Hello, all you depraved internet zombies. SubZero here, with another fanfiction of epic proportions, in which the Haruhi Suzumiya cast reinact episodes from YuGiOh! The Abridged Series. Now, listen, the first episode has been done so many times, I've decided to skip the first episode. If you want to read it, read chapter 42 of superstarultra's You've Been HaruhiRolled. The first chapter will be a reenactment of YuGiOh! The Other Abridged Movie, with the following characters from Haruhi filling the roles of the actors from YuGiOh! Abridged:
Kyon - Yugi
Haruhi - Joey
Mikuru - T'ea
Itsuki - Tristan
Yuki - The Pharoah
Tsuruya - Kaiba
Jeremiah Gottwald from Code Geass - Kemo
Gaara of the Funk - Anime Ving Rhames.
and in this chapter, a Haruhi OC named Mari Su for Shugo/Gary Stu.
The Card Games of Haruhi Suzumiya
Chapter 0: The Rivalry of Hot Chicks.
Corn on my mouth
Moe's soup machine
Naruto can't hang though they're keen
Key yeah, yoohoo!
You may want to look away
Call at the coot:
"My camera's on Rita!"
Diary!
I've developed an itchy knee
Buy a weak old egg-nog, oh no!
Yami & I mosh in Torino
She threw away my super glue
Quieter!
Send Kirby down
(COOCHIE!)
Guess Arnold knew never to kiss a Sue
Criminal sends off to SEGA:
"You owe me Thailand!"
There any more of that celery?
Caught a hiccup
Walking down Art Carney Avenue
Packin' heat
She's got a Wii
Tourniquet
Frylock's high again!
A week after Yuki had managed to defeat Tsuruya in a child's card game, and Haruhi and Kyon were head to head again. But something was... different...
"Hey, Haruhi," Kyon cautiously eyed a light-blue-haired girl, "That girl looks an awful lot like Ryoko. Do you know her?"
"Who're you talking about, Baka-Kyon?" Haruhi replied, anxious for Kyon to make his move.
"This girl, who's staring at me," Kyon pointed, "Just who the hell is she?"
"You're pointing at empty air," Haruhi deadpanned, "Have you gone nuts?"
"Itsuki, you see her, right?"
"Miss Suzumiya, I do believe that Kyon has unfortunately began to see things," Our sexually-ambiguous friend with the neat hair noted.
"Yep, he's definetly cracked," Haruhi said, decisively, although a tiny part of her was wondering if Kyon was seeing some sort of interdimensional observer.
"Oh, you guys are so funny," Kyon laughed it off, "Now stop it."
'If it makes you feel better,' The ghostly form of Yuki Nagato replied, 'I don't think I'm alone in this artifact.'
"Good for you," Kyon groaned.
"Hey, loser!" Some generic bully told some first year girl with short black hair, "We heard you finally got some Duel Monster cards."
"Yeah, what a joke!" A second one added, "I bet you don't even know how to summon Kuriboh! You'd have to be a total dork to not know how to do that!"
"Hey, wait a minute," Kyon noticed the commotion, "Geez, even in High School, Mari Su gets picked on."
"Wait, you know that girl?" Haruhi raised an eyebrow.
"No, I don't, but in the context of this chapter, she's my best friend," Kyon deadpanned.
"Please, you two," Mari peered at the bullies, "Will you two ever find something better to do then pick on helpless OC's?"
"Aw, what's wrong," the bully mocked, "Did we just disgrace you? Why don't you play a card game with us to settle our differences?"
"Please," Mari deadpanned, "I don't even PLAY Duel Monsters."
Everyone who heard that turned with a shocked look. Some even drop their cards in the shock.
"Oh no, you didn't!" Haruhi shouted.
"Well, later, you card dorks," Mari walked away, to be seen later in this fic.
"A kid who doesn't like card games?" Haruhi yelled in horror, "The end is nigh!"
"No, it's not, Haruhi," Kyon replied.
"Yeah, you're right," Haruhi instantly calmed down.
"It's surprising that she'd believe a guy who's likely insane," Itsuki observed.
"Shut up, Itsuki, or I'll remove that pretty face of yours," Kyon snarled, showing his Another Way persona. Itsuki backed off.
