Prologue:
All these mixed emotions/
We keep Locked away like/
Stolen pearls/
Stolen pearl devotion/
We keep locked away from all /
The world/
My name is Cassie.
It's been over a year since it started, over a year since the begging, and I was sick of it. Sick of the world and all the people in it. Sick of everything. I was ready to end it; I'd been ready, for so long. It's like a disease, suicide, you think about it once and all of a sudden, it's everything. Taking over your entire being with that thought, Why not end it? And why not? No one will ever miss you, no one will even notice. I've become so alone in this, so alone. Except For Jake, I had no one. Rachel wasn't the listening type. Besides, she was drifting from me. We weren't as close as before.
I had no one.
Or so I thought. Not until later did I find out how much my friends cared. Not until everything blew apart, again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tears of Pearls
Broadway is dark tonight
A little bit weaker than you used to be
Broadway is dark tonight
See the young man sitting
In the old man's bar
Waiting for his turn to die/
4/8/00 11:39 PM
Dear Journal,
I was always a singer.
I would love to sing, to feel the music in me.
To listen to my voice blend with music in perfect harmony. The feeling was overwhelming, like flying.
I don't sing anymore. I haven't in a while.
I don't think my parents have noticed, they don't ask about it. I don't really think anyone does. I was always the secretive type, not all that open with my feelings. That was before the war I guess.
Now I'd give anything for someone to listen to me.
I supposed to be the listener, the psychiatrist, in the team.
But where does the psychiatrist go when they need help? This is really the only place where I can let go of everything.
This is it.
It's been over a year since we got the power. I was dying inside, and nobody knew it but me. Jake was breaking under the pressure; Marco was losing his sense of humor. Rachel was becoming more violent, Tobias more withdrawn and Ax more arrogant. We were slowly falling apart. The real world wasn't much better either. I was really becoming depressed and had tried to end everything a couple of times. I had never succeeded and probably wouldn't
It's my birthday today.
Yea, Happy Birthday to me.
I got presents, a beautiful necklace from Jake, but not what I really wanted, maybe I should try again tonight, and a storm is coming in,
A perfect night for sailing.
Of course, I could wait until tomorrow. Yeah, I think tomorrow would work. That way I could see Jake again. I really do love the guy, I do. I just can't be there for him anymore. I'm bringing him down. He can't lead with me there. He gets to worried. I'm going to be the end of the Animorphs, so I have to. If not for me, for them.
I just want to feel deep in my own world
but I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore
on a different day,
if I was safe in my own skin
then I wouldn't feel lost and so frightened
but this is today and I'm lost in my own skin
and I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore
I just want to feel safe in my own skin,
I just want to be happy again./
4/10/00 6:39 PM
Dear Journal,
Sorry for not writing. I got kinda tied up,
Mission last night, Hell, as usual. We planned another secret attack on the yeerks. It didn't go all that great. Everything seemed to go wrong. Of course, we were caught, and it ended up in all out warfare. We had about 50 HB one way, and Taxxons and the Visser the other. And it didn't end up all that well. IN the and we barely escaped, but not before I did it again. I killed a Hork Bajir.
I killed him in cold blood. Just killed him. No mercy, all one leap, one bite, one swipe of my paw, and he was down, lying in a pool of his own blood.
I have never felt worse.
How can you have him look right into your eyes before you do it and not feel it??
I'd like to ask Rachel that. We had to drag her away from the fight last night, She wouldn't stop, even after her claws were stained red.
Red. I hate that color. The color of hate, of blood, gore, pain. Red is that color.
I couldn't sleep last night, and Jake didn't make it any better. He came over an hour or so after we'd all gone home. It was around 3am and he woke me up by tapping on my window. I opened it and let him, he asked me to take a walk with him and, of course, I did. We walked in silence for a few minutes and then he asked me " How do you do it?" He wanted to know how I handled the war, how I wasn't falling apart. I wanted to cry, to tell him I wasn't, that I was falling apart at the seams.
I couldn't do it. I just couldn't tell him anything. He has enough burdens without me.
I just held him while he cried, stroked his hair while he poured his heart out to me. And I sang to him,
When you feel all alone
And the world has turned it's back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't
take anymore
Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone
In the end, we both cried, I'm not sure, who I cried for, him, or me ,but I have enough tears for us both. I have never felt so close to Jake before. Even when I'm in his arms, when I'm dancing with him, holding his hand, kissing him.
I have never felt so close, then when I'm crying with him.
