Hey there,
first of all i would like to apologize in advance for any mistakes, I wrote this in one night and my eyes betray me sometimes when I spend hours in front of a computer screen so please be kind.
I don't anything.
This is rated M for future chapters.
The search for the infamous author proved to be futile. Wherever he was; it was obvious that he didn't want to be disturbed. Months of frustration and long hours of reading, analyzing and searching got them nowhere. Every time Emma or Regina got close to finding a clue, the evidence would slip right through their fingers like it was never there. Emma worried constantly that she might not be able to fulfill her promise to Regina. They went through the endless stack of books they found at the mysterious house that appeared out of nowhere. Most of them were blank, but the few others that weren't blank only served to fuel their frustration. Emma had been elated when she had discovered the first book that was obviously full of stories and pictures. She had rushed to show Regina but as they both flipped through its pages they watched the words disappear faster than they could read. The pictures dissolved right before their eyes and the pages turned white. At first Regina thought it was some sort of cloaking spell. She tried to trace if there was any magical residue left on its bare pages so she could reverse the spell, but she found nothing. It was an ordinary book just like the rest of them, with no detectable magical properties. They refused to give up and took it as a sign that they were getting closer but as the umpteenth book turned blank before their eyes they began to understand that this was so much harder than what they bargained for. They tried everything, they tried to be prepared but still the words upon the pages vanished every time. Henry had given up by the second month; however Emma grew more and more obsessed.
By the sixth month Emma started realizing that her determination to help the former evil queen was motivated by something deeper than guilt or a desire to honor her promises. This mission had become her only concern and Regina was a vital part of her day. They spent long hours together every day and only departed around midnight when their eyelids got too heavy from all the reading they've been doing. Emma would sometimes drive a sleeping Regina home and carry her up to her bedroom. Other times it was Regina that would teleport the blonde back to her bed in her parents' apartment. There was no mistaking the growth in their relationship. Everyone could see it, and they seemed delighted with the idea of the savior and the evil queen being close friends, it was ironic, unexpected and hilarious at times. Everyone was supportive except for killian jones. He and Emma kept drifting further apart. He always managed to find a way to say the wrong thing and mess things up and his latest mistake almost cost him his life. He was sick of being the last one on Emma's list of priorities. His frustration might have been valid had he not misplaced the blame for everything that was wrong with their relationship and fixated on Emma's friendship with Regina. The more time Emma spent with the brunette the less rational killian got. He traced the root of his problems back to the beginning of the search and decided to do something about it.
This decision later proved to be the final nail in the coffin of his and Emma's relationship.
...
"Regina calm down." The blonde yelled terrified. The scene in front of her wasn't what she expected.
The brunette was unresponsive, the vein in her forehead was throbbing visibly, her neck and back were stiff, her eyes were furious and her fist was shaking at her side while her other hand was choking killian from a distance. Light bulbs, glass windows, and mirrors were loudly popping in a room that was usually so neat and calm. Little trinkets were floating in the air that was foggy with black smoke.
Emma got a call earlier from a hiker that smoke was coming out from the mansion up the hill. She was already in the car with Henry and Regina on their way from Grannies at the time and decided there might not be enough time to drop their son off at home and then check the mansion, so they instructed Henry to stay in the car. When they got inside they found killian tossing the last book into the fire in the middle of the room. All the books were gone; any chance of finding anything that would lead to the author was burning right before their eyes in the middle of the room and killian was standing with a smug look on his face. Emma immediately paled at the realization and a strong sinking feeling of dread took over her as she remained fixed to the spot. Regina on the other hand, had screamed in anguish as she tried fruitlessly to salvage any of the books but she soon realized that it was too late. "It's all gone." Emma hadn't ever heard the brunette sound so broken, and she had never seen anyone's eyes switch from helpless to murderous that fast. "You did this!" the queen screamed turning her attention to killian who looked slightly fazed by her rage. Things progressed quickly after that and Emma felt completely out of her depth. She had no idea how to approach this terrifying version of Regina.
