LUCY BARKER, A REAL HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT
Although this is rated M, everyone is still in-character. Don't worry, I'm not one of those authors who writes disgusting, vulgar, explicit stories. This is just your average episode of "My Parents Are Aliens", but it just happens to have strong language, drugs and sex references.
Now that we got that fuckin' shit out of the way, let's start this bitch:
Josh, Frankie and Pete were hanging out by the lockers. Josh and Frankie were having a banter and Pete was reading a magazine about dirtbikes. He was enjoying his read, that was until Mr Whiteside appeared to ruin his fun.
"Ah, Mr Walker," said the slimey teacher. "Reading inappropriate literature, are we?"
"It's just about dirtbikes, sir," said Pete.
"Oh I see," said Mr Whiteside. "And is it educational?"
"Actually it is, sir," said Pete. He didn't say it in a smartass way, but in a normal innocent way. We all know Pete is one of the few sane characters in the show.
But Mr Whiteside, being the typical prat that he is, came up with this one-liner:
"Detention, Mr Walker, for reading inappropriate literature. I shall compensate this."
He snatched the magazine off him and walked off, proudly. Pete just stood there with fire in his eyes.
"Looks like I'll have to buy another copy," he said, disappointed.
But Josh had a plan forming in his head.
"Comrades, I have a plan."
"Oh joy," said Frankie not looking excited.
"Forget it, Josh," said Pete. "I'm not sneaking into his class to get the magazine back."
"No, I checked in there once, and all the stuff he compensates from everyone, not there," replied Josh.
"He keeps them at his house?" asked Frankie.
Josh nodded.
"The bastard," said Pete, disgusted. "He shouldn't be doing that."
"Which is why we're gonna sneak into Whiteside's house tonight," said Josh.
Frankie and Pete were stunned by this news.
"You're fucking crazy," said Frankie.
"Come on, think of all the stuff he stole from pupils over the years," pleaded Josh. "If we find all that stuff and bring it back to everyone, we'll be heroes. We'll be like Robin Hood, taking from the rich bastards to give to the poor fuckers."
Frankie and Pete thought about this.
"And if we get caught, the worst he could do is give us detention," said Josh.
Frankie and Pete knew he had a point.
"Count me in," said Frankie.
"Me too," said Pete.
"Let the Joshmeister set everything ready for tonight," said Josh. "Don't worry, compared to that psychopath Plank, Whiteside has no balls whatsoever.
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Later, in the canteen, Lucy could barely eat her food.
"Just one more day until the big exam!" said Wendy excitedly.
"Yeah, sure," said Lucy, not feeling the slightest bit excited.
"What's wrong?" asked Wendy.
"It's just that… I've been revising and… I kept getting answers wrong," said Lucy.
"How many?" asked Wendy.
"Three," answered Lucy.
"Oh, that's not so bad," said Wendy.
"Not so bad?" asked Lucy. "Wendy, if I get the slightest answer wrong, I'll get my first A- ever! And astronauts can't make any mistakes!"
"Lucy, Lucy," Wendy calmed her down.
Then she was about to say something to her.
"You know I could…. no I must not."
"Could what?" asked Lucy.
"Well…. I do have a way to help you not make any mistakes," said Wendy. "But it's a tad controversial."
"You mean cheating?" asked Lucy.
"No," said Wendy. "But let's just it'll not only calm you down, but we'll help you get over a creative block."
"Go on," said Lucy looking more interested.
"I'll take you to my house later," said Wendy. "You'll see."
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So after school, Wendy took Lucy to her house. In the sitting room, sat Wendy's 19 year old American cousin, Dougie. Wendy's parents were away for a business trip and Dougie was looking after her.
"Lucy, this is my cousin Dougie from Detroit," said Wendy.
"Pleasure to meet you, dudette," greeted Dougie.
But Lucy was shocked to what Dougie was doing. He was smoking from a hookah!
"You're smoking marijuana?" she gasped.