"And we cry. These tears of Pearls"
Two months of fun
Two years of pain
Add it up
And get a life of rain/
I'm too depressed
To Go on
You'll be sorry when I'm gone…..
Today is the day. I'm letting go. This is it. I'm not going to hold on anymore.
Thank you for all you did. You couldn't control this spiral downward. You couldn't.
Dear Rachel,
You, my friend are amazing, An image of beauty and courage you have been my friend for years. And I love you. You used to be so…cool. I wanted to be you, everyone loved Rachel, smart, pretty, amazing. But you became my friend. Over anyone else, you choose me. You've changed so much. Now so hardened, so alone. Don't leave the old Rachel behind!! Don't leave the other Rachel in the dust, don't lose what made you so great. Ever. You're going to win this war. You're going to survive Rach, and I don't want you to be like me. Find yourself why you can.
Love him Rachel. He loves you so much. He would dire for you. He's a great guy Rachel, you can't afford to lose him. Just love him.
I love you,
Cassie
Marco,
Don't ever lose it. You have gift Marco, don't lose it. You can make people laugh. DO you realize how rare that is?? Do you realize that. Marco you have kept us all alive, more then you can think! Don't give it up. Don't lose Marco the goofball, the comedian.
And don't lose your head. You have the amazing ability to think. I know, we all do, but you see everything so clearer. Don't lose it. I love you like a brother Marco. So much. More then you know. Take care of Jake for me. Please.
Love,
Cassie
Tobias,
Hang on to your dreams. You are a dreamer, an amazing person. You are what poets are made of, a free spirit. And who doesn't want that? You have been through so much Tobias. Hell and Back, but you hang on. I envy you that way.
Hang on to Rachel. You love her so much, and even if she doesn't show it I'm sure, she loves you. She wants you to be human, but just do what makes you happy Tobias. It's your choice. I used to be a singer Tobias, and I lost it. You're a dreamer, don't lose that, you can't get it back. You are truly what your father wanted you to be and he would be proud. I love you bird boy. Hang on to Rachel, take care of her for me please. Forever dream.
Cassie
Ax,
Where would we be in this fight without you? You have become the great warrior your brother was and more. You have so many secrets that I don't know, so many that I wanted to. You're more then an alien Ax, you're a person, not human, but a person. You have the strongest soul of anyone I've ever met, This war hasn't broken you down yet
And that is an accomplishment.
You were always a mystery to me Ax, I never could quite understand you. I treated you like you were bullet proof. But when I saw you dying there, sick, weak, alone.
I saw something else in you.
You're a kid Ax, scared, alone, and afraid. Like us. Don't be afraid to show it. We're not that different from you, really. If you talk, they'll listen. I now know why Tobias is so close with you. Help him Ax, talk to Tobias. Help him, let him help you.
You are truly what your brother was and more. A great warrior.
I love you ax.
Cassie
Dearest Jake,
How can I write you this?
How can I leave you??
I love you Jake. I always will love you. Forever and always. For life and death. I love you. Don't forget that.
You're a leader Jake, a true leader, don't give up. I'm gone but I'm still here. Don't give up. You have the whole world on your shoulders. The pressure has got to be great. But don't give up.
Don't forget me, I beg you. I'll never forget you Jake.
I love you
I don't know what to tell you, I can't fit it into words. I Love you. That's all I can say
Move on, please, don't think of me forever.
Some girl is going to be so lucky when she has you.
She'll feel so safe in your arms, like I did. So safe, so secure. The moments I spent with you were my best, I was so happy with you Jake. Looking into your eyes …… I know you loved me and I'm sorry.
Forgive me.
I love you.
Don't blame yourself
I love you.
Cassie
My last testament, my last word. Don't forget me my friends, my family. Don't give up without me.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil
For thou art with me
Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me
Thou preparest a table before me
In the presence of mine enemies
Thou anoints my head with oil
My cup runneth over
Surely, goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever.
Can nobody hear me?
I feel like a mute when I'm trying to speak.
I know I must fight these lies,
But my heart is so weak.
Is there nothing to save me
From ending up this way?
'Cause I'm just sinking lower
Every single day.
Cassie kneeled on the floor of her room. Next to her were the empty bottles of pills. She had taken them a few minutes before; she was waiting to die. Her journal lay open next to her. In it was the pain and anguish of two years of war. In it, she had written down the lyrics to various songs, poems she'd found, anything that caught her eye.
Her latest were depressing, mirroring her feelings.
She slowly changed her positions, on her side, in a fetal position, she sang to herself.
