The Starboard Observation Deck was Shepard's favorite place on the Normandy. It was quiet, no one really used it, and usually ended up being the last place people seemed to look for her. She sat there for hours on the floor when she was meant to be sleeping and watched the galaxy float on by through the observation window without having to think about all the responsibilities she had resting on her slender shoulders. She looked forward to those times, moments of an artificial and momentary serenity, and had been ending up in this exact position more and more frequently.

It wasn't that she didn't enjoy doing what she did, because she knew deep down that if she did anything else it wouldn't feel right, it was more that she needed to breathe freely every now and then. When she was outside of this room everyone was watching her. Everyone hung on her every word like it was some kind of new gospel. Did they know that she was just running on gut feeling most of the time? She wanted to tell them that there are no manuals for running missions like these and that she constantly second guessed herself but maybe they already knew that. Shepard wished that she wasn't such a paragon to these people, that she could really just lay into them and wipe the floor with people who got in her way.

It would be easier, she thought, they'd fear me instead of admire me. But would it really be better?

Shepard sighed, looking at the slew of data pads resting around her. A few more dossiers that the Illusive Man has sent her way: The Justicar, The Veteran, The Master Thief, The Assassin, Tali. She was beyond thrilled to see her friend's name on the list and had to hold back her ear to ear grin when she'd read the dossier at her private terminal in the CIC. Even if she was excited she still wanted these people to remember that she was their Commander or as Joker put it, the 'numero uno vanquisher of the Galaxy's evil'. For their and her own sake she'd waited until she'd made it to her quarters to jump and whoop happily. She'd shot off messages to the essential members of the crew that would be just as excited as her: Joker, Chakwas, and Garrus. Writing Garrus' message had taken a bit longer than the others and Shepard hadn't been too surprised when he hadn't responded.

Where to begin with what was going on between herself and Garrus Vakarian, codename Archangel? Ever since they'd stopped at the Citadel to go after Sidonis, ever since she'd stood in the way of Garrus' shot to let Sidonis live, her Turian crewmate had been uncharacteristically distant. Part of her understood. Shepard had robbed Garrus of something he'd been thinking about, planning, ever since he had lost his crew. But she'd also saved him from long nights of regret and wondering if killing Sidonis had actually solved anything. Grey area. They were standing in a grey area that was making her increasingly frustrated.

There had been a distance between them ever since he'd come aboard after Omega and that had been months ago. Shepard knew that two years apart from someone, especially when one person was under the distinct impression that the other was dead, would create some space. She had hoped though, with time, they'd fall back into their normal banter and talks. The banter had been almost immediate and just as hilarious especially if Shepard took Garrus along for missions but the talks were almost non-existent. Outside of the formalities of catching up and learning about Sidonis while she practically pinned him into conversation, Garrus had only spoken to her when it had been absolutely necessary. This had hurt her in more ways than she imagined possible.

He was her best friend. He knew things about her that no one else did, things that she hadn't told anyone. Akuze, the nightmares, her moments of uncertainty. They had spent many an hour back on the SR-1 sitting in the Mess or outside of the Mako talking about everything and nothing. How many times had they debated about his calibrations on the Mako? How many times had he chastised her for giving him too much to repair on the vehicle after missions? He was the last person she would visit on her rounds just in case they'd get into one of their characteristically long talks or debates. Shepard missed talking with him. This wedge that her death and time had created between them made her heart ache.

Garrus was… Garrus was someone that Shepard had come to deeply care about. Perhaps care about outside of the realm of friendship. Could she have feelings for one of her crewmates? Could she have feelings for Garrus? A Turian? She felt her stomach drop at the sudden realization. She could. She did. It was hitting her now with shocking clarity, the feelings washing over her in a slow wave. Shepard cared that Garrus wasn't talking to her, she cared that he seemed to be avoiding her at all costs. Not because she was his Commander but because she genuinely was upset at what was happening to them.