"Well, I told you it was controversial," said Wendy. "Dougie made me try some to calm myself down and get over a creative block and it worked."
Lucy was stunned at her friend.
"I can't believe it," she said.
"Look, you don't have to try some if you don't want to," said Wendy.
But Lucy thought for a moment.
"Well, I do want to get an A+," she said.
She then sat down on the sofa beside Dougie. The hooka had three pipes coming out from the top. Dougie handed them to Lucy and Wendy. He then had his lighter at the ready.
"Alright, kids, are we ready?" he asked.
"Yes," said Wendy as she and Lucy put the pipes in their mouths.
"Here we go, toke, toke, toke," said Dougie as he lit the hookah. It bubbled up and all three of them sucked on the pipes.
Lucy, who never smoked before, immediately began coughing. Dougie and Wendy laughed.
"You need to suck on it," said Dougie. "Ready?"
Lucy and Wendy nodded. Dougie lit the hookah again and they all sucked on their pipes. This time, Lucy did it properly. They all blew out the smoke in unison.
"Good shit, huh?" asked Dougie.
"Yeah," said Wendy.
"Yeah," said Lucy. "In fact, I'm starting to feel better. Confident even. All my frustrations are fading. Let me have another hit."
Dougie lit it again and they all smoked away.
They then spent the rest of the evening smoking away and having fun.
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That night at 8.00, Josh, Frankie and Pete we all outside Mr Whiteside's house. They were all dressed in black clothes and balaclavas. Mr Whiteside was away to his "Kate Winslet Lover Association" Meeting like he does every Thursday night. Josh unlocked the front door with a copy of Mr Whiteside's key (he always wanted to break in, anyway) and the three of them ran inside.
They decided to go upstairs to the bedroom, but when they made it up the stairs, they heard a shower running behind a closed door down the corridor.
"Josh, there's someone here!" muttered Pete quietly.
"Maybe tonight got cancelled," said Frankie.
"Look, let's be quick about this," said Josh. "We'll go to his room, put everything in the bag and fuck off! He won't be able to hear due to the shower running. And if he does catch us, we'll scare him with this."
He pulled out a water pistol spray painted black.
So they sneaked into the darkened bedroom. They had their torches and shone them all over the room. They saw that pictures of Kate Winslet were all over the curtains and bedsheet.
"Fuck me," said Pete.
"The poor hopeless bastard," said Frankie.
"Yeah, that's coming from someone who has pictures of Mel Barker all over his curtains and bedsheets," remarked Pete.
Frankie just agreed and nodded his head.
They then started opening drawers and the doors to the wardrobe. It was like a gold mine! There was thousands of games, DVDs, magazines, toys, beauty products and books everywhere.
"Merry fucking Christmas," said Josh as he and the others started to put everything a black plastic bag.
Unfortunately for them, Mr Whiteside was coming out of the shower, as he thought he heard a noise coming from his bedroom. He wrapped a towel around his waist and held it up with his hand. Then he left the bathroom and made his way over to the room.
The boys couldn't hear him because they were busy putting everything in the bag to notice.
Just then, the light came on and scared the lives out of them.
"What's going on here?" he asked.
The boys stood up and Josh pointed his water pistol at him.
"Don't move!"
Mr Whiteside yelped. The shock caused him to drop the towel onto the floor.
As he stood there naked, the boys were in shock and in disbelief. They couldn't believe what they were seeing.
"Josh, remember earlier, when you said Mr Whiteside had no balls?" asked Frankie.
"Yes," whimpered Josh.
"Well…... he's got no dick, either!" whimpered Pete.
That was right. Mr Whiteside had no penis!
As quick as a flash, Josh pulled out his mobile phone and took a picture.
"Barker, don't you dare show that picture to anyone!" begged Mr Whiteside. He was up shit creek now.
Josh began to think about this.
"Alright, tell you what, Graham," he said with a smirk. "I won't show this to anyone, on condition that you let us give all the pupils their stuff back and not let us three have detentions for the rest of our school years."
"Deal," said Mr Whiteside.