In her last moments, she didn't want to die.
Her mind shut down, her breathing slowed, her head swirled.
And she didn't die.
She didn't die.
She had so much poison her that it would be impossible for her to survive
But she didn't die. And she knew that it wasn't her time. All her planning, and it wasn't her turn to die.
A light flashed around her, and a voice came out of the darkness.
Don't give up
Three simple words, with so much meaning.
She used her desk as a support and, using all the strength, she could muster, reached for the phone.
She pushed 3 numbers 9-1-1. In a weak voice she said, "help" and then, passed out.
But I can't hide
I won't go
I won't sleep
I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me
I won't leave
I can't hide
I cannot be
Until you're resting here with me
My name is Jake.
"Where is she" I asked Rachel for the 50th time today. "Do I look like her daily planner to you?" Rachel replied slightly angry "This isn't like her" she said as an afterthought.
We were having a meeting in the woods, all of us except Cassie. She was missing, had been since last night. We'd had a mission and she never showed. She wasn't at school either; we tried calling her house, no such luck. "Well, she was pretty messed-up after the last battle" Marco commented
"What are you getting at Marco?" Rachel asked him. She looked at him like any answer he gave would be a wrong one. " I was just thinking that she looked pretty depressed, maybe she did something." He said cautiously.
Suicide? Cassie?
" No. Cassie wouldn't do that! Do you hear me? She. Wouldn't!" Rachel started for Marco, ready to tear out his throat. She stopped short and looked up at Tobias, you could tell he'd talked to her in private thought speech. She nodded and went back to where she was.
I looked at my watch, 4:54. "Great, I've got to go, my parents are going to kill me if I'm late."
"See-ya Jake"
"Bye"
I walked out of our little meeting, and headed home. A few minutes later I walked in the door of my house, my parents looked up as I came in, my Mom started crying. You could tell she had been for awhile.
"Jake, come here for a second" My Dad said, not looking me in the eye.
My mind flew Tom? Cassie? What's wrong…
I sat down next to my Mom, waiting for what happened.
What they told me made my heart stop.
"Jake…Cassie, she's... she's in a coma Jake, OD. They said she tried to kill herself last night. Her parents wanted you to know, to tell you, that you should see her. Jake, they don't think she's going to survive."
My mind blew apart. MY heart felt like it was full of lead.
Not going to survive….
I nodded. "Can I see her?" I asked, my voice sounded choked.
My Dad gave the ok. I stood up and started for the door.
"Oh, Jake, they wanted to give you this" My Dad handed me a book.
It was her journal, Cassie's journal………
I was flying
Colors
Swirling colors that surrounded me engulfed me.
And the music….
The melody was sweet and hopeful,
The harmony was the same, only a little bit sadder, quieter, withdrawn. Like it was played by a younger musician, not so sure of it self but gaining strength.
The Bass was low, long, notes. Sad and mournful
I knew that song, somewhere, sometime; I had heard that song….
I landed suddenly, on my feet. A girl was standing in the middle of a room. Around her were the colors that had, just a second ago, been around me.
The girl was tall, with brownish/blonde hair and green eyes. Her eyes were deep, mysterious. They spoke of happiness and pain, full of the deep weight of responsibility.
Like Jake's eyes…
"My name is Reilya," She said, glancing up at me. "I'm your watcher."
"My what" I asked
"Your watcher, I watch you make sure you don't disrupt the flow of time." She said explaining nothing.
" So you're saying that you spend all day watching me?" I was slightly embarrassed at the thought of her seeing everything I did.
" Well, not everything, I usually forget or Arion does" Reilya replied, motioning towards the colors.
"Hello, let me introduce myself. I'm Arion, a cherubim." The colors said. He changed his form to what looked like a dragon of some sort, wings, many eye's, smoke.
"Yeah thanks, ummmm why am I here?"
"You're here because, like an idiot, you disrupted the pattern, again I hate it when you guys do this! Then I have to go back and fix everything and then El yells at me because I didn't do my job well enough!"
She was mad.
"That still doesn't explain why I'm here." I told her moving towards Arion, just in case she snapped.
Rei sighed, " You will die Cassie. And when you do it will mess up the whole plan, and this time I can't fix it. That's why you're here. You have to decide for yourself if you want to live or die. Only you can fix that."
" So what do I do?"
" You have to do my job Cassie, you have to watch them, your friends. You have to watch the one you love suffer without you.".
Jake.
I had to watch Jake suffer.