Meanwhile, Mikuru tried to say something before being forgotten until later chapters, completely unaware that she was just there to look pretty.
"Nyoro, Nyoro, Nyoro," Tsuruya laughed to herself, "It really was a great idea to install security cameras all over the country. I can now see everybody at any time, and I can spy on the SOS Brigade to stay a step ahead of them! This is so Megas-Awesome!"
"Yes, Miss Tsuruya," A random filler spoke up, "But why the heck did you decide to install a camera in Kyon's shower? Seems a little unnecessary."
"I must always be one step ahead!"
"Yes, ma'am..."
North High - Japan - May 27, 2010 - 14 days since last Godzilla attack
"Hey, Kyon," Haruhi noticed, "This sort-of reminds me of that fanfiction by superstarultra where I learned I was god and you turned into Yuki in order to beat Tsuruya in a card game."
"That's because this fanfiction is based off of that fanfiction," Kyon explained.
"So why do things feel different?" Haruhi asked.
"Different writer, Haruhi," Kyon replied.
"A different writer?" Haruhi asked, "Won't he get flamed for stealing SSU's ideas?"
"No, for two reasons," Kyon answered, "One, he asked permission first, and two, he based this chapter off of YuGiOh Season Zero's Abridged movie."
"There was a season ZERO?" Haruhi replied, "How come I never knew about it?"
"It only aired in Japan due to it being extremely violent and depressingly bad," Kyon answered.
"DAMMIT, JAPAN!" Haruhi yelled, "IT ALWAYS GETS THE COOL STUFF!"
"Um, Haruhi..." Kyon replied, "WE live in Japan."
"We do?" Haruhi replied, dumbfounded.
"SOMEBODY HELP ME!"
Haruhi and Kyon looked to see a girl with short black hair run past them, only to be captured by... a tall dark-skinned man with greenish blue hair, dressed in a fancy military outfit.
"HEY LEGGO MY ARM, ORANGE-KUN!" Mari shouted.
"NO way, Jailbait!" The man replied, "You're under arrest for not playing card games!"
"No! Gari's in trouble! We gotta save her!" Haruhi shouted in an OOC manner.
"Good thing I took 'Child-grabbing' lessons!" Orange-kun (AKA Jeremiah Gottwald) smirked. Suddenly, Kyon's fist met his hand, causing it to recoil from the impact. "OW MY HAND!"
"Hey, wait a minute!" Haruhi raised an eyebrow, "Aren't you from Code Geass?"
"Yep! However, in superstarultra's fic, I sub for the Hair Guy, so SubZeroGreymon decided to keep things consistent," Jeremiah replied, "And I'm here by Tsuruya's orders to capture that dumb OC and force her to take part in a card game tournament. Oh, and has anybody seen my eyepiece? I've been looking for it everywhere."
"Didn't you serve Lelouch in that fanfic?" Kyon asked, "Why the heck are you taking orders from Tsuruya?"
"..." Went Jeremiah.
"..." Went Haruhi.
"..." Went Yuki.
"..." Went Kyon.
"..." Went Tsuruya.
"..." Went Ryuk.
"..." Went Seto Kaiba.
"..." Went Megatron.
"..." Went the entire cast of Naruto.
"..." Went everybody reading this fanfiction.
"... I don't know," Jeremiah replied, "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some children to grab..."
"Hey, Look!" Haruhi pointed to her left side, "An orange!"
"HEY, WAIT, WHAT? WHERE!" Jeremiah turned to his right side, allowing Kyon to escape with Mari.
"C'mon, Mari, let's go!" Kyon shouted, taking the young girl away.
"I don't know who you are!" Mari replied, "But anything's better then that creep!"
"I don't see an orange..." Jeremiah turned to see the two escaping, "HEY! GET BACK HERE!"
Haruhi grabbed the poor guy and yelled, "NYA... HARUPUNCH!" before punching him.
The canon character and the OC ran into a nearby alleyway before stopping to catch their breath.
"I really need to stop smoking," Kyon commented, "So... Mari..."
"It's Mari Su," Mari replied, "Like the fiction concept, but no relation."
"Whatever, so why don't you play card games like everyone else?"
"Don't see the appeal," Mari shrugged, "Never could, never needed to."