Shepard took in a sharp breath and rested her elbows on her knees, face in her hands. She had been so blind. It didn't matter to her that he was her crewmate. It should have but it truly didn't. He being a Turian and herself a Human made little to no difference to her. She liked Garrus for who he was; the cockiness, the confidence, the steadfast loyalty. His voice. Shepard had vowed that she would never let him know what his flanging voice did to her. The way he filled out a suit of armor. The countless times he'd helped her dress an injury after missions with the most delicate and careful touches she could remember. How he held her like she was made of stained glass while wrapping bandages around her arm but at the same time nearly ripped it out of socket trying to pull her out of the line of fire.

What was she going to do? There was no way that he would ever return these child-like feelings of adoration, this foolish crush. Garrus was a professional despite his devil may care attitude. And even if he'd denied it Shepard had seen him eyeing a few female Turians with acute interest, even a few Asari, when they had been on Illium and the Citadel. Never once had he indicated any attraction to human women, even the ones that Shepard had been secretly jealous of for their beauty. It was almost taboo. The feelings between the Human race and the Turian race were still strained even thirty years after the First Contact War. Just now were friendships beginning to form between members of the two groups. Garrus couldn't have any feelings for her. This was going to be something that she would have to deal with on her own.

She was just about to get up to pace, to think things through more, when the door whooshed open behind her. "Shepard what are you- I'm sorry. I'll leave you be." Garrus sounded surprised.

"Wait!" She twisted to her left and looked over her shoulder to see him lingering in the doorway, a data pad of his own in his hands. "You don't have to leave on account of me. There's plenty of space in here for two people."

He seemed to consider this and his mandibles fluttered slightly, the left only less than the other.. Garrus looked at her, blue eyes as bright as ever, and nodded slowly. She watched him move to one of the benches to her right and she relaxed before returning to her original position. At least they were in the same room. This was the most they had talked in days.

After a few minutes of tense silence Garrus broke first. "Commander shouldn't you be asleep by now?"

So she was back to being called Commander now. "I hadn't noticed it was late," she lied. "What time do you have?"

"Almost 0400 Citadel Standard."

"Shouldn't you be sleeping Officer Vakarian?" She kept her tone light and reached for the still hot cup of coffee in front of her, taking a small sip of the murky liquid. "Calibrating keeping you up all night? Don't tell me those new guns are giving you trouble."

There was a quick ringing laugh that made her shiver, the flanging of his sub harmonics doing her in. "Something like that. Came to clear my head. Apparently you had the same idea."

Shepard hummed in agreement and scrolled through The Master Thief's dossier with mock interest. Talking about anything again with Garrus was making her feel loads better than she had moments before. There was just some kind of ease with which they spoke to one another, a natural rhythm that had emerged from nowhere three years ago. Her mind was beginning to settle and her plan for the dossiers was beginning to form. She was still nervous to have him in the same room as her after her sudden revelation but the closeness was too enjoyable to turn away from.

"More dossiers? The Illusive Man trying to supply you with a small army?"

She put the coffee down and turned her whole body to face him but remained sitting on the floor. "Something like that. Don't worry, I won't let them outshine you."

"Like they ever could," Garrus rolled his eyes. "This mission would be a complete and total failure if I wasn't around, you know. Commander, you can't even walk onto the Citadel without someone trying to shoot at you. Face it, you need me."

Shepard shook her head and chuckled. "Two years and you still haven't learned humility. Guess I'll have to learn to live with the idea of Shepard and Vakarian being a package deal."

He seemed to shift away after she said that. Shepard could have kicked herself and her big mouth. "Commander I wanted to-"

"So have we decided when we're going to start having real conversations again?" She blurted out the first thing that came to mind and once again wanted to kick herself. "Sorry. You first."

"I uh- I forgot what I was going to say," Garrus set down his data pad and turned his full attention to her, "What do you mean?"

"No Garrus, it's okay. I just… what were you going to say?"