Killian was on his knees wheezing and fighting for breath as the brunette towered over him with a satisfied hysterical look on her face.
"Regina stop! You're going to kill him."
"Mom…" the boy wasn't prepared for what he saw.
"d..don't you see … she's a monster." He barely whispered looking behind the queen at Emma and Henry.
Regina seemed to sober up when she heard her son's shaky voice and loosened her grip.
A monster, that's what killian called her. He was the one that literally burned her chance at happiness and she was the monster.
The dark haired man mumbled many things as he ran outside but the only word that made its way to her ears was "monster".
"Monster"
Regina's heart almost forgot what it felt like to have people run away from her repulsed and terror-stricken. Her heart suddenly ached in remembrance of the familiar. Back at the beginning, right when darkness first started to take root in her resilient heart, when people got to witness the birth of her evil persona it felt like a sharp stab. She remembered those moments too well. The first time it happened it surprised her, but the next couple of times killed the tiny flickers of hope that her people will ever see her as anything but an insane tyrant, let alone love her. She saw it in their eyes; they dehumanized her and made her into this savage irrational menace that simply terrorized the innocent for her own amusement. They never saw the person, just the possibility of more inflicted pain so naturally they all ran or bellowed angry remarks. People chose to forget that there was a woman underneath all the flagrant madness of the evil queen. A woman that was once an innocent young girl with simple dreams, a woman shaped by love and loss, a woman with secret hopes and desires, and most importantly a woman that had a blinding hunger for acceptance. Deep beneath her stoic composure Regina craved to be accepted. The child that constantly sought approval and affection from an incapable heartless mother never grew up.
She tried to look away from the fear she saw in everyone's eyes. She wanted to walk away and retreat to a much safer sanctuary, but found herself unable to move. She searched their eyes, but all she saw reflected in their eyes was the monster they deemed her to be. After all, Regina's worst vice is how she allows opinions to define her. She gets her sense of self identification from the outside, which is something her mother cursed her with. She was named evil long before she fully transitioned. She surrendered and gave the public what they wanted to see. If an evil queen was all they saw, then an evil queen she shall become. And Regina had never done anything half way.
She looked around and saw that Henry was looking at her with an expression she couldn't name. She speculated that it looked a lot like disappointment and maybe pity, like he had allowed himself to forget who his mother truly was only to be reminded of it again.
She couldn't look into his eyes any longer it was too heart wrenching. Henry wasn't supposed to witness her very public turmoil. They were all staring at her with various expressions of pity and fear, gathered around her waiting for her to breakdown.
Her eyes shifted rapidly between the expressive eyes of her onlookers to lock into the wide and magnificent green of Emma's. Throughout their developing friendship Regina found herself instinctively seeking comfort in Emma's eyes more frequently than she'd like. She was severely and irrecoverably addicted to the understanding she often found in the blonde's eyes. However this time what she saw was entirely different and surprisingly even more heart wrenching than everything she had to endure that evening.
Emma's eyes shifted between guilt and fear. Regina could understand why Emma looked guilty; killian was her boyfriend after all. But what she couldn't understand was the fear.
Was Emma afraid of her too?
Emma was never afraid of her before. Never. No matter how many times she'd threatened her; she never cowered away from a challenge. But then again Emma had never seen the great and terrible evil queen in action before today.
Emma's fear felt like betrayal.
Emma feared that maybe Regina would spiral back to her evil persona. Regina saw it in her eyes she was waiting for her to snap. No she was expecting her to snap. And that hurt Regina in the worst way imaginable.
Did Emma think she was a monster as well?
Was she really a monster? She was going to kill a man just now.
Somehow that moniker hit a bare nerve. "Monster".
She had heard people call her cruel, evil, crazy and maybe even a villain undeserving of happiness. She was called many horrible things along the years, yet hearing the word "monster" froze her to the spot. Something about that word bothered her more than any other moniker attached to her name. Maybe it's because that was what she used to call her mother, or maybe it's because a monster is not a lexical feature that could ever be linked to the word human. A person can make mistakes, can be cruel and evil but if she was truly a monster it meant she can never be loved for who could ever love a monster. It also meant that she was incapable of love.
