Ivory and Asphodel
"It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see." -Henry David Thoreau
Act 1: Pearl Dust
The first time Gale Hawthorne sees Madge Undersee, really sees her, not in passing or as part of a crowd, but actually registers her as a person all on her own, he is ten years old.
It's a gray November day, sunless sky, glittering coal dust air. The wind blows, sweeps across the district with cold and strength, shakes leaves from their trees.
Gale is young, carefree (or as carefree as anyone in twelve could ever be), isn't yet missing a dead father, not yet angry and responsible for things beyond his years.
He walks home with his friends, laughs at bad jokes only children find amusing and then something blows across his feet, shining white in a world made entirely in shades of gray.
It's a hat, hand knitted and cleaner than anything Gale has ever seen. The Seam is dirty, always always and nothing stays white there and Gale bends down, picks up this strange white hat in almost wonder.
(he's almost afraid, like the coal dust stitched into his skin will ruin it)
He stands, stretches the fabric between his fingers and he doesn't know why he's so fascinated but he is.
"My hat!" a little voice calls, carried to him by wind currents and he turns, sees a small blur of a person hurrying towards him.
It's a girl, tiny and slight and the wind blows at her back and he thinks it might pick her up, carry her away and over the trees.
(but she's not a girl like Gale has ever seen before; she's like nothing he'd ever find in the Seam, maybe not even in Town)
She's got hair like soft gold, curled at the ends and pinned with ribbons in pastel blues and pinks. It flutters around her pale little face, rosy cheeks and red kissed nose. Her coat's crisp and clean, no holes or fraying threads like his, a sweet blue like the sky at dawn. Her eyes are a clearer blue, like flowers swaying in the meadow by the fence and she's got little gloves in cream, stockings whiter than clouds in summer.
She's almost like a ghost, too pale and muted and Gale thinks she must not be real, nothing's that untouched by the dust of District Twelve.
"You've caught my hat!" she says and she's right before him, puffing with hasty breaths. His fingers tighten on it, not that he's sure why and she blinks at him, waits for him to move.
"How'd you lose it?" he asks and he doesn't know why he cares. She seems surprised he wants to talk, cheeks turning pinker and she looks down, shuffles her shiny black shoes.
"The wind," she whispers, wavery but there's awe in her voice. "It came and puffed it right from my head!"
He nods and she looks up and he thinks maybe there's something like summer skies in her eyes.
"Thank you, for catching it. My Nana made it for me," she tells him, voice less tremulous and his friends are waiting, whispering and snickering behind their hands.
"Whatever," he says, tosses it at her. She catches it, looks startled and then disappointed as he turns away.
"My name's Madge," she tells his back and if he were older he'd notice the longing sadness in her tone.
"Gale's got a girlfriend!" Parry teases and Thom laughs, the other boys joining in.
"Nuh uh," Gale counters, frowning. "I'd never date her, she's a townie."
He says it with just the right amount of ew, gross in his voice and the other boys laugh, but this time at Madge, at townies, at all those pale little ghosts eating better meals. He doesn't see Madge behind him, doesn't know she clutches her hat tight, doesn't know tears start to burn in her bluebell eyes.
He doesn't know his callous words have hurt her, doesn't know he should care. The Seam and the Town, they're like two different worlds and Gale's never met a townie who didn't look down their nose at him.
(the Capitol breads hatred early)
Madge runs away then and Gale almost forgets about white and pale and a ghost girl he met in November.
But he'll remember a hat, too clean for his hands, stained since birth and maybe that's what matters.
Madge Undersee goes home that night, huddles under bed covers and wonders why, why, why will no one be friends with her?
That boy, the one who stopped her hat, Madge had a second of hope, a moment where she believed in maybe, but then he was just like all the others, pushing her away because of Daddy, because of her shiny shoes and nice lunches and not for the first time, Madge wishes she were homeless, because then, at least, she might not be so lonely.
The first time Gale Hawthorne looks at Madge Undersee and hates her, he is thirteen.
(he's got a dead father, a mourning family and an anger he'll never quite learn to tame)
He stalks around the schoolyard at the end of the day, drags Rory after him and wonders where the hell Vick's got to, because they were supposed to meet by his classroom but he's nowhere to be seen.
He hears laughter then, bright and cheery and it makes him irrationally angry, because how dare they laugh when his whole world's been torn apart? He turns a corner around the building and there they are, Madge Undersee, laughing like she doesn't have a care in the world and Vick, staring up at her like she's the sun.
"Really?" Vick asks her, voice hushed and Madge nods, eyes glowing.
"Of course! I made them myself," she tells him with a smile and then Gale sees what they're talking about, sees Madge handing Vick homemade cookies with little bits of chocolate baked into the top.
For some reason this makes him furious, makes him want to stomp over there and throw her cookies in the dirt.
"Vick!" Gale barks and Vick turns quick, cookie half in his mouth. Madge looks over too, caution starting to flitter over her face.
Gale walks right up to them, pulls Rory with him and Madge tries to smile, but he can see it, the disdain that tugs at her lips.
