Hello again:) So pleased to be back.
For anyone interested I've decided to go ahead with bits about Kay as he gets older. It'll either be in a few one-shots or a very small mini-fic (No more than 10 chapters) and of course A & J will also feature. But for now I've decided to do one last one-shot of them when he's little; takes place in very early stages of my "next mile" universe when Kalum is four, still adjusting to talking again and still getting used to certain new things in his life. Bit of both happiness and sadness. Hope you like.
Song belongs to Lifehouse
How long have I been in this storm? If I could just see you, And I will walk on water
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread,
With these waves crashing over my head
Everything would be all right
If I'd see you,
This darkness would turn to light
And you will catch me if I fall,
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright,
I know everything is alright…
It was as though the closest thing to a hurricane had hit Emmerdale village during one of the late nights of January. The rain lashed and pounded against the windows and roofs of the buildings like pebbles and the wind roared and caused the slates to shudder threateningly, the odd smash every now and again confirming that one of them had taken a suicidal hop. Joining in with this chorus was the frequent crack of thunder erupting through the sky, and of course what ripping thunder storm would be complete without some rather intimidating bursts of lightning illuminating the windows every now and again. Somewhere out in the middle of all the ruckus the lonely metallic sound of a tin can rattling as it was rolled to and fro in the gutter contributed to the menacing melody of mother natures' current tune.
However the atrocious weather did little to disturb the inhabitants of the village, after all at two o'clock in the morning most were now safely tucked up in their beds sound asleep despite the mournful howls of the wind creeping down their chimneys and clattering through their letterboxes. They were used to such storms and it did little to bother them save causing some grumbling the next day over forking out for replacement slates.
The same went for the Walsh's, who at that time were like everybody else fast asleep and oblivious to the storm raging outside. This was partly due to the fact that the three of them being the sleepers they were could probably sleep on a bed of nails if need be;
The other part being that all three were each currently battling an even more terrifying storm of their own.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Jacksons' eyes shot open. As they did he frowned; he was in darkness and unable to recognise his surroundings. He sniffed the air and grimaced as scents of petrol and damp earth entered his nose. He could also taste something strange in his mouth; something bitter and metallic. This was getting weirder.
He tried swallowing whatever was making this vile taste in his mouth only for it to resume almost immediately. Shaking his head in confusion he reached to his left to wake up his partner to see if he could notice anything unusual.
His eyes widened in horror as instead of his husbands' sleeping form his hand made contact with a heap of broken glass and just then as his eyes adjusted to the darkness he realised he wasn't in bed but in some sort of metal container with bits of broken glass and metal everywhere. With a shaking hand he ran a finger across his bottom lip and held it out in front of him; red.
As alarm bells began ringing in his head he automatically shut his eyes against a sudden glare of blinding light. To his horror he could feel the ground shaking beneath him. Forcing his eyes open against the light he felt his insides turn to ice as he saw a large, silver shuttle heading directly for him
A train.
In his panic he tried desperately to fight his way out of the container but to no avail as the doors refused to budge. Suddenly he could see a figure through the window on his right; it was standing only a few metres away with cropped black hair, blue eyes and a clean-shaven face which wore an expression of grim anxiousness but acceptance.
Jackson recognised him at once "AARON!" he yelled desperately "Help!"
But Aaron remained where he was and sadly shook his head "I'm sorry, Jackson. I just can't do this anymore. It's for your own good."
Jackson didn't even have time to let his horror at this sink in as he noticed the train speeding ever so closer to him, as though in slow motion. In a last desperate attempt to save himself he tried once more to reach out for the door handle only to find he wasn't able; his arms and legs were completely powerless. Dead as stone. He whipped his head back to spare a final pleading look at Aaron who had now looked away almost guiltily, holding the hand of some other man whose face Jackson couldn't make out.
Then the train hit.
Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Aaron gazed around him confusedly; where the hell was he? One minute he was warm and comfy in his bed and now it was as though he had awoken in some empty, grey, claustrophobic room. Staring around the room he could see no one else and the place was void of furniture save a plank bed on one side. Surely not…
He felt his heart sink as he turned to see a heavy metal door as his only possible means of exit from this gloomy place. There was a narrow slit in the door, meaning he could only be in one place; a prison cell.
Before he could begin to wonder why he was in such a place he was distracted by the sound of keening and crying which appeared to be coming from the other side of the door. His curiosity getting the better of him, he made his way in the direction of the noise and squinting his eyes gazed out through the narrow slit.
The scene was strange; the cell somehow seemed to look out over a green pasture where a few people were standing. From where he was Aaron could see that they were circling a rather large hole in the ground and that they were the ones producing the sobs. He realised he was observing a funeral.