"Oh, so that's your story?" Kyon raised an eyebrow, "I thought you had a deeper reason not to."
"Hehehehe..." A whisper-like voice hissed.
"Did you just laugh at me?" Mari asked.
"No, why?" Kyon replied. Then the two turned to see a certain red-headed Naruto Character in a black suit.
"Oh no!" Kyon yelled, "It's Naruto's Gaara... of the Funk!"
Boosha Boosha Boosha Bish GAARA! OF DA FUNK!
"WOW! What a battle!" Haruhi dusted herself off, "Piloting a Gundam and fighting a Knightmare frame was so awesome! Too bad the fight isn't described!"
Then, she stumbled onto an appalling sight. Kyon and Mari, looking like they had just been maimed. For some reason, there was a lot of
"KYON-KUN!" Haruhi yelled, "Are you okay...? What happened... my love?"
"He came out of nowhere... and stole Mari's card..." Kyon moaned out.
"Who?" Haruhi asked.
"Gaara..." Kyon replied, "... of the funk."
Boosha Boosha Boosha Bish GAARA! OF DA FUNK!
"SWEET!" Haruhi turned and ran for the Duel Dome, "Another excuse to kick the crap out of someone!"
"Oh... good..." Kyon moaned out, slowly getting out, "Knowing Haruhi... she'd probably summon a Megazord and stomp him..."
At the Duel Dome...
All was calm. Spectators were entering the dome to view the Duels happening...
... Then Haruhi ran into the area, causing Feuer Frei by Rammstein to start playing out of nowhere. She located the perpetrator, and ran to him.
"Give Mari her card back!" Haruhi yelled in an OOC way, "I always knew I'd face you, Gaara! Of the-"
Then a wave of sand hit her, interrupting her when she was talking.
"FUNK!" Haruhi shouted.
Boosha Boosha Boosha Bish GAARA! OF DA FUNK!
In the Duel Dome...
"Miss Tsuruya just defeated Generic OC #540 without breaking a sweat!" The announcer shouted, "I can't imagine the shame he feels at this moment!"
"Uh huh huh huh," The OC spoke, "THIS SUCKS! I'm gonna go dye my hair!"
Outside the Duel Dome...
"Haruhi!" Kyon looked at the seemingly week Haruhi.
"It's okay, Kyon," Haruhi replied, "I got a bit of sand in my skirt, but I managed to save Mari's card."
She then held up a card portraying a black-scaled dragon, with the title, 'Red-Eyes B. Dragon.'
"Now you can Duel Tsuruya and get revenge for her dastardly scheme..." Haruhi noted, "Right, MARI?"
"EW!" Mari screamed, "I'm not touching that deck! This game isn't even worth my time!"
"Oh no you don't!" Haruhi glared at her, "You're going to play a Children's card game! NOW!"
"Or what?"
"I'll costume-rape you like I do Mikuru!"
"Ha! I'm not scared!"
"Then I'll rape your dad!"
"Go ahead and try!"
"Then I'll kick your dog!"
"Shows what you know! I don't even HAVE a dog!"
"Then I'll buy you a cute little puppy-dog, and then kick it!"
"I won't even care about that!"
"Then I'll make you watch High School Musicals 1, 2, AND 3!"
"HA! I happen to LIKE High School Musical!"
"GUYS!" Kyon shouted, "To end your little sparing match, I'll face Tsuruya myself!"
"Fine," Haruhi replied, "And me and Mari can watch! Because if she doesn't, I'll kick her ass."
And so, Kyon turned into Yuki and entered the stadium.
"I'm here to kick ass and play card games," Yuki quipped, "And I'm all out of ass."
"When I'm though with you, you'll have to take a shower to wash away the smell of defeat," Tsuruya retorted, "And I won't be watching you do it!"
"Why would you be watching me?"
"Oh, I installed a camera in your shower."
"Come again?"
"I didn't say anything."
"..."
"..."
ANYWAYS, BACK TO THE PLOT!
"I summon three Blue-Eyes White Dragons!" Tsuruya announced, as three identical dragons emerged.
"Wait," Yuki raised an eyebrow, "Did you just summon a bunch of monsters in one turn?"
"Yeah," Tsuruya replied, "Stop asking."
"I was just wondering."
"Yeah, well don't."