Garrus was looking straight at her, fully focused. He seemed to be looking for something in her face. What it was Shepard had no clue. Neither of them said anything for a minute. She began to feel her cheeks heat up and betray her composure. Normally this wouldn't have really phased her but Garrus looked like he wanted to pry all the secrets he could out of her just by looking. If he had interrogated her back when he was in C-Sec he would have gotten answers from her in moments. Thank the Spirits that he hadn't been around when she was back on Earth.

Over the time they had been working together Shepard had gotten increasingly good at reading Turian expressions. It also helped that she could watch instructional vid after instructional vid in the privacy of the Loft. But knowing what Garrus was thinking or feeling just by looking at his face was more difficult than it sounded. The man was a master at a poker face. Maybe that's why Garrus was always winning whenever he played Skyllian Five with Joker and Donnelly.

Now she tried to read his face, his mandibles and the small plates around his eyes. There was what she thought to recognize as contemplation and wariness but Garrus realized what she was doing and the stone wall came crashing down. Hell, he'd even helped her learn after she'd grudgingly asked weeks after their meeting. He knew her tricks. Shepard only hoped that Garrus couldn't read her own face so easily since she tended to wear her emotions on her sleeves while on downtime. If he could, he gave no indication.

"I just wanted you to know that I'm grateful that you stopped me from killing Sidonis. I know I didn't seem it back there."

"Garrus I understand," Shepard stood up and walked closer to him. "I stopped you from doing something that you'd had planned for so long. I'm sorry. I had no right to make that decision for you or your team."

He also stood but didn't move to meet her. "No, you don't have to apologize, Shepard. You're just doing what you've always been good at. Watching out for your team."

"By sticking my nose in everyone's business," she walked towards the viewing window and rolled her shoulders, "Good to know that trait stuck around."

"Shepard," Garrus was still standing where she'd left him, "I do mean it. Even if I didn't show it, I am glad that you stood in the line of fire."

The stars continued to zoom in and out of sight in front of her, she watched Garrus' reflection carefully. "You'd do the same for me, I trust you." More than anyone she finished silently.

His mandibles fluttered in the reflection and he looked down momentarily, hands clenching at his sides, in what looked remarkably similar to a human trying to desperately gather their thoughts. It never ceased to amaze Shepard just how similar all of the races of the galaxy could be. They all knew the feelings that came along with being alive: pain, love, happiness, anguish. They all understood and their reactions were all strangely similar. It was a small comfort that helped her keep going on the bad days.

It had been a while since either of them had said anything. Shepard felt with each passing second a sadness bloom in her chest. They had been so close before all of this and now they couldn't even hold a conversation for more than a few passing moments. She wondered if she was the source of discomfort between the two of them as she looked at her own reflection.

The basics were all still the same, minus the nose that Cerberus had "returned to its original state". Same red hair piled on top of her head in a desperate attempt to keep it out of her way. Her eyes were just as green as they had been before she'd died and the unpleasant purple semi-circles that had taken up residence beneath them remained. Hell, the freckles were even in the exact same spots over the bridge of her new but still old nose. When she went to check her lips she caught Garrus following her eyes and she blushed, stepping away from the glass, and faced her teammate.

"What did you mean 'when are we going to have real conversations again'?" He asked softly. "I thought we were always pretty good at those."

"We were," Shepard emphasized.

Garrus moved his head back in surprise and a small rumbling of discontent hugged his words. "We talk all the time, Shepard."

"No we don't. We make small talk while we're in the same room until one of us can leave without upsetting the other." She continued after he didn't call her out. "It's been like this even before we went after Sidonis and you know it, Garrus. Ever since we found you on Omega."

She put her hands on her hips, letting out a sigh she didn't know she'd been holding on to. This was an argument that she'd gone over in her head countless times when she sat in the Loft pretending to sleep and it had never ended pretty. Now, just like in the countless scenarios she had dreamed up, her stomach was filled with butterflies. But Shepard forced herself to look at Garrus in the eyes before she spoke. If this was going to happen she was going to make sure that it was constructive. She couldn't lose Garrus, especially not now.