Then with a jolt he realised that he knew the people; to the forefront of the crowd was Hazel, and Jerry, and his own mother. Then there was Paddy, Adam, Pearl and Declan Macey. All were expressing their grief for the poor unfortunate who was in the hole, whoever that was.
A member of the crowd shifted to one side revealing the headstone. Aaron could make out the inscription and it felt like a punch to his stomach.
HERE LIES JACKSON WALSH
Aaron felt his whole body give away, held upright only by his fingers gripping the opening of the door as his voice started cracking "No, no,no! Please God, no!"
He felt the door vibrate as a kick was launched against the opposite side of the door and a booming voice he didn't recognise ordering "Silence in there, Livesy! Murderers don't get freedom of speech!"
Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Jackson shot bolt upright in bed, eyes snapping open, breathing unevenly as they dashed over and back across the room. It took him a moment to fully assure himself that it had all been a nightmare and that he wasn't back at the scene of his accident but in his own bed in his own house, safe and sound.
Once the panic had fully subsided he sighed in relief and slight annoyance. He knew he should be used to that dream by this stage; it had been a regular recurring one since his accident. Despite several years passing since that event it still made an appearance every now and again, some times more vividly than others.
This was one of those times. He was just grateful that he hadn't woken Aaron with it; he always felt ridiculous whenever he ended up disturbing his husband with that stupid dream. To be certain that he hadn't interrupted his slumber Jay checked to his side and his face twisted in concern as he noticed his partner sweating profusely in his sleep and making small sorrowful noises as his fingers clenched the sheets beneath him
"No! No! Please no!"
Not bearing to see him in distress Jackson gave him a shake "Babe, wake up! It's ok, you're dreaming!"
Aaron's eyes flickered open and like his husband seconds earlier sat up hurriedly, eyes darting about the place as he tried to determine where he was. He then startled his partner by calling out in panic "JACKSON!"
"Shhh babe, I'm here!" he gently took a trembling Aarons' face into his hands and turned his head so that he could see him, his terror-filled blue eyes widening almost in disbelief as he stared back at Jacksons' face as though afraid to dare to believe it was real.
Jackson ran a thumb soothingly over Aarons' stubble "It's ok babe, it's me. I'm here."
Wordlessly Aaron crept forward and placed his arms around Jay, holding him a little tighter than necessary but Jackson wasn't going to complain. If anything he needed a reassuring hug just as much as Aaron.
He heard a small sniff and saw Aarons' hand sweep quickly over one eye, not wanting to seem weak. Jackson certainly didn't think he was. Lifting a hand to soothingly stroke his partners hair he muttered "A bad one was it, babe?"
"You could say that." Aaron grunted. It was one he had experienced a couple of times before but had never made such a fuss over. He felt foolish that he had caused such drama over nothing.
Jackson nodded understandingly "Me too."
As Aaron looked at him in surprise Jay sighed and lay back down with one hand behind his head and the other held out to invite Aaron to lie down with him. Aaron did so willingly and wrapped an arm protectively around his torso as Jay's arm closed around him securely. They lay in content silence listening to the chaos outside and watching as the occasional flash of lightning lit up their room through the curtains. The fingers of Aarons' hand fiddled absent-mindedly with the Saint Christopher medal and cross that Jackson wore around his neck as each man consoled himself that everything was ok now that the nightmares had passed and they were safely in their partners' arms.
Aaron was the first to speak "What was yours about then?"
Jackson gave a small snort "Nothing much, the usual. What about yours?"
Aaron didn't seem to think it was "nothing much" and didn't let it drop "The train one again?" he muttered softly. Jackson nodded "It was one of the bad ones this time. The HD ones." He attempted to make light of it.
Aaron took it seriously though "Same events as always?" Jackson nodded.
Aaron paused thoughtfully; he knew the chain of events in this particular dream like the back of his hand. There was Jay trapped in the van, the appearance of the train, the appearance of Aaron himself; indifferent and with another bloke, the paralysis and finally the collision. Aaron was no psychologist but he could guess that this recurring event was the offspring of horrific memories and past insecurities that still haunted Jay's unconscious mind from time to time. Despite Jackson being more irritated by the dream now than upset by it Aaron still hated the fact that it bothered him.
"Anyway." Jackson cleared his throat "That's all old news. More importantly, what was yours about? It looked pretty bad, babe."
Aaron cast his eyes upwards; irked at having caused such a reaction. Nevertheless he told Jackson of his nightmare, keeping it blunt and to the point.