And that just wasn't true.
Her heart was overflowing with it, and she thought her small family finally saw that. She thought that after everything that happened with Henry, after offering her life as a sacrifice for his, he finally believed that she wasn't the heartless monster everyone was determined to see.
She had thought at least Emma knew that.
Apparently not. If the timid way Emma was trying to approach her was anything to go by.
Didn't she know that she would never hurt her? Why was she approaching her as if she was the most dangerous predator?
"Regina please" The blonde pleaded softly as she was slowly reaching out to calm her but Regina flinched away from the contact. She couldn't handle the fear she sensed in the blonde's voice, so she took a few steps back turned around and disappeared in a puff of purple smoke leaving everyone behind startled and confused.
…
A few hours later
Emma truly understood that she should give Regina her space, but her experience with the closed off guarded queen told her that the more space she gives Regina the more she'll pull away, the larger the gap between them will grow. The realization baffled her. They had come so far, and she would never forgive herself if she didn't do everything in her power to fix the mess she had unintentionally made. Regina looked so betrayed and hurt and it absolutely broke the blonde's heart. She needed to fix it. She didn't want any misunderstanding to create further unwanted distance between them.
Regina had looked her in the eye and somehow Emma felt incredibly distressed. She saw that Regina was struggling to keep her emotions under control because her magic was all over the place. And the worst part was when Regina detected her fear and that seemed to worsen her trembling hands and stiff shoulders. She needed to explain the reason behind her fear to Regina, she needed to tell her that she wasn't really afraid of her. Yes she did panic a little but that was partially because of all the glass shards flying around. She wasn't afraid of her; she was afraid for her. She knew what it was like when magic was out of control. She feared that she would get hurt in the process or if Henry got injured somehow. She knew firsthand how unbearable it is to know that you caused your child's pain even if it was unintentional. She knew that the brunette would never forgive herself. She saw her trying to turn off the chaotic emotions that had reached the surface. She was afraid to lose her. Regina was her only true friend; she was the only person she had truly connected with. Apparently desperate souls found solace within each other. Emma saw the trust they had built throughout the past couple of months crumble and shatter as a single tear escaped sorrowful brown eyes. And she loathed herself for having triggered it.
Emma suddenly found herself standing right outside the former mayor's door without having made a conscious decision to go there, her feet took her there and her shaky hand rang the doorbell of their own accord.
No one answered. She didn't expect her to answer anyway, but still she tried a couple more times before she knew for sure that Regina wasn't going to welcome any visitors. It was well past midnight and the brunette probably retired to her bed for the evening. Still Emma had this nagging tingle in her heart that insisted upon seeing Regina to make sure she was okay. The thought of the brunette in pain because of something she did spurred Emma to break in through the back door. She told herself she just wanted to check in on her and leave.
The house was too quiet and dark. The silence was disturbing; it showed no indication of being inhabited, and that sent a shiver down Emma's spine. She carefully tiptoed around the house looking for her distraught friend in hopes of offering her solace and or at least company, but most importantly an apology.
She entered the study and saw the first sign that someone inhabited this huge spiritless house. She saw an almost empty bottle of whiskey knocked over and dripping on the floor in front of the cold fireplace. She saw the desk wiped bare of any items, the papers scattered all around. The mirror in the corner clearly cracked and shards of glass littered the eggshell carpet. Regina Mills had an affinity for destruction; it was something Emma had picked up on a while ago. Every time a new scar grazed her heart she took it out on the fragile glass of her furniture; she loved to watch things shatter and break, it made her feel more in control whenever her mind was too hectic, and Emma had helped her clean up the mess on several occasion. The blonde reached for the half-empty glass on the coffee table smeared with Regina's red lipstick and took a long calming breath trying to push away the images of the state the brunette was in when she destroyed her study. Emma took a quick gulp of the remaining amber liquid and tossed the glass aside as she noticed the few droplets of blood near the shattered glass. Her heart sank in her chest and she rushed upstairs. If she was being rational she would have realized that the amount of blood was too small for it to be a serious injury, but she wasn't. She saw blood and immediately assumed that her fears had come true and Regina ended up injuring herself.