So the boys continued to put everything in the big black bag. When they had finished, they left the room.
"Goodbye, Mr Whiteside," said Frankie. "Nice curtains and bedsheet."
As the boys left the house, Mr Whiteside stood there in despair looking at the pictures of Kate Winslet.
"Oh, Kate, I was going to tell you sooner," he whined as if he was actually talking to the real thing. This had been the most embarrassing moment of his life!
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The next morning, Josh was at the kitchen table with Brain showing him the picture on his phone.
"I don't get it," said Brian.
"He has no dick!" said Josh, gleefully.
"What's a dick?" asked Brian.
"A penis," answered Josh.
But Brian just looked at him confused.
"The dangly thing between your legs," said Josh.
"Oh I seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee," said Brian. "The dangly thing between Sophie's legs."
"Brian….. men have penises and women have vaginas, remember?" said Josh.
"Oh, no wonder those men in the shower at the leisure centre were looking at me funny?" said Brian.
Brian then morphed himself a penis and then stood up. He pulled his trousers forward and let Josh have a look.
"Is that better?" he asked.
"Much better," said Josh, peering down. "But you need to have testicles too."
Just then, Mel entered the kitchen. She saw Josh peering down Brian's trousers.
"Just another morning in the fucking Barker/ Johnson lunatic asylum," said Mel as she went over to the fridge to get a carton of orange juice.
"According to the Galactic Guidebook, 'Johnson' is another word for 'penis'," said Sophie as she was making scrambled eggs with the shells still in them.
"So your name is also Brian Penis," snarked Mel. "Or as we say on our planet, 'Brian Dickhead'."
Lucy was leaving to go to Wendy's right before school. They were going to smoke a joint right before they take their exam.
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So, Josh, Frankie and Pete were having a stall at school giving all the things Mr Whiteside had compensated from everyone. However, instead of just giving them to each pupil, Josh was charging them.
"Roll up, roll up, 10 quid for each compensated item. This all goes to charity."
Frankie and Pete just looked at Josh. What a tosser!
Mr Whiteside walked past them trying not to let them see him.
"Mr Whiteside," greeted Josh. "How is it hanging? Oh, silly me, I forgot."
Mr Whiteside gave him a dirty look and walked on ahead. Josh just had a smirk on his face.
That morning, Lucy and Wendy had completed their exam. They were walking down the corridor, feeling great.
"That was amazing," said Lucy.
"See. What did I tell you?" said Wendy.
"I didn't worry at all, and the answers, they just… they were there the whole time!" said Lucy with ecstasy. "So, when I come over to your house again for another….?"
She did the impression of smoking a joint.
"Well, Dougie's going home tomorrow," answered Wendy.
Lucy stopped walking, for she was in shock.
"What?" she asked. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"What's the big deal?" asked Wendy.
"I just wanted a bit more of that stuff, y'know," answered Lucy.
Wendy looked at her.
"Erm, Lucy," she began. "Maybe when we have another exam."
"Now, I need it now, get a head start," said Lucy.
"I knew that giving you that stuff was bad idea," sighed Wendy. "Look, just ignore the cravings. It'll go away in a week. Okay?"
Lucy nodded.
"Sorry, I dunno what came over me," she said. "You're right. I'm no junkie. I'm just going to the toilet and I'll meet you in the canteen, okay?"
"Sure," said Wendy as she went on ahead.
But Lucy was going over to the phone. She decided to call Brian at home to morph into Wendy, go to her house and get the weed before Dougie would leave. And to tell Brian to hide it in a school bag.
Brian actually completed his mission, much to Lucy's joy.
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That afternoon, when Josh (with £115 in his pocket) and Mel arrived home, they smelt a strange, strong plant-like smell. It was seemed to be coming from the attic.
Josh and Mel followed it and arrived into the attic and what they saw shocked the life out of them.
"WHAT THE FUCK?" cried Mel.
Brian, Sophie and Lucy were all sitting on a sofa smoking marijuana! Lucy was smoking it through a bong and Brian and Sophie were smoking joints.