Jackson was silent as he finished. The whole planned assisted suicide thing wasn't something they liked discussing. Worried he had annoyed him Aaron bowed his head slightly and mumbled "Sorry."
Jackson responded by tipping Aaron's chin up with a finger "What are you sorry for, you sod?" he asked with a soft smile before leaning in to kiss his husband on the forehead "You can't help what goes on in your head. Mind you, there's times I wish I could see what goes on inside that mind of yours."
Aaron snorted "Trust me you don't! My mind damn well scares me sometimes!"
Jackson laughed softly as they remained in their embrace, oblivious to the gale circling their home. Another lightning flash lit up the window and in doing so highlighted Jay's bare chest, emphasising the scars decorating it. Aaron traced one of them as he muttered "About that night; you remember when we had that row and you stormed off?"
"Vaguely." Jackson smiled.
"Do you remember me shouting after you? You said you couldn't lose me because you never had me and I yelled after you that you did have me?"
Jackson nodded slowly, not sure where this was heading.
"Just so you know, you would always have had me. No matter what way you turned out or whatever your dream tells you. Just hope you know that."
Jacksons' insides warmed at his words and he gave him a kiss "I know that now, and I love you more than all the world for it."
Aaron smiled almost shyly as he rested his head against his partners collarbone "I love you too."
"And while we're on the subject…" Jackson tightened his hold around his partner, hoping he wouldn't take what he was about to say in the wrong sense "… had that "other thing" gone ahead you would only have been helping out of love. There's couples who'll come out with that crap about doing anything to make their partner happy but you actually were prepared to act on that statement. As much as I wish now I hadn't put you through all that, you still would have done nothing wrong in my eyes. "Murderers" cause people to die out of hate; you wouldn't have been a murderer."
"Doubt the rest of the village would've seen it like that." Aaron sniffed "In saying that, half of them probably wouldn't have expected any less from me."
Jay tutted "I don't think Carl King amounts to half the village, babe."
"No, but he's got a mouth amounting to about that much."
They chuckled as they remained in their position; Jackson content that he still had full movement of his body and the love of his life in his arms and Aaron comforted knowing that his soulmate was alive and well in his arms and that he wasn't doing time in a lonely prison cell for murder.
Just then there came a room-filling flash of lightning followed by an almighty clash of thunder, causing them to nearly jump out of their skins. Almost immediately afterwards they noticed their landing light suddenly snapping off.
With a frown Aaron pushed himself up and leaned across Jay to try the bedside lamp. Nothing. He tried the one on his side of the bed and got the same result.
He swore "Fucking power cut!"
Jackson groaned; perfect! "The bloody heating will probably be on the blink now as well!"
Aaron looked concerned "Will Kay be alright? He's none too fond of the dark."
Jackson swung his legs out of bed and pulled on a t-shirt "He's probably still asleep and won't notice anything but I'll check in on him just to be sure."
"Will you be alright moving about in the dark?"
"Of course babe, I'm a builder. I'm used to working in dark pla-" Jackson was cut off as his big toe took a wallop off the side of the wardrobe causing him to hop around the floor and let out a foul string of pain-fuelled swears "Stupid fucking shitty bastard of a thing!" among them.
Aaron was still trying to smother his laughter with his pillow as his husband descended the stairs still muttering darkly under his breath.
Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Kalum sweated and his small fists were clenched as he too experienced his own personal storm
He wasn't too sure of where he was; everything in the room was pitch black and he appeared to be seated on the ground. But he could hear voices; angry, shouting voices being hurled throughout the room. The voices were menacing, growling and very loud. The fact that he couldn't see where they were coming from only increased his fear. They kept getting louder and louder until they rang in Kay's ears and he clamped his hands over them and squeezed his eyes tightly shut, praying for them to stop.
After a few seconds he dared to re-open his eyes and was alarmed to see that he was still in complete darkness and while the voices weren't as human sounding he believed he could still hear them howling threateningly, though they appeared to be coming from outside.
He was startled as a flash of light lit up his window and the voice seemed to roar. In his fear he threw his duvet over his head and clung to his teddy fearfully, trembling in fear. So he had dreamed it all then; his new home with his nice new family. He was back in that place.
Kalum's ears pricked up in alarm as he heard footsteps approaching his room. He tried to make himself as still as possible and didn't dare call out or cry; he'd learnt the hard way that that only made things worse.
He wasn't able to stop himself shaking however as the footsteps came closer to his bed and he braced himself…
"Kalum? Kay, sweetheart, you alright?"