Emma quickly took three steps at a time but immediately paused when she reached the dark hallway. The blonde could hear subtle movement from the other side of the queen's bedroom door. Regina was definitely awake, and she had no idea how she was going to face her. Emma cursed her feet for taking her this far only to freeze now. She closed her eyes and took a couple more calming breaths knowing she would need to look composed enough to handle whatever Regina would throw her way, but after her third breath she heard a faint whimper and made an instinctive decision to go in.
At the back of her head Emma knew that Regina was not expecting company and that she should have knocked or announced herself long before rushing to her side and scaring her, but what she saw as she opened the door prevented her from using her cognitive skills. Regina was dead quiet sitting on the floor her back against the side of the bed ,her head resting on the knee raised to her chest while her hand frantically held a couple of bloodied tissues to the cut on her left foot. She looked terribly exhausted and if it wasn't for her trembling hands one would say she was asleep. Emma's first mistake was reaching for the trembling hand without any warning, but her second mistake was how her eyes flickered in fear. Regina felt a hand touch her cold skin and the quiet and serene state she had been trying all night to reach erupted into a chaotic hurricane of floating little objects from the bedroom, a wildly beating heart, wired nerves and a scratchy screams while she violently tried to push the unknown intruder away. Her mind was hazy and her movement slow and uncoordinated from all the alcohol she had consumed, but still she fought vigorously against the person that grabbed both her arms until a familiar voice made its way through her foggy brain. "Regina, calm down please it's just me Emma."
"Emma?" the brunette stopped fighting and looked intently at Emma's eyes as if seeing her for the first time. Her heart was thudding roughly against her chest, her breathing unnaturally heavy and her head rapidly spinning, but as she focused on the familiar features in front of her she began to settle down a bit and everything that was floating around them fell to the ground, that is until she recognized the fear in the blonde's eyes.
"Leave. Now. Miss Swan your presence is unwanted". She spit out angrily as she looked away. Emma was taken aback by the immediate change; it looked like she was responding to her until suddenly she looked hurt again. "Regina I'm sorry! I know you don't want to hear this right now but I AM so sorry. please just don't shut me out again" the blonde pleaded as her fingers tentatively caressed Regina's cheek and turned her head so she can look at her. Emma was unprepared for the pained look in beautiful brown eyes, or the angry red tear ducts, or the mascara stained cheeks, or the trembling lip. Emma was not prepared to see Regina so vulnerable so she looked down and was reminded of the bleeding cut. "May I?" she gestured for the injured foot, and the brunette just shrugged and dropped the blood stained tissues.
"It stopped bleeding" the queen's voice was incredibly hoarse, and she looked uncomfortable accepting Emma's help. It was clear to both of them that the cut wasn't serious yet it gave them something to focus on and further delay a conversation they both wanted to avoid.
Emma reached for the discarded first aid kit and took the antibacterial ointment and a band-aid, she then helped Regina up to sit on the edge of the bed while she adjusted her own position in front of her on the floor and placed the injured foot on her lap. They made brief eye contact and they both averted their eyes quickly; the position was way too close, and too intimate. Regina's thin champagne colored nightgown was a little too short and it left Emma with an up-close view of the brunette's smooth thighs and long bare legs. The former mayor caught up on Emma's lingering gaze and awkwardly shifted and cleared her throat while trying to adjust the hem of her silk nightgown. "How did you get inside?"
Regina's voice got Emma to gather her attention back to the wound on the foot now settling in her lap and started cleaning it. "Through the back door." The blonde looked up and added sternly "you really should lock it up before you sleep" The brunette just looked uninterested and said "No one would break in, I'm a monster remember?" her tone bitter and mocking.