"If you think that's impressive," Yuki summoned a anthromorphic beaver to the field, "Then take a look at my beaver!"
"When you've seen one beaver, you've seen them all," Tsuruya smirked, completely unaware of the innuendo in that last quip.
As the epic battle took place, Mari and Haruhi looked from the sidelines.
"How long do these things usually last?" Mari asked, bored out of her mind (Card games didn't interest her.)
"Well, card games usually last a few time periods of about 22 minutes," Haruhi noted, "But since this chapter's based off of a movie, it could technically go on for a few exciting hours."
'I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away!" Mari thought to herself, not wanting to be killed by God.
1 hour later
"Yuki seems to be focusing on stalling tactics," Haruhi observed, "I guess she realizes she can't beat Tsuruya without summoning Exodia... but I wonder why she can't just manipulate her cards into doing it?"
Mari groaned in sheer bordem.
2 hours later
"Seems like Yuki's not stalling Tsuruya for her own benefit," Haruhi observed, "It's almost as if she wants something else..."
Mari just banged her head against the wall.
3 hours later
It's so..." Mari spoke, "... clear to me now!"
"What?" Haruhi asked.
"THIS IS THE GREATEST GAME EVER INVENTED!" Mari proclaimed, exhibiting the reaction the makers of this movie expected from the general public, "AND FROM THIS DAY FORTH, I'M GONNA SPEND THE REST OF MY DAYS PLAYING A CHILDREN'S CARD GAME!"
"ON MOTORCYCLES!" Jack Atlas added.
"What're they going on about, Nyoro?" Tsuruya asked.
"What everyone always wanted!" Yuki proclaimed, "I summon Meteor Black Dragon!"
"Wait, you can't summon a fusion monster like that!"
"This coming from the girl who summons three high-level monsters in one turn?"
"Good point. Carry on."
"Good," Yuki smirked, "Now, I proceed to attack with Meteor Black Dragon, ending the duel in one swift stroke!"
"Play that funky music, White boy!" Kyon's spirit yelled.
BANG, BANG!
The Dragon streaked toward the powerful beasts...
BANG! BANG!
Striking the white dragons... crushing them... and ending the Duel.
Feuer Frei! BANG BANG!
"Yuki, you have shamed me once agains," Tsuruya turned and left the arena, "But I won't stops until I am the undisputed master of card games! Now if you'll excuse mes, I have to go sues the people who mades Eye of Judgment for the Playstation 3. Like that isn't an megas-obvious rip-off of Duel Monsters. By the way, has anybody seen Churuya?"
Yuki watched her go, silent as always. Haruhi snuck behind her with a sinister grin.
"SURPRISE COSRAPE!" Haruhi proclaimed, before leaping at Yuki... who merely stepped out of the way, allowing her to crash on the ground.
"Suzumiya-san," Yuki spoke, "With you, it's never a surprise."
Her amber eyes turned to the black-haired girl. Mari smiled, hopeful that Yuki would congratulate her for her brain-damage-induced realizations.
Instead, Yuki simply said, "Piss off."
Coal miner
Dad, I can't get the milk away
Could an anime hooker eat Kenner's chimney?
Shinobi
Shoot that arrow key, Amiga
Porco Rosso caught eating curry
Vidal Sassoon
Cloak a sea otter
Raquelle had an emo man
Come to Iowa
Jeer at me or glare - I don't care
Bonk Ulala
Mm, gee...it's a Jew
How Sagat tore through the room
No more Matilda, kay?
Now she can fall (she can hear ya!)
Towed on a cable
Goku can hardly caress underneath
Jim Carrey's from Canada (Oh?)
He hates you
Keep him out of my hair, Neo!
Shortly after the events of this chapter, Mari was taken to a remote island and forced to kill her fellow OC classmates one by one. She returned safely, only for her hometown to be bombed by Cylons. She survived the bombings, only to be eaten by Godzilla.
Thank you for reading this fanfiction. superstarultra owns this concept, and has given me permission to modify it for my own purposes. I own none of the material in this fanfic, with the only exception of Mari Su.
UP NEXT: Haruhi and Konata have a rap battle! The Anti-SOS Brigade sings about Leather pants! Kyon sings about leather SHOES! and a reenactment of the second episode of YGOTAS! All here! All new!