"Hello," she mumbles, eyes not quite meeting his face.
"What are you doing?" he demands and there's a harshness in his tone, one he hasn't been able to shake since his father didn't come home.
"She's got cookies!" Vick offers as an explanation and Rory tugs on Gale's hand.
"I want a cookie!" he whines and Madge seems to brighten, smiles for real this time.
"I've got plenty, here," she offers, holds out a little plastic tub of them and Gale feels something hot chewing at his gut.
Gale's in a spiral, a downward one because he's young and he's hurt and heartbroken and there's weights on his shoulders he's not meant to carry.
(he'll get better one day, but that day's not today)
Rory greedily scoops up a cookie, stuffs it in his face.
"More, please?" Vick questions, uses the voice he always uses when he wants to look extra sweet and cute.
Madge beams, "Of course! Take as many as you want!"
Gale wants to say no, wants to leave right now but he can't deny his brothers, not when they're smiling like they haven't in weeks.
He glares at Madge Undersee instead and for the first time, he hates her.
She's got a big old house, never has to worry about going hungry, has a father whose whole and well. She'll never be reaped, wastes money on whatever she wants, can throw cookies at them like it's no big deal. She doesn't understand, will never understand and he hates her for it.
Hates what she has, what he'll never have.
It isn't fair.
"Come on, Ma'll be worried," he murmurs to his siblings, gestures at them to start walking. They do but Gale lingers, turns to Madge Undersee.
She meets his eyes, wilts when she sees the look in them.
"We don't need your charity," he spits and she shakes her head.
"It isn't-" she starts but he doesn't want to hear it.
"Go home and play with your dolls, bake your stupid cookies but stay away from us, we don't need your help," he growls and then he marches off, catches up to his brothers.
He's left Madge in tears again and he doesn't know it, too caught up in his throbbing heart, his anger and yearning for the father he misses with a pain too sharp and fresh to bear.
He'll regret this moment later, regret it deep in his bones but that comes too late.
For now, he hates Madge Undersee.
(he'll regret that even more)
Madge Undersee walks home slowly, sniffles to herself and doesn't really blame Gale Hawthorne.
He was rude, horribly so, a cruel edge to his voice no boy should have but then, he's not a boy anymore, has had to grow up far too fast.
She tries to imagine losing her Daddy, can't even fathom how much he must be hurting. It's not an excuse, not really, because no matter how sad you are, it's not right to lash out at others.
Still, she understands. Gale Hawthorne has to be big and strong for his brothers, for his mother, for himself and never ever let all his pain out, can't be broken like he needs to be.
Still, she hates him a little bit, hates his rudeness, hates how he makes her cry.
(and somewhere deeper, she hates the friends he has at school, hates the brothers that look at him like he's a hero, hates the girls that giggle about him, hates the mother he can always count on)
(she's jealous, she's bitter and she knows it's horrible, because he's lost his father, goes to bed hungry, has a much higher chance of being reaped)
(but just like Gale lashes out at her, she lashes out at him)
Maybe they're both a bit broken.
The first time Gale Hawthorne looks at Madge Undersee and doesn't hate her, he's eighteen.
Katniss is in the Hunger Games and he doesn't know how to handle that, how to keep his chest from bursting wide open.
(and there's always that voice in his head, the one that says he should have volunteered, gone in to make sure she came out alive)
He can't watch with his family, can't watch with Katniss' family, can't risk them seeing the broken bits in his eyes.
(he's so sure he has to be strong for them, doesn't realize its okay to let them be strong for him sometimes)
He goes to the town square instead and for some reason, so does Madge Undersee. She's got a fancy house filled with lovely furniture and yet, here she is.
It makes him mad.
(but so do most things)
At first, she stands away from him, close enough so he can see her, far enough that he can almost pretend she isn't there.
And then the parade happens.
Katniss sets the Capitol on fire, looks incredible and breathtaking in flames. Madge walks up to him, stands right beside him.
"Katniss can win," she murmurs, a strength and conviction Gale's never heard before in her voice. She's always so quiet, timid but here she is, sounding invincible.
He peeks at her from the corner of his eye, sees her faith burning in her eyes. She believes in Katniss with enough fire to light the sun and Gale doesn't know why, but it hits something inside him.
(maybe it's realizing he doesn't have to do this alone)
"I know," he snaps and Madge nods, trusts in Katniss and her courage.
He's still looking at her but he keeps his head turned to the front, doesn't want her to know he's looking. And under her sudden surge of strength, he can see the same fear he can feel clogging up his veins.
And in that moment of reflection, he stops hating Madge Undersee for the first time in years.
It doesn't last long, but it's there and it's a start.
Madge Undersee doesn't know when exactly she stops being jealous of Gale, when she stops hating him.
But maybe it's when his whole body tenses when the recap of Katniss being reaped is shown or maybe it's when he doesn't stalk off when she stands beside him.
Maybe it's when she feels a little less lonely, because she's not the only one falling apart over Katniss, Gale is here too.