"You're not a monster Regina" Emma answered dismissively then looked up to make sure the brunette believed her but Regina just shrugged and turned away. She was tired, that much was obvious so Emma went on with rubbing the ointment gently on the small cut then placed a band-aid on it. "Does it hurt?" Emma asked trying to get the brunette to speak but Regina remained silent and just moved her head sideways. Slender fingertips lingered slowly tracing circles around the injury checking for smaller cuts until she felt Regina shudder at the touch when she reached her ankle. "is Henry okay?" the queen asked quietly while the blonde's fingers kept caressing her skin. "Yeah, he's just worried about you".
There was a heavy pause until Emma finally spoke again and placed her hand firmly over Regina's knee to get closer "Regina I'm sorry!" The brunette refused to meet her eyes and looked over her head trying very hard to act composed and unaffected but her trembling voice gave her away "You were afraid."
"No, no I wasn't . You have to believe me! If I had known that Killian was going to ruin everything I would have killed him myself" Emma rambled quickly and gasped as she realized what she had just said. Did she just tell Regina she would have killed for her? She hoped maybe Regina didn't catch the last part, but if the perplexed expression on the brunette's face was anything to go by then it meant she heard her. "Why would you say that?" the queen whispered disbelievingly.
"I don't know… I don't know why I just said that, but the thought that the consequences of my idiotic actions bringing you misery is unspeakably agonizing. All of this is my fault. He did this for me, I should have figured that he was an idiot" the blonde answered without breaking eye contact and Regina was left speechless and unable to look away from the remorse and most importantly the unwavering sincerity she saw in her friend's eyes. Emma wasn't at all like her mother. Regina had spent years waiting for an apology from Snow, or at least she wanted to see regret or guilt or anything but she never got it. Emma, however, was right there, her eyes glazed with unshed tears and remorse pleading for forgiveness. "I don't blame you Emma, he did this, not you " she whispered brokenly as a single tear slowly trickled down her cheek "I… wouldn't ask you to…, to be someone other than who you are. I just…" tears were falling faster and suddenly she was shaking with effort of holding back her sobs "You were afraid of me, and Henry didn't look at me… and he called me a monster… and the books are all gone and I just couldn't…" the emotional brunette said incoherently in between sobs and surprisingly Emma understood exactly what she meant. She bolted from her position on the floor gathered Regina in her arms and positioned her on her lap as they settled on the bed. The quick shift prevented Regina from fighting against it and so she buried her head in the blonde's neck and fisted her hand in red leather as the blonde rocked her back and forth her hand rubbing circles on her back. "I'm not afraid of you Regina; you are not a monster, I was only afraid you'd get hurt."
They stayed in that position for a while, Regina had stopped crying several minutes ago and Emma thought she fell asleep on her shoulder. It wasn't until Emma shifted slightly that Regina spoke "I'm tired Emma."
"I know, it's been a long day." the blonde delicately combed her fingers through silk dark locks and ran her palm up and down Regina's arm soothingly trying to comfort her only friend. The brunette moved her head slightly so she could look Emma in the eye and whispered "No, I'm tired, as in I don't have any fight left in me. I don't have anything left in me. I'm done. I've had it. I'm exhausted. " Something was extremely unsettling about that statement and Emma's blood ran cold particularly when she detected no lies in those brown eyes. She understood that look too well, and that terrified her beyond reason.
"Regina come on, don't say that. You're just having a rough day. We'll take a break from the search for a while, do something fun, maybe go to the beach since it's warmer now and just start fresh in a few days". Emma tried to smile and be optimistic for the sake of the woman in her arms but Regina saw right though it and scoffed "Just a rough day? Try a lifetime. I've been fighting against my circumstances all my life. It's been one disaster after the other, trying to find the stupid light at the end of the tunnel only to find out that the game was rigged all along. That the stupid light was just a cruel illusion that was dangled in front of me only to be taken away when I least expect it in order to break me further so I could play my fucking part in this cosmic joke. No, no more. He wins. Villains don't get happy endings. I don't want to search anymore. There's nothing left anyway".