Had to watch them all suffer.
I felt like running from it, looked for an exit. Then, realizing it was my fault, walked over to Rei.
"When do I start?"
"How about now?"
She led me to a small pond. " Look inside it, become one with the pond, the color, the music Become one with Jake, concentrate on him. Think of Jake,"
I thought of Jake, of his brown eyes, his beautiful smile. The way his arms slipped around my shoulders when we walked. About holding his hand, about kissing him.
About crying with him.
I saw him and the others. I fell into the picture. Became one with the image.
I was watching them.
Show me the meaning of being lonely
Is this the feeling I need to walk with
Tell me why I can't be there where you are
There's something missing in my heart/
My name is Jake.
I held her journal in my arms, hugging close to me.
It was all I had of her.
You know how it is when you cut yourself, really deep? For awhile it doesn't hurt, it's numb. You can't feel it at first.
It was like that for me. I saw Cassie lying there, tubes, machines, everywhere. I couldn't feel a thing. I knew that something was wrong, that I should be crying, like Rachel. Rachel never cries, she was now.
I couldn't.
Couldn't cry.
I went to the hospital to see her. My Dad drove me. He was afraid to let me walk. Afraid I'd try something. We sat in the car in silence; I didn't even bother to turn on the radio. Dad just stared straight ahead, not looking at me. It was the longest 10 minutes of my life.
After what seemed like hours, we walked into her room. The rest of the Animorphs were already there, minus Ax. Rachel mostly cried, Tobias was trying to comfort her, he wouldn't look me in the eye. Just said something about how sorry he was. Marco wouldn't look at me either. What were they afraid of? Did they think I drove her to this?
They couldn't, could they?
Could they?
I held Cassie's hand, willing her to wake up. Held her hand and brushed her hair out of her face. After an hour, we went home.
I went to my room later that night and turned on my radio in my room. I opened her journal to the first page, I think she would have wanted me to.
What I read made me cry.
" I love Jake so much, more then he knows. I see how torn up he is, how much he's hurting inside. I wish I could help him. I wish I could just hold him and tell him everything will be all right, that I don't blame him for anything and that he's a wonderful leader. Then I wish he would listen to me, that he would tell me that everything was going to be all right, that he's there for me. Of course then I'd have to tell him that I'm falling apart. And he would blame himself, another burden for him to carry. I know I can't hurt him like that. I love him to much."
I read that and started to cry, she was afraid it would hurt me. I was to blame, if I had listened to her everything would be okay. She would be here.
It was my fault.
My fault.
The cut started to hurt. I curled into a ball on my bed, held her journal to me.
And cried.
These tears of pearls.
If you're lost you can look
And you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you
I'll be waiting
Time after time
My name is Rachel.
"Rachel, you there?"
Tobias walked through the woods, calling my name. We were at the hospital, to see Cassie. I had run out, just left, into the woods. Tobias in human form had been following me for almost a mile.
I had to get away from it all, Couldn't bear to see her there, lying there, dying.
Cassie, my best friend, dying. It was too much.
And unlike most people I hadn't dealt with sadness, I had dealt with anger.
I wanted to smash something, kill someone.
I was blaming everyone, mostly Cassie. Why hadn't she talked to me??
"Rachel?"
Tobias had come to talk to me, tell me it would be all right. He knew I was there, he's not dumb. He just wanted to see if I would talk to him, willingly.
I didn't want to talk to him. Didn't want to see anyone.
"I'm here" I called out, walking into view.
"You okay Rachel?"
"I'll live"
He didn't believe me, he knew.
He morphed back into hawk, then re-morphed into human.
"Talk to me"
"I'd rather not right now"
He sighed and took my hand.
"I understand, but I'll be here, remember that Rachel, I'll be here if you want to talk."
He de-morphed and flew off.
I morphed to Eagle and followed him.
Two silent shape against a burning sunset.
Tobias, wait up.
I can stand a lot
Take the pain
There's only one thing that I can't stand…
You.
My Name is Reilya.
I watched Cassie she was my charge.
She hadn't been fun to watch, to complex, like a movie almost.
She cared too much, to soft for the real world, had too much love. She was a wimp to, whining over battles. I couldn't stand her, but I had to watch her. Her being an anomaly didn't help either.
She was a weak link in her war. I couldn't stand weakness, wanted to get it out of her. It would've worked; I had a plan….
But she ruined it. Damn anomaly.
I would make her friends pay for that. Why do you think she was here? This wasn't supposed to happen, she was just supposed to go back, never have to watch anyone.