(or maybe it's even before that, starts slowly over the years as she sees just how good a person he is, buried under all that rage. When he lifts Posy up in his arms, makes her squeal with laughter, when he spends all his Sundays out hunting, keeps his family fed, when he teaches Katniss snares, when he cheers up a crying Prim, scowls at Capitol injustice, when she sees the look he and Katniss share when she stands on stage, the look that promises Gale Hawthorne will look after the Everdeens, keep them fed and safe)
Either way, the Games change everything.
The first time Gale Hawthorne looks at Madge Undersee and stops hating her, for good this time, it's only a few days later, but it almost feels like a lifetime.
They watch the Games side by side but he wouldn't consider it together. They don't talk, barely interact but maybe there's something in just knowing you're not alone.
(he doesn't like to think about it)
Katniss gets an eleven in training and he's blown away, truly, because that's the best score he's ever seen. He feels confidence start to burn his veins but then it fades, replaced with a freezing chill.
She'll be a target.
Every career will be gunning for her now.
"Bastards," Madge hisses from beside him and he's baffled, completely caught off guard. There's a rage he recognizes form his mirror in her eyes and she clenches her hands. Gale has never seen her angry, doesn't know how to feel.
"They did this on purpose," Madge whispers to him, voice laced with fury, "those assholes in the Capitol, but Katniss will show them. I know she will."
Gale doesn't say anything, couldn't if he tried and when he looks at Madge Undersee, he realizes he's been seeing her all wrong for years.
(and maybe, he realizes he owes Madge Undersee an apology, because he's been an ass and the girl beside him, she never deserved that)
Maybe he's been seeing her wrong all along.
Madge Undersee wonders if Gale even realizes how much he does for her, how much his silent companionship means.
Madge is used to being lonely, is used to silence but with Gale, this silence isn't cold and the Games may be horrible, but there's a strength in numbers Madge is experiencing for the first time.
(she wonders if he understands how much his sorry means, how much his sincerity strikes her. Madge has been hated all her life, but Gale Hawthorne's the first person to say sorry, the first person to tell her she deserves better)
She still gets a little jealous sometimes, can't help the sparks of bitter ugliness, but every day that he stands beside her is a day it grows fainter, weaker.
They aren't perfect, but then, whoever said they had to be?
The first time Gale Hawthorne looks at Madge Undersee and thinks maybe, maybe, they could be friends, the Seventy-Fourth Hunger Games are drawing to a close.
There's only a handful of tributes left, two of them Katniss and Peeta, District Twelve's star crossed lovers.
(that feels wrong, feels like acid and bad dreams)
He's watching with Madge in the square, just like always (and when did Madge and always become a part of his life?) and there's a tenseness in both of them, because the end is nearing, they can feel it.
Katniss embraces Peeta on screen, hugs him so tight Gale doubts he can breathe. She's terrified, because he almost ate nightlock, almost died and Gale knows Katniss isn't acting, knows her sincerity well.
He keeps telling himself it's an act, just a game but moments like these, they tell him that no, it isn't.
He doesn't even realize he's started clenching his fists until Madge takes one of his hands, rubs soft fingers over his knuckles, relaxes his hand limp. Gale looks at her in surprise but she's focused on the screen, continues to trace soothing circles on his skin.
Yellow light makes Madge look golden and she squeezes his hand, and there's something like comfort and a promise, I'm here, you're not alone.
He doesn't pull away and realizes with a jolt in his gut that he doesn't mind.
Doesn't mind Madge's warmth, her presence, doesn't mind that she's here, seeing the parts of him no one else is allowed to.
(and if you dug deep enough, you'd realize that it isn't just that he doesn't mind, it's that he appreciates it, maybe even enjoys it)
It's surreal, but he thinks that maybe, maybe maybe, he wouldn't mind being friends with Madge Undersee.
He gives her a bit of a squeeze back.
Maybe.
Madge Undersee sometimes feels like she's drowning, because that's her best friend, her only friend and she's so close to death, always, always, always.
But then Gale Hawthorne rests a hand on her shoulder and something like liquid strength flows from his fingers into her blood, makes her less afraid.
They're both dipping below the waves but they're always there to pull each other up, to keep their heads above water.
When Katniss cries, broken over Rue, Madge cries too, useless and unable to help. But Gale is there and he squeezes her arm, moves closer to her side.
He'll probably never know, but it means everything to Madge.
(but then Katniss comes home and he kisses her, tells her and him that it's just this once, that he had to do it just once but it reignites the embers inside him, gives him hope and a taste of possibility.
Gale falls back into Katniss Everdeen, forgets about almost friends and Madge Undersee fades into the background of his life, lost in the edges of his vision)
(he'll regret this later, but then, he'll regret a lot later)
(but then Katniss is home and Madge has her best friend back and what does she need with Gale Hawthorne anymore?
they move out of each other's orbits, fall back into who they were, except not, because he isn't cruel, she isn't bitter)
(they're just two people, tied together with faint memories and could have beens)
Except the story's not over, not quite.