Emma shifted their position so they were facing each other and held her tighter looking at her with those kind green eyes "I can't accept that. I'm sure there must more clues at that gigantic house. I'm not giving up, even if you are. I made you a promise and I'm not planning to break it. Ever." She gasped at the sincerity she found in the blonds eyes. No one ever cared that much about her happiness. Not even Robin. The curse on the town line was lifted months ago yet still he didn't show up. The brunette had to look away she didn't know how to react to Emma's little declaration. "I release you from that promise. You can leave and be happy with that idiot of yours, I won't come after him; I've brought enough misery into your life. I don't understand why you're still here. I haven't been very pleasant to you throughout the search. He was right I am a monster."
"Damn it Regina! I don't want to be released, and I don't want to leave! When will you get through your head, making you happy will never bring me misery." The blonde answered angrily and then continued rambling after sensing the shift in Regina's eyes. She was the only person in town who could get through to Regina.
"I mean yes, you weren't the most chipper search partner, or the most patient, or the most encouraging and you colorfully shut down most of my ideas. You yelled and broke things and stormed out. You called me an idiot more times than I could count. You were full of dark sarcasm and rage; I was walking on eggshells some days. You even tossed this huge ass book right at my face, oh and that one time you …"
"Is there a point behind all of this Miss Swan?" the brunette glared playfully daring Emma to continue.
"Oh. Yeah sorry… What I mean is, no, you weren't very pleasant sometime, but I enjoyed every minute of it. I didn't show up every day just because I needed to honor my promise to you because of the weird ass hero complex you think I have. I showed up because I wanted to be there, because I care about you, and because out of all these insane fairytale characters you are the only one who feels real. You struggle daily and I see it but I also see how beautiful your heart is and I find myself wanting to spend more time with you and this tiny little family we've created. The time we spend every afternoon, you, me and Henry, means the world to me. And I get it. I get why you were unpleasant at times. Your happiness kind of depended on that search. It's a big deal; I understand why a dead end is disheartening and overwhelming. I understand that what happened today made you lose hope again. I understand that you don't really trust people anymore, but if all those months didn't prove to you that I'm not going anywhere I don't know what will." Emma took a deep breath after she finished and Regina looked completely stunned. She knew Emma cared about her, she recognized it in the small gestures like how sometimes she would wake up wrapped in a warm blanket after dozing off on the couch, or how Emma brings her soup when she's sick, or how she picks out all of the tomatoes from her salad because she knows she hates them, or how she would take the time to order her the special Belgian chocolate she likes, or how she texts her constantly when they're apart, but up until that moment Regina thought it was strictly platonic. She never considered that Emma might feel that way about her. a couple more minutes passed and they both remained silent searching the other's eyes for any sign that might clear the confusion. "I trust you" the brunette said after taking a few breaths.
"hhuh?" Emma tilted her head confused; she was caught up in her thoughts about the woman in front of her.
"You said I didn't trust anyone. That's not completely true; I trust you" she looked at Emma with a smile that was too broken to appear playful as she had intended.
"It's been six months since ..." Regina started but was interrupted by a disappointed blonde.
"Since Robin left, I know." She was a little tired of hearing about it, she didn't really understand why though.
"No, that wasn't… I mean yes he left six months ago but he could have returned by the second month; the curse was lifted remember? You were the one who did it. I wanted to say it's been six months since you committed to helping me and I want to thank you."
"oh, don't thank me yet. Thank me when you're back with that hunky soulmate of yours" Emma coughed averting her eyes trying to be light and playful because Regina was looking at her with those beautiful brown eyes, and it was too much.
"I don't know why I believed that fate was on my side this time! It never was. Still I let myself believe that maybe this time will be different. Tinkerbelle kept telling me pixie dust never failed and I wanted it so much that I just… believed."
"Regina I'm…" the blonde said guiltily.
"Sorry? I know… I should have trusted my gut."
Emma shifted so she could look the brunette in the eye and asked confused. "what's that supposed to mean?"