But, I play outside the rules. I don't break them, just bend them.
Of course, the Eliminate would kill me. He wasn't a god, just a guardian of time. So, he was put in charge of the time lines. We watchers were his workers. He would get mad when we did wrong, congratulate us when we did well. Like a parent.
I was a mistake, I wasn't meant to be a watcher. I was just to valuable to lose to Crayak.
I always got the bad charges, like Cassie. Never, in my 256 years of watching, have a gotten a decent charge.
I glanced over at her; she was still looking into the pool. She was crying, tears running down her face, dripping in the water.
Like I said, too much emotion.
I hated her so much, so very, very much. I wanted to eliminate her, but where would Arion stand? I glanced over at the Cherub. He was innocent, not weak, just too trusting. I knew he could kill me if he wanted, he was strong enough, had the power. He was a Cherub after all. Of course I couldn't kill Cassie and get away with it. The Ellimist would find out, I'd never get away with it…
Arion! He could eliminate Cassie! I would be off the hook! I could destroy her and receive no punishment! The Ellimist's hands were tied! It was perfect!
I could make him, he loved me, he was like a brother. He would do anything for me. But would he kill her?
There was only one way to find out….
" Arion, come here a sec"
A lone pair of watchful eyes
Oversee the living
Feel the presence all around
A tortured soul
A wound unhealing
My name is Cassie…
" Cassie, Arion will take over from here" Rei said. She gave me a sympathetic smile. "It's always hard when you love them"
I stood up, wiped the tears off of my face. Arion stood next to me, in some odd way comforted me, I felt better, just because he was next to me. I smiled at him,
"Thanks, I don't think I could've taken much longer, it makes you so tired"
"I know, watching takes a lot of energy, you get used to it. If you want you can sleep in my room, I don't need sleep anymore."
She nodded towards a door on the left wall, I hadn't noticed it before.
"Thank you, so much. Are you sure you don't mind?"
"No problem, you need the rest."
I walked over to the door and opened it. The room was small, it had one bed, a chair, and what looked like a radio of some sort. I wasn't sure what it was, but I was willing to bet it played music.
I just stood there for awhile, didn't want to sleep. After awhile I sat down in the chair. I must've fallen asleep, because I dreamed.
A voice was calling me out of the darkness, telling me something, I couldn't make it out, something about revenge. I tried to hear it, tried to understand, but I couldn't.
I woke up in a cold sweat. "Jake…" I said his name, something in my dream had to do with him…there was something I couldn't remember… I stood up and looked around at my surroundings, tried to figure out where I was.
I opened the door to the room, looked outside, I saw Arion, my memory came back to me, I knew where I was.
Rei turned around and saw me standing there. She gave me a smile.
"Good day"
"Greetings" Arion said, he stood up from where he was sitting, next to Rei.
"Hello"
"Are you hungry, Cassie?" Rei asked me, she walked over to another door and pulled out a large breakfast, pancakes, sausage, bacon, eggs, toast. I wasn't hungry, and a vegetarian besides, but I didn't want to hurt her feelings.
"Thank you, I appreciate it."
"Eat up, you need the energy if you're going to watch again"
Jake…I'd forgotten…
I missed him so much, I didn't want to see him suffer though, didn't want to have to feel his pain…
"Right, watching…"
THE AUTHORS NOTE! (For all who are saying 'what?')
So like it?? This is what I have done so far, but I'm working on the rest, I guess I should start my hand-dandy little disclaimer now eh? OK, here goes….
The songs used, in order are, Tears of Pearls, Savage Garden. Broadway, Goo Goo Dolls
. Honestly Ok, Dido. Crash and Burn, Savage Garden. Don't Wanna Die Anymore, New Radicals, Adams Song, Blink 182. The 23rd Psalm,(not a song lyric!) King James Version. A Poem by my friend Naomi Sisko, ( I don't know the name, but everyone has to read Naomi's fics right now!) Here With Me (Roswell Song), Dido. Show Me The Meaning, Backstreet Boys, Time After Time, Cyndi Lauper (sp??) A- random-thing- that -I -made- up- on -the- spur- of -the- moment, by me. Free to Fly Tonight, Savage - does -anyone- else -sense- that -I- have- an -obsession -with- them Garden.OK that's it so far, I have had this posted before, but I edited some stuff and changed songs around so I combined them all and re-uploaded. I hope I didn't leave any parts out! And don't worry, when this is done, I'll thank everyone who helped me.
~Libra~