"Halo, bitches!" said a stoned Lucy. "Pop a chair, smoke some of this shit, it is tight!"
Josh and Mel saw the huge bag of weed lying on the floor.
"Where the fuck did you get that shit?" asked Josh. "And I'm supposed to be the fucking scam artist!"
"My red haired bitch was packing, motherfucka!" said Lucy. "Now pop a seat and roll a jay."
"Sophie! Brian! How could you let her do this?" asked Mel.
"But it's normal for humans to smoke," said Sophie.
"Yes, it is normal to smoke cigarettes made from tobacco, but not marijuana!" corrected Mel.
"Why not?" asked Brian.
"Because it is illegal," said Mel. "Like stealing!"
"Chill bitch, what da authorities don't know won't motherfuckin' harm 'em," said Lucy taking another hit.
"Yeah, chill bitch," said Brian and Sophie to Mel.
Although Lucy was high, Brian and Sophie weren't. Being Valuxians, weed had no effect on them.
"I'm not getting the high this promised," said Sophie.
"I know, rubbish, innit?" said Brian. But then he decided to eat it. "Tastes good though."
Then the doorbell rang.
"FUCK!" cried Mel and Josh.
"I'll answer it, you keep these stoners quiet!" said Mel as she left the attic.
"What's a stoner?" asked Brian.
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Mel answered the front door and it was Wendy.
"Mel, I need to talk to Lucy," she said.
"You ginger fuck," snapped Mel. "This is all your fault."
"I know, I was only trying to get Lucy to take a little bit of it," said Wendy. "But she got a little too addicted. I have to take the weed back."
"Hey, Wendy, my sistah," said Lucy as she entered the sitting room. "Come and join my homies in da muthafuckin' crib."
"Lucy, I have to take the weed back," said Wendy. "Your behaviour is out of control, and so out of character."
"Muthafucka, you gave me this shit," said Lucy. "And now you want it back. I need this shit for future exams. And don't forget, we've got prizegiving tonight."
"That's right, tonight is the night we're getting our certificates," said Wendy. "Well, you can't go like that."
"She's right, Lucy, you're staying here," said Mel.
"Fuck that shit, motherfucker," said Lucy. "My peeps needs me."
"No, Lucy, I'll just say that you're sick and I'll collect your certificate for you," said Wendy. "I'm so sorry about all this, Mel."
"Fuck you very much, Wendy," said Mel as the redhead left.
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Later, at 6.30, Mel locked the still stoned Lucy in their room. Lucy was banging on the door.
"Mel, you motherfucker! Let me out!" cried Lucy.
Everyone was downstairs, eating their dinner. Brian was still eating the weed.
"Brian, stop eating that stuff!" cried Mel.
"I can't help it, it tastes so good," said Brian.
He was making a burger and he put a marijuana leaf like lettuce, closed the bun and ate it.
"I still got the munchies."
"And they look so good growing in the garden," said Sophie as she looked at a marijuana plant in her vase.
"Sophie, we need to get rid of this stuff, IT IS ILLEGAL!" demanded Mel.
"Oh, weed is illegal, stealing is illegal, framing someone is illegal, this planet is no fun!" moaned Brian.
Lucy was still in her room crying like a stoner would, if the craving would get to them.
"Oh, motherfucker, I need it!" she said. "Just a little, teeny, tiny, bit. Just one toke."
Brian was after using the bathroom and walked past Lucy's door as he heard her cries. He felt sorry for her.
Poor thing, he thought to himself. Maybe if I secretly let her eat one leaf, she would be okay.
He opened the door, much to Lucy's delight, and gave her a leaf.
"Okay, just one leaf," said Brian, thinking he was doing the right thing. "But you're still not going to that prize giving."
"Oh, Brian, thank you so much!" cried the overjoyed Lucy as she grabbed the leaf, wrapped it in paper and lit it with her lighter. She puffed away and felt good.