The brunette looked reluctant then answered quietly "Every time we kissed… um I just…, I don't know, I mean yes it was nice to be kissed and cared for like that, and first I thought it was just because I didn't have my heart at the time, and he was my soul mate, and pixie dust was never supposed to lie, but I just always had this…, I don't know, feeling? A thought that popped up in my head every time he kissed me that somehow it wasn't right, it wasn't enough, that it was supposed to be more… Does that even make any sense?" Regina slurred drunkenly, she was never that open when she was sober.
Emma nodded awkwardly somehow the idea of Regina kissing Robin bothered her but she was content that Regina was opening up to her, and answered "Yes, it makes perfect sense, I get it trust me. Killian and I … we… well let's just say my gut also told me that it wasn't going to work out" Emma decided it would only be fair if she opened up as well so she wet her lips unconsciously and went on "He is not a bad kisser, but it doesn't stir any feelings inside me you know "
Emma was startled to see Regina's eyes staring at her lips following their every move, even as she spoke herself "Robin was an eager kisser, too much tongue action" Emma briefly wondered why they were suddenly talking about tongue action. Was Regina that drunk? A moment ago she was talking about fate and cosmic jokes, but then she saw full lips part and a pink tongue darted to wet her lower lip and Emma found herself thinking of what kind of kisser Regina was, or what kind of kisser Regina liked.
They were both quiet for a long while, their thoughts straying down dangerous paths until Regina approached tentatively her eyes darting back and forth between Emma's wide eyes to her lips, she shifted her position so she was facing the blonde who was resting her back against the headboard and brushed trembling fingers against soft blond curls putting them behind her ears. Regina's lips were less than an inch away from the Emma's their breaths mingling and their heartbeats loud, but they froze in place neither of them moved for a whole minute. Regina didn't know what compelled her to get that close to her friend or why ever since Emma barged into her bedroom the dreadful ache in her heart was distinctively dulled or why suddenly the thought of being kissed by Emma sounded so heavenly, or why Emma wasn't backing away, but suddenly the room was spinning faster than before.
"Do you want to kiss me Emma?" the brunette whispered against the beautiful pink lips and Emma's mind was running a million miles a minute. She was too stunned and frightened by the drastic change of events that she forgot how to speak. She looked intently at Regina's eye's waiting for a sign of playfulness or mockery but the hopeful vulnerability brought Emma back from the confused haze and she simply closed her eyes and pressed her lips ever so gently against warm red lips. The tiny hum Regina released was what broke Emma's resolve. That divine little sound softened the blonde's stiff muscles and she was filled with this wonderful sense of serenity and comfort. This was heaven. Regina's lips were soft opening sensually against hers, unrushed and intoxicating. She cradled Regina's neck as her thumbs slowly stroked flushed cheeks. It felt so natural, as if they've been doing this for years and at the same time it filled their hearts with an unfamiliar rush. Emma's fingers drew tender circles on the back of the brunette's neck causing an audible hitch in her breath which seemed to wake her out of her daze.
She put more distance between them, her eyes widening a little as her fingers traced her lower lip. She was clearly stunned by how different this kiss felt and more importantly by the fact that Emma had kissed her back. Did the thought of Emma's mouth against her own ever cross her mind? Yes sure. But did she ever in a million years consider being in a position where it would be possible? No. She must be really drunk. The most confusing part of it all was how Emma responded to her and how she was looking at her right now. She wasn't panicking or rushing to leave or asking questions; she was giving her the most comforting and understanding smile the brunette had ever seen. Emma always had this genuine kind smile but this time it was so much more; her eyes said so many things without a word. Regina could hear her heart thudding in her ears and the sound of her breathing was immensely distracting but the inviting spark in Emma's magnificent emerald eyes gave her enough courage to close her eyes and dive back in to the best kiss of her existence. It burned, her lips were on fire, her whole body was aflame but nothing ever tasted sweeter. As uncharted emotions bubbled up inside Regina a single tear descended smoothly from her eye. Perfection always overwhelmed the older woman. Emma gently nipped the teardrop that rested on the scarred upper lip then entrapped her bottom lip between hers. She traced her hand down from the back of her neck to her shoulder blades, while her other hand caressed silk brown hair. Regina pulled her body closer to the blonde's deepening the kiss and feeling her tremble as she gripped her hip. She slowly parted her lips further to allow her tongue entry. Emma was a phenomenal kisser; gentle yet hungry and sensual. She could forever drown in her kiss; those lips were her remedy.