"I know it's probably strange for you to see me after knowing I was dead for two years. That has to be something out of surreal nightmare. And I'm not going to pretend that I'm an innocent here. I've been just as standoffish. But we can't keep doing this. I don't know what else to do so we can move past this-" she made a waving gesture with her hand, unable to come up with a word that properly described her feelings "-this…"

"Rift?" Garrus offered.

"Thank you, yes, rift." Shepard walked back to him and stopped when there was only enough room between them to fit another person. He didn't back away which made her happy. "I'm the same Commander Shepard that you knew before. I haven't changed. You have to realize that, don't you? Is that what you keep looking for when you look at me?"

"It's stupid," he chuckled humorlessly, "I know you're still Commander Shepard but some days I can't believe that you're back for good. I've lost a lot, Shepard. Getting something back seems wrong somehow. Like the universe is telling a nasty joke and it's at my expense."

"I know what you mean."

And she did. She truly understood what he had meant. Not that her coming back was wrong, but the idea that the universe was actually allowing Garrus to have something that he'd thought to be gone for good. If being dead had taught her anything it was to appreciate what you got back and what came back to you.

Shepard reached up and rested a hand on his suited arm. The blue ceramic plating was cool to the touch and smooth. The blossoming sadness swelled and made her throat feel tight and she felt like she was shrinking away. If she didn't get this sentence out soon she would never be able to. It was as close as she could get to admitting how much she cared for him without saying it plainly.

"Garrus, I miss my friend."

He looked at her hand and then back to her face. This was one of the few moments she wished that Turians had a more emotive face. But she could see a hint of what he felt around his eyes. Guilt. Shepard bit at her bottom lip, unsure of where to go or what to do. Making Garrus feel guilty was the last thing she had wanted, she had only wanted him to know how much she had missed his friendship over the months. Her hand slid down to his to give it a quick squeeze before letting go. She tried to assure him in that grasp that she didn't blame him.

Abruptly, he took back her hand into his own three fingered one and held it there. It was an odd fit, she admitted, but it wasn't uncomfortable. The part of her brain that had made her realize how she felt for Garrus lit up like a Christmas tree at the contact he had initiated. What was she, some kind of love-struck school girl?

"Shepard I… I-"

For the first time in weeks Shepard truly smiled. "I know. I'm sorry, too."

Garrus' eyes widened and he let her hand go. "How do you do that?"

"Years of practice," she shrugged. Finally the weight she'd been carrying around felt a little lighter and more manageable.

Garrus shook his head. "And here I thought that I was the overconfident one on this ship. Not sure that there's room for two, Commander."

"Well I'm not going anywhere, Officer Vakarian." She sat back down on the floor and picked up Tali's data pad. "Guess that means you'll have to go. Shame, you were a good shot."

Garrus collected his forgotten data pad and joined her, pushing her coffee cup out of the way, and scoffed. "I'm the best shot in the galaxy. I'll have to stay to keep you alive. Pretty sure Cerberus would appreciate my assistance in protecting their investment."

Shepard laughed and bumped his arm with her elbow. "If they start paying you then I want a cut of the profit."

"How much do you think we could get?"

"Well I'm worth about four billion credits so let's shoot for that."

"Plus interest, of course," Garrus began entering information into the data pad. "Five percent of your net worth for each month you're still running around shouting at people?"

"Make it ten," she joked.

He let out a surprised, rolling sound and offered Shepard the data pad. She looked over the entry and guffawed. "Commander Shepard, you are going to make me a very rich Turian."

"We'll buy you a moon somewhere. Blast 'Property of Garrus Vakarian' into the side of it."

Garrus snickered at her idea. "I like the way you think."

Shepard grinned into her data pad, happy to have her friend back at her side. "Me too."