomach and then again through my heart. As if all the oxygen has left my body and I'm drowning. No matter how much I want to scream and scream until I lose my voice, I'm going to smile and force the feelings to stay hidden. Because he is happy. She is happy. Everyone in the world is happy again and in the end, that is all I care about (despite my selfish ways), is everyone's happiness.
Please believe me when I say I really and truly loved him, and I really really Really wanted things to work out. And believe me when I say I had mainly good intentions for letting him go. Because everything has worked out for everyone. And he is smiling again.
I let him go.