Every time Regina tried to speed things up Emma did the opposite, and it was obvious that the blonde didn't plan on taking things further. "What's wrong?" the brunette panted between kisses. "Nothing I just … I don't think it's a good idea to do this while you're drunk" the blonde sounded disappointed but her face showed Regina that the decision has been made. "Oh… Fine!" the older woman back away quickly and rested her back against the head board next to Emma; on some level she knew the blonde was right but she couldn't help but feel the sting of rejection. The younger woman regretted her words as soon as she saw how she reacted; she looked hurt and embarrassed as she crossed her arms to her chest.
"Regina …" the blonde started pleadingly but former queen dismissed her quickly "Really, it's fine Miss Swan. You're right I might have had too much to drink and I'm not thinking clearly. You can go now, it's late and I want to sleep." She got beneath the covers and turned her back to the confused younger woman. Regina had no idea where to go from there, that kiss was too perfect to be a stupid drunken mistake. Emma must have felt it too, but what if she misread the situation due to her intoxicated brain. She cursed her rapidly beating heart for not calming down and she tried to stay perfectly still as she felt movement next to her. She truly didn't understand why she was so disappointed that the blonde was leaving, after she rudely asked her to go.
Emma was by the bedroom door, her hand clutching the door knob but for the life of her she couldn't get her feet to move an inch away from the woman curled up at the far end of the bed. She should honor her request and give her space, which was probably the wiser choice but 'wise' wasn't really Emma's style. She was impulsive and passionate, so she decided to follow her gut. So she kicked off her shoes and tight skinny jeans quickly then took off her leather jacket staying in her tank top and boy shorts. Regina heard rustling but only reacted when a warm body crawled up under the covers and settled against her back. She shrieked and tried to move away but Emma held her around the waist and whispered in her ear. "look, I don't want to claim that I understand what's happening between us or why you snapped at me but I know you only call me Miss Swan when you're hurt or when you're trying to distance yourself from me and I can't stand either. I can't stand hurting you" The room was dead quiet so Emma went on "It's been a crazy day and we're both exhausted both emotionally and physically but I only stopped because I don't want you regretting this not because I don't want to." Regina stayed still listening to Emma ramble on; it was comforting really having Emma so close whispering against the back of her neck. "Has anyone ever told you that you're quite the kisser?" the younger woman added playfully and although she couldn't see it, she drew a tiny smile on the brunette's face.
"Now I understand if you still want me to leave, I mean I'd have to put on pants which sucks and it's cold outside and your bed is so comfortable." Then the blonde added quietly in a serious tone "Oh, and also this feels nice." Regina tried very hard to disagree but having Emma's arms wrapped around her did feel nice, incredible really. It was exactly what she needed. Sex might have felt good momentarily but for now this was better. She sighed and uttered the word so quietly "Stay". Emma might have missed it if she wasn't so close, but she did hear it and in that moment it was the single most beautiful word in the English language. Both women reveled in the comfortable silence that settled around them and for once the ticking clock didn't drive Regina insane. She was unspeakably thankful that she didn't have to sleep alone tonight. Emma's comforting embrace and the way she held her firmly and nuzzled her neck lulled her to the deepest sleep she'd had in weeks; she felt safe. Emma hadn't felt this content in years; feeling Regina's breathing even out and knowing that the usually insomniac woman drifted asleep so quickly in her arms. Pale hands tenderly caressed dark hair and shifted to look at the sleeping queen. She watched Regina sleep before when the brunette would crash on the couch while reading and it always fascinated her how cute she looked but somehow being this close made her notice how tired the older woman really was. She kissed her temple and whispered another promise to the beautiful woman in her arms before she settled back to sleep too "you're going to be okay. I've got you."
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I would love to hear your thoughts. Oh, and do you think I should continue?
thanks for reading :)