Kalum opened his eyes; it wasn't the voice he was expecting, this one was soft and concerned-sounding. He gingerly poked his head out from under the duvet to get a better look at the owner of the voice. His attempt was fruitless however thanks to the dark and he retreated slightly.
"Hey mate, don't be scared it's only me." The voice assured warmly.
Kalum peeked out from under his covers; he knew that voice. "Daddy?" he asked, half hopefully half sceptically.
Jackson's stomach flipped pleasantly as it always did since Kay had started referring to him in that way a month earlier. While he had picked up bits and pieces of vocabulary he still wasn't talking fluently yet but Jackson and Aaron could care less about the pace. Whenever he was ready suited them fine.
He sat down gently beside his son "Yeah mate it's me."
He wasn't surprised to see Kay immediately put his arms out to be taken for a hug; he just didn't fully understand the full meaning behind it.
He climbed the stairs once more with Kalum clinging to him like a limpet; not for love nor money was he content to stay on his own in the darkness with the horrible noises and scary flashing lights in his window. Thankfully, Jackson appeared to share his thoughts.
As they entered the bedroom Jackson saw that Aaron had managed to find a couple of candles and a box of matches stashed away somewhere. While it wasn't great lighting it certainly was better than sitting in pure darkness and it did make the room look rather cosy.
Aaron smiled as he saw their terrified-looking four year-old in Jay's arms "Hi baby, what are you awake at this time for?"
Kay relaxed; he'd been half-anxious that he might get a telling-off for making such a fuss. He was still learning about how life with his new dads worked; they didn't yell or scream at him like his old one. He couldn't really remember what his old one looked like on the spot but he was sure he would definitely recognise him if he was placed in front of him. And he'd never forget the shouting, as much as he wanted to.
But his new ones didn't seem like this at all. "Come here, mate."
Kalum was carefully passed to Aaron who put his arms around him. Kalum was grateful for the cuddle. "My boy's not scared by a silly old storm, is he?" Aaron smiled.
Kalum shook his sandy head indignantly "Uh-uh." Both of them grinned at his brave front. "You don't like it though, do you pal?" Jackson gently ruffled his hair.
Kalum shook his head once more "No." He then flinched as he heard another roll of thunder grumble outside, though he felt safe from it now. He clasped his hands over his ears to demonstrate "Noisy."
Both chuckled at his cuteness. "I never liked them either." Aaron muttered soothingly "I used to think it sounded like loads of people shouting at each other. Mind you, growing up in my house…" he grimaced slightly "…that was a great possibility!"
Kay of course didn't understand what his dad meant but his daddy seemed to; giving the back of his neck a comforting squeeze. To lighten the mood Jackson turned to Kay and grinned "Do you know what I thought all that racket was?"
"What?"
"Your uncle Cain snoring!"
This caused Kalum to burst out laughing, much to the enjoyment of his dads. They loved seeing him happy.
And he certainly was happy. He'd honestly never been happier than he was now, with his new family. He'd amazed even himself that first day they came to the orphanage by wanting them to notice him, after all every other potential family that had come in the door he had shunned once he saw there was a male in the group. He'd made it his business to not draw any notice to himself, to blend into the background as much as possible. Of course if they decided they wanted to spend time with him there was nothing he could have done to stop them but he still didn't throw anything their way. Twice it had even gone so far as a family wanting to adopt him and he had immediately shot them both down. He just wasn't able to get past the fact that there was a man in the family, no matter how nice he may seem. His nerves just couldn't let him take that risk again. Ever.
Yet despite being nervous of Aaron and Jackson at first he found much to his own surprise that as their visit went on he wanted to get their attention, which he did eventually. And he didn't shy away from them as much as he would usually do either, despite the idea that a family of two men potentially adopting him should have petrified him even more. He didn't know why, but he was just…curious. While he felt shy he didn't feel sick to his stomach with fear like he usually did and as time went on and they visited him more and more he realised that the fear was all but gone completely and he wanted them to pick him, he wanted it so badly. It wasn't even that they were any nicer than the other men in the other families but there was just something there that felt right.
Now he had been living with them for a few months and he was still adjusting to various aspects of his new life that he hadn't been used to before. For one thing he'd never been spoilt with so many presents at Christmas, in saying that he was spoilt rotten practically on a daily basis with just little things like an ice-cream or getting to watch his favourite shows on the TV or being taken to the park. And kisses and cuddles were certainly something he hadn't always been accustomed to. That wasn't to say that his orphanage had been neglectful, certainly not, it was a lovely place with lovely people but with there being so many children in it there was never total attention focused on any one child. And while the people there had always made him feel wanted, he had never felt needed.