Brian walked back into the kitchen feeling proud of himself.
"How is she?" asked Josh.
"She's doing fine," lied Brian.
STOMP! STOMP! STOMP! STOMP! STOMP! SLAM!
That was the sound of Lucy running down the stairs and slamming the door.
"BRIAN!" cried Josh and Mel.
"Well, I did tell her not to go, but she didn't listen! Honestly!" said Brian thinking that Mel and Josh didn't get it.
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All the students were sitting in the gym with their parents. Mr Whiteside and Mrs Hardman were in the stage.
"And the next certificate goes to Wendy Richardson," said Mrs Hardman.
Everyone applauded as Wendy went up to collect her certificate. Then she went back and sat down again.
"Lucy Barker," continued Mrs Hardman.
Wendy went up again to collect the certificate.
"Lucy is not here because she is not feeling well," said Wendy.
"Oh that's a shame," said Mrs Hardman, feeling sorry. "Well, you can give this….."
"HOLA, BITCHES!"
Everyone turned around to see the stoned Lucy enter the room.
"This red haired fuck is stealing my spotlight, fuck that shit!" cried Lucy as she ran up on stage, grabbed the microphone and faced the audience.
"This motherfuckers are dissin' our posse!" slurred Lucy.
Everyone muttered in the audience.
"This motherfucker is putting us down, fight against the motherfucking system!" slurred Lucy as she grabbed onto Mr Whiteside.
"Lucy Barker! What are you doing!" cried Mr Whiteside.
"Like I said, she is very sick," said Wendy. "So sick that she is hallucinating."
"Show what a big man you are, motherfucker!" cried Lucy as she began to pull Mr Whiteside's pants down.
"Lucy, stop it!" cried Mrs Hardman.
The door flew open and Brian, Sophie, Josh and Mel burst in.
"LUCY! I'm so sorry, everyone!" apologised Mel.
"Barker, get your sister off me!" cried Mr Whiteside as Lucy was struggling to get his pants down.
"Let's see Whiteside Jr, bitch!" cried Lucy as she finally get his pants down to his ankles.
Everyone gasped. Except for Josh, Frankie and Pete.
Everyone all looked at Mr Whiteside's penis-less crotch.
Mr Whiteside had turned white as everyone had discovered his secret.
Then everyone began to laugh…
And point…
"Freakshow! Freakshow! Freakshow! Mr Whiteside has no knob! Mr Whiteside has no knob!"
"SILENCE!" barked Mrs Hardman. "Mr Whiteside has got a very serious condition. It's not his fault. Lucy Barker, I am very disappointed in you! You've earned a month's detention for your behaviour!"
"Yo' throwing me in Alcatraz!" slurred Lucy. And then she fainted on the stage and snored away.
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Lucy became somewhat of an overnight celebrity at school the following Monday, kids were coming up to her saying "That was awesome and Whiteside has no knob!"
Mr Whiteside needed to get away for a while, say, a year to get over this embarrassment.
Wendy took all the weed back to her cousin without him knowing that it was ever stolen. He had extra weed, just in case.
Lucy vowed never to smoke weed again after making a fool of herself.
Although Brian and Sophie were disappointed that the weed was gone.
And Josh kept his money, and shared it with Frankie and Pete to spend on something really special.
Or so he thought.
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One afternoon, Josh came home to find out that there was an I.O.U in his room from Brian.
"BRIAN!" cried Josh. "WHERE THE FUCK IS THE MONEY….. OH SHIT!"
Josh had found Sophie and Brian in the attic munching on weed. Brian had used Josh's money to buy some more.
Then the doorbell rang.
"I'll get it," said Brian as he ran out of the attic and into the sitting room. He was still holding onto a leaf he was munching.
Josh and Mel tried to stop him, but Brian made it to the door before they did. They were up shit creek because there was a policeman standing there at the door.
"Hello, officer," said Brian. "How can I help you?"
Mel and Josh cringed.
THE END
"Yes, it is true. This man has no dick." - Ghostbusters