As he felt his dad rub his back comfortingly it struck him that he never really felt towards the people at the orphanage what he did for his adoptive parents. He didn't know what this feeling was called. He didn't think he'd felt it for anyone else before or if he did he didn't remember. But it was a nice feeling, whatever it was.
Jackson noticed the heavy eyelids starting to droop and smiled. "I think someone's tired."
Kay's eyes immediately snapped open, not wanting to return to his room until his nightlight was working again at least. But as hard as he tried he just could not keep his eyes open, causing both of them to smile.
He then surprised them both by pushing himself off Aarons' lap and somehow burrowing his way under the duvet so that he was looking quite at his leisure lying back with his head sharing Aaron's pillow and the rest of his body under the duvet, eyes shut contentedly.
It was all they could do not to burst out laughing; talk about not going without a fight! They had planned on letting him stay until he fell back asleep anyway so they didn't mind this in the slightest.
Shaking his head fondly Jackson leant in to give him a kiss on the forehead "'Night, you clever git. Love you lots."
Aaron mirrored his actions and words and as he did so a lightbulb came on inside Kay's head. That must be it, the feeling he had. That was probably why he didn't remember feeling it before or know what it was called, because he didn't remember it ever being said to him. That had to be the name for it.
With his eyes still shut and his dreams just about to claim him he mumbled out a small reply, for the first time ever
"Love you."
Straight after which he departed peacefully into his own unconscious world, leaving Aaron and Jackson to pick up their jaws from the floor.
Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
"Did he just say what I think he said?" Aaron gaped at their sleeping child.
"He did." Jackson beamed, overjoyed.
Aaron lay back down beside their son and wordlessly started stroking his hair, gazing at him tenderly. Jay lay down on Kalums other side and placed an arm over his sleeping form, Aarons' left hand finding his right and interlacing their fingers so that they were joined across their son, the gold band on Aaron's third finger glinting in the candlelight. No words were said as there were none needed, nor any that could describe their ecstatic feelings at that moment.
After the comfortable silence Aaron spoke softly "If the weathers' good tomorrow I'll take him to the park. Get him a milkshake or something afterwards."
Jackson smiled warmly "That'll be the third time this week you'll have taken him."
Aaron shrugged with a lopsided grin "He enjoys it. Anyway, I like showing him off."
Jay chuckled in amusement "You do know that the other parents there all have sprogs of their own?"
Aaron snorted "Yeah, but they haven't got ours, have they?"
Jackson tenderly stroked the back of his husbands' hand with his thumb; Aaron was such a proud dad. With each day that passed he really put his doubters like Carl King in their place.
Almost without thinking Jackson muttered as he looked at Kay "Perfect."
Aaron agreed, lightly ruffling Kay's hair "He is, isn't he?"
Jay nodded "Well yes, he is. But I was talking about you."
Aaron stared up at him in surprise. Not knowing what to say, he propped himself up and leaned across Kay to meet Jackson in a grateful, loving kiss. As they lay back down Aaron grunted good-humouredly "Like I said earlier, pity the rest of the world doesn't know that."
"Oh, but they do."
Aaron looked at him in confusion "How?"
"Well, you just heard from me that you are and…" he nodded at their sleeping boy in the middle "..he definitely thinks you are…" he smiled as he finished "…therefore all of my world knows."
Aaron glowed at this, warding away any signs of moistness in his blue eyes "Then that's all that matters." He squeezed Jacksons' hand "I love you, Jay."
"I love you too."
Even then when the power came back on and they could extinguish the candles they were too comfortable to go through the effort of moving Kay back downstairs to his room. Besides, he looked so content where he was that they couldn't bring themselves to disturb him.
Jackson fell asleep before Aaron, still with his arm around Kay and hand clasping Aarons', his last thought being gratitude that he hadn't missed out on this amazing life he had been blessed with by going through with his "plan" all those years ago.
Aaron as he settled down to sleep let his tired eyes take in the sight of his slumbering boys one more time with a blissful smile on his face, gazing at them in a way similar to how he had looked at Jackson that time he stayed over in Paddy's during his paralysis, before surrendering to sleep with the smile still on his face.
None of them knew of the nightmarish events they would be experiencing in the upcoming year or so, all three were unaware of the stress the following months would bring to their family. All that would come eventually and inevitably, but not just yet. For now they were safe, happy and protected from all storms, both outside and inside.
End
Hope that was alright, just wanted to relive Kay's childish sweetness one last time before I write a bit on him in his later years. By the way if anybody who has read my previous story would prefer not to read about Kalum when he's older that's perfectly fine and I totally understand, I won't be offended in the slightest:) Thanks for reading!